Which Is Your Favorite? Parakeet, Mona Lisa, Clarinet and Dummy.

Which is your favorite?

Boy Staring At Parakeet

 Crappy Mona Lisa Painting

Chubby Nerd Showing Clarinet Pride

Family Of Freaks With Dummy

...and why?

Weird Dream I Had. The Chair. Seeing The Future.

I remember my dreams about 5 times a week. And if you follow me on Twitter, I tweet them as soon as I wake up. That's the only way to do it. Otherwise, you'll forget.

A cool dream I had the other week was that I was looking through binoculars at my parent's house and I saw that my dog was still alive. He was in the distance and he was playing with a wolf. It kind of put me at ease.

I've also dreamed that he talks to me. But for some reason he speaks with an English accent. Which he would never do.

Last night I had really weird dream. I had written a book called, "The Chair." It was a story of a chair that would let you see the future if you sat on it. Some people would see their future and change their lives for the better while others freak out and go crazy. When you sat on it, it was like, "WTF!!!!??" It would freak you out. And each person would pass the chair onto a friend but wouldn't tell them of it's powers.

Well I print one copy and on the inside I inscribe this, "I think you'll like this book. Please read it and pass it on to a friend when you're done. Everyone should write their review of it and leave their reviews in the book. Please return to me after everyone reads it."

I give the book to @WellreadHostess, my Twitter friend. Probably because she's into books.
So the book gets passed around and when it comes back to me, everyone says it's great. And that it changed THEIR lives. Kind of like the chair. (See what happens there?) And I publish it and it becomes a best seller.

I'm not sure if it was Oprah endorsed or not.

Here Are Some Print Ads. And I Made Craaazy Captions For Them.

Some print ads with some captions.


He's a prospector Timmy. A dirty, stinking prospector. Not a respectable accountant like me. And guess what? He's never going to find gold. Not a bit. I KNOW he has a donkey but that's not the point! Helen turn off the God damn TV!"


....."HAHAHAHA!! So I'm like, 'Yeah, I AM fucking your wife'..he goes to hit me and she smashes him in the back with a...with a...hahahaha...with a fucking iron!!!!!!"


I KNEW I was wasting all these years believing in God!


"Hey fatty get over there and eat your lard. Three more pounds and we can get the Lane Bryant catalog for free."


"That's it. Finish your 7up Sweetie and Mommy will give you some corn on the cob."

Feel free to leave your alternate captions in the comments section. It's not a contest so don't get all nervous.

Real Sex Talk From Doctor Before I Got Married. Being Clean.

Remember when I told you about the sex talk I got from my Dad? No? Click here to read it.

Well I just remembered the sex talk I got from my wife's family doctor when we went to get our blood tests before we got married.

We had been warned of this ridiculous sex talk from some of my wife's cousins and honestly, I thought they were exaggerating. But they weren't because it was as ridiculous as they said it would be.

Here are two parts that I remember. I just stared at a chart on the wall and tried with everything in me not to laugh as the 80 year old doctor said:

"Now Jim, there might be times when...when you're feeling a bit amorous. And you might come in the house from working on the car and you might feel the desire to just GRAB at your wife. You really shouldn't do that way. It's best to clean yourself up and start things slow. That's the best way."

"And you really should just stay away from anal sex. It's just dirty."

I swear this is true.

Looking At People In Meetings More Than The General Population.

I was in a meeting earlier and as usual, I look at people throughout the course of the meeting.

Look at his socks. They're blue but he has black shoes on.

She's tired because she was at the shore.

Nice toenail polish.

His hair is weird.

Throughout the course of the meeting I do this. And I notice that some people hardly look around at all.

And it makes me think that I'm probably in the highest percentile of people that look around at other people - (number of looks per minute). Whether it's in a meeting, at a restaurant or wherever. It's not like I'm staring but I just need to take a quick glance. Then I move onto the next person. Or back to my pen. But if there's something interesting about the person I will "go back for seconds".

I wish I could see myself on videotape to see if I look like a total weirdo or if I look normal. Because I just look for a second. Maybe other people are doing the same thing but I don't think as much. Because I would catch them. You know...cause I'm always looking and everything.

Once in while though something weird will happen. I'll be at a restaurant or somewhere and I'll look at someone and they'll be looking at me. Then...I HAVE to look again to see if they're looking at me AGAIN*. And if they are, then I have to do everything in my power NOT to look at them even though I want to. I can do it for like five minutes then I'm about to burst so I take a quick peak. If they ARE looking again, then I get all paranoid. Unless I can convince myself that they were checking me out.

