Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
In three days I already have over 200 followers. Sweet. I'm trying to only tweet once or twice a day with my "A" material. Here's the feed so far:
They say you can't throw a stick around priests w/out hitting a gay. So I throw a stick and I hit Father Brennan right in the nuts. Irony.
So I'm sorting through the collection basket booty and I found..ready for this?... a hermit crab & a tooth! WTF!
My vampire fighting class starts in 15 minutes. Love the class but the instructor is a SUCH a know-it-all dick!
BOY:What's Leviticus? ME:It was an ancient tool for cutting off the nuts of sinners. BOY Really? ME:Naaa I'm just fuckin' with ya.
Sometimes in the confessional box I'll say, "You did what?! I don't believe you. Bring pictures to prove it". Some of them actually do.
So today at the exorcism the dumbass holding down the kids' legs turns and says, "Wow. This is just like The Exorcist" I.SHIT.YOU.NOT.
I've got to hand it to our parish though. After we perform an exorcism we give them a "The Devil Made Me Do It" T-shirt. No charge!
I have to perform a God damn exorcism today. I'm gonna throw in the line "ooga booga" and see if anyone notices.
Sister Mary Catherine - Chhhh Uhhhh! ..Damn it you got it goin' on! I mean...God Bless.
Just got a call requesting that I bless a parakeet. I'm not making this up. I told them a 5th of scotch was usual payment. They bought it.
Note to self: Suggest replacing the communion bells with a blow horn.
Time to make the communion wafers.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
So here are a few recent Tweets that I wrote for Twitter. Man. This blogging is getting easier and easier. All I had to do was cut and paste the info from Twitter to here.
I might have some of my best tweets embroidered onto pillows. Just so it's not too gay I'll man things up by filling the pillows with rocks
I cringe when I hear people telling fat girls"You have such a pretty face". I prefer "You're like a fire plug with a cute little cap"
if i ever get an ostrich w rabies I'll call him pecky. then when he attacks people I'll be like..i warned you
I wish I had a friend that looked like a mini ape AND had a sense of humor so I when I saw people I could say, "Hey. Look at my mini ape!"
You may find the question, "How about I make your face look like a glazed donut?" funny but your wife will just shake her head.
wonders if a movie about a woman who blogs about trying every house cleaning technique from a cleaning book would inspire wives 2 clean
rap title: if i look down and don't see a legion I'll be touchin your nether region.
wow. when i sing in that Jim nabors style i sound pretty good.
I'm gonna name my next dog help. how great will it be when I'm calling him and everyone thinks I'm in danger?
Monday, August 24, 2009
So after the funeral Saturday we're back at my cousin's house. About 15 of us are sitting on their deck. One of my cousins had two friends there. Both were very attractive. They were in their early thirties.
So we're all talking and laughing when out of the blue, my Dad says, (in the way one would say "I need the attention of everyone because what I'm about to say is very important")..he says:
My Dad: Do you know who you look like?
(I'm already starting to cringe)
My Dad: You look like Ellen DeGeneris.
As she's saying, "What?" Everyone is screaming, "No! are you crazy? Ellen DeGeneris?"
My Dad: Has anyone ever seen that show? Look at her..she looks just like her.
He's clueless that telling a woman that she looks like Ellen DeGeneris is an insult. Then throughout the day he's say, "Ellen Degeneris. I'm sticking to it". He couldn't just drop it.
So at what point do you take your dad aside and tell him to keep his mouth shut? And to top it off, he gets everything wrong so he was probably talking about someone else anyway but I just picture the girl looking in the mirror for the next few weeks and examining her face.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I just saw Quintin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds and it was great! If you're a Tarantino fan you'll love it. No time to write a review so that's about it. Check it out.
And great use of the Bowie song Cat People (Putting Out The Fire) in the movie. I couldn't find a good version on Youtube so here's a GREAT live version of Heroes:
Friday, August 21, 2009
I've posted a few other Brad Neely cartoons here in the past. This is the type of thing that just makes me laugh out loud.
It's the Professor Brothers. Make sure to watch it to the end because there's a great surprise.
And my favorite line is when he said he found the "cherriest shoes".
Thursday, August 20, 2009
So here's the weird dream I had last night.
I was at a roller skating rink that was located inside of a private amusement park. They only let people who are great roller skaters onto the rink but other people were allowed to watch us.
My Nana was there - who died years ago but just about when I was going to say something to her my older sister says, "Oh my God. Your tie is tied so tight it's making your head look like a light bulb!" *
A light bulb?
I was like, "What do you mean it looks like a light bulb? What does that even mean?"
Then I asked my younger sister if my head looked like a light bulb and she said, "It actually does."
Meanwhile, my Nana was trying to get my attention. Just when I was about to say something to her I heard screams. It turns out that as people that had died were showing up at the roller rink, other people in the area were dropping dead. I guess to even things out. Who know?
