Dream I Had Last Night. Andy Richter and Chris Elliot.

I fell asleep with Conan on last night then woke up in the middle of this dream:

I was at a party and I ran into Andy Richter (who I think is hysterical). We were joking around and then....

Andy: We really should hang out some time. I know we just met but my wife and I have this vacation house and we go almost every weekend with a few people. Why don't you come by?

Me: Sounds good to me. Can I bring a date?

Andy: Sure.

Then all of a sudden Chris Elliot is standing next to him (who I also think he's hysterical)

Chris Elliot: Hey why don't you come to MY vacation house?

Me: (sarcastically) Well it looks like we may have a bidding war on our hands. So what do each of you have to offer?

They both look at me like, "Are you an idiot?" and both start walking away. Andy Richter is heading up an elevator.

Me: OK Andy, maybe I'll just go to the person's house that is closer. Where's YOUR vacation house.

Andy: (Giving me the look of "F You") Wisconsin.

Smash!

Is That What I Sound Like During Nightmares? Deaf People. Pears.

I was having a nightmare the other night. It was one of those nightmares where you're halfway asleep and halfway awake. In it, there was a possessed person in my room. It was probably from watching this trailer.

So in the nightmare I knew somehow that if he admitted who he was and I ordered the demon to leave he wouldn't kill me. Kind of like the opposite of letting a vampire in your house. So I'm yelling, "Who are you?" But for some reason when I yell in my sleep it comes out sounding like how deaf people talk so I'm yelling, "OOOOO RRRR OOOOO?

"OOOOO RRRRR OOOOOO?"

Then I yelled "Get the hell out of my room" which came out as "Eeee A ELLLLL OW UH I OOOOO!"

Then I woke up.

And had a dream last night of this pear shaped girl I used to work with. She was really nice but not attractive at all. And she called me up and said, "Hey Jim I thought we'd hang out then we can go back to my moms house and you can sleep over. She said it was OK."

And I say "OK" thinking we were just going to be going as friends. But then she says, "I'm so glad that I found out that you're getting divorced so we could go out."

And then I was in a panic mode because there was no way I wanted to go out with her but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. In this case I did NOT wake up screaming, "I OT ATTWACTID OOO PEARS!*"

And this is the second dream I've had like this. I think it's because I've been separated for a few months and I'm getting divorced. Or that maybe I like pears? I'm not sure.

*interpretation: I'm not attracted to pears.

Chester County Man Lists Lame Assed Bucket List. Goats.

I've been thinking of writing a bucket list but haven't. I do have one major one that is totally going to happen soon but it ain't none of your alls beeswax.

But in lieu of the bucket list I've decided to make a "bucket list junior." These are things that are bucket-listesque but shorter term and easily obtainable. Here we go:

- Make homemade cheese.

- Watch Madmen. (I know I'll love this show and I think I even have the channel on Verizon but have no idea what time it's on. I'm sure I'll like it)

- Get a BJ in a dressing room. (Leaning toward Victoria's Secret. Leaning against Value City)

- Learn a French phrase that I can say in a smart ass way then say it to someone and just walk away. And there will be a crowd and people will think, "Holy shit that Mother F'er speaks French??

- Make a few videos and put them on the Youtube.

- Give a crying Indian chief a tissue.

- Tell more people in a movie theater to "stop talking." Kind of hooked from when I did it a few months ago.

- Walk into a room naked except I'm wearing a sock over my junk and pretend I don't know what people are talking about when they're all, "What the?? What are you doing???"

- Play with a goat.

- Master a Burt Reynold's imitation.

- Get a disguise (including a wig) and go somewhere and trick people. Using an accent and everything. Then maybe go back into the place as me and get the people to talk about the disguised me.

There you go. Just a little off the cuff. Leave your short term goals in the comments and I'll judge you. If you want. Leave a "J" after your list if you want honest feedback.

Nightmare and Dreams From Chester County Blogger.

I was away with my son two weeks ago at a hotel because he had to pick his college classes so we stayed overnight at a hotel. So in the morning he says, “Dad what were you having a nightmare about?”

And then I remembered what I did in the middle of the night. I woke up, sat up and loudly said, “WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA AHHHHHHHH!!!”

The “AHHHHHH” being a scream. Then I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. Kind of like a stroke victim, “A ra ra ra ra ra”…

I forget what the nightmare was about but I have been having more nightmares these days for some reason. And I wake up screaming.

But I still have tons of regular dreams too. Like the other night two people were trying to convince me to go to Halloween party at their CCD. I guess it was CCD for adults because they were two grown women. And I didn’t want to go because they wanted me to wear a grass skirt and be like male hula dancer. And I was too embarrassed to wear it. And because CCD is BS.

Then the one woman jumped on top of me and said I got a joke for you. And then she pretended to kiss me. She said, “Anda one…”. And I’m thinking, “OK this is weird.”

Then she kissed me for real and said, “..Anda two.”

And then she said, “…Anda THREE.” And then she pretended to pull a toy out of her butt and said, “Get it??”

