Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The First Time You See Someone Naked. Totally Nude. That's The Best.



I was reading on someone's blog the other day about the first time you see someone naked. It is one of the best things ever. Ever. You pick up some chick - then you're back at her place or yours. Or in a car. And then the clothes come off.

Oh man.

Nothing like that first visual. And it would always go through my head, "Aww man this is great!" You've got to play it cool but you never get over the fact that you've succeeded in getting someone naked. And sometimes it was someone you met a few hours earlier. It's like heaven on earth.

Believe it or not there are only maybe 2 or 3 chicks that I'd be really embarrassed about if anyone saw them. Most were pretty good looking. In fact, I just found a picture online of some girl I used to have sex with and she was pretty hot. And better yet, the picture is from the 80's which was when I was with her. AND, it's a picture of her lying on a bed and looking all sexy eyed. I swear to God. I would post the picture but that would be wrong. See - I do have some morals.

Sometimes it was surprising how different a body looked once nude. I was never a fan of super skinny chicks. I don't like feeling tons of bones*. And if I can put my "playmate hat" on for a minute, the other "turn offs" for me from days of old were excess large moles and the old fur bikini - if you know what I mean.

So have any of you people ever gotten someone nude and you were like, "WHAT THE HELL?" I'm sure some of you ladies have some good stories. Like the dude had a real big one or a real small one. Come on. You can tell me. And there's got to be someone that has a story where the person says something like, "And before we do this, I need to tell you that I only have seven toes." Or something similar.

*One time a friend of mine was tripping and he was having sex with a really skinny girl. He said he looked at her and all of a sudden he saw a skeleton! Frightening.

55 comments:

SkylersDad said...

There was this one girl in the Philippines with a vestigial tail that kind of bothered me, but I got over it.

Cameron said...

Dude I've seen it all. Big girls, skinny girls. The thing that stops me in my tracks, and yes I'm anal, is a big, badly placed mole.

Rachel said...

You were having sex in the '80s? How old ARE you? ;)

Jill said...

I was incredibly worried about seeing my husband naked for the first time when we were dating. I was 26 and he was an ancient 40! I had visions of the old saggy butt guy from Sex and the City. Luckily all went well. He looks better now at 54 than most 20 year olds, so I'm incredibly lucky and have a hard time keeping my hands off of him!

words words words said...

It's not like I have a list a mile long or anything, but I've been thrilled and had my expectations for nakedness exceeded. Every time.

diane said...

Jill: Gross, sorry, it's like picturing your parents having sex. And now I can't remember what my comment was.

Adriana said...

The 80's really?

"Before we do this (as I'm unbuttoning his pants) I should tell you that I'm not circumcised"

Good thing he warned me (WTF do you say to that? Talk about awkward as if I wasn't going to figure that out IMMEDIATELY). Then he felt the need to tell me that his dad had a bad experience (mind racing to places I never wanted to go) and was totally against it which was why he was as he was. Talk about killing the moment. From that moment forward ANY/ALL of my future sons would be circumcised.

Jill said...

I'm not quite sure how to take that Diane...I feel incredibly old right now.

M@ said...

I think you should post the photo.

--Animal Mind

moooooog35 said...

I'm like, "what the hell?" every time I take a shower.

Oh.

You meant OTHER people.

Nevermind.

Dr Zibbs said...

Yes I started in the 80's. Does that make me old? Or wise? Or someone that started really early?

You decide.

Dr Zibbs said...

Or go back in my blog to see how old I am.

Vic said...

Wait. People actually get NAKED? I thought that was an urban myth.

(Jill, I still have a raging crush on Tom Selleck. He'll be hot when he's 90. I like older guys.)

WendyB said...

"I just found a picture online of some girl I used to have sex" -- in other words, you were Googling her? Very interesting!

LYDIA said...

I used to have a cute little mole in the bikini area - but five years ago my doctor had to remove it. There goes my porno career!

Dr Zibbs said...

WendyB - Actually, her first name is Dawn but I forget her last name. I remembered that someone in my dorm had taken hundreds of pics and put them online.

