This Is When I Run For The Hills. West Chester Baby Needs Tissue.

"..Uh baby? You have something like right here....No..right like..under your nose...Yeah I think you need a tissue."

West Chester Blogger Shares Thanksgiving Tradition. Bobo The Clown.

I love traditions. I'd like to share a bit of my Thanksgiving tradition with you the reader. Above is a picture of last year's Thanksgiving. The day before actually. That's Charles the Turkey.

Look at him go!

We like to cage the bird and pamper him for a few hours before....well...you know.

So we give him special treats, sing traditional Pilgimy sounding songs, dance around his cage and taunt him playfully with sticks.

Then, it's time for Bobo the clown to begin his slaying. So he slowly circles the cage. The bird senses something is wrong. And starts darting all over the cage. During this all the kids pull a feather from the Negro Indian head (total fucking heirloom and valuable as shit) and hand their feather to Bobo.

Bobo picks the smallest feather and the child that gave him that feather gets to hold the gobbler to the stump while Bobo chops his head off.

We then give the turkey to Nana who defeathers it and cleans it.

What traditions do YOU guys have?

Invention Idea For Secretly Taking Pictures of People. Lookalike At Victory Beer.

So I was out with my son the other night getting some food at Victory Beer and....

Me: Hey look. I didn't know your Uncle Mike was here.

Son: (looks at dude who is actually a lookalike) Haha. I was thinking the same thing.

Me: (referring to his necklace) And looks like the Sasquatch sized Uncle Mike is into jewelry.

Son: Dad, Sasquatch Uncle Mike likes to call it "bling."

And the sad thing is....I would have LOVED to get a photo but didn't know how to do it discreetly. That's what sucks with cameras on phones. You see a perfect, photo ready specimen and you can never get their picture. Sure, you can wear an Abe Lincoln type hat and conceal it in there but who the hell wants to go through THAT trouble? ...and you have to set the timer..No thanks!

So my idea is a camera that's built into one of those nerdy ass bluetooth ear pieces. And you look at your phone to control the direction of the camera. And when you have your photo specimen in view? ...Click. Captured. On your phone.

Seriously don't know why this hasn't been invented. I would have a blog just of lookalikes and freaks that I see. Well, I guess we'll have to wait for the world of tomorrow.

Tina Turner Doin' Her Stuff Holmes! Ass Shakin' Yo!

Here's a song that I listen to on my Ipod. Ike and Tina doing Proud Mary.

And check out the booty shake at 3:46. God Dyaaaaaaaaammm!!!!! Those girls know how to shake some ass holmes!!

I Accidentally Looked In Somebody's Email In Exton. Is God Mad At Me Now?

It's true. I went on a computer at the library the other day and when it said, "Would you like to restore your last session?" I clicked, "HELL YEAH!"

Then..there it was. A stranger's email. Mine for the picking.

Honestly, I would never look in a friend's email or my kid's because I would feel so bad. But a faceless stranger? Meh. I'll take a sneak peek. *taps fingertips together*

And I kind of hit the mother load. It was some chick's email that she uses for talking to people in some porn group. And the porn group was people that were into choking while having sex. So of course I went to the sent folder and there was an email that said, "I miss talking to you. I wish we were having sex now. How are things with you?"

And it was to another chick! Awwwww yeaaah!

But sadly that was the only good email. There were some pictures of chicks being gagged but that was it. But I did Google the girl's name because I wanted to see what she looked like but couldn't find a picture. Damn it!

So would any of you guys do the same thing? And don't THINK about lying.

Something That Strangers Used To Ask ME. Close Your Eyes.

Here's something that's kind of odd that I was thinking of the other day. When I was between about 8 and 11 for some reason my eyelids looked kind of blueish sometimes. I'm assuming it was veins in my eyelids that made them look blueish but it wasn't like you could see veins or anything. It was just that sometimes that looked blueish. I don't know.

And I can't recall if it was only when it was cold outside or not.

But what I DO recall is that at least on 30 - 40 occasions somebody - usually a stranger - would be looking at me and ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"

Or worse yet they would look at me with a confused look and say, "Close your eyes for a second."

WHO THE HELL ASKS A KID WHO'S A STRANGER TO CLOSE THEIR EYES??

Then they would either say, "Oh. OK." And and kind of nod their head in a "Just what I expected" kind of way or ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"

And nobody has ever said that since I was 11. Has anyone ever heard of this? I never thought to tell my mom at the time so she could ask the doctor so it remains a mystery.

