How To Kiss. World's Best Kisser According To A Patch I Have.

If you read my blog you know that I'm very humble. But I will admit that I'm the best kisser that ever lived. In the history of the world.

I have the trophies, plaques and patches to prove it.

My policy is: if the chick doesn't want to rip your clothes off after you've kissed her for 5 minutes you're not doing it right.

Now I'm not gonna go into all my secret techniques. You'll just have to trust me on it. But I may...it's not a promise..but I've mentioned on Twitter that I MAY be setting up a kissing booth. I gotta work out all the details. You know, permission slip, booth construction*, gift card bullshit. You don't just OPEN a kissing booth.

While you're waiting, check out this video on "How To Kiss" that I found on Youtube. I mean...it's got some of the basics but...



*Finding the exact orange hue for the interior shag walls takes longer than you can imagine.

Chicken Wings. How To. Pissed Off Lady. Bronx Caterpillar. Precious.

How DO you eat chicken wings? Are there tips? There sure are.

I started reading a new blog recently and this helpful chicken wing eating tip video was on it. (Sorry for not mentioning your blog but I forget the name of it. Mention in the comments who you are).

It's actually pretty cool. Maybe I can now go back to eating chicken wings in public instead of in the privacy of my own home. The only down side of this is that when I eat wings, I like to lean over a plate and eat them really fast while breathing like a Neanderthal. With this new technique you have to be slow and mannerly.



What? A double shot video? Yup. On the subject of chicken wings, here's a pleasant woman from the Bronx named Raqui* yelling about feathers she found on her chicken wings and a caterpillar she found on her corn. It's way too long, so maybe you just want to check out the first minute.



*If they do a Part two of that new comedy Precious, like "Precious, the Payback" or "Precious Goes To Flight School" I think they should consider Raqui for the part.

How To Use Marvin Gaye To Pick Up Girls - Sexual Heeling.

"You're going to help me pick up girls Dr Zibbs?"

Yes I am friend. But I'm not going to tell you how to do it The Pick-up Artist Style. Sorry Mystery. I'm gonna tell you Zibbs style.

Step 1: First of all, you need to be a bit familiar with the song Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.

Step 2: You need to get two men to play separate characters. Try your local community theater. You'll find many no talents that will jump at the chance of an acting job.

Step 3: Find an attractive lady in a bar. If she's very dumb it will be a snap. If she's not a dummy, you may have to work a bit harder. I didn't say this would be easy did I?

Step 4: While hiding out of sight - maybe behind a potted plant, have actors one and two approach the lady - one actor on either side.

Actor #1: (dressed as weird professor he leans into the lady's face and whispers really loudly) Get up, get up, get up......

Actor #2: (dressed as a longshoreman or lumberjack he leans into the lady's face from the other side and breaths into her ear as creepily as possible) Wake up, Wake up, Wake up........

At this point, you come barreling out from the shadows.

You: Stop! (use the International "stop" motion of holding palm outward) I want you two jerks out of here! PRONTO!

(The actors flee. You coolly sit down next to her - make sure you've showered and you're well groomed).

Bartender: What do you want to drink Mac?

You: I'll take a scotch on the rocks. And for the lady, she'll have some (pause, look at her and cock head).... sexual healing - FROM ME - not from you.

Good luck! And to hear the Sexual Healing song and really get it into your blood, click here.

So that's my Friday send off song. And the shout out this week goes to new readers Belle from Fawty.com, Vic from the blog What Were You Thinking? and Cameron from Get The Stink Off.

Check out their blogs and tell them who sent you. Me. That's who.

I Can See That Chick's Crack! Blackberry Camera Help Needed!

So suppose one can see some chick's crack right now because she's wearing low rider jeans.

And suppose one wanted to snap a picture with their Blackberry and email it to his friend Sean but when taking a picture, the camera makes a noise.

How would one - and I'm not saying it's me - disable the sound so the chick wouldn't hear the camera go off?

Or would it be better to take the picture and make a really loud sound at the same time like a fake sneeze, dropping a book or yelling something like, "Don't turn around! Some bees are about to sting you!!"

Or maybe this person - this person that I'm totally making up - would just take the picture. Then when the chick turned around he could pretend he's trying to figure out the blackberry as if he just bought it and he could be looking at it and in a curious, confused way and say,

"Now that's not how it sends email...hmmm? (taps blackberry on desk then shakes it). Hello? Verizon? Who can even figure these things out anyway? Not me........

Oh The Irony. Why Am I So Unhandy?

So last night by daughter locked herself in her room. After getting the doorknob off, the metal piece that goes into the side of the door still wouldn't come out. I went online to look up "how a doorknob works". I used various screwdrivers, knives, bent credit cards. Nothing worked.

An hour and a half into the ordeal I climbed out my bedroom window and into my daughter's room - breaking the blinds as I climbed into her room. I brought her onto the porch roof and into my bedroom and went back into her room to try from the inside. Failure again.

