You Might Hate Me After Reading This. Devil Stuff.

OK. I know many of you have printed out pictures of That Blue Yak, hand drawn in features that you think look like me, then have made mini shrines in your homes for worship purposes.

But I've got a confession. I'm NOT perfect. Calm down, calm down. It's true.

Here's a story of something I did in high school that I'm not proud of. Many of you might think I'm a jerk because of some of the things I write, but to tell you the truth, if someone is getting picked on I'm usually the first to step in and tell them to knock it off. Of course if they're not in hearing distance, how can making fun of them hurt them? It can't. Right? I guess that's just my policy.

But like I said above, here's a case of something that I still do feel bad about. I'll write it the way that I told it to a few friends the day after it happened in 11th grade:

"'You're not going to believe what we did to Thompson last night. You know how he's scared to shit and gets spooked by any mention of horror movies or devil shit when we're wasted? "

"Well, we scared the shit out of him last night. I made this box and filled it with all this weird crap like hand written quotes from the bible about the devil - but I made them look like they were written by a serial killer. Then I put all these dried flowers in and other crap. And there was this weird devil thing I found and I made it into a necklace."

"So we're out with him, Flare and Kindle and we're wasted. So I pull over and say, 'I've got to show you something that's changed my life.' (And I've always been able to do a great possessed imitation)"

"So I say I was in the woods and I found it. And he opens it up and is like, 'What the fuck is this shit?'. He's totally buying it and he's starting to freak out a bit, 'What the fuck is this shit?'"

"So I pull out the necklace and that I have in my pocket and say, 'And there's also THIS! This discovery has changed my life. You've got to be a part of this."'

"So the two other guys in the car are in on the 'joke.' The one falls out of the car and pretends he's throwing up. The other dude - who speaks Hungarian starts talking in Hungarian.

"So Thompson is like, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!"'

"We drive him home and as we pull up he jumps out of the car and runs to his house. "

That was about it. I'm not proud of if but I was just thinking about it lately.

So is anyone going to take down their shrines?

(And for the record, he was starting to become a dick)

Unicorn Collectors Probably Are Real Babies. Torture Ideas.

I can't be certain but I bet that people that collect unicorn items can be made to cry easier than the general population. I think a great way to make them cry would be to slowly break off unicorn horns from their sculptures.

But you have to be subtle.

I would start with breaking one then waiting a week. Be patient.

Then, after you break a few more, start doing things with the horns. Like you might want to tape one of the horns to the groinage area. That will probably really freak them out because I bet that there's a legend saying that the unicorn horns are sacred. And if there is - you know they believe that legend.

What about laying one of the horns on the pillow next to them while they sleep like how they did with the horse in the Godfather? Yeah that's a good one too.

Oh I know. What about when they cry, you say, "Now now. It's OK, here's a tissue." Little do they know that you've taped a broken unicorn horn inside of the tissue. Can you imagine the hysterics that THAT will set off? I can.

What other ways can you think of to torture unicorn collectors? Go ahead - jot some ideas down on a piece of paper then pick the best and leave it in the comments area.

Good luck.

Real Practical Joke. Calendar Models. College High Jinks.

So I while back on my blog I did a series of posts about practical jokes I've done. Here's another one. Grab a carpet mat and have a seat and I'll treat you to another one. Gather in closer now.

You! No eating!

OK. So it was in college and I'm walking down the dorm hall and this jackass that I never could stand was leaning against a doorway harassing this shy girl.

Guy: So admit it Patty. You're a virgin.

Shy Girl: Will you just shut up.

Guy: It's not a big deal. But why won't you admit it? You're a virgin aren't you?

Shy Girl: (about to cry) Just shut up.

This had been going on for a while.

So later on that night, I was hanging out with these two chick that were really funny and asked the one to do this. I was going to do it myself but was afraid he'd recognize by voice. So the one called him:

(Phone rings)

Guy: Hello?

My Chick Friend: Hello is this Barry?

Guy: Yeah.

My Chick Friend: Well hello Barry, this is Mary Ann from American Collegiate Calendars.... And the reason we're calling is that we put out a calendar every year featuring various students from colleges in the region and we'd like to see if you'd be interested in posing.

Guy: (All excited and shit) Really?

My Chick Friend: Really. Now we did get your name anonymously from someone that apparently watches you play football? - looks like you've got an admirer. Would you mind posing in your football outfit?

Guy: Yeah OK.

So we give him more info and tell him that the photographer was going to be at a specific building in a week. This jackass was so excited he called every friend he knew, called his parents and was walking around like a dick.

So the day comes and I see him walking out of the dorm. About an hour later he comes back all pissed off, opens his door and throws his crap in the room.

Mission accomplished. Don't mess with Zibbs.

Practical Jokes, Weddings and New Blog Readers.

That's it - I've got it! I just thought of a great practical joke. Once I find a new reader that seems very vulnerable, I thought I could lead her on. Like I'm in love with her. You guys can help by leaving comments on her blog saying, "He totally likes you".