Remember When This Happened In Junior High? West Chester North.

Remember in the 8th grade at North Junior High when Richard Bulls would draw a picture of Paul Lambert's huge, volzwagon hood domed thumbnail, show it to us and say, "PAUL CLUBS SHIT TEETH LAAAAAAAMBERT!"

Remember? This is what it looked like:



Then he would start banging his thumb in a slow motion as if it were a giant hammer and pretend to crush things? Remember that?

BREAKING NEWS CONCERNING MY HAIR! Wegmans.

I was a party this weekend hosted by a Twitter friend of mine. Had a great time and met some great people.

So I was introduced to this one young chippy and she said she followed me on Twitter. But I didn't recognize her name because she doesn't tweet that much (but I did look her up later and I did recognize who she was). She was really funny. Chit chat, riffing and laughs were exchanged....

So she sends me a tweet later that night that say...Are you sitting down for this?...it says: "You're totally hot in person." You read that right. Awwww yeah. I still got it!

I thanked her on Sunday for the compliment then she later tweeted: "I just spent my nap dreaming about the perfectness of you hair."

And now the big news. Please. Remain seating. While spending the next half hour staring at my hair in the mirror and pretending that it was being blown by the wind I made a decision. Are you ready? .....

I've decided to be the spokesman for Wegman's brand styling hair gel #8!! YES I DID! I may also consider endorsing #9 but I don't want to seem like a shallow shill so I may endorse #9 as an alter ego. Perhaps as a pirate. Or as a tycoon in the emerging wind power industry. Not sure yet.

As I'm sure you may know, I used to use LA Looks brand styling gel but stopped. And did they ever offer me an endorsement deal? No. So they can just suck it. I'm going with Wegmans.

I'll keep you updated on all the details.

I Hate When Movies Have Crappy Bands. Satisfaction. Justine Bateman.

Somebody. Get. My. Spitup Bucket.

Because I just woke up and turned the TV on and the Justine Bateman movie "Satisfaction" was on. Julia Roberts is in it too. I hate when movies have bands and the bands are terrible. And the actor's are getting all into into and you're supposed to believe that they're a great band.

Like in this clip below. They start playing and the people in the audience have these expressions like they're slowly seeing something amazing. Like slowly they're all, "What?..What?...I think we're onto something here. Oh my God this music is unbelievable!" As if they're seeing the Beatles for the first time.

And the chick bands are the worst. They're hot but they're biting there lips and dancing around the way they think rockers should. I bet the director was like, "CUT! OK I need you to do like a shoulder lean in and really get into it. Maybe have a slightly angry expression."

And the other thing I hate about movies like this AND TV shows that have bands are the extras they hire to dance. Every time I see it I look at the crowd and think, "Nobody dances like that."

Oh and they also tortured Elvis Costello's "Mystery Dance. " Sickening. Here's the terrible quality clip:

Do Moms Still Do This? Get That Kettle Going. Ants.

When I was a kid, there always seemed to be groups of ants around. Usually from someone dropping a popsicle or some other food. I remember being fascinated with them. Sometimes I would flick a stick into the group and to see if they'd come back to the food.

Then, my Mom would come out and see the ants and freak out, "Oh no! Get away from the ants! They'll get in the house."

She always claimed that "once you have ants you never get rid of them." But I think she was also afraid people would see ants in our house and think that we're "dirty people."

Then she'd going inside, start the "kettle" - as she called it - until water was boiling. Once I heard the kettle whistling I knew the end was near. She'd then come out and pour the scalding water onto the ants and in a June Cleaverish voice say, "OK. That should do it."

Do people still do this?

My Baby Girl Is 15. Life Is Going By FAST!

Oh my God my baby girl is 15 today!

*big ole' sigh*

That's her when she was little. (Sorry for the crappy quality. I took a picture of a picture.)

I remember when my kids were born. The one thing that people told me is that the time just flies by. And it's so true. So enjoy it. Life is short people.

And now she's a beautiful young lady. I'm finding that girls are harder to raise than boys. I think because I have a harder time getting on my daughter's case. With my son I'd be like, "What the hell were you thinking!" But I just can't bring myself to raising my voice with my daughter.

And the dating thing? Oh my God. It hasn't started yet but I'm dreading it. She's so beautiful and I'm just waiting for her to tell me that an 11th grader asked her on a date. Oh God. I can't even think about it.

