I've Got A Confession. Movies. Does God Hate Me Now? Take THAT Hollywood!

Shhhhh. I've got a confession.

Sometimes I sneak into movie theaters without paying. Well "sneak" sounds so...sneaky so lets just say I walk in pretending that I may have paid.

It all started about eight or nine months ago. I was going to the movies and I had to take a number one so I just walked past the paying booth and into the bathroom. When I came out I noticed that there was no person standing there to tear the ticket so I just kind of walked in. I did get nervous though. I would have been mortified if the usher came in and busted me. I concocted a story in my head that I was meeting someone there and she already paid for tickets and she was late so I just went into the movie*. Then I figured I would just sneak out when he left.

I've probably done it about ten times. But I'm not sure I'm going to do it anymore because I have this fear that they've been videotaping me every time and when the cops come they're going to ask me if I've ever done it before. And of course I'll say no. But then they'll show me a compilation of me sneaking in every time. And I'll have to be like, "Nope. That's not me."

And they'll be like, "Sir you're wearing the same shirt."

"Um...it's a popular shirt?" Trust me. They'll break me in a minute. I'm a terrible liar.

To tell you the truth though I don't feel that guilty though. The way I rationalize it is that the studio gets 95% of the money from the ticket sales. And with some of the terrible movies I have to sit through maybe I deserve a few free movies. And also, I do write about movies on my blog here. Which sends people to the movies. And are they paying me for this? No. Are they reaping the benefits? Yes. Slavery ended years ago Hollywood! Who am I? Kunta Kinte?

As for the theater, they make all their money from the food. But they mark up their popcorn 900%! Whuuuuu???!!! It's true. And plus I'm in the theater yucking it up thus making the movie experience that much better for paying customers. Do I charge for that? No I do not. And it's not like I stole a candy bar and they have one less candy bar. The seat was going to be there whether my supple ass was in it or not.

OK so that's my rationalization.

*My backup excuse is to look confused and say, "Oh my God I....I can't believe I did that! I was in the bathroom and came out and wasn't thinking." You know. Act dumb.

Thoughts On Single Women Wanting To Get Laid. Sarah Tiana. Picking Up Women In Hotel Bars.

Does that woman above look familiar? Her name is Sarah Tiana and she's a comic. I've heard her on a few podcasts and thought she seemed super sweet and cool. And she's funny. Smart. Cute.

Well she was on Ari Sharrif's podcast* and although they've been friends for 10 years he had no idea that she wasn't the innocent girl he thought she was. Because she revealed that she constantly hooks up with guys. And she doesn't just go out to a bar and then hook up with a guy she accidentally meets. She goes to places specifically to meet a guy to hook up with. And she goes out by herself.

And it brings up the whole discussion of why is nothing negative thought of men when they sleep around but women are considered sluts? I personally don't think that way but a lot of people do. And she made no apologies for it either. She also said she doesn't hook up with just any guy. If the guy doesn't dress well there's no chance. And if she really likes the guy and there is a chance that they might date she won't sleep with him either. Her whole attitude is that, "I want to get laid so I go out and meet a guy for that reason."

And here's where she totally won me over. Her favorite place to meet someone to hook up with? Hotel bars. I totally agree! The people there are traveling through, they usually have good jobs and there is a room nearby. And may I add that if there is a trade show in town or a convention that your odds go up. It will all be in my "How to meet women"** book if I ever decide to write it (I'll probably just publish it as an ebook).

Oh and she also has a quality that I love in women. She loves sex but you would have no idea just looking at her or having a random conversation with her. 

So what are your thoughts on this?

*For a link to the podcast episode click here.
**Quick tip for meeting someone at a hotel bar: When you walk into a bar do a quick scan and see if there is someone attractive sitting alone. If there's a seat next to them sit there and say hi right away. If there isn't, sit where they can see you. But before you do that stand up for a bit until they see you then smile at them. And if there is something weird on TV or a loud annoying person there you can give her a non verbal expression of, "What the hell is THAT about?" Then you won't feel as nervous when you walk over and talk to her. Pretty obvious but you have to be always thinking people.

