Real Sex Talk From Doctor Before I Got Married. Being Clean.

Remember when I told you about the sex talk I got from my Dad? No? Click here to read it.

Well I just remembered the sex talk I got from my wife's family doctor when we went to get our blood tests before we got married.

We had been warned of this ridiculous sex talk from some of my wife's cousins and honestly, I thought they were exaggerating. But they weren't because it was as ridiculous as they said it would be.

Here are two parts that I remember. I just stared at a chart on the wall and tried with everything in me not to laugh as the 80 year old doctor said:

"Now Jim, there might be times when...when you're feeling a bit amorous. And you might come in the house from working on the car and you might feel the desire to just GRAB at your wife. You really shouldn't do that way. It's best to clean yourself up and start things slow. That's the best way."

"And you really should just stay away from anal sex. It's just dirty."

I swear this is true.

Real Sex Talk From My Dad - I'm Not Pulling Your Leg On This One

I'm always brushing up on my sexual technique and knowledge. Whether it be reading the latest journal articles on positions and trends, trying new stretches to keep myself limber or catching up on the new costumes that the kids are wearing these days. A Warren G. Harding outfit? You're kidding me.

Well it got me thinking about the real life sex talk that I got in about 5th or 6th grade from my Dad. He was obviously put up to it by my mom. I swear this happened.

(My Dad comes into my bedroom and shuts the door)

Dad: Son, I need to talk to you about something.

Me: What?

Dad: Put the your cards away.

Me: They're not cards. They're Wacky Packages.

Dad: ....Just put them away for now. Do you know anything about sex?

Me: (looking at shoe) Yeah.

Dad: (pulling collar) Are there any parts that you have questions on.

Me: ...No....uh. Not really.

Dad: You see son...um....every 24 - 28 days or so a woman menstruates. And.....Well...

Me: (still looking at shoe but the topic of menstruation makes me look at the other shoe)

Dad: ...Well, when someone like your mother or...or your sisters ....or anyone really...is menstruating - having a period that is....they're...well they're very sensitive. In the lower abdomen region.

Me: Uh huh.

Dad: ...So.....basically...what I'm saying here is you don't want to uh....be rough housing with a woman and under no circumstances should you ever punch a woman in the stomach....that's uh....that's about it I guess for now.

Me: OK.