Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Lions Share Restaurant - Lionville's True Horror Story

Forget about ghosts in Chester County restaurants - which one DOESN'T claim to be haunted? If you really want to hear about true horror, it happened at Lionville's Lions Share Restaurant in 1979 - and goes a little like this:

I was dish washing Friday night at the Lions Share when Gus the manager came back and said, "Zibbs, we've got a situation in the men's room near room four. Go take care of it."

So I walk back past the Friday night diners eating their clams casino and enter the bathroom. I slowly open the stall and there it was. It looked like a the site of the Manson murders. Someone had entered the men's stall and had explosive diarrhea not just on the floor, but on all four walls and - yes - somehow - the ceiling. It was like being the first on the scene of a terrible, terrible car accident. Do I run? Do I scream? Do I call a priest? The coverage of the stall was like someone filled a pinata up with shit and hit it with a baseball bat. Except this was 1979 and anything to do with the Mexican culture wouldn't be seen in these parts for at least 5 years. I believes someone just had a night that they shall never forget. And for how unbelievable the scene was, there was also something that stood out as very,very odd - behind the toilet a pair of underwear was stuffed - almost as if someone was trying to hide some evidence.

"As I tried to imagine the panic on the person as this was happening, I walked quickly back through the diners and into the kitchen. This had to be shared, "Eric, you're not going to believe what just happened in the bathroom!"

"What? What?"

"Ohhh man - It can't be described - it can only be experienced. Follow me!"

With our food covered aprons, we walked through the dining rooms back to the scene of the crime. We were always instructed to keep our voices down when we walked through the rooms but it was impossible for Eric, "What is it? What is it?"

We walked in the door, I opened the stall and causually asked, "And what is the meaning of this?"

Eric saw the scene and just started screaming and laughing, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! OH MY GOD...AHHHHHH...WHAAAAA!!"

I let him peak with his laughter then said, "And there's a little present right behind the bowl - look behind the toilet". That's when Eric almost died of laughter/delight/horror. "And Gus wants you to clean it up."


We walked back into the kitchen and basically ignored Gus's request to clean up the God awful scene. He later cleaned it as we walked through every detail of how the scene 'went down'. There were so many questions:

- Was it someone on a first date?
- Was it food related?
- Did the guy think by hiding the underwear behind the toilet it would make the covered stall go away- like a 3 year old covering their eyes and saying ,'you can't see me'?
- Was a window escape attempted?
- Did the guy innocently walk out of the bathroom after cleaning up? If so, did he calmly sit down as if nothing happened or was it SO obvious that a diner at another table asked, 'Sir, you obviously shit all over the stall in that bathroom - are you going to do the honorable thing and tell the management so they can get a dishwasher in there to clean it up?"

I know the person responsible for this may still live in Chester County. Perhaps they've even moved. What I'm trying to get to is this - YOU NEED TO COME FORWARD. My innocence was lost that day and if you can make yourself known, answer my questions and endure what I promise will be a very short and respectful press conference, I will not have to hold a contest asking locals to hunt you down. So please, if you don't want to open the The Daily Local News and read "Lions Share Men's Room Violator Hunt Continues- DAY 45" in the upper left corner, then please contact me. My hunt will never end for you.
God Bless.


BeckEye said...

I hope you don't mind, but I started skimming this post as soon as I saw the term "explosive diarrhea." I just had lunch, y'know.

Falwless said...

She lies. She totally read this post like seven times, just to wallow in the beauty.

I wish you good fortune and health on your quest, fine sir.

Also, your comments on everyone's blogs are making me laugh like a little bitch.

JDizzle said...

It was me.

Dr Zibbs said...

Beckeye: You've inspired me to make a new t-shirt: "you had me at explosive diarrhea".
Falwless: No I think YOUR comments are better - really I do.
JDizzle: The press conference will be at 4:00 at the new Ace Hardware near the daily local. It's the only place I could get on short notice.

BeckEye said...

I actually printed out this post last night, so I could read it while taking a monster shit.

Sorry men, it's true. Women go poopie!

Dr Zibbs said...

Beckeye, thanks for taking a dump while reading my blog. You've helped me reach an important milestone. Next goal: having someone crash their car while reading my blog on their blackberry.

BeckEye said...

Hmm. If only we could make Lindsay Lohan aware of your blog.

Rider said...

If I crashed my car while reading your blog on my BlackBerry, I'd only admit that here. Not to the police.

Anonymous said...

This story gets funnier every time I read/hear it. It's in the top 5 list of all the rectal explosion stories I've ever heard or experienced. I'm sure the guy that this happened to still gets the shakes every time he feels the need to fart for fear of a possible repeat of this tragedy.

P.S. - I hope you and Eric washed your hands upon returning to the kitchen.

Kickstand said...

I know what it feels like to be that guy! LOL

Anonymous said...

BWAAAHAHAHAAHHAHAA! I would've been on the floor crying from laugher if I saw that. Although it does remind me of the time years ago when I was walking down the street and thought I was releasing a fart, and ended up sharting in pants.

Has I was heading to the courthouse to get an application for a passport, immediately went to the bathroom to fix the situation...and yes, I too, stuffed my soiled undies behind the toilet.

I went the rest of the afternoon G.I. Joe!

Anonymous said...

I was a busgirl at the Lion's Share, I started in December of 1979 when I was 15. I remember Gus and Debbie, Gary Gilligan, Carol. "One Way Short!" one of the cooks, Lyndon and "Busboy Bob"! Whenever I hear Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" I think about those great nights working at the Lions Share after School! That song was playing alot in the kitchen!

Dr Zibbs said...

Really??? That's when u was there! Now I want to know who you are!

Anonymous said...

I wasn't the abstract poop painter,I was just a cute young thing working her first job.My name is Susan.I must have come after the epic event because this post is the first I heard about it! Brings back great memories! We got high down in the basement once and when we came upstairs the pot smoke was filling up one of the full dining rooms, you could see it (the late day sun was streaming threw it) and smell it! I was surprised nobody said anything, it was pretty freakin obvious. Anyway nice to meet you Mr.Zibbs!

Dr Zibbs said...

Susan that's great. I'm.jim. you should email me at lebner1@yahoo.com I have some great stories of that place. I worked at viickers after I quit there after about a year.

Dr Zibbs said...

...or you can facebook friend me. Jim zibbs

Dr Zibbs said...

Susan here's another Lions Share story:


Unknown said...

Oh my word !! {other words fail me at this point}