Gift Cards, Craft Brew, Deals and Chester County

I'm not sure if I'll be doing much Christmas shopping on Black Friday or even this weekend but in case I do, has anyone heard of any great deals at stores or online? I'm like one of the lady's when it comes to finding the ultimate deals on things.

If you're in the Chester County area, I know that Kildare's Irish Pub is selling half price gift cards until 7 tonight. I'll be picking up one of those for myself. Now if I'm doing my math correctly, that means that if I use the card during their happy hours I'll be getting $1.50 craft brew pints. Uhh huhh.

Taking A Short Break From Thanksgiving With The Inlaws

..my stomach feels funny.......

I Just Don't Understand What This Blogger Is Talking About

I hate all kinds of music. Food is gross. Rumer Willis has a pretty face. These are things that I've never heard anyone say. And then there's this. Honestly, what is your reaction to this. I'm speechless.

I Love Seeing People That Are Look Alikes

I love seeing people that are look alikes of people I know. And the goofier they are, the better. They just need to resemble the person enough that if 10 people were shown the twin, at least 7 would agree. But more importantly, they'd laugh and say, "Oh my God that's mean. But it does look like him. That's the Poor Man's Bob alright".

I used to compile look alike pictures that I'd find in newspapers and magazines and keep them in a photo album called "The Look Alike File". It was lost for five years, then I found it. It was like finding a hundred dollar bill. My favorite was the look alike for my friend Jim. It was Orvil Redenbacher's grandson. Man was he pissed.

The only thing similar to this I've heard of was my friend who said her brother-in-law has been keeping an "Ugly Brides" album for years. I'd love to get my hands on that.

I also like to spot look alike celebrities. The best part about spotting a look alike famous person is the satisfaction I get when I point out the look alike to the person I'm with. But instead of just saying, "Hey, doesn't that guy look like Tom Bosley?", It'll go like this:

Me: I don't think this place looks like Arnold's at all do you? He must be confused.
Person I'm With: What?
Me: Well, somebody better tell him -(pointing to look alike) - because Richie's dad is never gonna find him in here.

If I'm at a bar, I like to say this to my friend right before I get up and leave for the bathroom so that by the time I'm out of site, they're sitting by themselves, giggling like a fool.

Well, If You Are Looking For A Gift, I Do Collect Zippo Lighters

So a few years ago while working as a product manager in the giftware industry, I had the opportunity to work with the Jack Daniels Distillery. My job was to work with artists, sculptors, mold makers and licensing companies to design and produce the actual product. I made tons of cool JD stuff - shot glasses, flasks, sculptures, etc. I also made a Zippo Lighter. After working with Zippo, I was hooked and I started collecting them.

I bought most of my Zippos on Ebay and I have over 200 of them now. The categories that I collect most are:

- Movie/TV related

- Advertising

- Music Related

- Anything with a great graphic

- Distillery/Brewery/Tobbaciana

- Outsider Art

If you collect anything, check out Craigs Helper. It's a great site where you can plug in the item you're collecting, then quickly search multiple States. I'll search "Zippo Lot" every few weeks just to see if anyone is selling an entire collection. That's when I move in for the kill. I bought a lot of 60 Zippos a few years ago for $110. I estimated that I could have resold them on Ebay for

$800- $1000.. Ohhhh Yeahhh.

What do you guys collect? And I hope it's not beanie babies because they ain't worth shit.

Clarinets, Practical Jokes, Traditions and America

So here's another practical joke/leg pulling in my series. Years ago when I was first dating Mrs Z, she and my sister's boyfriend were over my parents house for a big 4th of July party. It was probably the 3rd or 4th time each of them had been at the house. So this is what happens:

Me: (to future Ms. Z and boyfriend): So did Julie tell you two about the speech?

Ms Z: What speech?

Me: The 4th of July speech.

Boyfriend: What are you talking about.

Me: My Dad is really patriotic so every 4th of July, before he plays some patriotic songs on the clarinet, he asks that new people do a speech about what America means to them.

Ms Z: Are you kidding?

