Tuesday, January 27, 2009

How To Decline A High Five? This Is A Question.


So the other week I was in Kildare's Irish Pub in West Chester and there was a derelict sitting at the bar. He would say something to every staff member or patron that walked by. He even caught a glimpse of me - seven bar stools down yelled, "What's up man?"

And worst of all, he'd have to high five every other person.

Unless I know the person AND something really great just happened like a touchdown or an old person slipped ice, I don't like to high five people. Is there anyway to decline a high five other than looking at their raised hand and saying,

"No thanks. I'm uh....just not as excited as you are now. Just...um...move onto the next person."

I think from now on when people try to high five me, I'm going to do the old, "Got your nose thing that you do with kids. And when they're standing there saying, "C'mon! High five man!", I'm going to calmly say, "I'm afraid I can't do that because I've got you nose."

It'll make no sense but it'll make me feel better.

54 comments:

buffalodick said...

Easier to high five a drunk or a metally challenged person, than to take 5 minutes telling them why you won't and just confuse them..

Scope said...

I prefer to go with, "Hiel Hitler back to ya, damn Illinois Nazis" or whiff on the smack. When cursed with, "Don't leave me hangin', dude!" I use the "Hih? I'm not from around here. I'm Canadian."

Andy said...

Reminds me of How I Met Your Mother and Barney's high fives... he spent an entire episode waiting for someone to give him a high five- and no one died because of it. So I think you're free to reject a high five. Or maybe offer the less popular, redheaded stepchild, low-five instead.

Tova Darling said...

Claim to be sick! Just be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'd love to high five you, but I have an extremely contagious form of the flu, pink eye, and leprosy all rolled into one. My doctor said that skin-to-skin contact could cause a massive plague." As an added bonus, you'll probably find that you'll have plenty of elbow room the rest of the night.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Just do what I do when approached by charity muggers (those blokes who try to get you to give monthly donations to Greenpeace in the street). Put your hands inside your sleeves and apologetically say "I'm sorry, I don't have any hands" while holding up your arms.

Adriana said...

I had a personal trainer at my gym that was really into the high five thing. Not that I normally mind a high five but not when I am all sweaty...yuck. I used to give him a thumbs up instead and he was cool with that. Kind of lame but at least you don't have to touch anyone.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I think you should just blankly stare at him shake your head and walk away.

Or cough on your hand, sneeze, pick your nose, scratch your ass.

Queen Goob said...

Nah, just turn around and bend over like you want them to spank your ass instead of high fiving them.

Bombchell said...

Ha ha ha ha u so wrong.

keep your hands your pockets, and give the head nod, before his hands get fully raised

saratogajean said...

I don't even know why I'm telling you this because declining a high five is the height of un-coolness, but you could always put your hand out like you want a low five, but then pull your hand away at the last second.

"Too slow! Hahahaha!"

It works especially well with really drunk people.

B.E. Earl said...

You could always kick 'em in the shins instead. That will teach 'em!

Cowguy said...

Throw up. Works everytime.


Weird side note: I taught our two dogs to "shake and bake".

Freaky eh?

O.G. said...

When they go up for the high-five, punch them in the stomach. Then pretend you thought they were going for a fist-bump and you're so sorry to have punched them. Then give them a high five to add insult to injury.

Pearl said...

I'm an awkward high-fiver, given to slight misses and unsatisfying high-five-slap sounds. I absolutely adore the idea of the "got-yer-nose" bit, though, and I am definitely doing that next time someone tries to high-five me.
I'll let you know what happens.

SkylersDad said...

I like your got your nose idea. You could also pull the old SNL Mary Catherine Gallagher out of the hat. Stick your hands in your arm pits, pull then out and sniff deeply, then high five.

Sass said...

I am absolutely anti the high five in any circumstance.

My bartender bff tries to high five me because he knows how I hate it. Instead, I try to do the...what's it called...fist bumping thing.

Only I like to scream KNUCKLES before I do it. Then when I've had too much to drink, I'll ask him if we can do some fisting at the bar.

'Cause I'm lots of fun like that.

Dr Zibbs said...

Sass - you do "fisting" at the bar? Do you know what "fisting" is my dear?

Belle said...

I'm sorry. I was going to write something about high-fiving, but I came just after the fisting (no pun intended) and fisting is way more fun!
Usually when someone tries to fist me- I say;
Okay - but could you give me some time to prepare?

LYDIA said...

lol @ fisting.

So what I want to know is how the two boys in the picture got so much air? They must be on a trampoline.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I heard the ol'e "high five" is back! Everybody's doing it!

Happy Tuesday!

- Jennifer

Son of a Thomas said...

I am not a fan of the high five. I still prefer a good old fashioned "soul brother" hand shake.

When cornered by the unwanted high five, I counter with the "Dio".

