Discovery I Found In Sixth Grade. Has To Do With Boobies.

When I was in sixth grade I was a my friend's house and I went to open a closet and I found this weird contraption.

"What the??"

I pulled it off of the shelf and looked at it then called my friend. "What IS this thing?"

He grabbed it and examined it. "I don't know I think....I don't know."

We looked at it kind of like how people who stumble across a flying saucer look. There's SOMETHING familiar about it but...

Well we realized what it was after we found the box. It was no other than the famous Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump. First sold in the 70's. I looked at him and in a shameful way he just said, "I guess it's my mom's."

Here it is:



According to this webite there are also creams that are to be used but we didn't find any of those. Creams. "Lower shades and lock doors then while arching your back apply cream to breasts and rub in a circular fashion. Prepare for sudden growth."

Moral of the story? Don't snoop around closets at your friend's parents house.

The Semonski Sisters. Lawrence Welk. Jeepers Creepers.

Haven't posted a Lawrence Welk video in a while. This is the old Semonski sister. And I'm not posting this as a joke. I like this. It's an old Johnny Mercer song.

My favorite sister is the one in the the middle on the top row. Reminds me of a friend.

So do you guys like it or what?

Elvis Impersonators That I've Met In My Travels. Brickette Lounge.

See that poster quality picture of Elvis there*? I took it. Seriously. No really. What? It's blurry? And looks more like Neil Diamond? Get out of here!

I love meeting Elvis impersonators. It's kind of rare but it does happen. (To see two that I met in Vegas see THIS post). But when you do encounter one you have to act as if you're very impressed. And take a picture. It's kind of like running into a bigfoot. It's rare but when you encounter one you have to approach it and ask, "Satch, why are you so elusive?" And... "You seem sad?" Are you?" "Is the Yeti an asshole?"

I do have a few more Elvis pics on my computer but I can't find them. Need to put them all in one central file one of these days.

When it comes to my Elvis sightings my only regret is that I wish I was in the pictures that I've taken of the King. But maybe I would make a face just as the picture was snapped like I was crying. Or just look over at him like I'm all pissed. Now THAT would be an Elvis impersonator picture collection suitable for framing. If I ever get a bunch of those I'm totally going to position them in the center of a shrine within my home.

*picture taken at the Brickette Lounge, West Chester, PA

Butcher Burgers Gogonzola Was Deeeelish! Buddy's Burgers and Five Guys Look Out.

I know I just posted about local burgers but I read the article by @JimBrez here about a burger at Butcher Burgers in Exton, PA and I had to try it. It was the Gorgonzola burger. Oh my God it was so good!

Unlike Buddy's Burgers and Five Guys it's a single patty. But it's thick. And instead of getting my usual toppings* I got the Gorgonzola burger which comes with roasted red peppers, portabello mushrooms and gorgonzola cheese. I think the cheese is what did it for me.

And of the other local places I like their fries the best. So if you're a lover of fries you may want to try it just for that.

And what the dilio with Gorgonzola? Everytime I get it I think, "Ooo I need to eat more Gorgonzola." Then I forget.

And here's a picture of the burger with the lid off:



*ketchup, mustard, pickle, onions, tomater, lettuce, American Cheese

Modification Planned For Mongoloid Truck At Exton Goodwill. Marchwood.

Man oh man I've been cleaning the heck out of my house and bringing stuff to the Exton Goodwill. When you drop stuff off you then drive around the corner and you're greeted by the smiling, 15 foot face of the rascal pictured above*. She gives a friendly, "Thank you." Well you are welcome me lady! Glad I could be of assistance. *tips imaginary hat*

I think they should modify it so that as you pass, the lips move and in the deep voice of a giant it says, "DON'T FORGET YOUR RECEIPT." Then it winks or something. I don't know.

Or if I work there I'm going to modify it so as a car is driving away and there's a kid looking out the window the pupils will turn red and the mouth will move and whisper, "I'm watching youuuuuu" or "Stay in school." Something like that.

How much do you think something like that would cost?

*See? I actually HELP retarded people. Do you know that one of the items I dropped off was a "Welcome to Niagara Falls" tit mug (mug in the shape of a tit that has a hole in the nipple that you can drink out of). Retarded people NEVER get access to items like that. If some of you guys had a tit mug you were done with I bet you would say, "Hmmm. Should I throw this in the trash or donate it to a retarded person?" Then you would open your trash can and drop it in, "Meh, THOSE people don't need a tit mug." That question never even entered my mind!

Chester County Man Plans Valentine's Day Treat For Locals.

As a special Valentine's treat I will be wearing the above "Elephant Underwear" today. I will be riding in the back of a pickup truck. No schedule has been set so probably best to have a buddy so you can alternate standing outside all day so you don't miss me.

