Global Warming Minus Less Snow Equals Less People Falling.

The one downside of global warming - if it's even true - is that there's less snow. And less snow mean me seeing less people slip and fall. And that makes my heart sad.

Here are three falls that have happened to me.

Age 4 - I was sleeping at my Nana's house and she said that my feet were dirty so I needed to roll up my pajama pants and rinse my feet off before bed. When I was in the tub I decided that I wanted to try and surf on the soap. Just in case you want to try, it's pretty much impossible. Ahhhhhh!

Age 23 - Leaving a Halloween party with my date (I was dressed as a woman), we run into some people I know that were coming into the party. I started hamming it up by doing a really white trash dance, pulling up my skirt and doing the old hands pulling up the hair move. I must have slipped on the high heel and my knee popped out of its' socket and I fell backwards, breaking a wooded fence and a $300 camera I had borrowed from my date's bother. WHOOOOOAAAA!

Last year - My daughter left the conditioner bottle open in the tub so while I was taking a shower, the dangerous, slippery fluid was seeping out of the bottle. Like a carefree cowboy unaware that a rattlesnake is at his ankles, I turn off the shower and reach for by towel. Still whistling my tune.....YAAAHHHHH-NOOOO!

I fall halfway out of the tub. When the fall was over my legs were in the tub, the top of my body was on the outside of the tub. I had a black and blue mark the size of a Frisbee.

(Trumpet with plunger over it) WA WA WA.

Care to share any spills you clumsy asses took?

Worst Fake Fall Ever Captured on Film. Youtube Gold.

So the other day I gave you the worst dancing in a video ever. Then I treated you to the worst fight in a TV show ever....

I now give you the worst fake fall ever. Hands down. Biggest phony baloney fall ever caught on film. Watch closely as the black lady walks by the old white lady and taps her on the back of the head.



And you know the people that know the lady that fell were like, "Oh Mable! Get the hell up! Don't even try it. She does that at least once a month you know."

And if you really want to laugh, click on the link and look at the comments that the racist viewers on Youtube left. To read them, click here.

Ear Nose And Throat Doctor. What The Hell Is That Picture?

So I had to bring my son to the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor yesterday because he's been getting nose bleeds. The doctor had to cauterize his nose which means he had to break the blood vessel a few times. In case you're wondering, I was very brave during the whole procedure. I found that if I didn't look it made it easier.

So the nurse brings us into the examination room for the 25 minutes wait. And sitting on the table is this horrifying picture*:

If I was an Ear, Nose and Throat nurse and a patient was being a dick, when I brought the person to the room I would say,

"Oh - don't be startled by that picture, it's extremely rare that you're going to end up looking like that. Only 1% - 2% end up looking like that. OK between you me it's more like 5% -10% depending on the doctor's mood. But that's still low. Don't you think?"

*If a nurse walks in while you're snapping a picture in an examination room, immediately put your hands up and say, "Not stealing anything." If you don't, they might think you were trying to steal some of the instruments.

Worst Fight Scene, Kirk, Star Trek

So the other day I showed you the worst dancing in a music video ever. Now I'll show you the worst fight scene in a TV show. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you - Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek.

And I can't for the life of me remember the name of the monster he's fighting here. All I know is that when I was in Vegas a while ago this monster was there in one of the hotels. I think it was Harrahs. There's a nerdfest Trek restaurant there.

Cojo? Get The Hell Off Of My TV! Stupid Fashion Jerk!

Oh really Cojo? You think that a few accoutrements make any woman's outfit come to life in a snap? You're the authority on clothes? Then why are you wearing clothes that only a chick would wear?

(Me pushing him down steps) Who gives a crap you pumpkin faced girl! And what man has sculpted eyebrows like that? (Shoves mirror in his face) Look at yourself! Did I give you permission to speak? Shut up! If I see your stupid faux cheerful act on my TV one more time I swear to God I'm coming after you with an ax!

That is all.

"I Almost Crapped My Pants" - A True Story.

So I've seen a few stories about people crapping their pants on various blogs lately and to show that I'm as human as the next guy, I will share this story. Below is the story if I had written it in a diary on a train.

