West Chester Blogger Focuses On One Aspect Of Jesus Dummy LP. Nervous Barber.

Of all the weirdness in this album cover the first thing I thought was, "Man that dummy is totally wearing a wig."

And a wig in the style of maybe 1977?

I wonder if there was ever a ventriloquist that was embarrassed to bring his dummy onstage because the hair of his dummy was too outdated. "I can't do it! I look like a fool!"

So then he brought the dummy to a barber shop to get it cut but felt weird so he said that the dummy was really his kid and that the kid gets nervous around barbers and just clams up and doesn't talk so, "Could you just kindly get on with the haircut without asking any questions?"

The barber then nervously cuts the hair of the boy who just stares ahead. The barber's hands a' shakin'. Sweat dripping down his face.

A Very Important Message From THAT BLUE YAK. PRESS CONFERENCE.

It is true! I AM the most important person on the internet. Look at all of those comments. It's unheard of. It's gotta be some kind of record.

I was gonna wait until I got 100 comments but I changed my mind. Plus, I don't want to be responsible for any suicides.

Now here is my statement:

If I read the post about me bitching, my response would have been something along the lines of "Stop being a big baby". Which is what many of you wrote. I honestly wrote that post in a minute because I was in a pissy mood. So there you go.

But some of the comments just baffle me.

As for needing validation? Of course I do.

As for writing and not caring who reads it? Hell no. That's like writing something, then printing it out and throwing it in the trash. That's no fun.

But the comment that really blew my mind was from Katrocket.* She wrote:

Why would we want to read a blog that's all about how awesome you think your blog is? You're not very funny. You regularly insult your readers. And obviously you have some weird issues about commenting. That's not very interesting.

I honestly TRIED to figure you out for a while because i saw some potential, but when you sent a bunch of people over to my blog to guilt me into writing comments on YOUR blog, that was the last straw. Now I just think you're a jerk.

Now fuck off or get on with it. The choice is yours.

Really? A dick move is sending readers to your blog to guilt you into commenting? HAHAHA. Why would that bother somebody? Somebody, please tell me. Isn't half the fun of leaving comments saying something goofy? How could someone feel guilted into leaving a comment?

Insulting readers? Of course I do. I often call them peasants or the commoners but who reading this blog would be offended? It's so absurd it makes me laugh.

And saying how awesome my blog is?? It is though. That's exactly what this blog is about. Being a self absorbed, clueless parody. How could anyone not get that after reading a few posts? I don't get it.

And saying I'm not very funny? That's fine. I'm not going to please everyone all the time. I get people saying some posts are too weird and others saying to write more about myself so I'm never gonna please everyone. But I do get lots of comments and emails saying I'm hyterical. So whatever.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to pick up my capes from the dry cleaners.

Let the comments begin.

*and I do truelly hope you keep reading my blog. Perhaps reading it aloud or with a friend would make it funnier. I don't know.

Footprints In Sand Jesus Invention. I'm On An Inventing Roll.

And now - another invention....

Pretend you're in a board room and I'm presenting. Here we go:

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you know, the Christians are a gullible bunch. They do love that ridiculous "Footprints in the Sand" poem don't they? Don't they?

(looks at guy looking out the window throws a donut at him)

Tubby I need your full attention!

(The group gets nervous and gives me their full, well deserved attention)

Now - there are a lot of Footprints in the Sand products out there but they're all collectible junk. Sculptures, t-shirts, necklaces and massagers.

But there isn't this.

(I then slowly - olde style pulley style - pull up the white veil that reveals my creation. The creaky pulley sound adds to the drama)

My friends... I give you THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND REAL LIFE FOOTPRINT KIT.

Now let me explain what it is (paces room). As you know from the poem, there are four footprints in the sand then there are two. Well this contraption that attached to the shins of the wearer actually leaves four footprints in the sand. Then, after you've got Jesus followers following you, you pull up the two feet and then there are only two! The extra two feet compactly hide themselves into a backback that you're wearing.

