"Everyone Thinks I'm So Much Younger." Suuuuure They Do... "I Always Get Carded!"

I ran into a dude I used to work with last week and we got talking. He asked me how old my kids are (they're 19 and 16) He then asked, "How old are YOU?" And when I told him he said, "What? I always thought you were ten years younger!"

Now here's the thing. I'm told often that I look younger than I am but I think maybe I look a few years younger. Not ten. *looks in mirror* Hmmm. Maybe he is right... But do you ever run into these people - mostly women - that say, "Everyone thinks I'm 33!" OK so here's what usually happens. THEY say to the person, "How old do you THINK I am?" And the person being asked always says a younger age. But I've seen some of these people that claim that everyone thinks they're younger and when they tell me that I'm thinking, "Uh..I don't think so sweetheart."'

And then you have the women in their thirties that claim that they're always getting carded. OK. It happens legitimately to some women but usually the person doing the carding is trying to be nice. I hate to break the news to you.

But there are people that look younger than they are. Maybe it's something like 25 percent look five years younger and five percent look 10 years younger. What do you think?

As for looking older than you are that's the worst. I met this dude the other week and he said he was 43. I was thinking 55. I think my face looked kind of shocked when he told me. Oh well.

And on the subject of age I can't for the life of me tell the age of girls/women sometimes between the ages of 19 and 30.

So do any of you get told you look younger? How much younger? Also, state your age in the comments if you want. I'm curious how old you guys are.

Burt Mustin. Brady. All In The Family. Old Dude.

Remember Burt Mustin? Sure you do. He was that super old dude that was on the Brady Bunch "Jesse James" episode. And All The Family. And other things. He always reminded me of my Aunt Josie who was really old too.

Here are a few pictures. Not sure what the second two are from. Do you?

A Vegas Story From A Follower. Goodship Lollipop.

After I posted yesterday’s Vegas story a Twitter friend emailed me saying she also had a “couldn’t stop cracking up in Vegas” story. She said she laughed so hard that she wet her pants. Of course I asked her to email me the story. She wants to remain anonymous* (probably because of the shame) but here it is. Tis a good one:

We were up all night partying and ended up in the casino restaurant where all the old people were having breakfast.

Somehow or another I convinced my bff to walk over and do the Goodship Lollipop dance in front of this older couple who were innocently eating breakfast.

She did it (no surprise, she's nuts) and the old guy started yelling at her to get away from them...but that wasn't gonna happen because she knew I was gonna wet my pants.

She continued dancing doing the arms and everything and he took a swipe at her with his butter knife. That's when I had to leave the scene. She followed me to the elevator yelling at me that she got stabbed because of me and I literally had my legs crossed cuz it was coming.

She actually had a big butter swipe on the front of her pants.

We fall out of the elevator and she left me in the corridor and as she backed out, she shut the big double doors majestically and bowed out with a "aaaaaaaand goodnight" and it was over. Full on peed in my pants.

Then we get back to the room, I shower (she watched....just kidding!) and when I came out hotel security was in our room...that's a whole different hilarious story...oh Vegas.

*If she changes her mind she can always out herself in the comments section.

Dog Humping Old Lady Equal Hilarity. What The??

This is probably one of the funniest potential rape scenes I've ever seen.

Dolly Parton's Birthday Is Today. Huge Cans And Hanging Your Bras To Dry.

Dolly Parton's OK in my book. And it's her birthday today. She's 64.

She seems like a pretty likable person.

But there's something about her that you guys probably never noticed. She's got enormous cans! Really. She does. I could never figure out if they were real or not. Because she's had them ever since I could remember. And fake boob weren't even invented in the 70's? I think. I'm too lazy to look it up. Does anyone know?

And I wonder if she ever hung a bra out to dry and some kids came up and thought they were hammocks? "Hey, you kids, skittle along now, you're sitting in Dolly's unmentionables. Oh never mind. You stay put you. I'm coming out there with some iced tea for ya'll."

You know that probably happened.

Thanksgiving Miracle Planned By Famous Blogger In Downingtown For Old People.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. On a serious note, I've decided to "give something back" this year.

Get ready to cry.

I was thinking that while I'm eating a turkey dinner today in a home, some sad sacks will be eating at the Downingtown Old Country Buffet. And you KNOW how pathetic that place is.

For what I'm calling "The Thanksgiving Miracle - The Old Country Buffet Rescue of 2009" I will be going there, and picking one couple - probably old people - and inviting them to have Thanksgiving dinner in a home with their "new family".

I will make it very dramatic and heart wrenching by having one of my handlers announce the Thanksgiving miracle that is about to take place via bullhorn. Full volume. That's right, number 10 with deafening feedback volume. People in the Wegmans will be able to hear it.