Does anyone else do this?

*this happened to me in 9th grade and I was looking at some huge football upperclassman and he finally yelled across the cafeteria, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM?". (I said "No")

Weird Nightmare I Had Last Night. Zombies and Susan Sarandon.

Check out this nightmare I had last night.

I look out my window and a zombie is walking past my house toward my neighbor's house. But the zombie is Susan Sarandon. I'm all, "What the hell?"

So a few minutes later my neighbor comes running over.

Neighbor: You've got to help me! There's a zombie trying to kill me.

Me: No.

Neighbor: Well at least give me some toothpicks.

I hand her two toothpicks and she runs out the door holding them like tiny swords.

I then grab a butcher's knife and run upstairs and hide in my closet.

Does that make me a coward? I'm thinking no because as I recall, I think that I was thinking that I was in a movie and I was acting. But I'm not sure.

And how was she going to battle a zombie with toothpicks. I don't get it.

Travel Tip That I Really Didn't Want Burned Into My Memory. Italy.

Oh yeah. I just remembered this. Remember when I was telling you that my son took a trip to Italy with his Italian class a few weeks ago? Well I just remembered the meeting we had with the school and the parents before the trip and this crazy travel tip that one of the moms shared:

Teacher: (pointing to one of the moms) Yes? You had a question?

Skeevy Mom: Yes. You were talking about having the kids travel light?...What I used to do when I traveled was get all my old, dirty underwear that I really should have thrown out and I'd pack them for my trip. Then as I wore the old underwear I would just throw them out as I used them so at the end of the trip I had less things to bring home and a bit more room in my suitcase for gifts.

Uh...OK lady.

Travel Bullet Points. Part 2. Piedras Negras. Nachos.

Here are so more travel bullets points. Man, blogging is getting easier when you just rattle shit off. (To read part 1, click here)

- Dallas: One time while staying at a hotel in Dallas a fire alarm when off in the middle of the night. People emerged from their doors asking, "Is it for real?" I was in a deep sleep when it went off so I just grabbed by stuff. I was the only one to leave. I ended up in the back parking lot in the pouring rain. Stupid!

- Chicago: When staying with my cousin one Summer in 5th grade, we'd go to the top of their 40 floor building and individually release tissues into the windy Chicago air. This is when being green was for stinky hippies. And we also dropped a bucket of water off but the doorman narced us out. Thanks Carlton.

- Mexico: While visiting a factory in the arm pittiest city of Piedras Niegras (Nachos were invented there), We got our van searched by guys with machine guns. I was prepared to go Jean Claude Van Damme on their asses but then I was like, "OK, lets see how this plays out first".

- Connecticut: I was in charge of bringing some of the ladies from the home office in England to visit some various clients on the East coast. After the three day trip we had to take the train back to NYC so they could catch a flight back to England. I was telling some joke when the train pulled up and as we're all still laughing the doors shut. I then realized that we were on the wrong train. SUPER STUPID! (They barely made their flight) .

That is all.

Some Random Things About Me. Travel Edition. China. Italy.

Freestyle!

Here are some random things that happened one time to me (travel edition):

- This one time in Shenzen, China the factory owner said, "You want women? I send TWO women to your room". I declined.

- This one time in Nashville two chicks grabbed my package. In one night. In one bar!

- This one time in Milan I jumped on the bed with five of my coworkers at three in the morning.

- This one time in Long Beach, California while partying with coworkers a lesbian bit the finger of a straight coworker because she wouldn't dance with her. We laughed like hell because the coworker was a prude.

- One time on a flight from Dallas to Denver I sat next to a 350 pound man that was going to an ice makers convention.

- One time in Frankfurt, Germany the chamber maid walked in as I was walking out of the shower. She was there to turn back the bed.

- One time in Ship Bottom, NJ (as a kid) I hated the vitamins that I was supposed to take so everyday I would throw them under the porch and I got busted by the mom of the family we were with. Thanks Mrs. Brophy.

- This one time in Yiwu, China hundreds of people stopped and looked at me because they never saw a white person before.

- This one time in Virgina Beach I went down a water slide and it gave me an enema.