And on a related note, there were a few other pics there of girls I hooked up with but none as good as this artsy face shot.

But I have google girls I've been with and I've found a few.

Dr Zibbs said...

Lydia - exactly what part of the bikini area?

diane said...

Jill: I'm sorry. I have terets. . . ok not really, I can't even spell it. But I'm old too...I mean,er, we're not old!

Gwen said...

Surprisingly, I can be quite prudish about being naked. I'm always worried that he'll think I'm fat or gross. (Stupid, I know, since I'm so fabulous.)

I've only suffered one major naked/sex disappointment in my life. He was super-duper small and done before I knew he'd started. When it was over I wished I'd stayed at the party.

red said...

I don't really care what a dude looks like naked as long as he knows what he's doing.

So my questions to you is, does it get not as fun/interesting the more times you see someone naked?

Dr Zibbs said...

Gwen - you went back to the party didn't you? For more? Also, it reminds me of that post that Falwless wrote about the dude that had a small one and she was having sex with him and when she asked, "it it in yet?" he started crying. God I wish she would start blogging again.

Red - I still love seeing my wife nude.

words words words said...

FOR THE LAST TIME, I DIDN'T CRY.

Debbie said...

The comment section of this post is as good as the post (sorry!). I am completely at a loss after reading through them.

Swedish Chef said...

Seeing someone nekid for the first time really is one of the greatest joys of my life. Surrepticiously videotaping that tender moment is even better...

(J/K)

Water filled bra's and whatnot have made for some headscratching moments of confusion about missing mass and the rules of matter...

Conversely the moment you realize the underdressed girl you've never noticed is a certified porn-star body double reveals her sexcret sexdentity... life gets good.

Cora said...

I dated this gorgeous guy once and when the clothes came off he was utterly PERFECT. Not a single flaw. Chizzled like a statue. It was unreal. And it f*cking FREAKED ME OUT! I didn't like it at all. I wanted to flee the house. I couldn't relax. I was sucking in my stomach, feeling extremely uncomfortable, wondering why the hell he was with ME. It was like an ego nightmare. (shudder.)

I like imperfection. Perfection is unnatural. Nobody should be perfect, dammit, it should NOT be allowed! I like heavier guys. Someone built cuddly like a teddy bear. Someone who would never fault me for my flaws. Someone real, you know?

Jennifer and Sandi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer and Sandi said...

"And sometimes it was someone you met a few hours earlier."

Huh? So I don't even need to ask if you've ever had sex on the first date. Shit, it's been within hours??

You tramp you!

Happy HUMP Day!

~ Jennifer

Scope said...

Chef - I had a girlfriend who also worked magic with the push up / padded, miracle working bras that she had. I wasn't disappointed though, because it was soon demonstrated to me that HAVING her naked was much more fun than SEEING her naked needed to be, and that made SEEING her naked AWESOME.

coffeypot said...

The first person I ever saywnaked was my mother getting out of the tub. I've have been in therapy ever since.

Prunella Jones said...

This is why I meet all my hookups at nudist colonies.

Dr Zibbs said...

Prunella Jones - I hear ya. And I just read a few posts on your blog. Hysterical.

LegalMist said...

Kind of cool, isn't it, to think you've been having sex for well over half the years you've been alive. Woo hoo!

buffalodick said...

Phases of sex
1. Screw anything that would stand still...
2. Screw anything that was a primate, and breathing...
3. Screw anyone that showed interest...
4. Screw anyone that would let you..
5. Screw anyone that didn't charge more than $20...
6. Same as number 5, but didn't charge $50...
7. Anyone that was still interested, and had the time..

MelO said...

I take a little teensy break and NOW you have MORALS?!?!

Oh greeeeaaaat...TBY will be tons o fun to read now ;)

Vodka Mom said...

omg I can't tell you how hard I was laughing over this!!!

What a buzz kill if someone were to say, "What the fuck? when you got naked???? I mean, for real!!!


That's why I said NOTHING last night when you came over. nothing........

