Why do you think a woman would sleep with a little person? Have you ever? Or have you known anyone that ever has? If I'm not wrong I think (follower) Whiskey Marie said her sister or her friend did. I think these might be the main reasons (along with my percentage guesses):
- 5% Wanted a story to tell her friends. (This one is pretty mean)
- 5% Has a fetish about little people.
- 75% Drunk and horny.
- 10% Only sees a person from what they're like on the inside.
- 5% Thinks the dude is hot.
Am I close?
Would I do it? I think I might. I never really thought about it but if she was hot and was getting all flirty like the one below I might give it a go (but not her exactly because I just found out she's a porn star and I would NEVER sleep with a porn star. EVER. I would be too skeeved out)
I'll start by saying that I've seen both the Grateful Dead (three times) and Jimmy Buffett (two times) and had a great time at the concerts. And I've always had fun in the parking lot. PAAARRR-TAAAYY!
With that said, both hardcore Dead Heads and Parrot Heads annoy the hell out of me. The whole "look at me! I'm embracing this and I'm a part of the scene!" just gives me a major rash. And I hate self proclaimed Deadheads or Parrot Heads that have to let you know, "I'm a total parrot head. I've been to 21 shows. I know every song." I don't give a s*%t buddy. So who is more annoying and why? Show your work.
Also, bonus points if you can name any other band follower names. By the way followers of Clay Aiken are called "Clay Nation."
Remember this post a few weeks ago where I showed couches with plastic on them? Well one of my old time blog friends @MrsMushiMushi AKA Dominic (all the way from Antwerp, Belgium) said, "Hey that lady looks kind of like me!
So I said, "Take a picture of yourself in a similar pose and send it to me! Then I'll put it in a post!"
And she did. Here it is (she's the one on the right).
The Chipolte napkin. The holy grail of restaurant napkin for napkin hoarders like me.
Does anyone else hoard napkins? I do it all the time. I store them in my car then and use them for various purposes. Face cleaning, spills, the occasional nose blow when tissues run out, wiping down my dash and console...and maybe someday for origami. Who knows?
And Chipotle napkins are the best because you can grab a huge stack easily and they're thick. My least favorite used to be Wendy's. Do you know why? I just hated that bright yellow color. But they've switched to the same industrial brown as Chipotle so I'll be stocking up on those as well.
And on other napkin hoarding related news I was in the Exton Country Bagel this morning and too bad my arch enemy wasn't there because as I was pulling their crappy napkins out of their toilet paper holder-like dispensers I was imagining if he were there I would slowly pull one out..and another..and another..and another....staring at him the whole time with the look of "there ain't a damn thing you can do about this little man. Not a damn thing." And as I pulled the 30th napkin out I would look at him and mouth, "Thanks for the free napkins....chump."
Then strut my ass out of their establishment. .......And.......Scene!
This McDonald's commercial honestly sickens me. Even when I was a kid I hated crap like this. Just dumb ass characters. Old men in board rooms saying "Make it crazy because kids like crazy things. They don't know!" I honestly used to think that even when I was six. Here it is:
And the Honeycombs commercials were ever worse! I don't know why I'm even tainting this precious blog with this nonsense. Why is there even a robot? So kids can think it's craaaaaaaazy!!! And I do remember kids when I was younger quoting these commercials and I hated them right away. Here it is.
Let's take a look at some book covers. Here we go....
I can see making a lamp out of your grandmother but this is widicalous!
I swear I'm not making this up but when my son was five my aunt sent this to my son as a present. "OK I'm going to read this to you but do not...I repeat DO NOT ever call a black person Sambo. You're five now so I'm trusting you to listen."
Gay time eh? Looks like the guy painting is the "butt" of the joke...Naaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaaaaaaa.
What the?? Ahhhhhhhhh! I'd like to get this book and sneak into people's houses and wake them up while holding this a foot from their faces.
Now DIS I gotsta read!
Man: Baby don't walk away...baby! Jesus has something he wants to tell you!
Little Person Satan: Excellent. She's falling right into my trap.
The other night I'm upstairs and I hear my son come in. Then I hear a tiny dog bark.
I perk up. Whu???
It sounded almost like a cute puppy bark. So I run downstairs all excited, turn the corner and..... *cue the loser music for the Price is Right* "Bum-Bum-Babuuuuuumm Waaaaaaaa"
It wasn't a cute puppy. It was a scraggly old cockapoo. With a bad haircut. And it was just walking away from me. It's saggy, discolored sphincter staring me in the face. Mocking me. Pure disappointment. It turns out my son saw it walking around outside. He eventually found the owner that night.