Dear Diary,

The meeting in New York at Avon went great today. My product presentation went as planned and Marketing did a great job as well. They even had me go through a soon to be released catalog and asked me to brainstorm ideas for some line extensions. They were impressed.

Yeah. Perfect until IT happened. We left the meeting and went to lunch. And as we're walking back to Penn Station...this is embarrassing but I had the sudden feeling like I was going to shit my pants! What Diary? No you can't just "go into a building and go to the bathroom in New York you hay seed".

All of the buildings have security, plus we were late for the train and I didn't know that new chick from Marketing well enough to tell her that I need to get to a bathroom because I'm going to shit my pants.

Trust me, the situation went from bad to code red. I was thinking about lies that I could say,

"A friend of mine works here. I'm just going to catch the next train to Philly. Yeah I know we all drove from the office to the train station. It's OK. I'll just walk the 45 miles home from Philly."

I swear I found religion that day because I was praying to whoever would listen that if they got me through this, I'd be a better person. I had to. There would have been no hiding it. I was about to explode. I was thinking that if it happened, I would say that I have cancer. What? People with cancer don't lose control? I don't know! Did I tell you that it was a code red? And I couldn't think straight?

So as we're walking, I'm trying to look for any building that I could duck into. I'm saying, "Please, please, please don't let this happen! PLEASE!" And I'm starting to sweat. I hardly ever sweat!

Anyways, it was a miracle because somehow, someway, things subsided. The bubbling stopped. I'm now sitting on the train. Safe. And will now have a greater respect for life. And I will try to be a better person and...HEY...look at that bum with the Mr T shirt!...Bwahahahahahhaa.

Coatesville Fires, Arson and The Bloodhound Gang.

What motivates someone to be an arsonist? The big story here in the Philly suburbs is the string of fires that have been set in Coatesville since January 1. There have been 17 fires. 17! Nobody has been hurt thankfully.

Don't worry, I'm about 10 miles from Coatesville and I rarely go there because its pretty dumpy. The downtown that is.

Last week the Guardian Angels arrived in an attempt to help and Coatesville has just declared a State of Emergency. Unbelievable. I hope they catch the dopes that are setting these fires. My guess is that the Coatesville fires are being set by gangs. Gangs in Chester County. Ridiculous.

And I mean no disrespect but everyday when I pick up the paper and read about the arson, "Fire Water Burn" AKA "The Roof is on Fire" song by The Bloodhound Gang goes through my head. So here it is.

Tell me this isn't a catchy song. Go ahead. I dare you.

It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin. An Exclusive Glimpse Into My Bedroom.

I like to show my lady that I still think she's sexy by giving her as little privacy as possible when she's nude. You know, so I can leer at it and make comments about how sexy it is and the things I want to do to it. Like when she's in the shower for instance, I'll sometimes open the curtain quickly and say, "A-HA!" or "What's going on in here?"

Or this morning.

Wife comes in bedroom after shower, puts on panties then starts putting lotion all over her supple, Italian body. I wait in the semi darkness with one eye creepily peering out from under the covers.

Me: (In deep voice) And then the lotion show began.

Wife: What? You want me to have soft skin don't you?

Me: Do you need some help applying the lotion on the upper areas. Right there. On those things.

Wife: Will you stop?

Me: Stop (pause)...or go?

Smooth operator.

The Whitest People In The World Dancing. The Video.

I hope you're prepared because you won't believe your eyes with what you're about to witness. Here is a video I found on the Youtube with possibly the worst dancers I've ever seen in my life. If bad dancing were art, this might just be the Sistine Chapel.

It's some Swedish pop group but what you should be looking at are the dancers. Be sure to watch this one until the end to see some of their horrendous mighty white people dance moves. You won't believe your eyes.

Can you do some of those dance moves? Go ahead. Get up from your computer and give it a try. Don't forget to stretch first. And make sure nobody is looking.





By the way, the song's called, "I Want To Love You Tender".

Listen To This Voice Mail - The Sistas On My Snapvine.

Do you want to HEAR something funny? You heard me right. You must listen to my Snapvine recorder now. The message is from Sista #1 and Sista #2 from the blog Holy Crappers. #1 lives in the burbs of Philly and #2 lives in sunny, sunny Florida.