I rarely get headaches but I now had the worst headache. Probably from the frustration so I said to hell with it. I'll do it in the morning.

So I turn the TV on feeling like a complete failure. And do you know what is on? "Alone in the Wilderness"! The story about Richard Proenneke - the dude that lives in Alaska for 30 years and built everything with his hands. I almost threw my TV out the window. But then I figured I'd have to fix the window so I just sat and watched the show. In shame.

West Chester Blogger Shares Steps to Building Memorable Characters

..speaking of old people, the characters portrayed in the last post were actual real people that I saw in the Exton Kmart last week. I never met these old people, I just saw them there. I'm not kidding. Never met them but I was still able to get inside their heads and turn words into character that "jump off the page".

You my friend are about to get a free lesson on how to create memorable characters in a blog post. Here's how you can get some of the boring characters YOU write about in your posts "come to life".

1) Always, always carry a camera, tape recorder, note pad and release forms.

2) Go to a mall or Kmart. These places are full of freaks from all walks of life. And these future characters of yours will be gabbin' about all kinds of things. "I think the sale said it goes until Friday" is what you might hear from someone. Write this gem down. When you get home, review what you've heard and try replacing the words with different words. It's that simple. How about:

"I think the GIANT BIRD said it goes until Friday."

"I think the sale said it goes until MARTIN LUTHER KING'S BIRTHDAY."

(See? It's like mad libs but easier).

3) What if you see some weird looking guy but he's just not talking? How are you going to turn this guy into blog gold when he hasn't said a word? I never said this was going to be easy. You, yes you need to GET him to talk. Turn on your voice recording device and try this.

You: You've won!
Muse: Won what?
You: You'll see. (flee the scene).

4) Draw a few rough sketches of how your characters walk. When at home, piece these sketches together and live that walk through practice. Forgot to number the order on the sketches? No problem. Imagine some of the quirks your character might have now! You might even have created a crazy walking creature from scratch!

5) Live the life of the characters you've created for at least a day. Don't break character. Remember that pickle joke post? I wore a green leotard and cape around for a day. Sure it looked ridiculous and you look like a fool at a wedding but WHO CARES?

OK. That's it for now. Give it a shot and let me know some the techniques you've tried.

How To Read My Amazing Blog The Correct Way

I must take a quick second to thank my most favorite blogger, Falwless at Lots Better Than Your Blog. She wrote a post today about one of MY brilliant posts. Here's a clip of what she wrote:

So I'm at his blog on Monday and I'm looking back through the days-old entries and I reread the one with the YouTube of the Swedish lady licking the ice cream cone. And I get to the sentence "Some stupider and uglier people would have have tossed the whole cone into the trash can and left it for the yellow jackets." And as I get to the yellow jackets part, I realize that it is a link -- a link I had not noticed before. So I click it. And it opens this

She is a smart one that Falwless. But many of you readers aren't as bright, talented and in love with me as this lass. So I'd like to give you a few tips on how to maximize your reading pleasure at my award winning blog because it's not something that you just pick up and start reading.

Here are some tips:

1) Announce that you're going to read it to whomever is around you. If they don't hear you, you're not talking loud enough. Fashion a bullhorn out of a coned piece of paper. Speaking into the small side will somehow magically make your sound come out louder. (Don't worry, the loud sound will come out of the large side - so it can't hurt you).

2) Once some listeners crowd around, ask them to sit cross legged on the floor and tell them to pretend they're about to hear an old time radio broadcast. Make an old time arched radio out of cardboard and tape it to the back of your laptop to really give them a great effect. Think the Waltons. If one smart ass says something like, "Good night Mary Ellen", have this person removed immediately! Don't even let someone go disrepectin' this blog!

3) When you see words that are a different color, click on the word. This is a "link" and a crazy treat might pop up. It's like biting into a piece of hard candy and you break a tooth. You didn't expect your tooth to break but now you'll get some valuable tooth fairy money.

4) Change your voice at the parts where someone is talking. (Unless you're the man of a thousand voices like me, stick to the easy voices: John Wayne, gay guy or Jewish person - you know - any of the Robin Williams voices).

5) Once you get to the end, click on the "comments". This is an area that other readers - like you - can leave funny comments or praise for me. Are these commenters paid writers ? Nope. In fact, most are real people.

6) If you have something funny to say (or praise for me) consider leaving a comment. Don't just write anything. Do what all the commenters do which is brainstorm some ideas, then try the ideas out on a friend, a policeman or a member of the clergy. If the person is honest, they'll tell you if the comment is going to "work". If you do write something stupid and ruin the tone and tempo of this this blog, you will regret it. So make sure it's a comment worth reading.

7) And most of all, have fun and be safe. Now let's go do some That Blue Yak reading.