But as for petting it? No thanks. I think I'm just racist against some dog breeds. Not that I hate them but I just don't care about them. And I'm a dog lover too. Of the important breeds*.
I love dogs (some breeds) so much that if I go to somebody's house and I see a dog I'll practically push them aside to go play with the dog. But this saggy sphincter dog? No. I'm just as likely to walk into somebody's house, see a hamster and run over to the cage and be like, "Whoa! Who's this little guy? Hey buddy. What are you doing in there? Look! He's thinking about going on his wheel!! I can just tell! You guys go outside I'm just going to wait here and watch him run on his wheel for a while."
I know. It might be wrong but if you're judging me doesn't that make YOU a people racist? *holds up mirror to your face*
*Like the Newfoundland dogs you see above. I would love to get one of those someday.
2) Nicholas was an annoying troll with a huge head.
3) In seventh grade I called into the Jerry Lewis telethon and got to talk to Dick Van Patton. I think I pledged $5. I need to get around to paying that one of these days.
4) The theme song is the gayest theme song ever recorded. See below.
Do you ever notice the different types of heat in spicy foods? My favorite has to be the red sauce (or Rojo as the Latins call it) that comes with the Don Gabriel's pork carnitas* (West Chester, PA). Take a look at the sauce above. It's like Beelzebub made it himself.
It's not that your tongue is burning and you're dying for a glass of water - or milk - but it's got a slow burn. The flavor and heat just takes over your mouth in a subtle but overpowering way if that makes sense. It's so hot that when I was eating these the other day I look in the mirror and my forehead was totally covered in beads of sweat, my face is flush and when I blinked? I shed tears! Like a big baby.
If someone came up to my car and knocked on the window they would have been horrified when I turned around. They probably would have thought I was having a heart attack. And was just sitting in my car crying and waiting to die. Eating my last meal - pork carnitas.
My second favorite heat is on roasted long hots. And from my other posts I'm wondering if these long hot peppers are served in other parts of the country because a lot of people have commented that they've never heard of them. But nice heat and they're always a gamble. Some are really hot and some aren't. Depends on whether the seeds are out I think.
And on the subject of the long long hots I can't seem to find the exact kind. I only find the kind that has the thick skin. Like the kind I use to make my famous Dr Van Huesen Sphincter Burners as I wrote about here
And finally, on the subject of heat does anyone have any good hot sauces to recommend. I love Tabasco and not crazy about Frank's if that helps. I know there are hundreds out there with crazy labels but honestly haven't tried many others.
OK that's it. Let me know what your favorite spicy foods are.
*To read another post I wrote about these carnitas click here.
Oh come on now. Who the hell is asking their lady to do the move known as the wheelbarrow? Look at it! I think the only way I would do that is if I wanted to say that I did every position in the kamasutra. There are 64 by the way.
Do you ASK her to do the wheelbarrow or do you have her on the side of the bed and you just kind of pull her off? I guess it's good for building upper body strength at least.
Or maybe your vacuum cleaner is broke? "Oh baby you're so hot...mmmm. can you pick up that paper clip and that lint right next to your left hand? No. Up further....yeah that's it."
Stupid. Just like the position where you stand and the woman is facing you and you're holding her. Who do I look like? The God damn Hulk? I'm not a total weakling but still!
Ahhh..Look at that picture above. It's a tree swing from the Struble Trail in Downingtown. I love walking by there. Very calming. I think this Summer I'm going to try it out when there are a bunch of kids there. I'll walk over and say, "Step aside." Then do my Tarzan yell, "Ahhhhhhh-ahhhooaahhh- aaaaahhhhhaaa!"
Here are a few other random pictures from my phone.
This is a picture from the roof top bar of Mas - a Mexican restaurant in downtown West Chester, PA. It was the perfect evening. Nice and breezy. I love sipping a cold one while the breeze is a blowin'. Just enough that random napkins blow away. Plus I had a long phone chat with my best friend while I sipped on a Corona. And look at the top of that umbrella. It's kind of an optical illusion. If you look at it it turns into a distant mountain.
Who's this guy? It's the wavy Verizon man. Do you know it's very hard for me to walk by this guy at Main Street in Exton and not imitate him? If I'm with other people forget it. I'll do it 100 percent of the time. I wonder how many people out of a hundred that walk by imitate his waviness? I bet it's 5 out of 100 kids and 1 out of 100 adults. Do you think?
