Important Breaking News About My Face. Travolta.

Over the past few months I've noticed a cleft in my chin. A cleft chin if you will.

The weird thing is that I've never noticed it. It's not huge like that ridiculous hole that John Travolta has in his chin*. It's barely noticeable.

In fact, if you saw me and looked at my chin you'd be all, "Where is it? Is it there? Is it there? Is that it?

The only way I know I have it is because when I shave in a downward stroke, I notice that I can't get into the tiny cleft with the razor so I have to shave it sideways to get a totally smooth shave. And I've never had to do this so it is indeed a new development on my face.

Maybe it's because I lost 15 pounds. Or maybe it's because I'm getting closer to dying and my face is starting to turn into a skeleton. I'm not sure.

*Whenever I see Travolta's face I picture a teensy tiny Travolta emerging from his cleft..."Hey, Mr Kotter!"

How to Get Dumped By Someone By Mastering This..

While driving the other day, I was trying to make this face that Jerry Blank made one time while she was dancing. As I looked in the mirror I realized how unbelievably ugly it made me look. I know. Me? But while doing it I had an epiphany. With a few modifications, I think I've come up with the perfect expression that will make anyone want to break up with you.

First, here is the face. It's very important to look in the mirror while trying to master this look so you can get the full effect:

1) Using your tongue, push your lower lip out as far as you can. Kind of like when someone puts a piece of orange in their mouth.
2) Tilt your head slightly and do the thing where it looks like you don't have a chin.
3) Cross you eyes but only the slightest crossing you can do or else it will look like you're just making a joke.
4) Now shrug your shoulders. Stay with me. We're almost home.
5) Breath heavily from your nose and nod your head slightly.
6) Finally, very softly, every once in a while say, "Aww that's it. Yeah you got it."
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Yup. A fucking ugly monster. Holy shit. I'm getting skeeved out just thinking about you. Go ahead, sneak another peak.

Now the key is to use this expression during sex, when being introduced to his or her friends, and a few times a week when reading and you come across something interesting or slightly humorous. When asked why you're suddenly making this face, say nothing. Just silently shed a tear, walk briskly to a bathroom and lock yourself in.