And I just wanted her to get off of me so I said, “Oh yeah. I get it.”

What do you make of that?

Oh. And I had a dream last night that I had a staple caught in my dick and the local news stations were calling because they wanted to interview me.

Weird Nightmare I Had Last Night. Zombies and Susan Sarandon.

Check out this nightmare I had last night.

I look out my window and a zombie is walking past my house toward my neighbor's house. But the zombie is Susan Sarandon. I'm all, "What the hell?"

So a few minutes later my neighbor comes running over.

Neighbor: You've got to help me! There's a zombie trying to kill me.

Me: No.

Neighbor: Well at least give me some toothpicks.

I hand her two toothpicks and she runs out the door holding them like tiny swords.

I then grab a butcher's knife and run upstairs and hide in my closet.

Does that make me a coward? I'm thinking no because as I recall, I think that I was thinking that I was in a movie and I was acting. But I'm not sure.

And how was she going to battle a zombie with toothpicks. I don't get it.

I Love This! Brandi Carlile Doing Dreams. Teary.

I love this song Dreams by Brandi Carlile. They've been playing it a lot on WXPN.

It stops be in my tracks and kind of gets be choked up whenever I hear it. Even though it's catchy, it's got some "pull at the old heart strings " lyrics. As my friend "The Child" likes to say.

Do you like it? (I've included the lyrics below so you can sing along).



Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak

And now in my dreams,

I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
Keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the weight
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

(And then an amazing guitar solo)

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs?

And now, in my dreams
I can feel the weight, I can just come clean
I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
I have dreams, I have, I have, I have Dreams

Serious Dream That I Had. Still Don't Believe In Ghosts. Car Crashes.

It was 4 AM when my wife woke me up last night. I was screaming in my sleep.

I was having a dream that my best friend Jim, that died 9 years ago in a head on collision in Chester County was standing next to my bed.

In the dream Jim was looking at me and he looked sad. I was saying, "Jim, are you really not dead? Are you alive? Answer me!"

And I was reaching for him but he was an inch out of reach. I knew that if I could just touch him I would know that he was not dead.

When my wife woke me up I was in tears because I was so frustrated that I couldn't reach him.

So this morning when she mentioned the nightmare she said that in the night she didn't want to freak me out but reminded me that today is the anniversary of his death.

I still don't believe in ghosts or supernatural stuff but that is a strange coincidence.

Blogger Wendy Brandes Was In My Dream Last Night

Does anyone else have dreams featuring other bloggers?

Last night the beautiful Wendy B from Wendy Brandes Jewelry showed up. Turns out we were at the same trade show. So I invited her back to the hotel - which was really a huge house that was packed with people. She came in the bedroom that was the scene from Willie Wonka with lots of people in multiple beds.

I got in bed with my wife and she was in the bed next to us and we were talking about blogging and jewelry designs.

Sadly, the thunder in Chester County this morning woke me from the dream .

Dream Machine That Someone Should Invent. Mexican Gang.

I've always had really weird dreams. So weird that I think some people think I'm just making it up when I tell them.

I wish someone would invent a machine that could be hooked up to someones brain and record their dreams. Then you could watch them like you're watching TV. If they did, here's what you could have been watching if you were tuned to the Dr Zibbs Dream Channel last night:

I was in Mexico and I was trapped in a car. I couldn't get out because these dogs were trying to attack me. The dogs finally left and I was able to get out.

Once out of the car though, this gang approached me and they said they were going to kill me. They walk away to prepare themselves and this weird guy approaches me and tells me that I (like him) have the ability to transform into any creature thus helping me defend myself against the gang that's going to kill me.

So the weird guy says, "You can change..just like this"...

He spins around and all of a sudden he looks like Santa Claus. But a disheveled Mexican Santa. Proudly he says, "You see, when the gang comes back, do you really think they're going to want to kill Santa? .....Thinks about it."

I remember thinking.."What the hell?"....

Then I woke up. True story.

Blogger Shows Video To Explain Eagle Dream.

Remember the other day when I was telling you about the dream I had and I was hanging out with these giant eagles? Well check this out:



OK, did you see that goat that the eagle picked up? Now look at that goat's head. That's the size of ME in the dream - compared to the eagle. I told you it was a weird dream.

I'm serious.

Another Dream: The Beatles, Clapton and Springsteen.

So here's a dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I was asked to drive The Beatles, Clapton and Bruce Springsteen to a concert on a bus. It was weird because the Beatles were the 1965 Beatles but Clapton and Springsteen were the modern day guys.

A friend was with me and we had to pull into a gas station to get gas. The Beatles were being really cool to us but they didn't want a mob scene so we were asked to "keep cool". One of them asked if we could put some of their equipment in trunk.

We were dying for someone to see who we had in the bus so as a lady was walking out of the convenience store part of the gas station I said really loudly,

"OK, Let's just put these guitars that we have from The Beatles in the trunk..guitars from the rock group - The Beatles - going into the trunk now....."