Then, on the wedding day, all of you guys can pretend to be my real life friends. And just when I'm supposed to say "I do" I'll say,

"I...I...(looking at you guys in church trying not to laugh)..I GOT YOU". Some one can crawl up behind her and and I'll push her over you so she falls on the floor.

Then the priest will pull off his fake mask showing he's some D list actor (maybe Screech from Saved by the Bell or David from Eight is Enough) and a huge drape will fall on the alter that's covering a huge monitor that's shows all of the people she works with watching this hysterical joke.

Then we'll all point and laugh. Is everyone in?

Dwarfs and Little People. College and Hamsters. Nudeness and Suicide.

I went to college with a dwarf. There. I said it.

And do you know what? I'm not at heightist* Why? Because I put my dorm dwarf friend through the same types of abuses that I put other friends through. I'm serious. I did so much crap and practical jokes in college to friends and am actually proud that I didn't treat him (lets call him Rumpelstiltskin) differently because he was smaller than me. Here are some of the good times we shared:

- I would get on his shoulders and he would run around the halls of the dorm. My feet would be dragging on the floor. Sometimes I would pinch him on the neck. That meant to run faster. He was strong as an ox.

- I would fart in the face of Rumpelstiltskin. It was a lot easier since he was always at ass level but just to be a real stinker, if a few people in the dorm were sitting down in the hall - I would still choose him as my victim.

- I once taped all of his shoes to his ceiling. (I know a little rascal that's gonna be late for class).

- I stole his towel when he was in the shower and when he ran down the hall to his room, I put his towel in the drop ceiling - just out of reach - and had his room mate lock the door. I made sure the door was locked just at the last second. When you can hear that lock click, it makes it more horrifying for the victim.

- When I heard his baby hamsters were dying, I made a mini noose and put it in the hamster cage and wrote a note as if it was left by the remaining hamsters. The note read, "I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself" - implying that it was a suicide. Get it?

Now many of you think that is mean but that's what guys do. See - I told you I had nothing against dwarfs. What abusive things did you guys do to your dwarf friends to make them feel normal?

*Damn it I thought I had invented a word. But someone already made it up.

The Patty Duke Show And Song Idea For My Chester County Band.

I don't have a band. Yet. But when I do, I'd like to do a cover of The Patty Duke Show theme.

When we tour, I think it would be great to have ugly twins from each city come out and dance while the song plays. I'm talking some really freaky looking twins where you look in horror and ask, "You mean there's TWO of you??

Maybe we'll make fun of them on the big screens that they won't be able to see while they're dancing.

I'm not sure yet. I'll work out that detail after I learn how to play an instrument.

Clarinets, Practical Jokes, Traditions and America

So here's another practical joke/leg pulling in my series. Years ago when I was first dating Mrs Z, she and my sister's boyfriend were over my parents house for a big 4th of July party. It was probably the 3rd or 4th time each of them had been at the house. So this is what happens:

Me: (to future Ms. Z and boyfriend): So did Julie tell you two about the speech?

Ms Z: What speech?

Me: The 4th of July speech.

Boyfriend: What are you talking about.

Me: My Dad is really patriotic so every 4th of July, before he plays some patriotic songs on the clarinet, he asks that new people do a speech about what America means to them.

Ms Z: Are you kidding?

Me: Well it's not really a speech, you just have to tell some things about why you think America is great, or 4th of July memories. Stuff like that. But you should make some notes because it's got to be like five minutes long. And don't make a mockery of it while you're doing it because...well.....just don't.

Boyfriend: Five minutes each?

Me: Yeah each or you can do it together. Either way, you guys should start thinking of some things because you have to be ready right before dinner. We'll be doing it in the living room. That's the tradition.

I let them suffer for about five minutes then I told them I was kidding. Suckaaaaas.

A Salute To A Blogger That's Going To Hell

Whenever I feel like I might be going too far with my blog content. I take the wheel of my automobile and head on down to Fee Feesible Prophesies and look at all of the creepy pictures and videos. Then I'm reaffirmed, "Oh yeah, I guess I am saint-like.

A few days ago I was at the Chester County library and I went to the site and saw the creepiest, weirdo video clip that had me laughing so hard I had to go to another site and pretend I was at a funeral - I'm not kidding. I was giggling like an idiot and my shoulders were bouncing up and down with my laughter. Some guy (not the famous blogger) was looking at me like I was a fool. It was one of those moments, like when you're in church, praying to baby Jesus and a big fat guy blows his nose with a hanky or the Priest says something wrong like, "...and Jesus fried alone for our sins" - you know.

Once I calmed down, I went back to see who is responsible for this blog and I see it's Jen and "2 fools". When I click 2 Fools, it sets me off again because here's what I see: huh?

Anyways, here's clip that put me over the edge (note that I would put a direct link to the vid I'd have to show you the unrelated part of the post and you'd be confused):

(P.S. I stole the idea of honoring a blog post from by best friend Falwless).