YOU CAN WIN!! Chicktionary Contest Everyone! Anna Lefler.

In addition to hobnobbing with kings and being consulted by heads of state I also run in the circle of authors. Take for example my friend Anna Lefler (@AnnaLefler on Twitter).

Well let me tell you, she's pretty darn funny. She also has a blog: Life Just Gets Weirder. (Click on the link to view her blog).

So anyways, she just wrote this hysterical book called CHICKtionary. And she sent me a signed copy (with a note saying that I'm funny AND charming). I've been reading it and I give it a thumbs up. I laughed out loud at least five times before I got through the B's and I don't laugh out loud that often when reading a book. Do you want a copy? Well you're in luck.

RULES: To enter to win, leave a comment in this blog post OR retweet the link that I'll be putting up from my Twitter accounts @DrZibbs and @FatherKelly. I will pick one random person as the winner and will email or DM you if you've won and ask for your address. I You have until 11/13 to enter. Good Luck!

Now check out Anna's promo for the book:

Hysterical Post Halloween Video. Candy.

Dominica aka @MrsMushiMushi tweeted this to me. Hysterical. Especially the last kid.

Did Any of You Ever Do This While Gettin' It On? Hitchin' A Ride.

Did any of you ever have sex to the song "Hitchin' A Ride?" And you thrusted to the beat of the song? And the expression on your face was one one of excitement? Like wide eyed and mouth open? Like the expression of someone that just walked into a surprise party? But your face frozen in that expression the entire time?

And during it your mate played the recorder part that's in the song?

No? Uh...yeah me neither. I....I never did that. That's just dumb. Yeah. Never did that.

*looks at shoe and kicks imaginary rock then runs away*

West Chester Man Ignores Idiot at Victory Beer. Downingtown.

I've always enjoyed talking to interesting strangers. But bore asses? Forget it. And I'm pretty good at sizing people up before I make initial contact.

But in the days of old if some weirdo started talking to me I would be friendly and talk back. Not anymore. I've aged if you will. Like how I told people in the movie theater the other month to stop talking. So I was in Victory Beer* the other week and some dude sat next to me and this is what happened...like this was his actual opening statement...

Dude: So I was at the Post Office and they take your picture with the white background. My mom said I had to get the picture taken and then I'll send one to my girlfriend who lives in Guatamala.

(I just keep staring ahead).

Dude: (responding to TV) Man this country is messed up these days man. I don't know how they're gonna turn it around. Right?

(I look at him and just nod. I notice he's got this fucked up eye).

Then he babbles on about things. On and on. Probably said at least seen or eight more things. I don't say a word. In the past I would have talked to the dude because I'm so fucking polite but there's no way I'm going to spend an hour talking to this idiot. So finally...

Dude: (frustration in his voice) You know...You looked like an intelligent guy. I was just trying to have a conversation.

This is when I turned and I swear to God I said this...

Me: I'm sorry. I can't hear. (As if I was deaf).

OH YES I DID!! Case closed!

*And that beer pictured is the Victory Beer "Silver Back". It's a combo of Storm King Stout and Golden Monkey. Pretty darn tasty.

Carvel Commercials. Who Will Win? Your Voice Counts.

And speaking of Fudgie the Whale (see last post) are you guys familiar with Carvel and it's commercials? They were huge on the East Coast in the 70's and 80's. Here are the top three.


Which one do you like? And why?


Cookie Puss and Hug Me The Bear (listen for the slide whistle)




Fudgie The Whale (Have a Happy Day Dad)





Cookie O'Puss (high tech and space age as shit! And excellent use of the word "Puss" in a food product)

Paul F Tompkins Appears in Dream of West Chester Blogger. Carvel.

The other night I was listening to comedian Paul F Tompkins* on the Doug Benson podcast. Which lead to this weird ass dream:

*cue wavey dream lines*

(I walk into my parents house and Paul F Tompkins is in a wheelchair)

Me: Hey Paul what are you doing here?

Paul: Hey Jim. How are you? I'm just here for your family's pool party.

Me: Well why aren't you out at the pool?

Paul: I didn't want to ask anyone to help me outside. You know..with the wheelchair and all. It's OK though. I can hear them from here.

Me: Oh OK. Hey do you want to split the rest of this Fudgie the Whale cake with me?

Paul: Sure! And that's funny you bring up Fudgie the Whale because I was just reading an article recently about how Carvel almost went out of business.