The bible holding people that have been following you will then see the two footprints and believe that Jesus is actually carrying you. Just like in the poem! Imagine the hilarity as you hide in the dunes and chuck shit at them!

Of course it takes a while to work and get the hang of the contraption - like stilts - but trust me. After a few weeks at my camp, I'm assured that even uncoordinated people will be able to work this thing.

(wait for applause and attacks from believers).

P.S. I'm thinking about saying something like "Taa Daa" at the end but I need to work it out a bit and make sure that doesn't sound stupid.

Jesus Golfing? Oh Come On - He's Just Grinding. Look at that Expression.

Jesus: Now what you want to do Suzy is just swing the club like this....

Suzy: What's that thing pushing against me?

Jesus: Uh...that's a golf tool Suzy..it's called a...a divot. Yeah it's a divot.

Billy: A divot's not a golf tool Jesus. A divot is a ...

Jesus: Did I ask you to speak Billy? Do you want to go to hell? Be on your way. Now.. back to the grinding...I MEAN golfing lesson.

Happy Easter. WCHE 1520. Gigantic Monster Jesus.

Number one - stay calm. If my calculations are correct, the real Jesus will rise from the dead today at 3:00. He will have grown to 100 feet tall.

And he's pissed.

I'm urging all citizens to gather as many eggs as they can. When the gigantic Jesus approaches you, throw the eggs directly at his heart. You've got to trust me on this.

I will be releasing a message to all survivors via the West Chester radio station WCHE 1520 AM in a few days with a plan for rebuilding.

Good luck.

Awesome Book Is Cooler Than The Bible Dude!

Look at this book. It's called "Anybody Can Be Cool ....But Awesome Takes Practice". It's a book that teaches teens to be "cool" through the teachings of Jesus.

Huh?

We all know that being cool has nothing to do with the Lord Jesus Christ your personal savior. The only cool gods I've ever seen are me and that elephant with the multiple limbs. What's his name? He's Hindu or something? You know the one I'm talking about.

A reader sent me this link to the book and I had to post it*. Look at that cover. I bet the blond haired dude is saying something about being yourself and using a crazy bible story as an example. Sure looks like he's got the attention of his listeners.

When I was in third grade I got roped into going to a "meeting" by some chick in my class. It turns out that it was some freaky Christian cult. They had us doing fun stuff for a while then started talking about religion. And they were trying to make religion cool. Trying. Very hard. I was in third grade and still knew it was bullshit and was looking for a way to escape. I still ask my parents what they were thinking when they let me go to that thing.

They claim they don't remember. Surrrrrre.

*and you have to click on the link and see what some of the reviewers on Amazon wrote about this book. Classic.

The Most Annoying Sound In The World Is.....

There aren't many things that strangers can do put me into kill mode. But the other week when I was at the library, I heard the most annoying sound known to humans. That noise is a woman sucking and rattling a God damned Halls Cough Drop around in her mouth while breathing loudly through her mouth like Lisa Loopner. And she switches the Halls from side to side and sucks on it every few seconds so she can swallow it's healing juices!

There aren't many things that bother me to the point that makes me want to smash the person in the face!

Why Oh Mighty and Powerful Jesus do you not give me the strength to grab this woman by the ears and tell her she's got 3 seconds to get out of my sight? Do I need to call on Beelzebub to give me the strength and guidance? You know that a few years ago when a car picked me up at 5 in the morning for the airport there was an old lady in the car doing the same thing with a Halls. For the entire trip to the Philly Airport. Remember that time?? Are you testing me Mr. Jesus?

How does a grown woman not know she's making a huge racket like this? Does she not see I keep looking at her to give her the signal to stop? That's it. Just reliving it is making me so mad that I need to go find someone to punch!

"HEY YOU...COME HERE! YEAH YOU!..STOP RUNNING!"

*One time in college I was in a class and I was picking my fingernail - I swear it was barely audible - and this chick next to me with all her rage said, "WILL. YOU. PLEASE . STOP. DOING. THAT!?" Frickin' psycho but I wish I had her courage. Instead - I am like the Cowardly Lion before receiving his fancy courage degree from the Wizard.

