This Dude Named Dale At Work. Twizzler Ritual. Tastykake Pie Packaging.

A letter to this dude at work and his Twizzler eating ritual. His name is - get this - DALE.

Dale,

On behalf of everyone your Twizzler eating ritual has to stop. It's bad enough that you walk around with a coffee stirrer hanging out of your mouth trying to look like a badass but the Twizzler thing must stop.And by the way stop walking around with your chest out like you're a muscle guy. You're a fat guy. And on that note do you know that your protruding belly button can be seen through TWO shirts?? TWO!! Like a pregnant lady!

OK back to the Twizzlers. Here's what you do. You get one Twizzler then you dangle it in your mouth for about a minute. Then you chomp it in the way a horse would and chew a bit then chomp some more in. If you saw yourself on film you might stop. But I doubt it. Kids do this!

And on other food related news do you really have to bring a full Thanksgiving sized meal into lunch everyday? Keeping the fridge loaded up with all of your TV dinners and microwaveable meals? Then you make a production out of the meal. Pulling out bags of salad, salad dressing, baggies of cheese, side dishes in tupperware, applesauce and snack pack puddings, spices, tastykakes for dessert... ENOUGH!

And the way you eat? I'm happy  - and surprised actually - that you keep your mouth shut but what the hell is going on with your lips when you chew? You look like a camel! LOOK IN THE MIRROR! It's gross! And you examine the food. Then every bite you take in slowly. I can tell you're enjoying it. Savoring.

You're obsessed with food.. Every time somebody is pulling their lunch out of the fridge you curiously look over. Extending your neck. The mice running on the wheel in your pee brain running as hard as they can trying to figure out what they're about to eat. Like a dog. It's killing you that you don't know so you then casually say, "Eh? ...So whatcha got there?" Also weird and creepy. Then you make a comment about the food and tell the person what you're preparing. Nobody cares Dale.

And finally, remember when I was eating a Tastykake cherry pie and you gave a five minute dissertation about how the new packaging for the pies is a rip off because "the pie packaging is heavier but the total weight of the product is the same so we're getting ripped off?" and it was probably "some big wigs*" idea?

Did you notice how I wasn't paying attention? Well take a hint.

*Who says "big wig?"

I've Got A Confession. That Man Is A Nuisance. Gum.

I've got a confession. OK. Well first off, let me start by saying that I've never smashed a bottle against a wall. I don't throw trash out of my car window. I don't do graffiti. Well, unless you're talking back in the day. I used to leave tons of pen drawn graffiti in bathroom stalls at school. But that was more like art. Entertainment for the masses so lets not count that.

But there is one thing I do that I'm not proud of. Sometimes when I'm done chewing gum I'll discreetly drop it on the ground in a parking lot. Something about the idea of someone stepping it then just cracks me up. Does that make me a dick? Maybe. I just can't help myself I tells ya!

Kid: I stepped in gum!

Mom: Oh Timmy why don't you watch where you're going! (as if everyone can spot a piece of gum). Let me see....Oh my God what a mess!

The mom then takes a tissue out of her purse to try and clean it off. As if THAT'S going to work.

A content Zibbs watches the scene from the bushes.

Actually I would feel bad if a kid stepped in it. In my head only assholes step in it. A 50 year old blabbermouth yenta. An old racist factory worker named Bob. Brice, the playground bully. Wow. When you look at it that way I'm kinda performing a public service.

And on other gum dropping related news I remember years ago working with this goody goody chick and she stepped in gum in the parking lot and said, "Oh my God! I stepped in gum! Who DOES that?! Why would anyone DO that?!!"

You had to hear how she said it. She was so horrified at the thought that she lives in a society where someone would drop a piece of gum. It's as if she just discovered her tires were slashed and pig's blood thrown all over her windshield.  Listen sweetheart. It's gum. Get  over it OK?

Hysterical Post Halloween Video. Candy.

Dominica aka @MrsMushiMushi tweeted this to me. Hysterical. Especially the last kid.

Blogs, Link Love, And How To Make Friends In The Blog World.

I've been blogging for a while. And I've always made it a point to write posts about other blogs that I like. Most people that have been reading my blog for a while know that I've been really generous when it comes to the amount of bloggers that I link to in posts.

And it's not just so they'll link back to me. Even though they do. I really do love to watch a blog that has nobody reading it start to grow. And even though I write all this crazy stuff, I love the people that are writing these posts. It's such a part of my life now. Nothing like being out and around and having a bunch of comments to read on my blackberry.

It took me ages to have people read my blog. If you look at the early days of my blog - nobody was reading it. Nobody. I'd write a post then ask, "What do you think?" (cricket, cricket) But all it really took was to start commenting on other blogs.

So here's a post from Candy that really made me feel great. Really great. To view it, click here.

And on a related note. Are you a lurker or someone that hasn't left a comment in a while? Go ahead, leave one now.

Mmmmm. Reese's Big Cup Hits The Spot

I probably eat one or two candy bars a week. If I'm in Wawa and I'm in the mood I'll pick one up. The only candy bars I ever buy are Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Snickers, Hershey's with almonds or Peanut M&M's.

Well add this new one to the list: The Reese's Big Cup. It fills me up more than the regular size and and I don't want to look like slob and buy the four packs. I hereby endorse this product.

The only thing that would make this day better is if I could see a Reeses commercial starring Robby Benson and Don Most (aka Ralph Malph) and it was filmed by someone holding a camera up to a crappy TV. Wait a minute. I can...right here.

Good & Plenty Commercial

Here's an old commercial for Good and Plenty candy with a catchy tune. When I was little, some kid showed me how to blow into the box and make it whistle. His name wasn't Charlie .

Coulhoun Presents West Chester's Mr. Classy With Elvis Reese's Cup

Dear Nana Zibbs,

Not two hours after the Entemann's/Hostess posting I entered the Boot Road Wawa and who do I see? That's right - Calhoun. And do you know what that Delaware County bred hillbilly did? He reached into his overalls and opened his wallet and bought me one of the new Reece's Elvis Peanut Butter and Banana Cream Cups and let me tell you they were downright delightful.

The banana cream resides below the peanut butter and nicely compliments the chocolate. Calhoun's favorite things are Elvis, food and boobs. If Hershey's (producer of Reese's) would just mold the the Elvis peanut butter cups into the shape of boobies I think Calhoun would give these morels and A plus!

Click on the following to read more about this new candy treat:

Slashfood

Junkfood Blog

Candyblog