Me: Well it's not really a speech, you just have to tell some things about why you think America is great, or 4th of July memories. Stuff like that. But you should make some notes because it's got to be like five minutes long. And don't make a mockery of it while you're doing it because...well.....just don't.

Boyfriend: Five minutes each?

Me: Yeah each or you can do it together. Either way, you guys should start thinking of some things because you have to be ready right before dinner. We'll be doing it in the living room. That's the tradition.

I let them suffer for about five minutes then I told them I was kidding. Suckaaaaas.

Superstar Blogger Surprises All And Receives Award

First of all, I win so many awards and I'm asked to do so many memes that I just can't follow through with all of them. It's kind of like when the president gets millions of letters and they just stamp his signature on some and incinerate others. There's just not enough time in the day.

But I'll accept this one. It's from Chris at Insane Thoughts and Insane Ramblings. He's been a longtime reader. Check out his Tennessee based blog. Good stuff including some good BBQ tips.

So the original instructions are here, and if you win, make sure to add your name and blog link on their blog. Because you know that when it comes to links, that's what it's all about. And of course the Hokey Pokey

So in an effort to share the love and show you some newer blogs I've been reading, or blogs I haven't mentioned in a while - here you go:

The Tambourine Queen - Chele is without a doubt my favorite International Model that lives in Thailand and used to be in a Pop band. Check out her blog. She writes some really interesting stuff from her life.

Bad Mutha Fudruckers - From Wilmington, NC, this blogger also has an interesting blog about her real life. And tons of pics of her dogs.

Bug Eyed Blog - Love this blog. Great posts and lots of great movie reviews.

Secret Life of Tova Darling -Tova used to have a blog until her bitchy mother-in-law started reading it. Did she give up? Nope. She started this anonymous blog.

Untitled Blogger Project - Every time I read his blog I realize how crappy of a writer I am. Check out his blog - live from Hollywood.

The Life of Sass - Another interesting blogger that also has a really interesting writing style. And she's got 73 followers. As of this writing, I only have 72. Holy Cow!

So there you go. And for the winners that don't feel like passing on the award, I will shed no tears.

The Greatest Christmas Gift of All - A Video Featuring Me

To know me is to love me. And to really know me, is to know that I really love me. And chicks and red wine and crawfish and laughing at people with weird features and dining alfresco...OK....back on track.

Another thing I love is when people give me the respect that we all know I deserve. Even though I have this Elvis sized blog, it touches my tiny, dark heart when the little people mention my blog - or better yet, when they go above and beyond the call of duty. Take for instance the new blogger Scope. He had the smarts to make a really cool Christmas video featuring himself, Gwen and me. Check it out by clicking here.

Thanks Scope.

Attention Designers - Here's A Million Dollar Idea For You

I have to admit that I'm a little embarrassed wearing by my "Gas, Grass or Ass, No One Rides For Free" belt buckle around these days. The aged bronze buckle with 70's font looks so dated, and frankly, takes away from the message. If anyone hears of a current one in the pipeline by perhaps Hugo Boss or Thom Browne please let me know.

Thanks.

Ricardo Montelban Was One Smooth Operator

In high school, one of the cars I used to drive was the Chrysler Cordoba. In addition to the huge V8 engine, one of the benefits was being able to say to the ladies, "Would you like to have a seat on my soft Corinthian leather?" Just try and tell me that Ricardo Montelban doesn't make the car seem pretty cool in this commercial. I dare you.

Except how much cooler would it have been if my best friend was a white tuxedo wearing midget who addressed me as, "Hey Boss" (pronounced: Both)? Yup. At least 5 times cooler.

Need Suggestions For Beer Exchange. IPA. Stout. Porter

So Sunday is our West Whiteland neighborhood's 4th annual beer exchange. Everyone (dudes only) will bring a cooler full of beer and we'll drink some of it while we watch the Eagles lose. When it's time to leave, you load up you cooler with various types of beer from the various coolers.

Does anyone want to give any suggestions? There are tons of things I like but maybe I'll use one of your suggestions. Except nothing wheat or lambic. And nothing like Pumpkin Ale either.