I'll also add to the drama by saying, "Maybe it's gonna be you!" and point at someone but then point at someone else. Then I'll say, "You. Come up here." They'll get all excited thinking it's gonna be them but I'll say, "I need YOU to read who is going to receive the Thanksgiving miracle. Because it's certainly not going to be you". Yeah. It's gonna be good.

When I pick the couple it really will be a day that they'll never forget.

But I need your help.

We honestly are really short on chairs so I was thinking that one of you could actually take them back to your home for the dinner. Just tell them that I'll meet them there. They won't know the difference.

Great then. Just let me know if you can do it. I'll have them wear red pinnies and stand out front on the stoop.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Concordville Inn. Old People and Falling.

I'm not the best at math, but according to my calculations, old people plus falling equals hilarity.



I just thought of this because I'm leaving shortly to go to the Concordville Inn for a 70 year old's birthday.

Lady Attacked By A Raccoon. What The?

What the? Some 74 old lady was attacked by a pack of raccoons in Florida. (See story here)

This is the story I heard this morning when I woke up and turned on The Today Show.

Now the reality is pretty horrifying and maybe you'll think I'm a mean person but it had me cracking up. The report from Florida was like something you'd see on SNL. They showed the actual pack scurrying in front of a house.

I guess what really got me laughing was that the old lady opens the door to shoo the raccoons away when the "gang of raccoons" attacked her. They said once she fell, they enveloped her.

I really do hope she's OK but..you know...the visual is pretty funny.

Twitter, Jail, Linda Carter, Old People And Alf.

Here are some recent Tweets of mine that are special. My Tweet name is @DrZibbs if you want to follow me. You're seriously missing ALL the fun if you're not following me...Dr Zibbs..on Twitter. It's like a party in your mouth!

loves seeing kids w braces that can't shut their mouths. wish i had a remote control fly

I need to find a grim reaper outfit that isn't so hot. Whenever I put it on to scare old people in heat waves, I just get all sweaty

Psst guard,I know it's almost lunch but I had my heart set on Eggs Benedict. Would you mind telling the chef to keep the Bearnaise warm? (THIS IS FROM WHEN I WAS IN JAIL LAST WEEK)

Someones writing on the jail wall. There's no WAY I'm going to take the wrap for this. (GUARD! GUARD! - this guy's writing on the wall) (THIS IS FROM WHEN I WAS IN JAIL LAST WEEK)

Tip 4 super heroes:When too tired for proper landing (after burrito meal) - simply hold the back of your cape and use as parachute

nickelback sounds like the crappy band you see when sitcom characters go to a bar

just tried to do an imitation of Christopher walken and remembered that i can do the dad from alf

what about those people that brag about their bingo skills? never met one but i bet they're out there

If I were a vet I'd have "the convenient guinea pig drop off slot". Do you know where the slot would lead? Yup.To a trash can.

Can't believe Ruth Buzzi + Linda Carter both born today. Do you think there's any way they could be twins? (looks at pic again). Nevermind.

I'm challenging myself to sneak up on some old people today and break into my Axel Rose dance

you know why people never ask if anyone has any cute stories about their cats? because nobody gives a shit. remember this.

had a dream last night that i woke up and was growing the start of a rooster tail.

Let's Rub Butts. Hearing Aid Horns and My Memory.

Has anyone ever heard the expression, "Let's rub butts" - then you rub your butt on someone?

I swear I thought I made that up but I made a reference to it once and a blogger said she does that too. I do it to my wife while lying in bed as if it's something that I'm really into - "Let's rub butts!" Was that expression in a movie maybe?

It's hard to remember the things that I make up. It's also hard to remember if the jokes I make up are real or not.

My friend "The Child" was talking about his super old uncle recently. I asked, "You mean the one where everyone was screaming at the top of their lungs to talk to him because he refused to get a hearing aid?"

"Yeah that's him."

"And he had one of those horns that they used in the 1800 to hear?

"He didn't have one of those!"

See what happens there? It was an exaggeration of the story I made years ago and then after hearing the story over the years, I forget that the part that I made up was just a joke.

One wonders how bad this will eventually get. Is anyone else forgetful like this? Maybe I'll start pushing the focus on you guys so I don't look like the senile one.

Worst Fake Fall Ever Captured on Film. Youtube Gold.

So the other day I gave you the worst dancing in a video ever. Then I treated you to the worst fight in a TV show ever....

I now give you the worst fake fall ever. Hands down. Biggest phony baloney fall ever caught on film. Watch closely as the black lady walks by the old white lady and taps her on the back of the head.