And just as everyone was focused on all this craziness, someone says, "Look, Jerry Seinfeld and his family are at the park. But don't say anything to them, they want their privacy".
What does this dream mean? Does it mean....does it mean I'm gay?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
I wonder if any kid in the 70's ever saw this ad for Count Dante's Black Dragon Fighting Society and ordered it. And while he waited for the booklet to arrive, he started getting cockier and cockier.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
National Lampoon's 1964 High School Yearbook - This is a classic. It looks like a yearbook but it's all made up. If you're a fan of Animal House, you can see some of the references as it was written by Doug Kenney. Go get this from the library now.
Kick Me - Advertures in Adolescence - This book was written by Paul Feig - the creator of Freaks and Geeks. It's a collection of stories from when he was in elementary school and junior high in the 70's. Hilarious. (Note there are no pictures in this book so you actually have to read)
Friday, August 14, 2009
I used to fly all the time. I always got stuck next to dudes or old ladies it seemed.
There was one time though that I got seated next to this hot chick. I was talking to her for a while and it turns out that the rowing competition she was going to wasn't for a college. She was in some private school on the Main Line. Private HIGH SCHOOL.
And to top it off, her coach was sitting right next to her. Shouldn't these young girls be required to wear stickers on their shirts that reveal their age?
Here's something that I could totally see getting busted for on a plane:
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
You've got to check out the threads that these cats are wearing on Soul Train:
One of my early posts (June 29, 2007) was a clip from Soul Train where I made nicknames for each dancer. The video was pulled from YouTube after a week. I was pissed. Here's the original post. I think it's still kind of funny without the video but some of the names might not make sense. What do you think?:
It was 1974. The dancers were dressed allllll funky and what not. They was doin' their thang. But WHO were those dancers? What were their names. I think we can all agree that it was racism. THAT BLUE YAK will now give these young dancers their proper credit by naming them.
They will now not only have a face but they will have a name. Names that they should where with pride - not figuratively, but literally, on large, bedazzled, name tag buttons. These name tags should be worn at ALL TIMES. Now, enjoy getting down with these brothers as they do their stuff , followed by their new names and a fun game.
THIS IS WHERE THE VIDEO WENT
Now to have some fun. Gather your friends and yell out the names of the dancers as they do their thing. Pretend you know them and you're all friends. Make up stories about the dancing adventures you've all had together.
Did you perhaps solve crimes with your new dancing friends? Maybe you did.
Were you all asked by the Mayor of your town to pitch in and help with the fight against litter? And then just when you thought you lost the battle you guys got the whole town dancing and then everyone learned a lesson about litter? And themselves? I don't know. The only limit to your adventures is your imagination.
We now give you their new non-slave names:
- Slipper Band Man
- Sir Frogalicious
- Bandana the Tank
- Backstroke Afromatic
- Bus Token Scooper Slim
- The Rich Little of Raj Thomas
- Blue Trouser Howser
- Candy Cane Calf Carl
- The Admiral of Cool
- Denim Da Hip
- (WARNING: This is some white dude disguised as a black dude. He has not earned a name)
- Bell Bottom Swell Bottom
- Tyron "Dease coals is hot but dis lady be fine) Lincoln
- Sidewalkin' Ice Guy
- Sir Twirls a Lot
- Goat Leg the Inner City Centaur
- The Butt
- Bizniss Man Tight
- Jiu-Jitzu Jammin' Jim (aka Robo-martial-artso)
- Gymnastic the Bombastic Flim Flam Lover Man
- Brother Soul Sam the Anti-Man
Repeat and Enjoy.
WARNING: Do not repeat more than three times. Do not go into "bad areas" of the city trying to make new "real" friends.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Some things that I've collected or currently collect:
loves seeing kids w braces that can't shut their mouths. wish i had a remote control fly
I need to find a grim reaper outfit that isn't so hot. Whenever I put it on to scare old people in heat waves, I just get all sweaty
Psst guard,I know it's almost lunch but I had my heart set on Eggs Benedict. Would you mind telling the chef to keep the Bearnaise warm? (THIS IS FROM WHEN I WAS IN JAIL LAST WEEK)
Someones writing on the jail wall. There's no WAY I'm going to take the wrap for this. (GUARD! GUARD! - this guy's writing on the wall) (THIS IS FROM WHEN I WAS IN JAIL LAST WEEK)
Tip 4 super heroes:When too tired for proper landing (after burrito meal) - simply hold the back of your cape and use as parachute
nickelback sounds like the crappy band you see when sitcom characters go to a bar
just tried to do an imitation of Christopher walken and remembered that i can do the dad from alf
what about those people that brag about their bingo skills? never met one but i bet they're out there
If I were a vet I'd have "the convenient guinea pig drop off slot". Do you know where the slot would lead? Yup.To a trash can.