Me: Really? Why?

Paul: I'm not sure. The article didn't say.

This is when I just kind of froze. Because I was thinking "You read an 'article' about them potentially going out of business and they didn't say why? Seems like you probably just read a blurb on Yahoo but you're trying to convince people that you read an entire article."

I found it kind of sad in a way.

Me: Hmmm. Well Paul, I'm on my way to Delaware to pick up some crawfish but have fun.

Paul: OK. Bye.

*And yes. As I mentioned before on this blog I know PFT in real life from when I did stand up back in "the day." (Note quotes around the words "the" and "day.")

I STARTED A BAND!! Here's A Video. CORKY!!!

I started a band!!! Here's a video. That's me there on the left.

Naaaaaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaa. That's not me. I posted this video on my blog a few years ago and just wanted to share it with everyone again. What do you think?

Ayyyyy! The Fonz Saves Joanie From A Rape. Yeah Right.

Yeah right. And also...look what she was wearing. As if she didn't want it.

And why was the Fonz feeling her shoulders up to calm her down. So many questions that will never be answered.

Chinese Lady Had Me Cracking Up! Silent, Shoulder Shaking Laughing.

I was at the library today and I was on the computer and there was a super loud lady giving a Chinese lady English lessons. As in teaching her how to speak English. It's all you could hear because she was talking so loud.

And I started cracking up and almost had to leave because this happened:

Instructor: The word is "huge." Say it. "Huge."

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: No. "Huge."

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: Huge.

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: No. Like this, "Huuuuuge."

Chinese Lady: Hooooog.

HAHA!! So I finally calm down from my silent, shoulder shaking laughing and I hear the instructor mention what a synonym was. But at first I thought she as saying "cinnamon" and thought she was going to make the Chinese woman say "cinnamon!"

HAHAHA!!! She can't get "huge" down and you're going to have her attempt "cinnamon????" WHAT THE HELL???

Then I couldn't stop laughing so I had to leave.

Chester County Man Lists Lame Assed Bucket List. Goats.

I've been thinking of writing a bucket list but haven't. I do have one major one that is totally going to happen soon but it ain't none of your alls beeswax.

But in lieu of the bucket list I've decided to make a "bucket list junior." These are things that are bucket-listesque but shorter term and easily obtainable. Here we go:

- Make homemade cheese.

- Watch Madmen. (I know I'll love this show and I think I even have the channel on Verizon but have no idea what time it's on. I'm sure I'll like it)

- Get a BJ in a dressing room. (Leaning toward Victoria's Secret. Leaning against Value City)

- Learn a French phrase that I can say in a smart ass way then say it to someone and just walk away. And there will be a crowd and people will think, "Holy shit that Mother F'er speaks French??

- Make a few videos and put them on the Youtube.

- Give a crying Indian chief a tissue.

- Tell more people in a movie theater to "stop talking." Kind of hooked from when I did it a few months ago.

- Walk into a room naked except I'm wearing a sock over my junk and pretend I don't know what people are talking about when they're all, "What the?? What are you doing???"

- Play with a goat.

- Master a Burt Reynold's imitation.

- Get a disguise (including a wig) and go somewhere and trick people. Using an accent and everything. Then maybe go back into the place as me and get the people to talk about the disguised me.

There you go. Just a little off the cuff. Leave your short term goals in the comments and I'll judge you. If you want. Leave a "J" after your list if you want honest feedback.

I Finally Found That Paul Williams Thing!! Song. Old Fashioned.

I found it!! For years...and I mean YEARS.. I'll sing to myself an imitation of Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song."

And I never knew if I made it up or not. I remember Paul Williams was on The Odd Couple once and was thinking that's maybe where I heard it from but nope! He did it on The Muppets Show. But I'm kind of disappointed I didn't make it up.

I really need to figure out how to put audio clips on this blog because I would totally post my imitation. Anyway, this is what it sounds like:

How I'm Feeling Right At This Minute

The Potholder Story. The Child. Guy's Weekend.

I think my friend "The Child" has to be the ultimate bachelor. A few years ago we were having a guy's weekend at his place in Maryland. Right near the water. A boat. Sweet deal. While a few of the guys were making crabs here's what happened:

Dave: Child where are your potholders?

Child: Right in the drawer below the microwave.

Dave: (opens draw and horrifyingly holds something up) What the hell is this?

