I'm Racist When It Comes To Dogs. Chester County Ugly Dog.

The other night I'm upstairs and I hear my son come in. Then I hear a tiny dog bark.

I perk up. Whu???

It sounded almost like a cute puppy bark. So I run downstairs all excited, turn the corner and..... *cue the loser music for the Price is Right* "Bum-Bum-Babuuuuuumm Waaaaaaaa"

It wasn't a cute puppy. It was a scraggly old cockapoo. With a bad haircut. And it was just walking away from me. It's saggy, discolored sphincter staring me in the face. Mocking me. Pure disappointment. It turns out my son saw it walking around outside. He eventually found the owner that night.

But as for petting it? No thanks. I think I'm just racist against some dog breeds. Not that I hate them but I just don't care about them. And I'm a dog lover too. Of the important breeds*.

I love dogs (some breeds) so much that if I go to somebody's house and I see a dog I'll practically push them aside to go play with the dog. But this saggy sphincter dog? No. I'm just as likely to walk into somebody's house, see a hamster and run over to the cage and be like, "Whoa! Who's this little guy? Hey buddy. What are you doing in there? Look! He's thinking about going on his wheel!! I can just tell! You guys go outside I'm just going to wait here and watch him run on his wheel for a while."

I know. It might be wrong but if you're judging me doesn't that make YOU a people racist? *holds up mirror to your face*

*Like the Newfoundland dogs you see above. I would love to get one of those someday.

Dogs I Like. Dogs I Hate. From The Bedlington Terrier To The Mastiff.

Dogs I would never own:

Lhasa Apso (Yeah right. And I’m going to start wearing dresses)
Schnauzer (I’ve never met one I’ve liked. Always out of control)
Maltese
Dalmatian (one of the dumbest dogs)
Bichon Frise (gayer than poodles)
Chinese Crested (remind me of dirty rats with skin conditions)
Bedlington Terrier (Have you ever seen these freaks?? I mean come on now! Look at it. How do you walk down the street with this thing?):


Dogs I WOULD get:

Airedale
Akita (One of my neighbor’s used to own two. Very loyal)
Australian Shepherd (cool medium sized smart dogs)
Brittany Spaniel
German Shepherd
German Shorthaired Pointer
Golden Retriever
Labrador Retriever (Had one that died. Bingo. Best dog ever)

Honorable mentions:

Boxer (too drooly)
Doberman (only if I could find one that I could trust)
Irish Terrier (maybe)
English Mastiff (don’t live long enough and too big but my brother has one that I like*)
Newfoundland (too big)
Rhodesian Ridgeback (would need to learn a bit more about them first)
Bernese Mountain Dog (too big)

* the photo above is my brother’s dog. The picture was taken when she was about 9 months old.

Pretty Funny Quick Video. Talking Dog.

Kinda dumb but also "Dots a good von!"

Dog Humping Old Lady Equal Hilarity. What The??

This is probably one of the funniest potential rape scenes I've ever seen.

Bingo The Dog Is Finally Gone. Burying A Dog Sucks.

A few weeks ago I mentioned how we had to put my dog Bingo to sleep because we found out he had cancer of the spleen. And we were going to do it right away because the vet said he only had a few weeks to live.

After talking to the vet more she said that he wasn't really in pain, just some discomfort. So we decided to take it day by day. And although he was more tired than usual, and followed us around more than more, he didn't seem that bad.

He even ran out the door and followed me up the street just a few days ago. I looked back and he was running after me, his big old lab tail wagging. Running a bit slower than usual but still running.

Well yesterday things took a turn for the worse. He started to bleed a bit out of his ass.

So we called the vet, and instead of telling us to bring him to one of the vets that was open on a Sunday she said, "I live in Downingtown. I'll be there in half hour." Which was so great.

She came over and we decided to have him put to sleep right there. On our front porch. It was really, really sad but also very peaceful. I didn't think that I'd be able to sit through it but I did. We talked to him as he got the first injection and got more and more tired.

Over the 20 minutes it took for him to be sedated a few people were walking their dogs around the block. He would normally bark but instead he just looked up. Once he was fully sedated, she gave the second injection and it was over in five minutes.

I even asked if she could help wrap him up in the blanket because just moving him around while he was lifeless was too much. So she wrapped him up. Swaddled him really. We thanked her and she left.

We decided to bury him in the back yard so we put him into the wheelbarrow and wheeled him to the back of our yard next to the creek. It was right next to where we buried all of the other frogs, gerbils, Guinea pigs and hermit crabs over the years. But this hole was going to have to be a lot bigger.

I dug the hole while Bingo laid wrapped in his favorite blue blanket. The hole took about an hour to dig because there were so many rocks. I'd stop once in a while and just look at the blanket - not believing he was dead. And cry a bit.