My preference would be an IPA, Stout or Porter.

Famous Blogger To Stage Partidge Family Tribute

Holy cow. Look there on the side bar. I've got 70 followers! And I think I love you. Most of you. So in honor of how huge I am, I'm going to be whipping up a little re-enactment of the famous Partridge Family Song, "I Think I Love you". Check it out and let me know if you'd like a part in this soon to be historic production. The following roles are already taken:

The dreamy Keith Partridge - Will be played by yours truly. Except I'm gonna "man it up a bit".
Ruben Kinkade - Will be played by Some Guy if agrees to shave his beard and wear elevator shoes.
The guy next to Ruben Kinkade - Will be played by McGone because he's one of the only readers that's a guy and has dark hair.
Danny Partidge - Will be played by Anonymous since he's such a huge fan of Danny Bonaduce (even though I just realized he's removed his blog. What up with that Anonymous?)



I think the most sought after roles will be the part of Lauri and the chick in the video hiding behind the streamers and admiring David Cassidy. I will be conducting private casting meetings in the near future so make sure you're all properly groomed , well rested and prepared.

Sometimes You People Don't Appreciate Your Lives

Many people go about their lives bitching and complaining. They don't think how awful some people have it. A real life nightmare that I lived through happened this morning. I looked out the window and Chester County had a surprise snow storm. When I opened my car door, some of the snow fell on the seat and I actually sat on some of it. It gets worse. I didn't have a scraper so I had to use a rolled up newspaper. Then, to top it all off, the traffic was terrible*. I'm asking that everyone buy a mylar balloon to be released at exactly at noon today. If I look out of my window at 12:01 and see some balloons I may be able to carry on.

*Do you see that cemetery? It's the one on Route 100. You know, the one where I was singing and I may have ruined the fun that mourners were having at that funeral. I wrote about it in this post.

How to Get Dumped By Someone By Mastering This..

While driving the other day, I was trying to make this face that Jerry Blank made one time while she was dancing. As I looked in the mirror I realized how unbelievably ugly it made me look. I know. Me? But while doing it I had an epiphany. With a few modifications, I think I've come up with the perfect expression that will make anyone want to break up with you.

First, here is the face. It's very important to look in the mirror while trying to master this look so you can get the full effect:

1) Using your tongue, push your lower lip out as far as you can. Kind of like when someone puts a piece of orange in their mouth.
2) Tilt your head slightly and do the thing where it looks like you don't have a chin.
3) Cross you eyes but only the slightest crossing you can do or else it will look like you're just making a joke.
4) Now shrug your shoulders. Stay with me. We're almost home.
5) Breath heavily from your nose and nod your head slightly.
6) Finally, very softly, every once in a while say, "Aww that's it. Yeah you got it."
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Yup. A fucking ugly monster. Holy shit. I'm getting skeeved out just thinking about you. Go ahead, sneak another peak.

Now the key is to use this expression during sex, when being introduced to his or her friends, and a few times a week when reading and you come across something interesting or slightly humorous. When asked why you're suddenly making this face, say nothing. Just silently shed a tear, walk briskly to a bathroom and lock yourself in.

Hey! Look At The Adventures We Really Didn't Have!

If you remember, Poobomber from the blog, The Other Side of Normal, won my contest the other day. The grand prize was five emails from me detailing the adventures we'd have if I'd actually come down from my mighty throne and decided to take on a new friend. Well, he's actually turned these BFF adventures into a masterpiece by capturing photos of the great time we never really had. And he somehow got actor Bill Pullman to play the part of me - Dr Zibbs. So check it out.

Click here to see part one
Click here to see part two

Click here to see part three

I wonder who will be in the final two installments? Maybe it'll be you. Or you....Or even YOU!

Thanksgiving Is Gonna Be Way Better This Year

Imagine the horror when I was flipping through the Bed, Bath and Beyond circular and I see this contraption for inserting stuffing into a turkey. It's called a stuffing cage. WHAT THE HELL? Is this is the most obscene food photo you've ever seen? Is there anyway to shove this thing inside a bird without moaning, "Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh! Owwww. Rub some more butter on my sides - it's too BIG!"

