Friday, January 30, 2009

Highway Shrines - The Second Worst Part About Car Crashes



Not to be a snob but why does every highway shrine where someone dies in a car crash need to be tacky?

I'd like to have at least three people step forward - that have taste - to volunteer to be shrine keepers in case - God forbid - I die in a terrible, fiery car crash. Here are some tips for what I was thinking:

- No plastic, no stuffed animals, and no cardboard allowed around the shrine.

- I don't want anything wrapped in tinfoil.

- When making signs, lightly write out the message before painting it so you don't run out of space on the right and you have to squoose the letters together to make them all fit.

- Two large eyes should be cast of bronze and fitted with blown glass. The eyes should be placed at the top of the shrine. There should be a sign at the bottom of the shrine stating, "DO NOT STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE EYES!" The font used for this warning should look like flames, pitchforks or something devily.

- Do not use a tree or telephone as the centerpiece. A freestanding tripod made of iron with a nice verdigis patina would be nice. This would give mourners access from all sides and allow for tasteful lights to be strung and seen from all vantage points during holidays and anniversaries of days I wrote one of my classic posts. Will this mean it's lit everyday? This will be for historians to decide.

- If funding starts to get low for the upkeep of the shrine, I will consider corporate naming rights for the shrine but pick something you know I'd endorse. Aflack TBY Shrine? NO. Reese's TBY Shrine? YES.

- The shrine should be constructed in a way that a "traveling duplicate" can be be made. After one month of my death, the traveling duplicate can make a tour of the U.S. The name of this venture should be, "The THAT BLUE YAK shrine - Time To Heal."

That's all I've come up with so far. I'm open to additional suggestions.

30 comments:

Queen Goob said...

I could do this - you should have a contest to see who can come up with the best design.

FYI - I'd win.

Son of a Thomas said...

I would gladly donate my 8x8 inflatable merry-go-round. Your welcome.

Greta said...

I bet I could stare directly into the eyes and nothing would happen.

WendyB said...

Best shrine ever!

Dr Zibbs said...

Greta - I bet you've stared at eclipses without using a cardboard box with a pinhole as protection. Didn't you?

Jennifer and Sandi said...

- The shrine shall never contain thee Mexican Devotional Prayer Candle. Never! Ever! Never ever!

** too time consuming keeping them lite ** cuz I'm a busy gal!

HAPPY FRIDAY
- Jennifer

Cowguy said...

I wanna shrine with laser beams, Pink Floyd playing on an endless loop and a donkey tied to it.

Either that or a used Styrofoam cup tossed out the window.

Giggle Pixie said...

What? No eternal flame?

SouthernBelle said...

You are a genius, sir.

My shrine would be a pink glitter 4-legged frame with a Hello Kitty effigy on top.

Michelle said...

Dr Z i would love to take a black roses shaped as a heart to hang on your shrine!!! Is that OK???

Or perhaps a wax figure of myself holding the black roses shaped as a heart!!! I can be smiling or frowning, up to you!!!!

Love
Stalker

words words words said...

Wow, add a few more conditions to this list and I'm sure someone will arrange your tragic demise sooner than you thought.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Haaayyy! I like to think positive and not morbid thoughts.

Be careful,I think words could be right. So what if your dart buddies want to put up a shrine made out of beer bottles and on special aniversaries they thow darts at it? You'd be dead-no way you could approve it then.

And my word veri-strangely enough- is "maningsv" which reminds me that both Mannings will be home watching the game Sunday :)

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I personally am going to have one of those digital billboards erected (hehe I said erected) at the site of the crash. It could say "Honk if you miss Sarah" or something equally tasteful. It's subtle I know but that's what I am all about.

Susan said...

I volunteer to be the traveling duplicate since I'm unemployed as of tomorrow, k??? That's as long as you leave a lot of blue face paint to me in your will since I can't afford it now. Thanks.

URBAN BLONDE said...

Can I be the one who runs you over?

Dr Zibbs said...

Michelle and Sarah -Dots a Good Von!

Susan - OK and hope you're unemployed because you want to be.

Urban Blond - You've got to catch me first...Awww yeah!

SouthernBelle said...

In the event of your shrine being sponsored by Reese's, I will make a portrait of you using Peanut Butter Cup wrappers & the little brown paper cups they come in.

It will be very tasteful.

J. Hi said...

Can we incorporate latex in your shrine? I'm thinking blowup snow globes would be out, right?

Wilwarin said...

i'm glad you have this plan for all your grief stricken friends and family to reference back too.
otherwise they may have just thrown alot of plastic and poorly written signs up against whatever you crashed against.
you could leave the car there you know and put a dummy in it with a picture of your face on it. then it could be portable, just have a tow truck pull it. and if you smashed into a pole just leave it attached also and the lights could be strung onto that. you should crash a ute, cos then you could put the tripod thing you wanted in the back and have both shrines.
or you could crash a blue yak. that would be symbolic.

all of it tasteful, of course.

Chris said...

Any guidelines for the ever classy rear window tribute stickers that we will all put on our vehicles for you?

GETkristiLOVE said...

Maybe there should be a mechanical arm that passes a plate around for donations.

H said...

How bad a driver are you anyway?

Gwen said...

I think GETkristiLOVE knows you well, sir.

If I were on charge of your shrine I would buy a real yak, dye it blue, kill it, stuff it and place it at the site of your demise. On special occasions, like your birthday and Elvis', I would sit atop the yak from 8 am to 4 pm and cry really loud.

Dr Zibbs said...

I think that Get Kristi Love does know me well. One of my ideas was to have huge funnels around the shrine so if coins were thrown from any direction they could be caught.

gorillabuns said...

i would like a big ol' bottle of Vodka to commerate my crash. i'd haunt anyone that decorated my area with purple and gold fake flowers.

diane said...

Why stop at one? We could build shrine franchises all over America.

slopmaster said...

- When making signs, lightly write out the message before painting it so you don't run out of space on the right and you have to squoose the letters together to make them all fit.

that is the worst!

Dr Zibbs said...

Diane - me likes the way you think.

Random Real Estate said...

This made me smile. Thanks for the laugh and comment

Jessica said...

I think you need to dream bigger and get your own rest stop.