Dr Zibbs said...

Vodka Mom - you were speechless because your mouth was full. With me. (Holding hand up for high five) Awww yeah!!!!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I only have 9 toes (true story) but it never comes up prior to sex, or afterwards, because they're too busy staring at my boobs.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Btw, my awkward sex episode was when a guy I met over the internet (in person 6 months later) told me how small he was.

I wasn't having sex with him anyway (he wanted to bring condoms and I told him not to bother) but he wasn't lying.

Dr Zibbs said...

JJ - What happened to the other toe? You should post about it. Unless of course it's depressing then just make something up.

As for the dude with the small one, you should have said "Lets see how small it is" - then you could have looked at it and said, "Yeah - you were right."

mike said...

Remember in I'm Gonna Get You Sucka, when he is alone with the girl and the fake eyelashes come off, then the wig, then the boobs, then her leg? Yeah, I've been there. Women today do a FANTASTIC job of hiding their imperfections, which is nice until I'm Gonna Get You Sucka time. By then, I'm usually WAY to drunk to even care. Hopefully she is too.

Caffeine Court said...

Ha! Must be a guy thing. I hope I never get divorced because I can't stand the thought of being "naked for the first time" ever again.

Although it was fun way back when, in my slutty days. ;)

Missy said...

I love nakedness! Actually, it is a new experience every time, if you think about it! Is there not a song, "Naked for the First Time"?

Dr Zibbs said...

Caffeine Court - If you do get divorced, come over and I'll make you feel comfortable...before I do you. You know - because we're the same age and all.

Of course that's if I get divorced too.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'll post the toe story and let you know when it's up. As for the smallness of that guy, touching it was bad enough, seeing it would've traumatized me for life, it was that small!

numberonesistah said...

Okay, on the flip side of the small stories. I was with a guy once that had an extra friggin' ARM! I shit you not. Like uncomfortable, bordering on painful, couldn't get even halfway in without pushing on my diaphragm.

It was a whole rolling around on the bed with the lights off first naked moment, so I didn't SEE what I was in for.

I didn't see him anymore after that. I was afraid I'd be a freakin' wind tunnel if THAT happened again! Sheesh..

Thanks for bringing THAT memory back to me Zibbs! I need a drink!

Chele said...

I have a mole on my left butt cheek...

I recently dumped a guy who looked like chewbacca naked, it was horrible and gave me rashes all over.
The worst is the small dick men, especially tall men who turns out to have really small weiners.

diane said...

numberonesistah: I must really be extra slow before I've had my coffee, because for a minute there, I really thought the guy had an extra arm.

gorillabuns said...

I went out with a guy who was incredibly cute but when it came down to doing the deed, he had nothing downstairs. So much so, I immediately got up and left before anyone was done. He called and called to ask why I wouldn't go out with him again and even brought out, "it's because I have a small dick, isn't it?" Honesty won out. I answered, "Yes, yes, it IS because you have a small dick."

I saw him a few years later at a concert and he dodged me by running into the bathroom. Such a girl move.

sista #2 said...

Good Lord, the one guy with the teenie peenie.....it was THAT bad.

And then there was the guy with the Dickdo.......

peace
#2

Dr Zibbs said...

Numberonesista - I haven't seen you in years!!!

How are you?

WendyB said...

"artsy face shot" -- Last time I heard that term, I needed a damp washcloth to clean up with.

Dr Zibbs said...

WendyB - yuou always come up with the funny comments.

sista #2 said...

Numberdeucesista Zibbs.....puhleezzeee get it right.


peace
#2

dizzy mom said...

I love these comments...I have had an "Is it in?" moment. Seriously sucks. Any of you guys have small peckers?

pinkjellybaby said...

I also think you should post the picture... I'd like to know what a guy thinks is hot.
I'm always a bit too embarrassed the first time, I'm not too body confident so it's a internal cringe moment.
I don't think i've had too many bad moments.
There was one really hot guy...and when he took his clothes off, he was SO hot that I almost ran away.