How Are You Celebrating the Holiday Today? Chester County Sandpaper.

Do you believe it's the anniversary of the invention of sandpaper again? It was on this day in 1834 that it was invented.

Time flies doesn't it?

So how are you celebrating? I know what I'm doing. I'm making my badself a costume made completely of sandpaper (with the exception of toilet paper cores for the eyes) and I'm going to march around the Chester County.

If you see me - give me a friendly wave and I'll toss you some hard candy. You know - like it's a parade and shit.

Coatesville Fire Arsonist Catcher Needs Parade Help.

As I reported yesterday, one of the arsonist has been caught in Coatesville, Pa probably thanks to me helping to spread the word on my blog. And in a little more than eight hours after releasing the story of the Coatesville arsonist capture, I received over 250 hits from people just searching for that story.

That's the beauty of keywords.

And do you know what all of this mean? Coatesville is probably going to throw me a hero parade. And guess what? I'm going to let you guys help me plan it. Here are some of my parade demands/suggestions as a local hero that I'd like to see in my parade.

- The "Coatesville 'Here Comes That Hero' Parade" route should start with tiny animals and the animals should get larger as they lead back to me. For example at the beginning of the parade there will be mice, then squirrels, then small monkeys, ..............then me on an African elephant. I would also like to have at least three tapirs.

- I would like my hero outfit to be completely covered in feathers and sequins but if it looks gay at all I will not wear it. So this is going to be a design challenge.

- I want a major rock band playing on the parade route (not Coldplay) and when I'm in hearing distance I want them to play "Don't you know that you're my hero?"

- I want a few boxes of Snickers and Three Musketeer bars - the fun size - that I can throw out to my fans.

Please add your suggestions for my Coatesville hero parade demands in the comments area.

Springfield PA Parade Destroys the Good Name of Mr. Peanut

I've seen some crappy mascot costumes but I am calling for the firing of the person in the Planters licensing department that approved this Mr Peanut Costume. This was the horrific scene last week at the Springfield Saint Patties Day parade. I mean, where should I start? Just look at the inferior fabric, the thin font on the hat and the yellow? It's at least three pantone shades light of the correct Mr. Peanut yellow.

And it wasn't just me. As the "Mr. Peanut" rounded the corner onto Springfield Road it was as if people had seen Godzilla. It was pure panic. People freaked and scattered in all directions to seek shelter from this beast. Although there were no deaths in the melee at least one parade goer chipped a tooth. Luckily she wasn't Irish. She was only Hungarian or something.

I hereby am demanding a written apology from Planters (a division of Kraft) and some peanuts. From Springfield I'm demanding a verbal apology, a full page written apology in the Daily Times and a key to the city. Not a big fake key, but a real key that opens up real doors in Springfield.