I'll be heading to my inventor's workshop* tonight to put together prototypes for two accoutrements for this turkey cage: Mini Drumstick Cuffs and Tom Turkey Ball Gag. I said it once and I said it before, "I'm gonna be rich!"

*To see one of my other inventions, click here.

I Need To Get A Life - The Chicks Are Making Me Nuts

This was my night. It's hard being a famous rock star celebrity blogger. But I've got to keep my public happy.

Here's A Blog That You Should Add To Your Reader

I have over 100 blogs in my Google reader. I need to delete some because I don't have time to read them all. One that I won't be deleting is Fonzie Sox. Most of the posts are a cool, weird or quirky picture followed by a few sentences. A nice relief from some of the novels that some bloggers - including me - post. Quick reading and always entertaining.

Go check it out and tell her Zibbs sent ya'.

I Will Now Announce the Winner of My Blog Friend Contest

Oh it's a big day here at That Blue Yak because I'm going to announce the winners of my Dr Zibbs is My Best Friend Contest. First of all, the winner gets to say to others "Dr Zibbs is my best friends." Now let's make it clear that in no way will I say or imply that YOU are my best friend because my 4 BFF's are:

- Falwless - because in June she wrote BFF next to my name on her blog roll.

- Lydia and Candy - Lydia asked if we could be best friends and Candy gave me an award for being BFF. It's official because it looked like a credit card.

- Gwen - Because everyone knows that we have the special blog bond. Not unlike the bond that Unicorns and trolls have in real life.

With that out of the way, the 3 runner ups are:


Amy (new commentor from the blog Mish Mash) - this one is about us going home on the bus together, roller skating and braiding each others hair. It had me cracking up. Go check it out.

Gwen - Because this scenario will probably happen someday.

Scope - (new blogger from the blog Scope Tech) -just had me laughing. I like the Pied Piper part.

And the winner is:

Poobomber for "A day in the life of you and I". Well done my friend. And in addition to writing the story, he later retold it using pictures of him and me (played by actor Bill Pullman). You can see this amazing photo essay here.

And I like to say that all of the other stories were great. Seriously, very good. Except for that dumb ass Bizarro Zibbs because he takes my name in vain and can't think of his own original name.

So good luck everyone and feel free to leave your acceptance speeches or whine in the comments area.

Make Sure You Know How to Order At Geno's Steaks

Blogging about cheesesteaks the other day got me thinking about another practical joke I did. Well, not really a practical joke, more of "pulling of someone's leg" I guess you would call it.

The Scene: Geno's Steaks (Cheesesteaks) in South Philly. It was over a holiday break from college. My friend Flare had brought his friend Woody from Georgetown to stay over his house for the weekend. After a night of drinking, we end up at Geno's Steaks in South Philly.

If you've never been to Geno's Steaks, it's a cheesesteak stand. At 3:00 on a Saturday night there can be 50-100 drunk people in line so you have to be prepared to order quickly. And if you don't order correctly they get pissed and yell at you. I can't stress enough that these people have no sense of humor. Think Soup Nazi but Italian and 300 pounds.

A correct way to order would be like this: Large steak wit wiz and onions (this means with cheese wiz and onions) and a large coke. The second after ordering you then walk down the line to pick up your order. When you're ordering, you have a pissed off thug looking back at you through a tiny window.

So Woody's heard what the ordering is like. He's a bit nervous about ordering so I explain the whole thing. Then, this happens right before he gets to the window:

Me: ..oh yeah. And there's one more thing. If you say, "City of Brotherly Love", you get free fries.
Woody: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Cheesesteak Nazi: NEXT!
Woody: (Leans toward window nervously and starts order) ..Um yes...I'll have a large cheesesteak wit onions and wiz and a small coke. City of Brotherly Love.
Cheesesteak Nazi: (yelling order to cook) Large cheese wit onion and wiz!.....NEXT!
Me: He didn't hear you say the end part.
Woody: City of Brotherly Love.
Cheesesteak Nazi: (getting annoyed at Woody)..OK buddy ..NEXT!
Me: (Out of the corner of my mouth) No. You've got to yell it to the guy cooking or it won't count.
Woody: (leans his head inside the window) CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE! EXCUSE ME..CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE!
Cheesesteak Nazi: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!...NEXT!