Here's a mural on the wall at Rocco's Pizza in Exton. Something unsettling about this piece. The guy on the right is sleeping. Guy in the middle is eating but seems to be ignoring others and the guy on the left is guzzling red wine. And looks like he's going to slam the glass down and open up a can of whoop ass on the other two. Or on his timid Italian girlfriend that "just doesn't listen." I bet he'll first take his shirt off so everyone can see his wife beater t-shirt.
Some songs of my youth and their memories. What are your memories of these?
Nazareth - "Love hurts" - When this song comes on I always think of a seventh grade dances and being to shy too ask a girl to dance. Standing in the corner...yearning.....But looking back why would they play this song as a dance song anyway? NOW who looks stupid? Depressing.
ELO - "Turn to Stone" - This reminds me of 8th grade. Hicknut - this kid in the neighborhood - liked this chick named Maria and he would change the lyrics to "Turn to stone...when Maria was gone...." Oh and always claimed girls were trying to get a glimpse of his "huge bulge." Yeah OK Hicknut.
James Brown - "Sex Machine" - No great memory here other than I love this song and I have it on a CD called Funky Stuff. Check out my man's suit!
Where are the best wings in Chester County? I think I have to say at Landmark Americana in West Chester (see picture below*). But I have some thoughts on wings. Unlike pizza where you can have terrible pizza and great pizza, with wings there are good wings and really good wings. It's really hard to make them bad and I rarely eat them and think, "these are so great!" Or what I usually do which is go on and on about how great something is. Annoying everyone that I'm with.
I think the Landmark Americana wings stand out because they're crispier than most wings. So when you take a bite you pull a piece of the skin off. Like a caveman. Getting at the tender flesh. And the sauce is good. Another thing is this - (look at the picture below) - Do you see the plate? Nice white, square plate for the presentation. Good blue cheese dressing (not ranch). And most importantly fresh, crisp celery.
This is a pet peeve of mine. If you serve me wings I don't want carrot sticks. And I don't want limp celery or two little 2" pieces of celery.
And one more thing. Serve your wings with a wet wipe like Landmark does. They got it down.
*If you're wondering what kind of beer that is it's a Victory Beer Prima Pils. One of my favorite beers.
Hello my future ancestor's. This is your great, great, great grand pappy Dr Zibbs. I see you've found my blog.... Step inside and find out who I was. Or perhaps you're about to have me regenerated and you want to learn a bit about me so you can have something to talk about when I come to? Is that it?
Wouldn't that be great if you found stuff that your great, great, great grand pappy wrote? Well mine will know me because I might have my blog address written on my tombstone so all my future relatives that mourn can see what I was all about. Not really. I'm being cremated. Not sure if I'll get a tombstone. Come to think about it I probably should. Maybe I'll have a monitor on it that flashes my hundreds of blog posts up so people walking by can read it. ...Hey! get back to work groundskeeper and stop reading my blog!
So I think I'm going to start mixing in things from my past for the people of the future to see. So they can see how I lived. And how I played.
Like for example that stereo above? That's the exact stereo I got in ninth grade. The brand is a Sound Design. It was the most expensive stereo in 1979. OK not really. I was kind of embarrassed by the name of it but it did rock.
How do you people of the future listen to your music?
A few miles away from me is the Marchwood Goodwill. Back in the day though it used to be a porn theater. I remember going there a few times with friends while drinking beers and we'd wait for people to come out then yell things, "Hey! Look who's coming out of the porn theater! Come over here. It's the Daily Local News. We want to interview you!"
And people would cover their faces and rush to their cars. One time we even saw a teacher! Of course we yelled his name.
Well one time in junior year a few of us decided to go in. I forget if we used fake ID's or what. We smuggled some beers and watched. For about 20 minutes. There's something creepy about watching porn with a bunch of dudes and strangers so we left. I mean really. Watching porn is an interactive sport so who knows what some of those people were doing.
Back at school we were laughing about it at the lunch table and here's what happened:
Chris: Wait. So what exactly do they show?
Me: Everything. Two people f%#king.
Chris: Bull. There's no way they actually show it.
Me: Yeah they do. And close up. A d&$k going into a wet p#&*y.
Chris: Oh come on they can't show that! You're full of it. It's probably them under blankets.
Me: Under blankets? What?? I saw it on the screen! You mean I think I saw something else? Then lets go this weekend!
