Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"I Almost Crapped My Pants" - A True Story.



So I've seen a few stories about people crapping their pants on various blogs lately and to show that I'm as human as the next guy, I will share this story. Below is the story if I had written it in a diary on a train.

Dear Diary,

The meeting in New York at Avon went great today. My product presentation went as planned and Marketing did a great job as well. They even had me go through a soon to be released catalog and asked me to brainstorm ideas for some line extensions. They were impressed.

Yeah. Perfect until IT happened. We left the meeting and went to lunch. And as we're walking back to Penn Station...this is embarrassing but I had the sudden feeling like I was going to shit my pants! What Diary? No you can't just "go into a building and go to the bathroom in New York you hay seed".

All of the buildings have security, plus we were late for the train and I didn't know that new chick from Marketing well enough to tell her that I need to get to a bathroom because I'm going to shit my pants.

Trust me, the situation went from bad to code red. I was thinking about lies that I could say,

"A friend of mine works here. I'm just going to catch the next train to Philly. Yeah I know we all drove from the office to the train station. It's OK. I'll just walk the 45 miles home from Philly."

I swear I found religion that day because I was praying to whoever would listen that if they got me through this, I'd be a better person. I had to. There would have been no hiding it. I was about to explode. I was thinking that if it happened, I would say that I have cancer. What? People with cancer don't lose control? I don't know! Did I tell you that it was a code red? And I couldn't think straight?

So as we're walking, I'm trying to look for any building that I could duck into. I'm saying, "Please, please, please don't let this happen! PLEASE!" And I'm starting to sweat. I hardly ever sweat!

Anyways, it was a miracle because somehow, someway, things subsided. The bubbling stopped. I'm now sitting on the train. Safe. And will now have a greater respect for life. And I will try to be a better person and...HEY...look at that bum with the Mr T shirt!...Bwahahahahahhaa.

34 comments:

Gwen said...

That is the world's worst feeling - the rumbling and stomach cramps, the sweating and internal dialogue -

Uh-oh.

Hang on, I'll be right back. I, uh, well I just have to go. Right now. See ya!

Cora said...

Ha ha ha! Classic! :-)

Chris said...

Your writing style seemed cramped in this crappy post.

SkylersDad said...

That's why I never leave home without my astronaut approved adult diapers!

Son of a Thomas said...

Duty!

Tenakim said...

Crap in your pants story never gets old! I love the SNL faux commercial for Oops!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=blwBvrFQy-Y

Philly said...

The worst is when you have to fart, you then let it go and there is a bit of leakage.
Not like it's happened to me, just saying.

#1

Dr Zibbs said...

Tenakim - Someone just posted that video the other day on a blog and that's what gave me the idea for the post.

Philly - Yeah sure it never happened to you.

Some Guy said...

Man, sounds like you were really percolating!

Son Of A Thomas: Nice!

Giggle Pixie said...

The gurgling and the sweating....ooooh, that's a recipe for disaster right there!

Lisa said...

Shitty post! *snort*

I crap... er, crack me up.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Why is it that shit like that always happens at the most inopportune moments.(no pun intended)

That was divine intervention indeed.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Gross...Thanks for that. I was just thinking about getting something to eat, not anymore.

Michelle said...

UGH! Yes i know this feeling you speak of. Just had it today actually. In the grocery store, while searching for peanut butter. You know, the creamy kind??

Yeah, i'm just saying!!!

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

Love
Stalker

mike said...

yeah I've had a few Praire Dog experiences. It's a shitty feeling.

dizzy mom said...

I so know the feeling. I "conveniently" forget how much dairy HATES me!

I had a very near explosion experience. It was so near I had to change when I got home. 'Nuf said...

diane said...

You might be crossing the line here, Zibbs. I would come up with something funnier, but I feel like crap.

Sass said...

Ahhh, Zibbs. You are the shit.

;)

gorillabuns said...

i've never crapped my pants but i have peed in them numerous of times.

Vic said...

I just dream a version of this all the time - like I'm desperate, and I see a bathroom on the horizon, and then it just, disappears when I get close. Repeatedly.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I drive to customer's houses as part of my job. I have a policy of NEVER using a customer's bathroom. Many of my destinations are remote, there are no roadside potties, and I have had this happen to me several times. I now have a policy of no breakfast and no lunch until after the appointment when I am going certain places.
Yeah, my job is awesome.... Why do you ask?

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Though I will say this...the elation, the relief, the glorious feeling after you DO finally get to go is kind of thrilling. Its like all the clocks are reset and you have been given another chance to be a good person. Or at least, a person who doesn't have to sidle into Walmart and buy new pants.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Oh man! Been there, done that!

TMI coming...I was traveling from CO to CA and had breakfast in Sedona, AZ. Everything was fine, until I got back on the road. My stomach started to rumble and I decided to stop at the 1st opportunity. Then I saw the flagman, and my heart sunk. Everyone was stopped (for 45 minutes) for road construction. I finally made it to Jerome, AZ in the nick (and I mean nick of time!

Dr Zibbs said...

Man you people are sick. I just made that story up as a trap to see what you guys would say.

Uh...yeah....made it up.

Peggy said...

Ok Guru;

Your post was hysterical...funny guy! I'll come back !

Katie said...

Well, since you "made it up," disregard the adult diapers I mailed you.

Dr Zibbs said...

OK - I was lying. I did NOT make this story up. It's true. Sadly.

Swedish Chef said...

I pity you, FOOL. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together though?

Morgan the Muse said...

Was it a tshirt with no sleeves, or did it have his face on the front? because the first one is to be sorry for, but the second one is definitely for laughing at.

words words words said...

Hello. My name is words words words and I have had an adult accident.

O.G. said...

Good thing you didn't gamble and lose.

Scope said...

You were not experiencing a "code red" good sir. You were experiencing a "code brown".

I've had many a "code brown", but none have ever slipped into a "total brown out" situation.

Back when I used to run, I always carried $20 on me incase I "code browned" out on my run and needed either a cab, or to spend money in a restaraunt as a quid. And it always happened when you were about 4 miles from home.

And then you truly have, a race with the devil.

dizzy mom said...

Scope...and that is why I don't run.

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