Everyone inside and outside the place is looking at Woody. We move down the line to pick up our order. Woody looks a bit confused as to why everyone is looking at him.

Me: Oh yeah. I just remembered. That thing about the brotherly love? I just made that up.

Museum Bidding War For Blogger Envelope Ends

So the always funny blogger and super cool chick Whiskey Marie sent me a personal letter a few weeks ago and I thought I'd share the envelope with you before I donate it to the Smithsonian.

She knows me well. I live in PA. I wear underwear sometimes. I enjoy laughing at people that put things in their noses. And I hate canned and bottled beets with everything in my soul. I'm betting that the beet image was a joke.

What would you mail me if you were lucky enough to have my address?

Blogger Announces Best Friend Contest For People With No Friends

OK. First of all, for the winners of my last contest, I didn't forget to mail your prizes. I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I'll do it shortly.

Now for my amazing new contest. It's called, The Dr Zibbs is My Best Friend Contest. Here's how it will work.

- Tell me in the comments section what a day would be like if you and I were friends. Would we fly off to a remote area in Greece and explore the land on donkeys? The funny looking donkey's that wear the straw hats with their ears peaking through? Would we drop milkshakes off of the second floor of a mall onto the heads of some jerks? Would we be getting it on? Would we eat BLT's but we'd do that thing where we kind of link arms around each other? Would we pull a heist? I'm talking excitement people.

- Once you leave a comment, are you done? What if you think of something better? Well, I will accept multiple submissions. Take as much space as you wish. In fact, the more detailed the scenario, the better your chance of winning.

- I will give everyone about a day, but once you see me write, "CONTEST CLOSED" in the comments section, it's officially closed. So don't start your bawlin'.

- I will pick three runner ups (losers). The prize will be me saying their name, out loud while sitting at my computer like this: "Blogger #5 is my friend". I will not record the vocalization and nobody will probably hear it, but you'll have my word that your name was said out loud by me - a very famous, rockstarlike blog celebrity.

And the Grand Prize Winner will receive at least 5 emails from me recapping a great day we really didn't have but we would have had if I really wanted to be friends with you. You're free to post these emails on your own blog - which will bring you tons of blog traffic - or simply print the emails out, cut then into the shape of hearts and rose petals and roll around in them. The choice is yours.

And one more thing, feel free to trash the ideas of other bloggers if you sense that their scenarios are full of shit.

I'll Be Needing Everyone To Pitch In and Help

See that tree to the left? It's a Silver Maple. I have eight in my yard. They sure do drop a lot of leaves. Do you see that spot right there in my driveway? That's where my car was! Can you grasp what type of leaf situation I've got here? God it's going to take me forever to rake up all of those leaves. I wish I had someone to help me.....

OK dummies I know you can't take a hint so I'll just come out with it. I'm going to need everyone to help me pick these leaves up. I'm going to assign the following bloggers to be team captains:

Chris - Blue Team

Giggle Pixie - Plaid Team

Sista #2 - Team Bud

Enc - Team Armani

When you're finished, call me on my cell. I'll be at Victory Beer sucking back a few Storm King Stouts. Now get to work!

Funny Karate Kid Mash Up Found On The YouTube

I've go to tell you that I really love some of these mashups that people have been putting on YouTube. If I weren't so lazy, I'd make one myself.

This Karate Kid mash up is so stupid that it's funny. The voice of Ralph Macchio is just absurd. And pretty funny appearance by Tony Danza.

West Chester, Food, Bars And Stalking Locations

So here are some random food and bar notes about downtown West Chester, PA. This is the first of a multi part series. If you're not from West Chester, click on the links to view the images and see what you're missing.

