Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dwarfs and Little People. College and Hamsters. Nudeness and Suicide.



I went to college with a dwarf. There. I said it.

And do you know what? I'm not at heightist* Why? Because I put my dorm dwarf friend through the same types of abuses that I put other friends through. I'm serious. I did so much crap and practical jokes in college to friends and am actually proud that I didn't treat him (lets call him Rumpelstiltskin) differently because he was smaller than me. Here are some of the good times we shared:

- I would get on his shoulders and he would run around the halls of the dorm. My feet would be dragging on the floor. Sometimes I would pinch him on the neck. That meant to run faster. He was strong as an ox.

- I would fart in the face of Rumpelstiltskin. It was a lot easier since he was always at ass level but just to be a real stinker, if a few people in the dorm were sitting down in the hall - I would still choose him as my victim.

- I once taped all of his shoes to his ceiling. (I know a little rascal that's gonna be late for class).

- I stole his towel when he was in the shower and when he ran down the hall to his room, I put his towel in the drop ceiling - just out of reach - and had his room mate lock the door. I made sure the door was locked just at the last second. When you can hear that lock click, it makes it more horrifying for the victim.

- When I heard his baby hamsters were dying, I made a mini noose and put it in the hamster cage and wrote a note as if it was left by the remaining hamsters. The note read, "I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself" - implying that it was a suicide. Get it?

Now many of you think that is mean but that's what guys do. See - I told you I had nothing against dwarfs. What abusive things did you guys do to your dwarf friends to make them feel normal?

*Damn it I thought I had invented a word. But someone already made it up.

37 comments:

sas said...

I've had it up to *here* with dwarves.
Brilliant post.

Nikki said...

I have no dwarf friends :( I feel cheated.

Fun times those college days. I had no dwarf in my college (that I know of) but my best friends room mate was in a wheelchair and we used to pull the fire alarm (she was on the 5th floor) every morning at 3 AM. Get it cuz you can't use the elevators to get out so my friend would have to carry her. I guess thats more torture to the one able to walk now that I think about it. Hmmm.

MelO said...

I've never had any dwarf friends either but I have told men shorter than 5'4" who asked me out that they had to be *this* tall to ride this ride :D

Belle said...

I have a dwarf in my garden.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I am not laughing. I am not!

PunkyBean said...

I once asked a guy in a wheel chair to move (so I could get by) and my friends were horrified. I said, "He's in my way and I'd ask anyone else to move." They made me feel like a total jerk... At least I didn't tape his shoes to the ceiling!!!!! That's funny, BTW!

Dr Zibbs said...

Melo -GREAT LINE!

diane said...

Where the h*ll did my comment go?

Well, anyway, you should try buying some clothing items in one size down, and then tell him he's going through a growth spurt. Good times.

Somehow, this isn't as funny the second time.

Cameron said...

Ass level...too good ;)

What's your take on the opposite end of the spectrum, exceptionally large people?

Vic said...

I had a roommate in college who was a dwarf too. I know you're going to ask me if she herded flamingos too, but I really did.
I was nice to her though.

Slyde said...

the hamster thing made me wet my pants with hilarity!

B.E. Earl said...

Have you seen In Bruges? Some great dwarf stuff in that film.

Giggle Pixie said...

I've never met a dwarf. But my husband calls me one all the time, since I'm barely 5'. And every time I tell him that 5' is WAAAY taller than a dwarf and he needs to look up "dwarf" and he can clearly see that the criteria...

Sorry. Forgot who I was talking to there for a moment.

Whiskeymarie said...

My sister dated a "little person" once (he looked like a normal dude, just waaaay smaller). This freaked my shit out.
You can imagine my pride when I went out one night (after they had broken up) and he was at the bar with his friends, and they were taking turns tossing him around like a beach ball.

Though, she said he was hung like a normal guy. Huh.

Miss Alex said...

Oh my god this post officially killed me...

Gwen said...

I don't know any personally, but a friend of mine sees them EVERYWHERE she goes. She saw a midget pirate on her honeymoon. No lie. She was nice to him, though. He WAS also a pirate, you know.

words words words said...

I hope for your dwarf friend's sake that Santa's Toy Factory came to career day.

moooooog35 said...

Well..I used to...

..um...

FUCK.

I'm 5'2" tall.

I think I fucking qualify.

Trooper Thorn said...

Classic comedy. Because of Political Correctness, kids don't get to enjoy the good natured abuse of others anymore like we used to.

Kimizzy said...

I have a deaf friend who was going on a road trip and was nervous about it. I told her all would be fine if she just checked her oil, filled up on gas and put on some good tunes. Then I said, "Oh... my bad." She laughed.

I think people like to be treated like everyone else. I make fun of everyone, so they don't get special treatment just for being special ed. Haha. I said special ed.

Peggy said...

I'd like to know if Rumpelstiltskin ever did anything to YOU in retaliation?

J.J. in L.A. said...

I sent a friend an email of a cartoon once because I forgot he was blind. He just laughed.

I have a friend who is a dwarf. We're on a disability list and when she told everyone she was marrying a 6'4 guy no one (except me) congratulated her. They just wanted to know how she could possibly have sex with him.

There's been plenty of times when the person I'm with in a car has walked away with me still in the car. I had to honk at them so they'd come back and get my wheelchair out of the trunk. I consider it a compliment.

Erin said...

Sas's comment made me choke on my coke.

coffeypot said...

Pointing at them and laughing isn't enough? When you go to his house do you look like Gandalf the Gray in Lord of the Rings visiting Bilo Baggins? Does that mean you have friends in low places? Need more???

Caffeine Court said...

It's good to know that you are an equal opportunity abuser.

buffalodick said...

Little People, Big World has to be the most annoying "reality" show out there. Th Dwarf dad is an idiot, the mom dwarf seems to have the brains in the family, the dwarf kid is a mouth breathing moron that took the drivers license test about three times.. their normal sized kids ain't too bright, and it's obvious they are becoming millionares by the home improvements they do... I don't hate dwarves, but I do hate these dwarves..

Cora said...

Sorry, never had any Dwarf friends, Zibbs. I'm not freaking Snow White, you know!

I'm Cinderella, dammit.

Scope said...

I agree with B.E. Earl. That dwarf stuff put that movie over the top.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Oh shit you are funny. And I am glad to see that you are an equal opportunity offender. Nothing like not sticking it to the little guy just because he can't face you litteraly.

The hamster suicide reminded me of my hamster killing days...I'll have to blog that now that I am back to blogging again.

kirby said...

He probably got back at you by fucking all of your girlfriends.

Dr Zibbs said...

You people are all going to hell I think.

Dr Zibbs said...

And Slyde - thanks for telling me the part you thought was funny. I love when people do that.

skywind said...

Too funny, huh, huh. (Laughter)

http://eyesinkaleidoscope.blogspot.com/
http://fymtyh.blogspot.com/

dizzy mom said...

Me likey! You funny yak!

Dr Zibbs said...

I do what I can Dizzy. What can I say?

ChesterCo_PA said...

I wonder if a little person considers a Mini Cooper a mini? Or is just a little car? Or maybe an SUV?

Dr Zibbs said...

I think they'd call a mini Cooper a "big rig"