The lady came over and looked in. Paul came out and started making small talk. He then asked if I had taken acid. I said no and he pulled out a colorful post-it note that had a rip taken out of it. I told him that the rip was from where I tore it because I had to write a telephone number down and I needed a piece of paper. Which was true.

Paul said, "Oh it's just a post-it note? I thought it was a sheet of acid. Oh that's cool. I was just wondering if you were tripping."

Sorry, no funny punchline - just another real dream I had. They also jammed at one point and were playing a Herman's Hermits song but I forget which one. And Clapton was playing the drums. I swear.

Statue of Liberty! You've Got Some Chocolate Right Here. No Here.

So here's another really weird dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I had to come up with an advertising campaign for a donut chain. It was some donut chain from New York that I've never heard of. So my idea was to have someone secretly fly a helicopter to the Statue of Liberty at night and paint the lips and around the lips with brown paint so it looked like she had been eating chocolate donuts. But really make it sloppy - like if you handed a candy bar to a mental patient and said, "Here's your lipstick. Put it on."

So you've got The Statue of Liberty looking like she ate chocolate then the idea was to have a 40 foot replica of the donut box sitting next to The Statue of Liberty's feet.

Then I realize that it's a stupid idea because it's illegal to mess with national monuments but the client said that since they'd use paint that would wash off in a month they were OK with it.

Then I started getting nervous.

Part 2 of My Sexy Dream With A Gwen The Blogger

So I feel pretty lame that everyone complained that the dream I had about a blogger didn't get hotter. What do you people want? I was just describing a dream. So here are some portions of the transcript I will share after going to a hypnotist today (in tears) to help me continue that dream:

Zibbs: (sleeping like a baby on Gwen's cot he feels two things - a very bit symmetrically off for some reason - covering his eyes) What the?

Gwen: (in sexy voice) We call that the Saint Louis grapefruit face squoosh.

Zibbs: (wakes up with Gwen's ample breasts in his face) What? Why I never......... (He grabs Gwen and wrestles her to the floor. They roll off of the porch he was forced to sleep on and into her coolly decorated den)

A few minutes pass- Gwen is pinned to the floor. Similar to what you'd expect in a Bond movie

Zibbs: Gwen, you knew it was coming to this. So at what point was it that you knew you had to have me? Was it the comment I wrote about your wacky wafers? The post I wrote back in June about the pear shaped people? My posts about retarded people? Or perhaps the dreams you've had of THIS! (he pulls out a pen and writes a note revealing that his handwriting is in fact the writing of Brian - the dude that left a note on Gwen's garage). You see Gwen. If you mix up the word "Brian" and reconfigure them, they spell "Brain". And my brain coincidentally is located in my dick. And by dick, I'm referring to what doctors call...the penis.

Gwen: (all starry eyed and shit) Take me. In the roughest way possible. Well, start gentle but then get rough after the first minute.

Zibbs: (Zibbs snaps his fingers ala' the Fonz. Al Green's "Tired of Being Alone" starts playing on the stereo. Gwen doesn't notice that it has nothing to do with Zibb's finger snap, but a Zibbs staff member that reached around the corner and turned on the stereo). You my dear, are about to experience something that's ...well, I won't tell you ...I'll show you.

Gwen: (eyes widen then shut - lips pucker - back arches - knowing that she's about to experience something that that only a few select hundreds have) TAKE ME TO THAT LAND!! WHAAAAAAA!

It begins

To be continued

Old People Forced To Do Things Against Their Will

Listen to this dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I was given the job of running a TV show where old people are put into a retirement home against their will. Really pissed off, cranky old people. And the home is almost like a concentration camp. Then, the old people are told that to get out of the home, they have to get in teams and compete against each other. All the teams have to form Spanish speaking pop groups and perform. The thing is, they have no talent, they're racist, they don't speak Spanish and they're all just really pissed off but they'll do anything to get out of the home.

And get this, the name of the show is called Shazam! I have no idea why. I don't control my dreams. That's just what it's called. Pretty weird huh?

I Had The Stangest Dream About A Blog Last Night

So I think I might obsessing about blogging too much. On Friday I had a dream out Fancy Schmancy's blog but when I woke up I forgot what it was about. Then last night I had a dream about a post on Some Guy's Blog.

The post on Some Guy's Blog was a picture of Sulu and Chekov from Star Trek. They were both standing there wearing their regular Star Trek uniforms but the crotch areas were cut out and somebody had photo shopped huge schlongs on them. The caption that Chris (the president of Some Guy's Blog) wrote under the picture was, "I've heard of live long and prosper but this is ridiculous."

In the comments of the post I wrote, "Chris, this is even more repulsive than the link to hemorrhoids you left in my comments *a few months ago."

So there you go, either I'm thinking too much about blogging** or Chris may have some homosexual tendencies.

*View this image at your own risk.
**I also watched the rerun of the celebrity roast of Shatner last week and there were a lot of gay references on it made toward Sulu so that could also have been a factor.