Child: What? I use them as potholders.

Dave: YOU USE YOUR OLD UNDERWEAR AS POTHOLDERS???!!

Child: (acting as if Dave is being a big baby) Oh cooooooome on nooooow! Who doesn't use their old clothing for things around the house??

Dave: Yeah maybe an old T-shirt to dry your car not tighty whiteys as potholders!!

I swear this happened. HAHAHA!! I always picture him having a date over and he romantically is making his date dinner and he says, "Would you mind handing me a potholder out of that drawer? And she kind of dreamily reaches for the drawer....."WHAAAAA????"

Chester County Movie Wrap Up. Footloose and The Thing.

So my daughter and I were going to have a Father/Daughter afternoon and see Footloose but she bailed on me. Her "excuse" was "I really have no interest in that movie Dad." And to top it off, she never even heard of the original. Kids.

And I really wanted to see that but was too embarrassed to go myself. And too lazy to pull a disguise together. And you don't just get a disguise and walk into the movie. You need to have a voice that matches the disguise. Like if you bump into someone you can't just say, "Oh excuse me" in your regular voice. It's pretty involved. Waaaay to much work for a Sunday.

So instead I saw "The Big Year" With Steve Martin, Jack Black and What's his name Wilson. I'm into birds and all but the movie was a borefest.

But I did sneak into the remake of the The Thing. And it was great! As horror movies go. Really good story. Suspenseful. Crazy ass monsters and shit. Good stuff. And I see most horror movies that come out. So I'm kind of an expert.

And Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty darn cute in it if you ask me. That's her pictured above.

So I DO think you should see this movie. Let me know what you think if you do. Here's the trailer for it:

West Chester Man Reveals Movie Trailer That Is Him. Stunt Rock..

If someone asked me to play a movie trailer that would illustrate who I am it would have to be.....



You gotta admit that the narrator is KICK. ASS!!

And look at that wizard! And thanks to TC for introducing me to this. How did I never hear of this thing?

West Chester Man Wonders About This Olive Grabber. Crime.

I wonder if some guy was at a party one time and he hid behind a window drape. Then...at just the right time... when some snobby ass lady was standing within his reach, he sloooooowly extended the olive grabber (see picture above) that he was holding and grabbed her nip:

Snobby Lady: (slaps face of monocle wearing chap she's talking to) WHY. I. NEVER!

Monocle Guy: (shrugs shoulders) WHAT????

The then the dude with the olive grabber stealthily climbed out the window and escaped into the night.

The perfect crime.

Will The Best Children Please Come Up Here? Triplets.

Man. Time flies. My son is already in college. And happy to report that except for one B he has all A's. Phew!

But was thinking about a story his first grade teacher told me about him years ago. There was a set of triplets in the first grade. Their last name was Best. So on the first day two of the triplets were in her class when only one was supposed to be in her class. So she says, "Would the Best children please come up to my desk?"

So the two Best boys walked up to her desk. She told the one that he was to go to another class. Then she looked behind them and my son was standing there. And then...

Teacher: Oh and who are you?

Son: Jack Zibbs.

Teacher: And why did you come up here?

Son: Because I'm one of the best children.

Haha!! He thought she meant the best as in the best kids in the class.

Meh. Maybe you had to be there but it was pretty cute when she told it.

I Haven't Smelled Vick's Vapo Rub in Years.

I haven't smelled Vick's Vaporub in years! But I love the smell of it. It reminds me of when I was sick as a kid. I remember opening the jar and taking a big ole' whiff. You've got to admit it's got a pretty distinctive smell. I've been tempted to smell it. Maybe next time I go to a supermarket I'll open one up and get some smelling in.

And I just recently discovered now that it's Vick's VAPO rub and not VAPOR rub. Also, who the hell is Vick? They should have used Vick Tayback (Mel from Alice) on the label. Just sayin'.

OK. That's all I got for you.

Chester County Baby Starts Bawlin' To Bee Gees Song

God I'm a baby. I saw the movie 50/50 this weekend and cried 7 times.

There was an old lady next to me and she pulled a tissue out. I was waiting for her to say, "Do you want a tissue sonny?" Worst of all is that I had one cry that was an outburst and I had to contain myself. Ha!

And on top of it all they had the Bee Gees song "To Love Somebody" in it. And I LOVE song. That got the old water works going too. That song always gets me. Just really emotional these days for various reasons.

So get your tissues out and take a listen.