And you know the people that know the lady that fell were like, "Oh Mable! Get the hell up! Don't even try it. She does that at least once a month you know."

And if you really want to laugh, click on the link and look at the comments that the racist viewers on Youtube left. To read them, click here.

Old Lady Trying To Convert Her Analog TV - The Video

Do you want to see something so funny that you'll have tears streaming down your face????????

If yes, check out what I just saw on the Butterfly Farmer's blog. To see the fall on the floor hilarity, click here. I give this a 9 on a 1-10 scale of funny. What's your rating?

Old People Forced To Do Things Against Their Will

Listen to this dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I was given the job of running a TV show where old people are put into a retirement home against their will. Really pissed off, cranky old people. And the home is almost like a concentration camp. Then, the old people are told that to get out of the home, they have to get in teams and compete against each other. All the teams have to form Spanish speaking pop groups and perform. The thing is, they have no talent, they're racist, they don't speak Spanish and they're all just really pissed off but they'll do anything to get out of the home.

And get this, the name of the show is called Shazam! I have no idea why. I don't control my dreams. That's just what it's called. Pretty weird huh?

Man Clutches Heart At Exton Kmart

So I had to take the dreaded trip to the Exton Kmart the other day to look for some lettuce seeds and I pass this Halloween thing pictured above. I'm looking at it and all of a sudden - and I mean all of a sudden it starts to move and the hands pick the head up out of it's neck socket. It then says something like, "I believe I'm losing my head" or something stupid like that.

Well, it completely catches me off guard and I kind of jump because the sudden movement and sound scared me in the wastelands of the Exton Kmart. I can't remember if I vocalized a mini scream, "ahhh" or not. All I know, just like when you trip and you have to look to see if anyone saw you, I turn around and this old dude is looking at me. I felt like saying,

"Listen old timer. I'm not afraid of this cheese ball monster. Something could have fallen off of the shelf and I would have jumped. I thought I was alone in the home and garden section OK? The sound startled me. That's it! You believe me..right?"

I picture the guy meeting up with his wife later in the store.

Old Lady: Did you find the rope Harry?

Old Man: Yeah I got the rope. And I saw one of those fags too.

Old Lady: A homosexual? In Kmart?

Old Man: Must of been one. He sees a scary trick or treat prop and he almost pissed his pants he was so afraid. And he screeched like a girl. But he was clearly a man.

Old Lady: Oh yeah. That was probably a gay.

Dewey the Cat Stupid - We Want more Oscar

USAToday has a story today about Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched The World. Are you kidding? If any of my readers are planning to read this book, you are no longer invited to my blog. In fact, I vow to my Jesus that whenever I see someone reading this book, I will rip it out of their hands ala' Greg Brady and say, "Watcha readin'?" I'll then heave the book into a tree or nearby stream.

Anyway, the REAL story in the article is the sub story on page 2D about Oscar the cat. It seems Oscar the cat, a resident of the Steere House Nursing Center in Providence has the ability to tell when residents are about to die. He's actually is able to identify who is going to die, then he hangs out on their bed until they die. Now that's creepy AND interesting.

I'm now announcing a contest. I'm asking readers to submit Youtube videos of an Oscar look-alike cat scaring the hell out of old people. Use your imagination:

- Start by leaving articles about Oscar - in large print and highlighted - around the elderly - so they're familiar about the nightmare that is coming their way.

- Train the cat to look at someone, then away, then look at them again.

- Try to convince some of the seniors to get Oscar to go to someone else's bed so the other person dies instead of them. Suggest that they might want to place boxes of mice under someone else's bed to lure the killer cat there. You know, play them against one another.

- Consider entrapping a really crabby old person as nothing is funnier than an old crab screaming in horror.

Please submit videos to Youtube with tags: That Blue Yak, Contest, Oscar that cat

The winner, if willing to meet me in West Chester, Pa - will be treated to a lunch WITH ME at Buddy's Burgers on Gay Street. Contest ends Oct 1.

Good Luck.

West Whiteland Moving Truck Nonsense

Jokes on the road should be illegal*. I snapped this picture in West Whiteland the other day. It's a moving truck with the image of a guy waving, decaled on the back. Do you think that old people ever see this moving truck and this happens:

Edna: Oh my God Ernie, that young man's gonna fall out of that truck!

Ernie: What? Hey he can't do that!

Edna: You better stop at a phone booth to call the 911.

Ernie: (leaning out window) HEY YOU. ENOUGH OF THE HORSE PLAY!

Edna: Don't taunt him. He might have a knife.

Ernie: Knife-smife. That guy is creating a hazard on the road. PULL OVER!