Finally, after digging the hole, we put him in the hole and made sure he was curled up. We then put two of his stuffed animals in with him. Then filled in the dirt. There was a huge rock that I put in front of his grave. I may paint his name on it.

A sad day. But I'm glad we decided to bury him in the back yard instead of having him cremated. At least we'll know he'll always be there.

Goodbye Bingo. You were a great dog.

A Pet Dying Sucks. We Love You Bingo.

I'm playing this short video of a puppy lab because I just found out my lab Bingo has cancer and we have to put him to sleep this week.

We just told the kids. This sucks.

Dream and Nightmare I Had. Plane Crash and Dog Saver.

Here is a dream and a nightmare I had this weekend:

Dream:

I was at some huge show. It was so huge that the stage was on an aircraft carrier. There were thousands of people in the audience and hundreds of celebs in the show.

So during the break, they invited a few people backstage to hang out. I was in a room and someone says, "Oh, do you know Tom Cruise?"

And Tom Cruise is like, "What's up man?" and gives me the bro hand shake.

I was unimpressed.

Nightmare:

I was on a plane headed to Greece. While we're over the Atlantic, the Captain comes on and says, "This is your captain, I'm afraid to inform everyone that the plane will be making a crash landing into the Ocean. Unfortunately, we've lost all radio contact as well. I'm very sorry."

So as everyone is preparing to die, some old guy turns to me and whispers, "I'm an engineer and because of this type of crash, you're in the perfect seat. You will be the only one to survive."

Some time passes and I see that someone had a Golden Retriever puppy on their lap. I called the puppy over to sit on my lap so it could survive too. Then it crashed.

Labs, PA Snow, Elephant Man, and Mirrors.

Here's a picture* of my Golden Lab (alias Parcheezi for security purposes) trying to pull a huge frozen stick out of the snow. Look at him go. Sadly, he failed because it was frozen solid into the ground.

And if you look at the bottom of the picture...what the hell? Is that the shadow of my head? Oh my God! What's going on there? It's all mis-shapen and what not.

Oh no. I hope I'm really not an elephant man or something but when I look in the mirror I see a normal looking person.

I better go check.

*To be honest - this picture is from last year.

Chester County Deer Whisperer Wannabe Keeps Dreaming.

Here's a picture I took near my West Whiteland, PA neighborhood of a herd of deer a few weeks ago. Everytime I see some deer, I try to softly approach them to see how close I can get. You know, how Injuns do in the movies.

But I can never get really close. I honestly think that the way that I creep up, I'm going to be kind of like the Dog Whisperer but with deer. Then the deer are going to circle around me and we'll become friends. I might even get on the back of the leader - Staggs McCoy - and he'll take me for a ride.

"Hey Dr Zibbs. Can you teach me to train deer?"

"I can't teach one to train deer my friend. It's all in here." (points to heart then rides Stags McCoy away - jumping over a fence and disappearing from view).

It never happens though. They just run. Stupid deer.

Maybe I'll just chuck a rock at them next time.

Breaking News! Portuguese Water Hound May Be In White House

So the term Portuguese Water Hound is the number one search term in Google Trends right now. Do you know why? Because it may be the dog that the Obama family picks to be their new dog. It's between the Portuguese Water Hound and a Labradoodle.

Jesus Christ. I can't believe that is the top Google Search! People sure do have a lot of time on their hands. And the more time people waste reading nonsense, the less time they have to read my amazing gems. So to save you time, here are a few search terms in the top 100:

Half Smoke
American Pie Band Camp
2010 Ford Taurus
Desert Botanical Garden
Barefoot Contessa
Peanut Butter recall
The Karate Kid
Uvula
Fun Foil Art
Farmhouse Movie

Now get back to reading my blog.

The King of Jerks - When It Comes To Dog Breeds

If someone forced me to pick one breed of dog that should be extinct, I'd have to go with the Schnauzer. Is there another breed that won't shut up and is just downright mean? I can't think of one. And I'm a dog lover too. Oh yeah, unless of course it's YOUR Schnauzer...yeah....yours is different and I'd probably like yours. Mmm-hmmm.

The other breeds that make the short list are the Yorkie (yapper) and the dummy of all breeds, the Dalmatian. I might spare these based on the individual personality though.

Hey! Here's A Picture of My Dog

So here's a picture of my dog. Since there may be some stalkers that have access to local veterinarian records, I'm not going to give you his real name. Let's just call him Parcheesi. He's a Golden Lab. I wonder what he's thinking there? Probably something about bones. Parcheesi is faithful, obeys and listens to the rules. That's about it. I had this picture on my computer and thought I'd put it up.

Oh yeah, we also have an Italian American pig. I don't like him so I've refused to memorize his name.

What boring stories about your pets would you like to share?