Masked Creepers. Who Do YOU Pick?

Look at those creepy kids! Which one of these masked freaks would you not want haunting your dreams? Also, im posting this draft from my phone so fogive the formatting issues. And one more thing. Ive added a bonus picture of a dude with his fox head. Whats up with that?

Man Never Ate Cottage Cheese. Other Food Things. Zagnut Bar.

Some random thoughts on food:

- Do you know what food I've never eaten? Cottage cheese. And I have no desire to ever try it. And I might even like it. Something about it grosses me out.

- I've also never had rhubarb or a date. And I've never eaten goat or rabbit. But these are all things that I would try. And did you know that goat is the most consumed meat in the world?

- I haven't seen anyone eating a Zagnut candy bar in years. Not sure if they even still make them.

- I have no use for coconut.


- I want to start eating more papaya. Maybe make a salsa with it and put it over fish.

- Stouffer's Lasagna isn't bad when in a bind. But I can't think of any other frozen food dinners I would ever buy. Brand of frozen food dinners I should say.

- Ellio's Pizza is the worst. I'm not sure how they even sell it. Not only does it burn the hell out of the roof of your mouth but it tastes like thick cardboard with crappy sauce and cheese. Here's what it looks like:

And that concludes my worst post ever. It was kind of Larry Kingish don't you think? When he lists off random crap in his newspaper column?

And one more thing. Please leave any suggestions for posts in the comments area. Or questions that you have for me that I can write as a post.If I use it I'll give a link to your blog.

West Chester Blogger Focuses On One Aspect Of Jesus Dummy LP. Nervous Barber.

Of all the weirdness in this album cover the first thing I thought was, "Man that dummy is totally wearing a wig."

And a wig in the style of maybe 1977?

I wonder if there was ever a ventriloquist that was embarrassed to bring his dummy onstage because the hair of his dummy was too outdated. "I can't do it! I look like a fool!"

So then he brought the dummy to a barber shop to get it cut but felt weird so he said that the dummy was really his kid and that the kid gets nervous around barbers and just clams up and doesn't talk so, "Could you just kindly get on with the haircut without asking any questions?"

The barber then nervously cuts the hair of the boy who just stares ahead. The barber's hands a' shakin'. Sweat dripping down his face.

Who Would YOU Like to Have Drinks With? Geri Jewell. David Doyle.Facts of Life.

Imagine if I could arrange a night of drinks with you and a washed up annoying celebrity. And before you get excited YOU'RE paying. Would that "celebrity" be.....

Geri Jewell (the one on the left) from The Facts of Life? (note how she doesn't know where the camera is. Also, a little support I think is needed in the chestal area)

Your second choice is David Doyle from Charlie's Angels. Remember, you'll have to listen to that voice of his while trying not to stare at his mole.

And lastly, this chick from the show Alice. I forget her name right now. Probably because I couldn't stand that show. Except I always found it funny that people thought the catchphrase, "Mel, Kiss My Grits" was funny. So edgy.

And once you pick your celebrity please feel free to tell me what types of questions you would ask them. And other important details. Perhaps you would present Geri Jewell with some cerebral palsy jokes that she could use in her act like, "I'm looking for a fwend named Wattle and Woll so we can be like a Bill Haley and the Comets song. Shake, Wattle and Woll. I'll be Shake. Get it?"*

OK tell me that joke is not as good or better than one of her jokes. Hmmm? Hmmm?

*When presenting this "joke" to Geri it's important to tell it while standing up. Then, once you deliver the killer punch line you have to smile with satisfaction and wait for laughter. You may be waiting for a bit but....+

I Want To Do This In A Movie Theater. Jeffrey Dean Morgan And Javier Bardem Twins.

I went last week to see the movie The Possession with my daughter. Meh. It was OK. Some scary parts. She was really scared though.

I was telling her that whenever I see a horror movie in the theater and there are only a few people in there I think about this thing I want to do. About half way though the movie I want to stand up. Then I just stand for about a minute. Then I slooooooooowly walk toward the back of the theater. Then I walk and sit behind two people and sit directly behind them without saying a thing.