Can't believe Ruth Buzzi + Linda Carter both born today. Do you think there's any way they could be twins? (looks at pic again). Nevermind.
I'm challenging myself to sneak up on some old people today and break into my Axel Rose dance
you know why people never ask if anyone has any cute stories about their cats? because nobody gives a shit. remember this.
had a dream last night that i woke up and was growing the start of a rooster tail.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Just watched the Dateline NBC story on the anniversary of Woodstock. Here's one of my favorite songs from Woodstock... Canned Heat doing Going Up the Country. It's the song that just defines the event for me. If I were the flute player I would have totally ruined the performance because I'd would have been totally hamming it up. Running around the stage with the flute and all.
I wasn't in the band though because I was only a wee, wee child at the time and I didn't play flute.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I know the Verdant Dude just posted this video on his blog a few weeks ago but I was listening to David Byrne while running and wanted to see this video.
It's the Talking Heads Life During Wartime. How cool is this performance? He's so weird it's great. I love his dance moves at the beginning.
Friday, August 7, 2009
So just like my blog followers, I have Twitter followers that want to meet me in person now.
You can't blame them. Can you?
It's pretty touching I must say.
The fortunate thing for them is that they're local so they might meet me.
If they do, I may demand that this song by Cheap Trick is played when I enter the bar. And if I show up and the lighting isn't perfect - I ain't comin'*.
*That's what she said.
So last night my wife was taking a walk around the block around 9. At about 10 she calls from Calhoun's house where we play darts on Thursdays sometimes. She saw the garage open so she walked in.
So she calls me to come up and I walk up there. I wasn't really in the mood because I wanted to get to bed early.
Well I'm glad I went because a few of us were throwing darts and my neighbor Bill walks in. He had been "at the Club". So he's good and liquored up. So he's leaning over trying to talk to my wife and when he stands up, he loses his balance and swirls around and falls into Calhoun's lawn mower - almost falling INTO the trashcan.
I swear it was one of the funniest things you ever saw. Of course I whip around and try to snap a picture while he's still on the ground but the lighting was terrible so it didn't turn out. Damn it!
Here's a teaser as to what it kind of looked like:
The other memorable thing was when Calhoun said he was wearing cartoon character underwear. So my wife and Bill's wife want to see it. So he pulls his pants down to show his underwear and then pulls part of his package out for a second.
Yeah. Classy bunch of characters. It was pretty funny though. Especially when he was getting pissed the rest of the night because the ladies said it was "chubby".
Thursday, August 6, 2009
RIP John Hughes. I wasn't a fan of The Breakfast Club - even though I've seen it a million times but I loved all your other movies.
And did you people know that he wrote the screenplay for National Lampoon Vacation? He sure did.
What was your favorite John Hughes moment?
Here's the trailer to The Breakfast Club:
And for a special treat, check out this Breakfast Club post on TBY from last year - click here.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Here's a video that will help you to plan a swell party.
And note some of the things to listen for:
- Steve wants to have a good time.
- Make sure there are campus big wigs there.
- Don't forget the weed.
- If you don't have pencil and paper there for activities...you're a dick.
- You can't go wrong with silly hats.
- Jimmy Crack Corn sung in a deep voice is ALWAYS a winner!
- Golden showers NEVER are appropriate for parties. Use your head! Think hygiene.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
It's so simple that it's retarded.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Pretend you're in a board room and I'm presenting. Here we go:
Ladies and Gentlemen, as you know, the Christians are a gullible bunch. They do love that ridiculous "Footprints in the Sand" poem don't they? Don't they?
(looks at guy looking out the window throws a donut at him)
Tubby I need your full attention!
(The group gets nervous and gives me their full, well deserved attention)
Now - there are a lot of Footprints in the Sand products out there but they're all collectible junk. Sculptures, t-shirts, necklaces and massagers.
But there isn't this.
(I then slowly - olde style pulley style - pull up the white veil that reveals my creation. The creaky pulley sound adds to the drama)
My friends... I give you THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND REAL LIFE FOOTPRINT KIT.
Now let me explain what it is (paces room). As you know from the poem, there are four footprints in the sand then there are two. Well this contraption that attached to the shins of the wearer actually leaves four footprints in the sand. Then, after you've got Jesus followers following you, you pull up the two feet and then there are only two! The extra two feet compactly hide themselves into a backback that you're wearing.
(wait for applause and attacks from believers).
Sunday, August 2, 2009
To finish out my unintentional few days of featuring black people on TBY, here's what I found when I just typed "worst commercial" into the YouTube.
What caught my eye? You guessed it. Black people.
It's some black ladies dancing to a commercial for Montgomery Mini Mall.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
What the fuck is this???
Whatever it is, I'm sure it's gonna piss off some black people. But I bet if you try to say the lines out loud you'll crack your ass up.
Go ahead - try it. Or better yet, leave your impression on my snapvine recorder located on my sidebar.