So a bunch of us go. And he still thought we were making it up. That maybe they just showed some boobs or something. Now remember this was before the information super highway so unless you saw a stag film on 8 mm at a party or you were getting some snitchy-snatch your own bad self you may have never seen anything like this.
We walk in and there is a full close up on the screen of two people "bumping uglies*" and here is what happened:
Chris: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Me: Shhhhhh!!!!
Chris: HOLY CRAP THEY"RE ACTUALLY DOING IT!!
Me: Shhh! Shut up!
Chris: OH MY GOD! (covers eyes then looks up again) OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!! THEY'RE SHOWING EVERYTHING!
It was pretty classic.
*And what was with all the hair? Jesus Christ! Whoever started the movement of people shaving and trimming deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. Seriously. What year did this become the norm for most people? In the early 90's?
Ahhh. The pork sandwich. Do you guys in other parts of the country have it? Here are a few of my favorites in Chester County Pa.
This one above is my favorite. It's from Luigi and Giovanni's in Newtown Square. They only serve it on Sunday's. A whole pig is roasted over night. Then the meat is put into a great sesame seed coated roll with provolone cheese and long hots. Dear Jesus is this thing good. I usually eat it in my car on the way home while listening to Sunday's with Sinatra. And my brow sweats from the heat of the long hots. And if you go there you have to get it with an ice cold Coca Cola.
And what do we have here? (above). This is a pork sandwich from Primo Hoagies in Exton, Pa. It's a cold hoagie with pork deli meat. Provolone and long hots. And a great roll! I prefer the hot pork sandwiches but this one is pretty good.
And lastly is this guy. The hot pork sandwich at Rocco's Pizza in Exton Pa. Roasted pork, provolone and long hots. This is tasty but not great. The roll is average and they broil it a bit to melt the cheese. Plus they only give you one long hot per side as opposed to Luigi and Giovanni's. Either way, it's still better than most cheese steaks you can get around here.
To read more about the dick that makes one of my pork sandwiches click here.
Nothing beats the slow clap for adding drama and drawing attention to yourself. I'm thinking I'm going to start the slow clap for minor things like when someone does something slightly embarrassing like tripping or for random things like someone successfully placed their sandwich order.
Don't forget to join in if you see me out there in the field starting a slow clap. OK, now to review these movie slow claps and practice the proper technique.
Manfred Mann from 1968 doing The Mighty Quinn. I never heard a lisp in this song till now. Trippy man. Trippy.
And here's a song I always thought was stupid. In the Year 2525 by Zager and Evans. Who?
And I'll end the Trifecta with a cheesy one. Billy Don't Be A Hero. Remember this one? And look at the drummer. He's all excited. And talk about a weird facial expression on the lead singer. Jeez. Looks like he's in pain.
Check out these cherry leisure suits. Which is your favorite?
"See that babe Mike? She was looking at me. Nothing attracts a woman like a man who knows the value and style that only Sears can offer. It's all about the threads."
Bet you can't pick the one who just got out of jail the week before without changing your mind twice.
Eric: (To big brother John) Hey John look at the new suit mom got me for the dance. Pretty boss huh??
John: (Emerges from room. Stoned. Gives younger brother elevator eyes): Fag.
"Excuse me. Excuse me!..Hey.Girl working in the field. ...Hi. I'm Saul. I was just walking down this country lane and thought I'd come over and introduce myself. Wanna have a rap session? I bet you like horses don't you?"
"Hey. What's up? My name's Bert McGrath and as you can plainly see, I'm a Mealoaf impersonator. You can tell that by my weight, my ratty ass wig I got at a dollar store and my kerchief that I'll use to wipe off my sweat when I sing "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" at your BBQ, party or bridal shower. Oh. *winks* And I got an attitude and sex appeal to boot as you can clearly see."
That my friends is a real Meatloaf impersonator. I found the picture on my desktop but I forget where I found it online. Is there anyway he can be really good? I bet you anything I can do a better impression of Meatloaf. I do it all the time in my car when Meatloaf songs come on. I always grab a tissue to use as my prop for wiping my fake sweat.
True story bitch asses. OK. Now back to looking at his picture.
Wait till you hear this. Do you see that sandwich above? It's the tasty Bobbie from Capriotti's Sandwich Shop in Exton. Roasted turkey with stuffing and cranberry sauce. Trust me. It's really good.