- This one time in Toledo - I was in a car being driven from Chicago to PA with my cousin) the song, "Shake Your Booty" was on. He said, "Do you know what a booty is?" I said, "Yeah". He said, "What is it?" I said, "I don't know". He Said, "It's a butt". I said, "OK".

Any questions?

Serious Dream That I Had. Still Don't Believe In Ghosts. Car Crashes.

It was 4 AM when my wife woke me up last night. I was screaming in my sleep.

I was having a dream that my best friend Jim, that died 9 years ago in a head on collision in Chester County was standing next to my bed.

In the dream Jim was looking at me and he looked sad. I was saying, "Jim, are you really not dead? Are you alive? Answer me!"

And I was reaching for him but he was an inch out of reach. I knew that if I could just touch him I would know that he was not dead.

When my wife woke me up I was in tears because I was so frustrated that I couldn't reach him.

So this morning when she mentioned the nightmare she said that in the night she didn't want to freak me out but reminded me that today is the anniversary of his death.

I still don't believe in ghosts or supernatural stuff but that is a strange coincidence.

Scary and Creepy Santa Jamboree! Ho, Ho, Kill? Christmas Nightmares.

Here's a nice collection of creepy and scary Santas to haunt your dreams. Which is your favorite?


"Cindy. Now I told you. Don't talk. Just look at the camera and I might return you to your family. IF...they're still alive."



(In robot voice) "MUST KILL!"



There's something very fishy about that glove.



Do you know why there's a "no face here" sign? Because she actually has no face. Damn you Santa! How could you?!



"I am your honorable Santa. You will be very pleased with the various fine clothing products I shall bring that are made from the finest silks from far away lands".




Yeah right. What Santa holds a staff like that? Look at the dainty finger positioning. You know he's about to break into song and dance.

Weird Dream I Had Last Night That Featured Dwarfs.

Here's a real dream that I had last night:

I was in a huge department store and I was sitting at a dining room table. I fell asleep and a sales girl woke me up and said, "Sir, you're going to have to leave, we're closing."

I had been asleep for 12 hours. So as I'm walking through the living room furniture section, there's a snobby ass family using the area for a family portrait. I walk right in front of the camera and dad looks at me like I'm a jerk.

So I leave the building and I'm lost so I see a group of people and I decide to follow them. As I get closer, it's a group of drunk German dwarfs (guys). They're all wearing spiked high heels and singing songs.

I stopped following them because I got the feeling they were going to jump me.

What the hell does that mean?

Does This Make Me Weird? Dodo Birds and Tap Dancing.

Sometimes I get these urges. Urges to approach strangers and do or say something weird. Well, they're not really urges. I just think about the stuff to amuse myself if I'm out somewhere and I'm bored.

Like there's an old lady walking down the street and I just angrily approach her, stare her down, then start violently tap dancing. Maybe in circles. Or maybe back and forth to block her way. Then I say, "Yeah..uh huh..that's right" (as if she knows what I'm talking about)..then I hug her and walk away.

Or I approach a random stranger and say, "YOU are going the way of the Dodo."

Then I see someone behind them, "No YOU are going the way of the Dodo." And I push the first fellow out of the way.

And I keep saying it to different people. Until I run out of people. Then maybe I start over. I'm not sure yet.

I think if it were captured on film it could make a great TV show. I would just love to see the reactions on the faces of these poor sad sacks.

Does anyone else ever want to approach strangers and do this or is it just me? Come on..don't lie.

Hungarians Really Know How To Ruin A Sausage Commercial

This Hungarian commercial for sausages is really stupid. It's just just dumb.

It's so dumb you would think it was made by....by....by Pollocks.

Mason Reese. Post Raisin Brand Commercial.

I just have the funny feeling that when the ad execs cast Mason Reese in this 1975 Post Raisin Bran commercial they knew he was kind of goofy.

They must have. Probably some kind of cruel inside joke.

Stupid, cocky mid 70's ad execs.

Check Out These Crazy Tattoos! Comic Book Guy.

Other then having, "GOOGLE THIS: THAT BLUE YAK" tattooed on your balls, tattoos are pretty stupid.

Not really. I can see if you're a biker or a rocker. Or the tramp stamp is kind of cool. Or one or two. But for God's sake think before you ink! I think I just coined a phrase, "Think Before You Ink". Not too shabby Zibbs.

Anyway, here's a video with some crazy tattoos - dedicated to SkylersDad - who always finds the best tattoos around the web.



I think my favs are the brain under sardine jar and the Comic Book Guy. Classic.