They left me the voice message that you can hear on my Snapvine Recorder (see my sidebar) and I've got to tell you that I sat with a shit grin on my face while I listened to it a few times. Hysterical! It's ego stroking goodness made my day.

I think it's great that they had the courage to leave me - Dr Zibbs - a message. You see, I'm a person just like you. I put my pants on the same way. One leg at a time. Unless I'm doing my imitation of that Brook Shields jean commercial. In that case, I'm on my back and I put both legs in at the same time. But you know what I'm saying.

The Sistas have been around since my early blogging days - June 2008. Before that, there were very few readers. Anyways, check out their message AND their blog. And why don't YOU consider leaving me a voicemail message.

Blogger Calls On Locals For Name Of Dr Exton. PA That Is.

For those not familiar with Exton, Pa, It's a few miles West of West Chester. And damn it, I'm in Exton all time. Especially at Exton at Main Street. I go to the Exton Barnes and Nobles, I eat the hot pastrami sandwich at Appetites on Main and I've even been known to sit in my car and laugh at the freaks that shop at the Exton Walmart.

That's why I'm asking West Chester, Exton, Fraser and Downingtown residents to insist that I be called Dr Exton. I'm even thinking about using the little ice house shown in this picture above as my headquarters. Except unlike Harold "Mr Exton" Martin that just has a boring rock to his name, I'll make sure my Dr Exton Icehouse always has at least two dwarves on duty*.

I will hand pick and personally train these dwarfs to tell the many tales of me "Dr Exton - AKA Dr Zibbs" and the many adventures I've had in Exton. Just my stories of the Exton Drive-In alone can fill a day. And some of the stories get a little bit blue - if you know what I mean.

Thanks for you support.

*Go ahead, click on the picture to enlarge it and pretend that you've just taken a bus from Tennessee to visit the Dr Exton Icehouse. As an excercise, write out some of the things you've learned and which dwarf you liked better. Was it Ernie? Or was it Mike?

You've Got To Read This Post

So I gave Vic a shout out the other week and just recently started reading her blog but this post made me almost fall off my chair. She's got some funny stuff over there.

She really has a great style of writing. They call that the "voice" for you dummies.

Super Bowl, Dr Pepper and Youtube Soda Commercial.

So here's another commercial that won't be on during the Steelers Cardinals Super Bowl today - one of the old Dr Pepper commercials with David Naughton.

I used to break into the Dr Pepper dance all the time to annoy people. Haven't done it in years. I think I need to put that back into my arsenal.

I wonder if they'll ever do a remake and call me to star in it? I'll do it in a second but my moves would be a little less gay and there's no way I'd have Popeye popping up at the end.

What's that about?

Super Bowl Commercials? How About Carvel's Cookie O Puss?

It looks like advertising spending will be down this year for the Super Bowl due to the economy. I'm sure it's a one in a billion chance but maybe, just maybe we'll see a really, really low budget commercial like this Carvel commercial for Cookie O Puss from 1982.

What? A guy can dream can't he?

West Chester JobCircle Car Cracks Up Blogger Everytime.

Look at this miniature car that I see all the time in West Chester on Church Street. I mean - do you see how small that car is? I think it's called the Smart Car but I call it the Teensy Weensy.

Whenever I see these cars on the road as I travel around Chester County and the surrounding counties I always laugh and say to myself, "Please let there be a big fat guy in there, please let there be a big fat guy in there." And I speed up to catch a glimpse.

Kind of like on the episode of The Simpsons where Nelson is laughing at the small car and a tall dude gets out and chases him.

".....You think it's funny that I'm in this car? It's the largest automobile I can afford."

Yeah. It's kind of like that.

Chester County Deer Whisperer Wannabe Keeps Dreaming.

Here's a picture I took near my West Whiteland, PA neighborhood of a herd of deer a few weeks ago. Everytime I see some deer, I try to softly approach them to see how close I can get. You know, how Injuns do in the movies.