BREAKING NEWS: New Blogger Hates People That Are Different

So a conversation in the comments section a few posts ago goes like this with Lydia, new reader and commenter of my amazing, award winning blog:

Lydia: ...I'm still awaiting to hear if you are in fact male.
Dr Zibbs: Lydia, I'm so male I'm like 2 males. Twins. OK Siamese Twins.

If you're a reader of my blog, you know that I believe all creatures are created equal. Everybody is special. Some people are even more special, like retarded people. That's why I think they're called "retarded special"...and something about the love of Jesus or something...I forget the exact wording of my mission statement...anyways, imagine by sadness when I click on her blog and see this!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get baby Jesus* a tissue. I hear him crying.

*I just thought of a great idea for churches that believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost for Jesus. What if, like that immature picture that Lydia posted, you had the Father, Son and Holy Ghost as Siamese triplets? Hmm? I know. Some of the best ideas are soooooo simple.

Retard and Slavic Button - The Greatest Gift of All

Could you imagine if you had Nana Zibbs, mixed in her native language then added a dash of a costumed retard - all in the name of promoting my blog? Just like the story of Jesus rising from the ashes - another magical day has arrived.

When I told readers of this blog that they had to help me promote my blog, I didn't even threaten them by implying that I might start charging a subscription fee to read my blog. They took the order at face value and got to work. To see the glorious miracle visit Lots Better Then Your Blog and Everything I like Causes Cancer.

Thank you Falwless and Gwen. If I was indeed magical, I would jump on my magical steed and gallop to pick you both up. I'd walk into your factory jobs and carry you out like on Officer and a Gentleman . I'd then rent out a middle school gym for a ceremony and personally give you ribbons that said, "Best That Blue Yak Promotion Using a Retarded Person and a Slavic Language". Then I'd make you both feel special by throwing a bunch of rose petals on you and rub girly lotions on you (including "sensitive areas"). Next, I'd give you each a very expensive gift basket and then take you to a classy area restaurant - and let you order anything on the menu.

Now I just have to figure out how to get it on my site.

Jesus Tells West Whiteland Man To Continue Taking Extra Wing

The following is true life story that actually happened to That Blue Yak Marketing Manager Ted Murphy:

First off, let me tell you that the wings at the Downingtown Wegmans are downright delicious. You can get 10 wings for $6,99. You get to pick from several styles including BBQ, Teriyaki, Southern style and more. It's a self serve so a few months ago it became a bit tempting to "accidentally" put an 11th wing in the box. My crime went unnoticed 5 times.

In addition to my eyes being bigger than my stomach and not being able to finish the wings AND thinking what I was doing might be wrong, I decided last week to even things out be getting only 9 wings.

Feeling like a saint, I went to my car to eat the wings. I threw my tie over my shoulder so it wouldn't get in the food. Then I lined my lap with paper towels because I'm such a messy eater that I need to take major precautions so I don't get food all over myself.

The carnage began. The wings were as tasty as ever and I ate them carefully as I drove over to the Home Depot across route 30. I spilled not a single heavenly drop of sauce on myself which was a miracle. I parked the car and reached for the extra napkins that I thought were in my car. To my horror, I was out of napkins and my hands were completely caked with sauce and the sticky teryaki sauce. It looked like I'd been having a catch with sticky buns. I tried to wipe some of the gook off with tissues but the tissues stuck like feathers to tar.

I decided that I'd have to walk briskly to the bathroom to clean up. My fear was that if I ran into someone and they put their hand out to shake I would have to say, "Oh, I can't shake - See? My hands are completely covered with sauce and tissues."

I arrived in the bathroom, turned on the water and this is the image that stared back at me:

I think we can all take this as a signal from Jesus that he was punishing me for taking 9 wings. I don't know why he wants me to return to taking 11 wings but I will have to follow his orders. He is Jesus after all.