What do you think they would do? Would they get up and leave? Would they say anything? Maybe if they didn't say anything after a few minutes I would put my hand on one of their shoulders. Or just whisper, "It's about to happen." What do think?

And holy crap! I just discovered this when putting the link up there for The Possession! The lead in it was Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Here's his picture:

I totally thought it was Javier Bardem (the No Country For Old Men) actor! Look at his picture:

They look like identical twins!! Am I right?? But guess what? I just Googled both of their names and put in the word "twins" and a million other people think this as well. I guess I'm late to the party on this one.

Help Me Build The Zibbswich Sammie! Pork Shoulder Sandwich Creation.

If you follow me on Twitter @DrZibbs you might recall that I started to develop a sandwich that I'll be calling the Zibbswich. The early prototype was just OK so here's an updated potential list of ingredients. Feel free to let me know any ingredients that you would add, delete or substitute.

OK. Here we go....

Pork shoulder smoked on grill or slow roasted.
Roll (A seeded one)
Garlic, mushrooms and shallots (saute in oil then deglaze with white wine).
Long hots.
Cheese (but sharp provolone is always used on pork so I think I want something gooey. Any suggestions?)

And the secret ingredient is: ROASTED RED PEPPER SAUCE.

And I'm thinking of adding coleslaw but I don't think that would work.

I might also try a variation where I don't add the roasted red pepper sauce but I had really spicy baked beans to the top. I'm note sure if I've ever seen baked beans on a sandwich. 

It's A Cookbook! Scary Moments As A Kid. The Devil's Rain. To Serve Man.

Remember those moments as a child when you watch something on TV and it scares you so badly you look back and think, "I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack."

The other day I was thinking of when my son and I were on a run of watching horror movies. My son was about nine. And a friend of mine looked at me like a was crazy. But to tell you the truth he was never that scared. He thought the movies were fascinating. In fact, the more we watched the more I thought, "Is something wrong with him? Why don't these movies scare him?"

Then it all changed. We had been watching mostly modern day movies but I picked up some Twilight Zone episodes. Remember the episode, "To Serve Man?" With Lurch from The Addams Family as the alien? And the aliens seem friendly. They have a book called, "To Serve Man."

Well at the end of the episode as people  are getting on the space ship it's revealed that, "To Serve Man! (get ready...here it comes) It's a COOKBOOK!"

My son grabs by arm and starts yelling, "OH MY GOD! AHHHHHH!!!!"

And proceeds to freak out. He was spooked for the next few weeks. He said later it was so terrifying to him because of the shock that people were innocently getting on the ship they had no idea they were going to be eaten. Pretty spooky huh?

To read a post about a movie that scared me as a kid click here

And to read the Wiki page for To Serve Man click here
. 

TMZ Makes Me Sick. Harvey Levin Is An A-Hole. Amanda Bynes.

Harvey Levin from TMZ is such a piece of Sh#t.

OK. I admit that I have the TMZ app on my phone but still. I hate him mostly for how he stalks celebrities. There was just a story where they posted multiple photos of Amanda Bynes smoking pot in her car. They posted over forty pictures from various locations. So they were actually secretly trailing her then taking photos of the inside of the car when she would get out and go to a store or the gym.

Shouldn't this be illegal? And look Harry's dumbass smile. You smug creep. And he chews on that stupid water bottle all the time. Oh. And Harvey? The narration that you have on your show is not funny. It's retarded.

And in other celebrity watching annoyance news can't there be a site that just has stories of legitimate non-gossipy entertainment news? Like showing movies sets, interviewing directors, etc.

Do people really give a crap about every move the Kardasians make? Or who is going to be the next judge on a stupid show? Or photos of every celebrity baby and kid? THAT should totally be illegal. Someone in LA should start a site that posts unflattering pictures of paparazzi and their kids. How about that?

And in celebrity baby news if I ever get really famous I'm going to fake that my lover is having a baby. Then when my spawn is finally revealed I'm going to show a picture of the most horrifying ugly baby the earth has ever seen. Phantom of the Opera face. Big ole hunch on it's back. Goiter. The works.