But I can never get really close. I honestly think that the way that I creep up, I'm going to be kind of like the Dog Whisperer but with deer. Then the deer are going to circle around me and we'll become friends. I might even get on the back of the leader - Staggs McCoy - and he'll take me for a ride.

"Hey Dr Zibbs. Can you teach me to train deer?"

"I can't teach one to train deer my friend. It's all in here." (points to heart then rides Stags McCoy away - jumping over a fence and disappearing from view).

It never happens though. They just run. Stupid deer.

Maybe I'll just chuck a rock at them next time.

40 Years Ago, The Beatles, Wet Dreams, The Roof.

As tribute to what happened 40 years ago today when The Beatles played on top of the Apple Building on Saville Row and to the post I wrote yesterday about my Beatles dream I give you "I've Got A Feeling".

I'm also announcing that I'm the 6th Beatle. What? Everyone fights over the 5th Beatle spot -I'm claiming the 6th Beatle spot. I bet you wish you thought of it but it's too late.

So "I've Got A Feeling" is today's Friday send off song and I'm giving a shout out to these bloggers:

- Tenakim from the blog My Therapy

- Katie from Stray Raisins who mentioned me in her blog this week. See how that works?

- Sarah from Sarah's Blogtastic Adverntures - she's been leaving lots of comments on TBY.

Highway Shrines - The Second Worst Part About Car Crashes

Not to be a snob but why does every highway shrine where someone dies in a car crash need to be tacky?

I'd like to have at least three people step forward - that have taste - to volunteer to be shrine keepers in case - God forbid - I die in a terrible, fiery car crash. Here are some tips for what I was thinking:

- No plastic, no stuffed animals, and no cardboard allowed around the shrine.

- I don't want anything wrapped in tinfoil.

- When making signs, lightly write out the message before painting it so you don't run out of space on the right and you have to squoose the letters together to make them all fit.

- Two large eyes should be cast of bronze and fitted with blown glass. The eyes should be placed at the top of the shrine. There should be a sign at the bottom of the shrine stating, "DO NOT STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE EYES!" The font used for this warning should look like flames, pitchforks or something devily.

- Do not use a tree or telephone as the centerpiece. A freestanding tripod made of iron with a nice verdigis patina would be nice. This would give mourners access from all sides and allow for tasteful lights to be strung and seen from all vantage points during holidays and anniversaries of days I wrote one of my classic posts. Will this mean it's lit everyday? This will be for historians to decide.

- If funding starts to get low for the upkeep of the shrine, I will consider corporate naming rights for the shrine but pick something you know I'd endorse. Aflack TBY Shrine? NO. Reese's TBY Shrine? YES.

- The shrine should be constructed in a way that a "traveling duplicate" can be be made. After one month of my death, the traveling duplicate can make a tour of the U.S. The name of this venture should be, "The THAT BLUE YAK shrine - Time To Heal."

That's all I've come up with so far. I'm open to additional suggestions.

Funny and Not Funny - Comedians and TV Characters.

So here's my list of people that I can watch for an hour and not crack a smile, followed by people that crack me up with almost everything they say. Note some of the people listed are the characters that they've played.

This is probably part one as these are people off the top of my head.

Not Funny

Robin Williams

Whoopie

Billy Crystal

John Stewart

Johnny Carson

Bob Sagat

Ben Stiller (unless he's doing impressions)

Shemp Howard (3 Stooges)

Steve Martin (used to be funny)

Jeff Foxworthy

Bob Hope

Yakov Smirnoff

George Burns

Kathy Griffin

Rita Rudner

Funny

Stephen Colbert

Don Rickles

Ricky Gervais

Jack Black

Conan O'Brien

Dr Zibbs

Ralph Kramden

Ed Norton

The Schmenge Brothers (John Candy and Eugene Levy from SCTV)

Larry David

Larry Fine (3 Stooges)

Phil Silvers

Archie Bunker

Groucho Marx

Lisa Lampanelli

Sid Caesar

Another Dream: The Beatles, Clapton and Springsteen.

So here's a dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I was asked to drive The Beatles, Clapton and Bruce Springsteen to a concert on a bus. It was weird because the Beatles were the 1965 Beatles but Clapton and Springsteen were the modern day guys.