When you hear "It's Raining Men" in the distance you'll know I'm almost there so start screaming, "HE'S COMING!!!!"

When I approach I'll stand, give a few shakes and swirls of the trunk and toss bubble gum and hard candy to the crowds while giving a friendly wink and a wave.

I Love to Saute Onions. Chester County Man Eats Pork.

Oh baby do I love my pork. The problem is that a lot of the pork doesn't have enough fat in it. I always like to make sure mine does. I usually like chops with bones but here are some boneless chops I just made.



Delicious. I just season them with salt, pepper and chili powder and brown them in a pan with some olive oil. Then baked them at 350 till they're done.

Then when they're almost done I throw onions in the frying pan with some more spices and deglazed the pan with some white wine. Scraping off those tasty bit. Oh baby. I love that smell. I think sauteing is my favorite cooking task by the way too.



Then I throw the mixture on the pork and tadaaa! A side of baked beans or potatoes and some applesauce and you're ready to go. And a nice cold beer. Sip... Ahhhhh!

Bitch Don't Know How To Make Coffee. Flowers Almost Killed.

This chick probably had it coming to her. Being that her coffee was so terrible and all. Good thing she discovered where the best coffee comes from. The mountains.

And look at her expression at the end where she pours a cup of her new, non-crappy coffee and for a second thinks it still may not be up to the high standards of the King of the Castle.

Good thing for her he was satisfied with Folgers. Good thing.

Exton Five Guys Burger Photographed By Famous Blogger. Best.

...Annnnnnnndd DONE!

Oh boy was that a good burger! I got it from Five Guys at the Exton Mall ya'll. First hearty thing I've had since Saturday because I had a stomach thing on Sunday AND Monday. Thanks for not sending get well cards. Try not to be so self centered next time. What if I was dying or something?

But back to the burgers. I used to think Buddy's Burgers were my favorite (as mentioned in THIS post) but I think I may have to change my mind to Five Guys burgers.

I do like the sesame seeds and thick pickle they have on the Buddy Burger though. I JUST CAN'T DECIDE! Might have to do a taste test sometime. But get someone to help me because there's no way I can eat two burgers.

And I wonder who the neatest person is when it comes to eating messy burgers. Not me. When I ate that thing ingredients were falling out the back. Then I tried to turn it but it got all lopsided. It got all over my hands. Yeah. I eat like a kid I think.

What's your favorite burger? And look at the picture with the smashed in roll. What did they sit on it? Come on people!

This Time That People Might Have Seen Me On The News And More! Dolls. Philly.

Yeah so I used to work at a major giftware company in Product Development. So years ago someone had the idea to get into the doll business. So they made me go to a small show off of City Line Avenue (near Philly) just to scope out any trends and look for potential vendors.

No big deal. Until I was there. I'm walking around - one of the only dudes there - and someone approaches me and...

Person: You work for ZYZ Company?

Me: Yes I do.

Person: Are you getting into the doll business?

Me: Well we're just investigating it at this point....

Person: I work for Doll World Magazine. Would you mind if we took your picture? (And there's a guy standing there with a huge camera)

Here's where I go into total panic mode. I was just an assistant at the time and I'm sure my company didn't want word that we might enter the doll world (can't even believe I'm typing this) AND there's no way in hell I wanted to have my picture in a doll magazine!

I pictured someone's Grandma seeing me in the magazine then, "Mary is this that nice boy Jimmy Zibbs? He's into dolls or something.." Then word spreads like wildfire.

So I told the lady, "Uh can you catch up with me maybe a bit later? I'm looking for someone."

So I'm kind of relieved but then I'm on the lookout for them. Avoiding them. And when I thought I was out of the water I see......... ACTION NEWS!

It must have been a slow news day and the local ABC station is filming the event. Didn't help that they're located right next to where the show was.

So then I'm really shitting my pants because I picture the reporter saying...

Reporter: ...and there's ALL kinds of people at this doll show. Old women, young women, little girls..and even....MEN???? Sir? Sir? Can we have a word with you??"

Then the cameras zoom in and you see me looking like a deer in headlights. Just as I'm about to faint a hand taps my shoulder, "Are you ready for the Doll World Magazine interview?"

That's when I got the hell out of Dodge!

Foster Brooks Roasting Rickles. Comedians. 1970's.

I was just looking for Don Rickles stuff on Youtube and came across this Dean Martin roast of Foster Brooks roasting Don Rickles. Oh my God I was tearing up laughing.

What do you think?

Mir Ham's Vom Sauerkraut. German Cooking Music.

Man if this song doesn't want to make you invade Poland NOTHING will!

OK I'm not kidding here. Sometimes when I cook I love to listen to music that reminds me of the food. Italian cooking? Sinatra and Dean Martin.

BBQ? I'll put on some Southern rock or Country.

