People That Tell "Standard" Jokes And My Facial Reaction. Stone Faced.

Everyone knows the type. The guy that says, "I got one for you". Then he goes on to tell one of those "three guys walk into a bar" jokes. And you can tell he's rehearsed it before - all confident in his delivery.

I had an older cousin that did this growing up. And I always hated it. The jokes are rarely funny. Whenever they say, "I got one for you", I just get uncomfortable because I know I'm not going to think it's funny. And if you're in a crowd, everyone is expecting you to laugh. I just stand there with this look on my face that says, "I don't want to be here".

It's one thing I can't do. I can't fake laughing at something when it's something that's not funny at all. I can't even force myself. It's not out of jealously like I wish I were the one making everyone laugh, it's just this thing I have against people that are trying really hard to be funny. They're giving it everything they got and what they're saying is just stupid. But they think they're funny.

I used to work with this girl that some people thought was hysterical, and a few of us - the ones with a sense of humor - couldn't stand her stories. She would tell these stories, most of which were exaggerated bullshit, and she'd be laughing when she told them - which would get some people laughing. Then, she'd throw in the worst accents to liven up the story. For some reason it was always a terrible French or English accent. As if there was always a foreigner around when she apparently got into these crazy predicaments.

And people would guffaw over these stories that weren't even funny. So after one of the meetings where one of these stories was told, I was walking down the hall with two of my coworkers (that have a sense of humor) and the one said, "Here's an imitation of your face when that story was being told".

The expression was one of someone at a funeral. With an occasional, uncomfortable smile, as if the priest just said something to lighten the mood. Since then I became aware of this face. But there's still nothing I can do to stop it.

Dwarfs and Little People. College and Hamsters. Nudeness and Suicide.

I went to college with a dwarf. There. I said it.

And do you know what? I'm not at heightist* Why? Because I put my dorm dwarf friend through the same types of abuses that I put other friends through. I'm serious. I did so much crap and practical jokes in college to friends and am actually proud that I didn't treat him (lets call him Rumpelstiltskin) differently because he was smaller than me. Here are some of the good times we shared:

- I would get on his shoulders and he would run around the halls of the dorm. My feet would be dragging on the floor. Sometimes I would pinch him on the neck. That meant to run faster. He was strong as an ox.

- I would fart in the face of Rumpelstiltskin. It was a lot easier since he was always at ass level but just to be a real stinker, if a few people in the dorm were sitting down in the hall - I would still choose him as my victim.

- I once taped all of his shoes to his ceiling. (I know a little rascal that's gonna be late for class).

- I stole his towel when he was in the shower and when he ran down the hall to his room, I put his towel in the drop ceiling - just out of reach - and had his room mate lock the door. I made sure the door was locked just at the last second. When you can hear that lock click, it makes it more horrifying for the victim.

- When I heard his baby hamsters were dying, I made a mini noose and put it in the hamster cage and wrote a note as if it was left by the remaining hamsters. The note read, "I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself" - implying that it was a suicide. Get it?

Now many of you think that is mean but that's what guys do. See - I told you I had nothing against dwarfs. What abusive things did you guys do to your dwarf friends to make them feel normal?

*Damn it I thought I had invented a word. But someone already made it up.

Chester County Library Needs Some Privacy Policies. Friendly Can Be Nosy.

I'm pretty friendly when it comes to talking to people that are servicing me. But I've got an issue with a particular librarian at our local library. Whenever I check out books, this individual needs to comment on the books.

This person sometimes even opens the book. "'Hmmm. Organic gardening huh? I guess it is about that time that people are starting to think about Spring.'" Or "'Cover Letters for Dummies'. Well you don't have to be a dummy to get your resume together these days.'"

I feel like getting these books out someday - and then this will happen:

"OK. What do we have today?. Oh. 'Making Masks'. Interesting. Alrighty and..Wow, "'The World of Serial Killers'. Creepy stuff there. And finally, 'Cover Your Tracks Without Changing Your Identity.' "

(nervously) "Will there be anything else?"

Yeah. Will you help me carry them to the car?

If The Reader's Digest ever publishes an evil version - I'm going to sell them this post. I think it would fit in nicely with that surprise ending thing I did there.

Hemorrhoid Suffers Independence Day

Many of you immature people out there would laugh at someone if they saw them walking into work with a Hemorrhoid Donut. And because the person also might have to carry their laptop, lunch and other junk, they might have to tie a string around it and wear it around their neck until they got to their desk.

They probably get taunted by other workers,

"Yo Flavo Flav - nice clock. No, it's more like Stinky Flav - OH YEAH." Then the taunter turns to the person they're walking next to and puts their palm out because they've earned a high-5 for the 3rd grade level joke they just made up.

Or even worse, they have to put their head through it and wear it like a big assed necklace. Then, you got some dope running to the top of your building and leaning over yelling, "Look at me! I'm the king of the world!" - Like he's Leo DiCaprio on the titanic and you're a drowning Titanic victim because the roid donut around your neck looks like a life preserver.

Well, not unlike Mother Theresa or Bono, I'm a giver. And today, I'm giving this idea - for FREE to the world. What if the hemorrhoid donut manufacturers printed jokes ONTO these cushions? Then, when someone made a joke about the donut, the sufferer could hold up the donut and show people the joke that's written on it. Then instead of being victim of a joke, everyone would be laughing at the NEW joke and completely forget about the donut. I know. Sometimes brilliant solutions are very simple.

OK. I've done my humanitarian work for the day. Now it's up to my readers to take this idea and run with it.

Rip Taylor Lives On In This Corny Stand-up Video

I don't think he's dead yet by he still lives on. For how stupid comedian Rip Taylor is, I still can't help from laughing at him. I mean - who can forget the $1.98 Beauty Pageant? C'mon people. If you like stupid, corny jokes told by a feminine guy with a toupee on Norm Crosby's Comedy Shop, you'll love this clip. To view it, click the words: Let's get laughin'.