Simply extend your index and "pinky" fingers on both hands, tuck the other 3 fingers behind the palm, then flex your arms in any position you choose while making a menacing face.

I find this usually ends the unwanted high five session.

Giggle Pixie said...

I think it's ok to decline. Especially from a drunk stranger. He isn't going to remember anyway. :-)

Sassy Britches said...

I think a good strangle-hold noogie would be in order. They'd cross to the other side of the street when they saw you coming from then on.

Gwen said...

Countering the high five with a wedgie will preclude any future high fives. An emotionless stare is my preferred anti-high five maneuver.

My ex-boyfriend used to get so mad at me for the way I high-fived. He said I didn't do it right. I didn't know there were rules to this stupid game. Douchebag.

giraffegirl524 said...

honestly, you really don't have to give an explaination. people don't need to get offended if you don't want to touch them, or be touched for that matter.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I just very deadpan and dryly say, "Not on your life, sport."

moooooog35 said...

Sass: How you doin'?

Back to the topic:

The best way to defuse an unwarranted high five situation is the ever-popular 'double purple nurple.'

Fucker won't want to raise his hand ever again knowing his nipples may be removed.

Jill said...

I don't think Sass knows what fisting is...I on the other hand did a quasi post about it regarding my dog. It's not nearly as bad as that sounds!

Michelle said...

I also like the fist bump!!! I feel its more personal than the normal high five being offered these days!!

When i finish a running race, you know when i don't have a broken toe, i like to fist bump everybody near me!! Of course, they are totally not interested but somehow i do it anyway!!!

Now a high give PLUS a fist bump, oh man!!! Such a rush!!!

Try it dude!!!

Then fart!!!

Love
Stalker

Candy's daily Dandy said...

My Uncle used to do the old "I've got your nose" thingie. Drove me nuts. Would certianly annoy me now.

Sounds like the perfect way to ward off errant high fivers.
That and a quick, "back off Jack".

Greta said...

I think the "I've got your nose." thingie is perfect. Make sure you do the little hand trick too.

raf said...

Well..you can say.."sorry, i just wank (or fist, as you like) myself and did not wash my hand.."Then you smell your hand and make a disgusted expression..
So, he will refuse to high five you..or he will stalk you all night..

Cora said...

Ha ha! Did you see Ryan Seacrest on American Idol trying to hi-five the blind man? CLASSIC!

diane said...

I like your solution the best. It makes you sound a little crazy, so, for sure, he'll leave you alone.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Knuckles is the new High Five, but fisting... that's something completely different.

J.J. in L.A. said...

You'd rather grab a drunk stranger's nose than high 5 him?

Ooo-kay.

Sass said...

Yes, you fools, I know what fisting is. Duh.

I mean...I love fisting. I do it all the time with people I meet.

Kind of like fingering, also known as holding hands.

You people are crazy. Fisting.

Bah.

Sass said...

okay, I can't really play this game.

I know what fisting is.

I've seen Chasing Amy.

That is my ONLY frame of reference. But I still like to yell it in the bar.

Chris said...

You, sir, are a genius!

katrocket said...

Punch the high-fiver in the face as hard as you can and then say "That's how we high-five in West Chester."

Cowguy said...

Best comment thread ever.

FISTING!!!!!

Sass said...

So...I'm now responsible for getting people to start thinking about the following.

Fisting...
Finger condoms...
Fingering...
Taints...
Shockers...

Do I have any intellectual worth???

And I think it's fascinating that my word verification says "quotabl"

Because apparently I am.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

haha at andy's comment - such a good episode.

i've literally said to someone, "um no thanks."

Susan said...

I think that man was my ex-husband high-fiving you... holy shit. I used to shrink in my seat when he would do that to people. WTF?????

Dr Zibbs said...

I leave you people alone for a few hours and this is what happens?

Belle said...

I just read the twilight-chick post and went over to see.
You were a bit stalkerish with her Doctor...
Could be worrying - what with the fisting and everything.

Jill said...

Sass...you are very cute!

Dr Zibbs said...

Sass, your new nickname is Fisty McGee.

WendyB said...

I'm surprised I didn't get high-fived in the McDonald's from hell.

BeckEye said...

I was going to mention the blind high-five on AI, but someone already beat me to it.

But that seems the best way to decline a high-five. Pretend you're blind and you didn't see it. Of course, then you might secure your place in hell, but you've done that anyway, so what's the difference at this point.

ÄsK AliCë said...

High-Fiving leads to fisting leads to fingering (or is the the other way around?)...

Wow this thread is ridiculous.

Cora said...

Sass, you're the cutest thing ever, my dear!! :-)

Paula aka. Zani said...

*falls over giggling imagining the look on the person's face when you tell them you have their nose*

Classic.. truly. I love it. =]

Kat said...

You could go with the total miss high five and just whack them in the face...just sayin'