Friday, July 20, 2007

Heterosexuals Unknowingly Travel To Their Annual Guy's Weekened - That Is About To Turn Gay

A group of heterosexual men packed their bags and flew to Reno yesterday for what they think will be another extended weekend of beer, cards and farting on each other. What they don't know is that the group's organizer, Shawn McClure- (father of two and living a lie) is about to make his move and "try some stuff".

The tradition of an extended weekend with the boys started about 10 years ago and was informally named "YAG" (Young Arrogant Guys). Good time has been had by all at these drink and laugh fests. Last year however, several of the guys started to think Shawn was getting "a bit weird".

Greg Green, one of the holdouts this year explains,

"We're always goofing around and making gay comments to each other but Shawn always took it a bit far. It's hard to explain, but it's like when you're at a urinal and there's some dude next to you and you KNOW something ain't right. It's a gut feeling."

The additional non attendees this year, Jimmy Steinberger, Mike Polaski , Ted Taylor and Len Carnes gathered a few months ago and exchanged stories. Let's just say that all the pieces fell into place. The following is a condensed list that was compiled from a free style brainstorming session entitled, "reasons Shawn McClure is probably gay":

  1. "He came up with the name YAG - spelled backwards is 'GAY' ."

  2. "I woke up one night and he was standing over my bed, applying chap stick and whispering, 'That's it, that's it'".

  3. "We went to a canyon to shoot pistols one year and he kept coming up behind me and putting his arms around my body trying to show me how to hold the gun - you know, the way you do with a chick if you're trying to teach her to golf."

  4. "Whenever there's a guy on TV that's a guy that chicks are into, he looks at you and says something like, 'Zac Efron is such a pretty boy, don't you think....Mike, Mike, hey Mike....Mike don't you think that Zac Efron is one of those pretty boys?' Almost like he's throwing feelers out there."

  5. "One time, Rick was walking by with a towel on and Dan grabbed him and joking around was like, 'C'mon Rick you know you want it'. We were all cracking up but when I looked over at McClure, he was eating this rib and just staring...slowly eating his last rib. I'm no lip reader but he was slowly saying, 'KNOW....YOU....WANT....IT'. Then slowly went back to eating the rib. It was like the frickin' gay Hannibal Lechter or something."

  6. "One time he was reading Sports Illustrated - but it was UPSIDE DOWN! When he went to the bathroom I walked over and behind the Sports Illustrated was the American Girl Magazine. And this is where it gets weird. I think he actually brought it there. The subscription address was scribbled out, but I'm 99% sure that it was his work address"!

  7. "He was putting sun tan lotion on Mike's back one one time - which sorry Mike, you may be gay too - and it was like a God damn ritual. First, he stood behind Mike and put the lotion on his hands but kind of rubbing his wrist together a bit -almost like he was about to savor something that he's been waiting a LONG TIME FOR. He then starts putting the lotion on and the look on his face is kind of like the look Rick gets when he's eating something really good. It's like he's holding back saying, this feels SOOOOO good'. Then about 30 seconds into the rubbing he leans over a little closer to Mike and says, 'Wow, you sure are tense'. And to put icing on the cake, he has his sunglasses dangling out of his mouth the whole time."
  8. One time we found a pair of underwear in Rick's kitchen drawer that Rick uses as a pot holder - which is a whole different story in itself, but the next day - that underwear was missing. I was like, 'Hey, what happened to that underwear?" Just then, Ted walks in and says, 'Who the hell was putting things in their car at 4:30 in the morning?". I look over at Shawn and he looked guilty as hell. He did the ole eye shift to the right - then to the left - then said, 'Hey what's that over there?' as if he was looking at something in the other room. He then quickly got up and left the room. It was pretty freaky. I think he knew I was on to him."

The YAG weekend continues until Monday. We wish you all well.

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