That'll show em'!

Now enjoy this sexy picture of Amanda Bynes. (Who I also think is super talented).

I Love Me Some Cheesy Impersonaters. Alan Alda. Worst Robin Williams. Neil Diamond.

As you may know I LOVE lookalikes. And in the sub category are celebrity impersonators. And for me the more they don't look like the person the better. Remember the Meatloaf impersonator I blogged about a while ago? Here are some more:

Alan Alda -  I have the funny feeling this guy sounds nothing like Alan Alda. But it is an imitation I'd like to try and get down. And did you ever notice that Alan Alda and Stern sound similar?

Barbara Streisand - Looks like Babs needs a little confidence. He/she looks nervous. Looks like he/she saw a ghost. "Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Barbara Streisand!" *curtain drops* Cricket... Cricket...

Bob Hope - "Boy I gotta tell ya!" Why does he have an expression like Gomer Pyle?

Bill Cosby - "You kiiiiiiids. With the dancin'. With the hippin and the hoppin and the mashed potato and the baked potato..." (My Bill Cosby imitation is probably at a 5 on a scale of 1 - 10. It's in the works.

Michael Jackson - Dude. Seriously?

Neil Diamond - "I no one heard a thing I said...not even the chaiiir...."

Robin Williams - "Uh huh..Ooooo...Oooo" Is there anyway he can be more annoying than the real Robin Williams? I'd like to pay him to perform at a party and after 5 seconds turn the lights on and say, "I'm sorry. I'll pay you but you're awful. You're going to have to leave." Then have my goons escort him out the door.

Cher - You know this dude is always in costume. And for some reason I think that Cher impersonators try a bit more than the other impersonators. I'm not sure why I think this. And I bet they refer to their impersonation as their "craft."

So there you go. Which is your favorite?

Tissue Box Art Remains A Mystery. HELP ME!! Chinese Factory.

Check out this tissue box I had the pleasure of viewing the other day. And the tissues were pretty soft to boot. A tissue box full of happy people. Enjoying each other's diversity. They all look pretty happy don't they? I bet the Chinese artist that was asked - or should I say FORCED - to make the art followed the instructions of her master at the factory.

"You get in there and a paint the picture of happy people all different skin colors and ages for the tissue box!. You make them happy. Now get to work. Next project is two lady talking by a trickling stream for a tampon box. We behind schedule!"

The Chinese Norman Rae sheepishly walks by the foreman and into her painting cell. She was at her wit's end. Being harassed by the boss man for many years.

"I will NOT just paint picture of happy people! I will paint a picture of how I feel! The world will finally see!

And so she did. And the art can be seen on the top of the tissue box*:

*Seriously. What the hell is going on here??

Who Approved This Album Cover. Gus Brendel.

Seriously. Do you think they did this shot on purpose? My guess is that it was all done in innocence but please.

Sophisticated MOMMA!. Kool And The Gang. JT Taylor. Getting Laid.

Last week I was saying to my lady, "Sophisticated MOMMA!"

And she had no idea what I was talking about. "You don't know that line from the Kool and the Gang song 'Ladies Night?'"

"Nope." She said.

Say whuuuuuuuuuu?? She's younger than me but not THAT much younger. Well here it is. He says  "Sophisticated Momma" at 1:53. Something about trying to impress a woman by calling her a sophisticated momma always struck me as funny. But my man JT Taylor (lead singer) is one smooth dude so I bet he could pull it off. And I could too. I would probably do that move like I tilt my head a bit and I look a bit confused. Then I give the lady the old elevator eyes and says,
"Baby I tell you one thing. You are one sophisticated momma. God dyaaaaaaaamn!"




And speaking of sophisticated Momma's*.......What's Happeniiiiiiiiiiin'???........

*Hey, Hey, HEY Hey!

Has Anyone Seen The Movie Lawless? Jeniffer Chastain. Hot.