So here's what happened. I had one the other day and since I'm not a pig I ate one half and saved the other half to bring to work. Next day I bring it to work and put it in the work fridge. Lunchtime comes and I eagerly reach into the fridge, pull out the hoagie and open it. Anticipation.
What?? What the?? Who replaced my Bobbie with a tuna hoagie?! God damn it! Someone at my house must have eaten my Bobbie or moved it and I accidently grabbed my son's tuna hoagie from my home fridge and brought it in! And I open up the tuna hoagie and guess what is covering the tuna? Jalapenos! Who the F covers their tuna hoagie with jalapeno? And the jalapeno's were carefully placed on the sandwich as if when my son ordered it he instructed the sandwich artist to line the jalapeno's up perfectly. And it it was a Subway sandwich too. Maybe it was Jared's stupid idea. And I hate Subway.
Well I'm hungry so I decide to eat it. Not THAT bad. But halfway through I get grossed out because what if it's a few days old? Or my son left it in the car for a while? I've got this fear about eating old or gross fish. So after a few bites I just chuck the thing in the trash.
A few hours pass and a light bulb goes off over my head. Could it be? No. Well I better go check. I go to the work fridge, reach in and pull out a bag that's been pushed to the very back. I open it and see the red stain of cranberry coming through the paper. I didn't eat my son's sandwich I hate a fellow employee's sandwich!! WHAAAA?!
Then I was all paranoid they were going to try and track down who did it. As if I just opened the fridge and said, "I wonder what I should eat today? Oh. A tuna hoagie. That should do the job." I'm just glad the tuna hoagie owner didn't see me eating it. How do you get out of that one?
The next day I was telling a friend about what happened and we were laughing so hard that later I made up this fake sign and told her it was taped to the work fridge and I emailed it to her.
"Please DO NOT throw out or eat food that is not yours. If your unsure if it is yours please ask! Thanks."
After we had a good laugh I told her I wrote it. Then we laughed even harder. Note the spelling error I added to the note (ie: "yours").
I love this note because it makes it as though the person who had their sandwich eaten thinks people are so dumb that they might forget what they actually brought in for lunch therefore have to "ask around" to double check. "Hmm. Did I bring a peanut butter sandwich, a yogurt or a chicken pot pie? I forget."
Oh yeah. Here's the French onion soup I had at Panera* the other day. And it was deeeeeeeeliiiiiiiiissshhhh!
I'm more of a fan with it in a crock and with the cheese bubbling over the sides but this version was really good. You don't see French onion soup too often do you? It was big in the 70's and 80's but I rarely see it on menus. I hope it's making a comeback.
And got me thinking about some other foods that were popular in restaurants growing up but are rarely seen. Like Beef Wellington (which I've never had) and chocolate mousse. Oh and another thing that I love that I still make. I little dish known as clams casino. I do them with cherry stone clams then add minced shallots, garlic, pepper and some bacon on top. That's the stuff. Haven't seen that on a menu in a while.
*The sandwich I got was not great. A turkey sandwich with bacon. The bread is just too thick. But I did have a few bites of what my date was eating. Potato soup and mac and cheese. Yum.
Oh dear. Star, Star from the Rolling Stones from Goat's Head Soup. Listen as you read the saucy lyrics. Try not to blush. If you get nervous hide behind a hand fan and take a sneak peak.
Baby, baby, I've been so sad since you've been gone Way back to New York City Where you do belong Honey, I missed your two tongue kisses Legs wrapped around me tight If I ever get back to Fun City, girl I'm gonna make you scream all night
Honey, honey, call me on the telephone I know you're movin' out to Hollywood With your can of tasty foam All those beat up friends of mine Got to get you in their books And lead guitars and movie stars Get their toes beneath your hook
Yeah, you're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star Star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah, I heard about you Polaroid's Now that's what I call obscene Your tricks with fruit was kind a cute I bet you keep your pussy clean Honey, I miss your two tone kisses Legs wrapped around me tight If I ever get back to New York, girl Gonna make you scream all night
Yeah, you're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star [ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rolling-stones-lyrics/star-star-lyrics.html ] Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star Star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star Yes you are, yes you are, yes you are
Yeah, Ali McGraw got mad with you For givin' head to Steve McQueen Yeah, you and me we made a pretty pair Fallin' through the silver screen Honey, I'm open to anythin' I don't know where to draw the line Yeah, I'm makin' bets that you gonna get John Wayne before he dies
Yeah, you're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah you are, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star Star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker Star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star, yes you are, yes you are