A friend was with me and we had to pull into a gas station to get gas. The Beatles were being really cool to us but they didn't want a mob scene so we were asked to "keep cool". One of them asked if we could put some of their equipment in trunk.

We were dying for someone to see who we had in the bus so as a lady was walking out of the convenience store part of the gas station I said really loudly,

"OK, Let's just put these guitars that we have from The Beatles in the trunk..guitars from the rock group - The Beatles - going into the trunk now....."

The lady came over and looked in. Paul came out and started making small talk. He then asked if I had taken acid. I said no and he pulled out a colorful post-it note that had a rip taken out of it. I told him that the rip was from where I tore it because I had to write a telephone number down and I needed a piece of paper. Which was true.

Paul said, "Oh it's just a post-it note? I thought it was a sheet of acid. Oh that's cool. I was just wondering if you were tripping."

Sorry, no funny punchline - just another real dream I had. They also jammed at one point and were playing a Herman's Hermits song but I forget which one. And Clapton was playing the drums. I swear.

Really Stupid Kid Asks Question About Pubic Lice

So when I saw my friend "The Child" over Christmas I made him tell me one of my favorite stories about being a middle school teacher. And it goes something like this:

The Child: Some of my students are so fucking stupid you wouldn't even believe it. So we have someone from the board of health in and she's talking about pubic crabs. And she has a picture of it on the overhead projector.

Me: Uh huh ...

The Child: ..and remember now, the screen is about five feet by five feet. So the lady is talking about the how you get crabs and all and my dumbest student raises her hand...ooooh....oooooh!

Me: Uh huh...

The Child:...And do you know what her question is?

Me: What?

The Child: IS THAT ACTUAL SIZE?

I swear I love that story more every time I hear it. The visual of someone having crabs - a crab - the size of a Saint Bernard is the funniest thing in the world to me. Is there a way to hide that you have a crab? Do you have to wear super large pants to hide it or is it easier to just cover it with a huge garbage bag or bed sheet?

(Hitting imaginary kid on the side of the head) Stupid!

Something Is Seriously Wrong With These Bathing Beauty Dancers

First of all, I saw this video on a blog that I follow called The List of the Day. Cary has whopping 337 followers. Damn!

OK. So rarely would I laugh at nice looking women dancing in bathing suits but..... This is Brook Benton singing Mother Nature - Father of Time and you've got to see it to believe it. If you've ever, ever seen someone that can't dance TO the music, this one will top it.

The super star in this video is the blond. Man does she look ridiculous.

How To Decline A High Five? This Is A Question.

So the other week I was in Kildare's Irish Pub in West Chester and there was a derelict sitting at the bar. He would say something to every staff member or patron that walked by. He even caught a glimpse of me - seven bar stools down yelled, "What's up man?"

And worst of all, he'd have to high five every other person.

Unless I know the person AND something really great just happened like a touchdown or an old person slipped ice, I don't like to high five people. Is there anyway to decline a high five other than looking at their raised hand and saying,

"No thanks. I'm uh....just not as excited as you are now. Just...um...move onto the next person."

I think from now on when people try to high five me, I'm going to do the old, "Got your nose thing that you do with kids. And when they're standing there saying, "C'mon! High five man!", I'm going to calmly say, "I'm afraid I can't do that because I've got you nose."

It'll make no sense but it'll make me feel better.

Farting and Why I'm Such a Great Friend. The Elevator Story.

So Michelle wrote about farting in elevators today and it reminded me of something that happened years ago in Baltimore.

So we're staying at Inner Harbor with about 10 guys for our annual guys weekend. And my friend Flare had been farting* really bad. I'm talking clear the room, what crawled up you ass and died farting.

So the 10 of us are waiting for the elevator. He had just farted in the room - again - and we're still laughing about it. So the elevator door opens and it's almost completely full. Flare steps in and there's only room for one. The doors start to close. As the doors are almost shut and I point to Flare and say to the people in the elevator, "HE FARTED."

This made me laugh so hard because when the doors are shut, you can't turn around to the strangers in the elevator and say, "You see that's a buddy of mine, we're on a guy's weekend and we're just joking around here and........"

