Scary and Creepy Santa Jamboree! Ho, Ho, Kill? Christmas Nightmares.

Here's a nice collection of creepy and scary Santas to haunt your dreams. Which is your favorite?


"Cindy. Now I told you. Don't talk. Just look at the camera and I might return you to your family. IF...they're still alive."



(In robot voice) "MUST KILL!"



There's something very fishy about that glove.



Do you know why there's a "no face here" sign? Because she actually has no face. Damn you Santa! How could you?!



"I am your honorable Santa. You will be very pleased with the various fine clothing products I shall bring that are made from the finest silks from far away lands".




Yeah right. What Santa holds a staff like that? Look at the dainty finger positioning. You know he's about to break into song and dance.

Nuttin' For Christmas Is A Great Album. Puppets. Crappy.

Kristen, over at the new West Chester blog Enough Hats for Everyone just wrote a post about Christmas Albums .

I love some of the old covers. So I did a quick search of Christmas album covers and look at the gem I found:




It's Kenny And Corky! I have no idea who they are but just look at how craptacular they are! They're just sitting there singing Christmas carols. Look at em' go!

And look at the title. Instead of "Nothing" for Christmas, it's called "Nuttin'" for Christmas.

I need to find this album and make it a new family listening favorite.

Worst Impressions. Gay Christmas. Julie Andrews.

What. The. Hell. Is. This?

Worst impressions ever.

I'm A Very Gifted Ventriloquist - A Natural If You Will

So yesterday at my sister's house for Christmas I was inspecting the gifts that my nephews received and to my delight, and to the delight of everyone there, do you know what I found? Did you guess a Danny O'Day Ventriloquist dummy? If you did, you're right. The same one I told you about a few post ago. Remember I told you I got one in 5th grade?

Now I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of a natural. I'm not too good at keeping my lips from moving but I'm pretty skilled at insulting people and coming up with rude things to say on the fly. So much so that people were getting mad at me and running away.

I'm much better than this guy Jeff Dunham:

Wow! I Can't Believe This Christmas Morning!

A plane? Seriously everyone. You went way overboard. I don't know who organized it but when I went out in my front yard this morning and there was a That Blue Yak plane? I couldn't believe it. Thanks!

Now I'm not trying to be an ingrate but fuel is very expensive. Are there gift cards hidden somewhere for jet fuel that I should know about?

Last Minute Christmas Ideas For Cheap People

So I'm sure everyone's about to start their Christmas Shopping. Here are a few gift ideas that will save you a bit of time and money:

1) Make a phony, "I named a star after you " certificate. Go to the window, look up and say, "..there she is..nope..sorry..there she is. Right there. Next to that one. Yeah. She is a beauty." Are they really going to check?

2) What can you wrap around your house? This is a tough one as it's best to actually stage a burglary and steal some select items. Then, rewrap the gifts you stole and write on the card that you searched everywhere to find the exact items and that maybe this is the greatest Christmas ever because "someone can steal 'things' but they can't steal my heart". (This makes no sense but they'll be so excited they won't even think about your babble).

3) Simply write, "The magic of Christmas - believe" on construction paper. Write it in a fancy font and when they open it, put your hand on the back of their head and say, "I believe. Do you?" Then look into the distance. This will only work on artsy type of people. Most people will say, "Oh I believe. I believe you better go get my damn present." So think this one out.

4) Write, "The gift of........" on a piece of paper. As they read it, motion the homeless people that you've threatened with jail time to come in and start dancing. When they're finished with their train wreck of a dance, turn to the person you gave the gift to and say, "I think it is the thought that counts. Don't you?"

Merry Christmas everyone from me to you!

Don't Have A Terrible, Sad and Heartbreaking Christmas

So I hope you don't have a Christmas like the one I had in 5th grade. (warning: sad story ahead. Get tissues ready and prepare to feel sorry for me).

You see, I had gotten in the habit of sneaking into my parent's attic before Christmas to see what I was getting. So I go up there and there's this huge box. This box was the shape of a refrigerator box but a bit smaller. Probably the size of a casket you'd bury a dwarf in. A little bigger than that. A dwarf wearing platform shoes and an Abe Lincoln hat. Yeah, that big of a box. What? I'm trying to set the scene.

Anyways, on the gigantic box are these kids sitting at a command center. It looked like friggin' NASA, but with 70's kids.

"Ready for blast off Timmy?"

"Over and out Jeffrey."

It was some type of telescope command center. It was at the back of the attic so I was too nervous to climb to the back and see exactly what it was.

So Christmas morning comes and I open my regular presents. The Panapet, Panasonic Ball radio (see picture above). Danny O'Day dummy. Mad Magazine books. But where the hell was my space command center?

So after looking all over I then asked my parents,

Me: Is that it?

Mom: Is that it? Look at all the stuff you got.

Me: What about that huge space center?

Mom: What?

Me: That huge box in the attic with the kids working on those huge machines.

Mom: Oh that. That was your cousin Mark's from years ago. I needed a really big box last time I was at your Aunt Margarete's so she gave me the box. Did you want one of those*?

Me: (close up of confused face - camera zooms in closer to show empty feeling - super close up of eyes turning slightly teary) Oh. (sadness and disappointment suppress deep, deep inside the little boy's soul)

.....And Merry Christmas!

*In way, I guess we all lost on that day. Could you imagine if I had gotten that thing? And I got totally into science? Imagine how space travel, robots and all things sciencey might be different today. We'll never know.

Here's a Christmas Message From Me To You - Kind of

So Chris from the blog Some Guy's blog has done a Christmas video message to all of his blog readers. Since we have many of the same readers, please view his Christmas message here and pretend it's from me. If your name is not mentioned by him, simply say it out loud at the end.

If you're Jewish, Happy Hanuka. I'm not sure if Chris is anti-Semitic, is afraid of Jewish people or he just forgot. He probably just forgot. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, you receive no holiday wishes as that holiday is just stupid.

I Can't Believe Santa Would Sing This Song About Sucking

Now this Christmas song is just fresh. But pretty catchy.

*warning* foul language

Crappy Toy Countdown to Christmas - Dark Shadows

That Blue Yak introduces it's "Crappy Toy Countdown to Christmas". The first "toy" on the list, the Dark Shadows Groovy Horror Heads. The anti climatic tone is set when the door opens and a pillow takes center state. We particularly love the line, "Like Dark Shadows on TV". A little tip for you Centsable Toys,the following things are NOT toys: stools, coasters, coffee tables and yes...pillows.



Speaking of pillows, check out this link to learn more about "Professional Pillow Fighting" http://www.gopfl.com/