Has anyone seen the movie Lawless? It got mixed reviews but I'd like to recommend it. It's really good! It's a period* piece about some Virginia County bootleggers during prohibition. Some really good performances. Especially noteworthy is a character played by Guy Pearce. Super creepy. I wish they had more back story on that nance** (as he was called).

And Jessica Chastain (beautiful  red head above was also good). Everyone really. Tom Hardy? Shia LaBeouf? Bot really good. But I do think Guy Pearce should get an Oscar nomination.

So there you go. Check it out.

*Uh...he said "period."
**an effeminate male

The Time I Realized The Chick My Friend Hooked Up With. College. Bonner Hall.

I met my college friend Prickler (aka Pride of Peru) last night for some beers. I haven't seen him in a few years and we were cracking up talking about the old days in the dorms together. Man do I miss those Saturday and Sunday mornings. A bit hungover and talking about the girls we hooked up with the night before.

I really don't have any major regrets. Like girls I was really embarrassed of the next day. Well, maybe a few but... But hearing that a friend hooked up with a slob was always hysterical. The funniest ever was when Prickler hooked up with this one chick in Sophomore year. In fact it was probably the hardest I've laughed in my life.

Me: (going into his room) So did you hook up with anyone last night when I left the party?

Prickler: Yup.

Me: Oh yeah? Who?

Prickler: She's in my Marketing class. She has like big lips and curly hair?

Me: (I'm thinking like voluptous lips and beautiful curls) And I know her?

Prickler: Yeah you've seen her in the cafeteria. She lives in Old Main? She's always with that chick that Budwin went out with?

Me: Are you sure I know her?

Prickler: Yeah. And you said she was in your English class.

Me: (realization of who it might be) Wait. The chick with the huge lips and fro and she kind of shakes her head and she looks nervous all the time?

Prickler: Yeah that's her. She has a really nice body.

Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

I literally fell on the floor laughing. Just searching my memory for who it was and then it popped in there. This girl was home-leeee! Do you know Jimmy Carter's lips? They were like that but if they had been stung by bees. I'm telling you I couldn't even catch my breath.

And Prickler was sitting there saying, "Well. She did have a nice body."

I think I laughed for 15 minutes. Tears steaming. 

I think the only time I came closer to laughing that hard was when I was walking down the hall in the dorms and I see my friend basically being held up and lead to his room by a female beast woman. He said the next day he was basically raped. And we found out a few weeks later that another friend was with this same girl. She looked like Quasimodo and would go to parties and prey on the drunkest Freshman guy there and take them back and do them. You girls. *shakes head*

I would pay for video of their reaction when they woke up the next day. Oh the horror.

Oh and now it has me thinking of one other regretful tale that a woman friend told me once. She was in college and went back to the apartment of some goofball. They were going to hook up but when she went into the bathroom she had regrets so instead of just leaving she climbed out the window to escape. She was on the second floor! Ha! I wonder how long the dude was outside the door saying, "Kristen? Are you OK in there? Kristen? Hello???"

Check Out My Poppy From Around 1908. Bad Ass Dog. Scranton.

Check out this picture. It's my Grandfather. Or Poppy* as he was known. He was born in 1902 so I'm guessing this is about 1908? Right? How old do you think he is?

And this picture was taken in Scranton, PA. On my Father's side my ancestors came over from Ireland and Germany in the mid 1800's and worked in the coal mines. Imagine that life. And you think you have it bad. I remember reading the family tree my cousin did a few years ago and one of my great uncles was killed in the mines after being kicked my a mule. Damn. That smarts.

And look at that bad ass dog. What kind of dog is that? It's got muscles and a head kind of like a pit bull but it's head is so small. Maybe it's a mutt. But it looks like it kicks some ass.I bet his name was something like Buddy.

And wouldn't it be cool if I had an ancestor of that dog as a pet? I wonder if some families do. I bet mostly hillbillies and backwoods folk.

*On a side note Poppy used to make soft boiled eggs and my sister would call them Poppy eggs. Then years late she was in a diner and they asked how she wanted her eggs and she said, "Poppy eggs." And they just looked at her like she was an alien. A Poppy egg eating alien.