Doc MaGrogans Oyster House - On Monday's they have $1 oysters and $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pounders. Awwww yeah!

Sprazzo Cafe -Great big comfy chairs on the second floor and free wireless. And this loft is perfect for spying down on the locals. I like to tap on the window when I see someone I know or would like to know then duck. (See the picture above). Next time I'm there I'd like to also look out the window creepily at someone and then when they tap their friends to look, I duck. Then of course take another peek once their friends stop looking but they take one more peak back. Oh yeah. And I might do that thing where you run your index finger across your neck like you're going to kill them. It depends on the person and what my lawyer advises.

West Chester Scoop - The new donut machine is visible from the big window out front. I like to put my nose against the window and stare at it, mouthing, "I'm hunnnnnnngry". I've been hoping to be shooed away with a broom but they don't seem to mind. Probably because it's me.

Starbucks - The one on Gay and High has these great comfortable mini chair couch things. The perfect seat for the midgets or people over 6'8".

New Haven Style Pizza - This Church Street Pizza place has great personal pan pizzas.

Barnaby's - The second floor bar is one of the coolest bars - for mood - in West Chester. I like their outside bar too.

The Square Bar - Best bar in West Chester for no frills relaxed fun. Even royalty like me feels at home. And best place to play American darts. You never know who you'll find there.

Burger King - Longest, most ridiculous wait for drive through ever. Bring a razor because by the time you get to the window you'll have grown a full beard.

The Rat - The Rat, across from WCU , has been closed for years now but at least 75 local people still have major bowel issues from their Thursday night 25 cents Genesee Cream ale special.

High Street Cafe - I had one of my best meals ever here. Blackened Tuna smothered with Crawfish Au gratin.

Iron Hill Brewery - Get a mug club card. The cost is $40. You get a point for every dollar spent. They start you with 200 points. Everytime you get 300 points you get a $25 gift card. You get to drink out of a special mug that's larger than the average pint but you only pay for a pint.

That's it for now.

Baby Cakes Video And A Weekend Problem

Well it's the weekend so it's time as usual to start things out with a song. Here's another great video from Brad Neely that you have to watch. It's so funny that it makes me want to kill something! When you're done watching that, see below for a very serious weekend issue.



So here's the problem. A neighbor invited us to a local benefit. There's a silent auction and it's only $10 to get in. Light food and beer. But I just found out it's to benefit Special People - (raises one brow and talks a bit softer and slower) - you know what I mean by "special" don't you?

Well, you know that I have a fear of these special people. Sure, I discuss them from the safety of my blog but that doesn't mean that I need to interact with them in real life. I like lions too but you don't see me entering their cages. No. I'd rather safely poke them with a stick from the outside of the cage thank you.

So, does anyone have any ideas I can use to repel the Special People in case they want to approach me? And they will. Are there certain colors that they fear, a look I can cast or phrase to mumble to them? Something like, "Better get out of here. I heard there's a werewolf coming in here." Any tricks to give them the hint of "No thanks - move onto the next guy please".

I just have this crazy feeling that one of the Specials is going to see me from across the room and want to come over and hug me. Trust me. I've just got that look.

What Will Happen In The Future? Cartoons Tell Us

If you haven't heard of Brad Neely, get with it. Check out this video about the Future. It's from a website called SuperDeluxe. And it's kind of a shame because I read that they're closing down the site soon.

Warning: Contains language that is not safe for work or church. For those of you that are reading this at work or church, make sure to view it when you get home because it's a hilarious video.

Hey! Look At That Guy With The Huge Beak!

Did you know that this week is National Children's Book Week? Years ago, I used buy books at sales and then sell the books on Amazon. It was kind of an obsesson. Along the way, I picked up a great amount of books for my own Zibbs library. One of the beauties is called, "Why Does That Man Have Such A Big Nose?"