Father Kelly. I Wonder Who That Is? Twitter.

Shhh. I've got a confession. In addition to being @DrZibbs on Twitter, I'm also a character called @FatherKelly. My profile says, "Disgruntled Catholic Priest. Seemed like a wise career choice at the time".

In three days I already have over 200 followers. Sweet. I'm trying to only tweet once or twice a day with my "A" material. Here's the feed so far:

They say you can't throw a stick around priests w/out hitting a gay. So I throw a stick and I hit Father Brennan right in the nuts. Irony.

So I'm sorting through the collection basket booty and I found..ready for this?... a hermit crab & a tooth! WTF!

My vampire fighting class starts in 15 minutes. Love the class but the instructor is a SUCH a know-it-all dick!

BOY:What's Leviticus? ME:It was an ancient tool for cutting off the nuts of sinners. BOY Really? ME:Naaa I'm just fuckin' with ya.

Sometimes in the confessional box I'll say, "You did what?! I don't believe you. Bring pictures to prove it". Some of them actually do.

So today at the exorcism the dumbass holding down the kids' legs turns and says, "Wow. This is just like The Exorcist" I.SHIT.YOU.NOT.

I've got to hand it to our parish though. After we perform an exorcism we give them a "The Devil Made Me Do It" T-shirt. No charge!

I have to perform a God damn exorcism today. I'm gonna throw in the line "ooga booga" and see if anyone notices.

Sister Mary Catherine - Chhhh Uhhhh! ..Damn it you got it goin' on! I mean...God Bless.

Just got a call requesting that I bless a parakeet. I'm not making this up. I told them a 5th of scotch was usual payment. They bought it.

Note to self: Suggest replacing the communion bells with a blow horn.

Time to make the communion wafers.

Mini Apes, Glazed Donuts, Nether Regions and Tweets.

So here are a few recent Tweets that I wrote for Twitter. Man. This blogging is getting easier and easier. All I had to do was cut and paste the info from Twitter to here.

I might have some of my best tweets embroidered onto pillows. Just so it's not too gay I'll man things up by filling the pillows with rocks

I cringe when I hear people telling fat girls"You have such a pretty face". I prefer "You're like a fire plug with a cute little cap"

if i ever get an ostrich w rabies I'll call him pecky. then when he attacks people I'll be like..i warned you

I wish I had a friend that looked like a mini ape AND had a sense of humor so I when I saw people I could say, "Hey. Look at my mini ape!"

You may find the question, "How about I make your face look like a glazed donut?" funny but your wife will just shake her head.

wonders if a movie about a woman who blogs about trying every house cleaning technique from a cleaning book would inspire wives 2 clean

rap title: if i look down and don't see a legion I'll be touchin your nether region.

wow. when i sing in that Jim nabors style i sound pretty good.

I'm gonna name my next dog help. how great will it be when I'm calling him and everyone thinks I'm in danger?

Which is YOUR favorite. Mine is the one about the mini ape.

Real Dream I had About Roller Skating. Seinfeld Was There Too.

So here's the weird dream I had last night.

I was at a roller skating rink that was located inside of a private amusement park. They only let people who are great roller skaters onto the rink but other people were allowed to watch us.

My Nana was there - who died years ago but just about when I was going to say something to her my older sister says, "Oh my God. Your tie is tied so tight it's making your head look like a light bulb!" *

A light bulb?

I was like, "What do you mean it looks like a light bulb? What does that even mean?"

Then I asked my younger sister if my head looked like a light bulb and she said, "It actually does."

Meanwhile, my Nana was trying to get my attention. Just when I was about to say something to her I heard screams. It turns out that as people that had died were showing up at the roller rink, other people in the area were dropping dead. I guess to even things out. Who know?

And just as everyone was focused on all this craziness, someone says, "Look, Jerry Seinfeld and his family are at the park. But don't say anything to them, they want their privacy".

What does this dream mean? Does it mean....does it mean I'm gay?

*I have no idea why I was wearing a tie to roller skate instead of a royal blue satin jacket that says, "Born to Skate" - dreams are crazy like that.

Talking Heads - Life During Wartime Excellent.

I know the Verdant Dude just posted this video on his blog a few weeks ago but I was listening to David Byrne while running and wanted to see this video.

It's the Talking Heads Life During Wartime. How cool is this performance? He's so weird it's great. I love his dance moves at the beginning.