No. You just have to stand there like a dope and take the humiliation.

*For the record, this is the first post I've ever done about farting and I've been blogging over two years.

I Know Someone That Looks Like The Twilight Chick Kristen Stewart.

So I was on a blog today and the blogger (a regular commenter) had a picture up that totally looks like the vampire chick from the movie Twilight. So I didn't want to just copy and paste the picture here without asking so I did ask her and she said no.

But since the internet is up for everyone to see I am going to show you the link to her. So here's Kristen Stewart from the movie Twilight............

And here's Greta from the blog Noodle-ing. To see the lookalike, click here and scroll down to the second picture. Uncanny! And I think that the Kristen Stewart chick is actually the poor man's Greta as opposed to the other way around which is usually how I find my lookalikes.

Statue of Liberty! You've Got Some Chocolate Right Here. No Here.

So here's another really weird dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I had to come up with an advertising campaign for a donut chain. It was some donut chain from New York that I've never heard of. So my idea was to have someone secretly fly a helicopter to the Statue of Liberty at night and paint the lips and around the lips with brown paint so it looked like she had been eating chocolate donuts. But really make it sloppy - like if you handed a candy bar to a mental patient and said, "Here's your lipstick. Put it on."

So you've got The Statue of Liberty looking like she ate chocolate then the idea was to have a 40 foot replica of the donut box sitting next to The Statue of Liberty's feet.

Then I realize that it's a stupid idea because it's illegal to mess with national monuments but the client said that since they'd use paint that would wash off in a month they were OK with it.

Then I started getting nervous.

Frito Bandito, Corn Chips, The 70's, Commercials and Corn Chips

Remember the Frito Bandito commercial? Don't lie fatty. You know the one for Frito's corn chips? Below you'll find the commercial from the 70's.

What made me think about this was the Frito Bandito eraser that that they used to give away with the Frito's corn chips. It just popped into my head the other day. I used to love that thing. It sucked for erasing but for having a Mexican on the end of your pencil it was #1.

And for the record, the BBQ Frito's are much better than the original flavor.

Breakfast Club, Johhny Bender and REALLY Bad Acting

It's pretty rare when you see a scene in a movie and not only is the dialogue terrible, but all of the actors in the scene are God awful. This is the case with this scene from The Breakfast Club. And talk about melodrama when Judd Nelson* freaks out at the end....what a friggin' baby.

Come to think about it, Michael Anthony Hall isn't that bad in this scene. Not great, but not bad.



*I also have a problem watching Judd Nelson because of his huge, cavernous nostrils.

Help! Chester County Dinner Club Needs Card Table Idea.

I need your help. We're hosting our dinner club tonight. There are 10 couples and my wife and I can't get our dining room table pulled out further to get the second leaf in. It won't extend anymore (that's what she said).

So we have a card table that we're putting at the very end. Classy. The problem is, I don't feel like sitting at the card table side like a peasant? I want to be in a prime big people spot so I can hold court and make sure all things revolve around me. I find that if I can dictate the pace and content of the conversations, it's a lot more fun for all.

So I need some quick ideas to narrow down who will get stuck at the card table side. I was thinking some kind of trivia. Any ideas?

As for dinner, I'm making this cheesy, garlic shrimp dish that will be served over pasta and some kind of chicken....and twice baked potatoes and some other stuff.

If you give me an idea that I can use, you won't be invited tonight but it will seem like you are there because I'll put your name on a piece of paper and place it on the table...... the card table.

Pac Man Fever - Video Game Song That Never Should Have Been Made.

Isn't it great when you hear a song and it brings back some great memories? Sometimes it's even a cheesy song. It doesn't matter. Then once in a while you hear a song and it just pisses you off because there was no need for it. Take for example the crappy song Pac-Man Fever by Buckner and Garcia. View the Youtube Video here.

So here's the really scary part. In addition to singing about Pac Man, these Buckner and Garcia characters also wrote songs about Donkey Kong, Footprints in the Sand and a song called, "E.T. I Love You". Huh?

I think I feel sick. If you want to learn more about these guys, here is their website.