The book is to help children understand that people are different. People come in all different shapes and sizes, wear different clothes and behave in different ways. I'm glad they explained that on the back cover because I thought it was a joke book. And for the record, I still think they should have called it, "Hey...Get a Load of Fatso!*"

*This is a quote from The Honeymooners where Norton and Ralph are planning to stage a fight, and this was the line that was to be used as a code. This is also a phrase that I say, usually to myself, when I see a fat guy. Except last week, I was getting pizza in Exton at Rocco's and I saw a fatty and I said it out loud. Luckily my car windows weren't down.

Dear Dr Zibbs - Advice For My Readers

So a few days ago I told readers I would use my brain to help them with their problems. And can I just tell you that I was overwhelmed by the response? Carl in the mailroom could barely keep up. So I'll do a few posts over the next several days and answer some of the inquiries. Here we go.

Dear Dr Zibbs,
If I were to marry a US citizen purely based on green card purposes, do you think I should marry a straight or gay man? old? young? fat? dwarf? handicapped?
What pros and cons do you think it could bring me. Should I pay to marry them or they pay to marry me?...such a dilemma as you can clearly understand.

Thank you very much dear dr.zibbs

The tambourine queen

enclosed is a picture taken today by me of a very famous Thai models cleavage.
NO, it is not me...I only wish I could have her milk buckets. It is Thailands nicest pair of breasts

Tambourine Queen,

Sometimes I like to find the answers within the questions, which is why I printed your email out, ripped it up and flung the pieces across my parlour. The following is what randomly landed in front of me: "old fat handicapped dwarf." Don't be fooled though. Although the dwarf head is three times the size of a human head, their brains are often the size of a peas. I'm not saying they're not smart, I just wanted to point out that their brains were the size of peas.

As for the payment, a few pairs of nicely made Italian leather shoes should cover things. Just make sure that the tips are curled and that there are clearly defined ridges that make up stripes on the shoes because the first thing a dwarf does when he gets new shoes is paint them bright red or green. And the ridges just make the painting go a bit easier. Come to think of it, get the shoes at Payless. They're going to be destroyed anyway.

Dear Dr Zibbs,
Geno's or Pat's steaks. Wit or Wit-out? Sharp or mild?

Philly #1

Philly #1,
You are of course referring to the famous cheese steak houses of Philadelphia. And my answer is, I alternate between Pat's and Geno's and I always get onions wit (with cheese wiz). For some reason, these are the only two places I get cheese whiz on my steaks. I guess I'm a traditionalist. As for my sitting area, I like to lean up against the concrete wall right next to Geno's.

Dear Dr. Zibbs,
I am in the market for a new plunger. I literally go through about two of these a week. I suffer from a rare digestive disorder that necessitates using one 10-12 times a day on average. I'm wondering if you can make any recommendations. Is there a brand-name you prefer? What should I be looking for. I really want the next one I buy to be the last. The people at the hardware store are starting to look at me funny.

Sincerely,
Clogged in Cleveland (Some Guy)

ps: To expedite your response I have included a picture of my girlfriend per your request. She is a fox if I do say so myself!

Dear Clogged In Cleveland,
The ageless toilet plunger question. Times may change but our basic problems don't. Do they? The problem my friend is not the plunger. It's not even your crappy diet. Take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself. Keep looking. You found the answer haven't you? Yup. It's your grip on the handle. Use the "western grip" which uses the strength of your thumb on the handle which naturally pivots the plunger with the force of gravity as you plunge. And if you really practice, you can do it one handed - which is nice. It frees up the other hand for eating a sandwich, tapping on the window sill or flicking things.

And the picture you enclosed? That was Phoebe Cates. Nice try.

The Funniest YouTube Chubby Chaser Video I've Seen So Far

Last night this was my prayer: Dear Jesus, will you please have that actress that played Henrietta Hippo from the New Zoo Review go on to a cheese ball public access channel and dance while a smoove ("smooth" to squares) brother dances around her and she sings a song about chubby chasers?

Well, maybe long time reader of my blog Micgar is Jesus because on his blog today he has this.

If you believe in Jesus and you want to see something funny as hell, check out the vid and tell him Zibbs sent ye'.