Edna: Oh my God he's stopping.

Ernie: That smart aleck is smiling. What's he smiling at?

Edna: Oh my God he's probably selling something. ERNIE DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!

*One time I was driving down the road and glanced over at a truck and there was a rubber leg hanging out as "a joke". I swear my heart almost stopped.

West Chester Blogger Invents Drinking Parlour Game

First of all: Copyright That Blue Yak/Dr Zibbs 2008. Now that we have that out of the way:
Here's a great new party and drinking game I just invented. I will be getting into a bidding war with Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers once I get their addresses, buy stamps, send the proposals and get callbacks from them. So I guess you'll see it on the shelves in about 6-8 weeks. The working title is "Words, Voice, Motions" but I'll probably change it to something more catchy like, "Gotcha". Not sure yet.

The objective is to make the other person laugh by saying a "dirty word". The beauty is that the words aren't really dirty. That's where the beautiful loop hole comes in when I try to get PR for it in old folks homes. Have you read how old people playing the Wii is huge now? Well take the Wii out and give them "Words, Voice Motion" and do you think they're really going to notice the diff? Some of them geezers can't even figure the Wii out!! The Wii!!! And this game won't say "fun for ages 9-99". It'll say "fun for ages 0 - 299". Do you know how old people live now -let alone in 200 years from now? And, I've added 9 more years for the youngsters in case they ever visit their grandparent in the home (or great, great , great, great grandparents in the future). See. I did think this on through.

Anyways, back to the instructions. Enunciation and celebrity imitations are encouraged as are hand motions and face contortions while playing. Here we go:

- Get opponent
- Look at opponent (like a stare down)
- Say your word (make sure to have solid eye contact). You're trying to make the person laugh
- Once player 1 goes, it's then the turn of player 2.
- _________ (I'll leave this step blank because I have to figure out something to do with dice so it's technically a game).

This isn't the kind of game you just jump into so I encourage all of you to try this practice exercise: After stretching, look into a wall mirror or if driving -use your car mirror. Practice these words pretending that the person in the mirror is Player 2. If you don't have a good imagination put a hat on immediately after you say your word and look in the mirror (this will help to confuse you into thinking the person in the mirror is player 2) .

Here are some practice words. I'm not sure if they'll be included in the first edition that you'll see in stores, so you might be wise to print out this page and put it in a safe place. That way, you'll be able to cheat the first time you play.

Word: Buttock.
Voice: Say it like a Jerry Lewis asking a question.
Motions: Keeping body straight, extend YOUR OWN BUTTOCKS outward.

Word: tea bag (the act of placing one's scrotum/nads onto a sleeping victims eyes)
Voice: Spoken with a whisper lisp
Motion: Making devious face, look suspiciously to left, then right then, keeping back straight, bend your knees and bring body lower).

Word: Feathering (as in feathering/lightly tickling the scrotum/nads)
Voice: Say it in a singing style. Like a bird is singing.
Motion: Squat a bit and lean in toward opposing player. With palm facing upward, do the "come here" motion with not just your index finger -but with ALL your fingers.

Pretty amazing huh? It's kind of a cross between Password, Make Me Laugh, Swank Magazine, and Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Please leave your own "Words, Voice, Motions" suggestions in the comments section and they will be considered for Edition 2.

Hopefully Philly Heat Wave Won't Kill Any Old People

It's July 18 and the Philly area is starting another heat wave today. And of course that means that the radio and TV will be reminding everyone to check on the elderly.

(Me holding chin, eyes looking up and the start of dream sequence music).......But I wonder if they ever found an old person a year later that had died in a heat wave because he was too cheap to splurge for a $12 box fan at Walmart. And when they showed up....it was just a human skeleton holding....get ready - here it comes...holding only a handmade paper hand fan. And on that fan was pictures of popsicles and penguins. The words "stay cool Poppy - Love Timmy" were chicken scratched onto the fan - the "L" of course was spelled backwards so they had to find a mirror to hold it up to so they could decipher it. The problem is when they try to pull the fan out of his hand, the whole hand comes off with it.

My question is this: If it were another heat wave (and understanding that Poppy was already dead) - would it be wrong to use the hand fan with creepy skeleton hand still on it to beat the heat while you looked around the house to make sure there were no other survivors (or skeletons)? Of course you wouldn't be making a mockery of the situation by dancing around and saying, "Look at me - I've got a skeleton hand -I've got a 'bone' to pick with you'" - and immature stuff like that.

While you wonder that age long riddle my ass is heading down to Sea Isle City. So looooong suckers! Oh...that reminds me I've got to pack a sweater. I likes to crank up the air.