German - like a pork roast or what not? I'll put on this album called Folksongs from Bavaria. I really like it. But the sad news? It somehow got deleted from my Ipod! Don't worry. It's still on my external hard drive.

And I'll tell you that my favorite song on it is Mir Ham's Von Sauerkraut. My son and I used to listen to it over and over and laugh because we would always say that the two different dude's doing solos probably hated each other. One was snobby and the other was kinda prissy and making a mockery of the song and having too much fun with it. And we would make up scenarios of their arguments.

I shit you not.

Enjoy. (And there's no official video. The song was taken from a random group of people that put it up from their trip to Germany. Oh. And I'm also part German. So I got that)

Gucci Dylan Belt Buckle Product Development Surprise. Dr Zaius.

I've got some pretty exciting news for you guys today! I've obtained the exclusive rights from Gucci of the Product Development art briefing of a Bob Dylan belt buckle! It's like a piece of rock history! Well...belt buckle history but still.

And I'm going to share it with YOU! Here it is:

Mike, thanks again for the great work on the Toto belt buckle. I think it's going to be a big seller. I've got another project for you. I want you to design a Bob Dylan belt buckle. I'm sure you know what he looks like but as a refresher, he looks a bit like a baby tapir:


With a touch of Dr Zaius from the Planet of Apes:


And the hair? Make it a bit Mike Bradyish so it really stands out once it's comes out of the mold.



Oh. And put a random jail cell door in there for no reason whatsoever.

And here is the result:



WTF?????????

Mr and Mrs Crotchpains. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Do you know Mr and Mrs Crotchpains? They're frequent commentors on this here blog. I went to college with them. And was thinking the other day what I used to do.

They would be hanging out on his bed and I would stop in and chat. (While trying to ignore the Boy George poster he had*). Then I would say, "OK, see you later." But I would only pretend to leave. I would really be hiding behind the desk. Then I'd hide out.

Like a sleeper cell.

Waiting.

Listening.

And when he would try and talk all lovey dovey I'd peek out and say, "A-HAAAAAA!"

Mrs. C would laugh. Mr C would get pissed and kick me out.

One time I even caught him kissing her arm. Kind of like Pepe LaPew does. And of course..."BUSTED!"

After that he would lead me to the door and lock it.

(image note: that's not Mrs Crotchpains. Just a random college dorm picture from the 80's that I found. But....How. Do. You. Do?????)

*I would always take the Boy George poster off of his wall and hang it on his ceiling above his bed. Seriously, what man has a poster of Boy George?

I Wish I Saved My Pictures Of The Wienermobile. Gay Street West Chester

Do you know what that is?

No you don't. I'll tell you.

It's the Wienermobile! And guess what? I saw it two years ago on Gay Street in West Chester. I walked quickly across the street to get a closer look. Not REALLY quickly like a spaz or anything but quick enough that if it was pulling away I could have yelled, "STOP WIENERMOBILE! COME BACK! YOU'RE HEADING TOWARD DOWNINGTOWN! THOSE PEOPLE WON'T APPRECIATE YOU!"

Look how cool it is. They said on the wikipedia page that they had a contest where winners could use it for a day. I wish I had known about that. I would have driven it around...elbow out the window..acting like it's no big deal.

And I also wish I had saved the pictures of me standing in front of the wienermobile. I guess I'll have to hope and pray that we'll cross paths again. You never know.

But in the meantime I found this picture of a one armed man standing in front of the wienermobile and he kinda looks a little like me. Except I don't know why he's doing the "hang loose" hand motion. What does that have to do with hot dogs? Total disrespect.

Some Things I'm Craving. Snapper Soup Is One.

Oh baby I'm craving some snapper soup. (See picture above). It's snapping turtle ya know. And you pour a little sherry in and swirl it around. Ever have it? I had no idea it's a regional dish to the Northeast. I always thought it was a Southern dish. Not according to the Food Network.

Then when I'm done that I'd like some Shrimp Lejon. I used to make it all the time. Haven't in a while. It's shrimp wrapped in bacon with horseradish in the midde. Here's a picture:


Then when I'm done I'd like a slice of chocolate peanut butter pie. You know me and peanut butter. OK. Get to work.

The Braillettes. Wheeeeeere's the Miiiiiike?

"No ladies...the microphones are over here...no...to the left....Nope. That's a banana...a little further...no...too far..."

And my favorite is the one in the middle. I bet her name is Maryanne. Or Edna.

And not to be a jerk but is the one on the bottom even blind? Something fishy's going on...

De Molen Cease and Desist. Station Taproom Downingtown.

I've seen the light. And it's Cease and Desist Russian Imperial Stout.

So I stopped into the Station Taproom in Downingtown the other week for their happy hour. I haven't been there in about a year. They have a great happy hour. Most pints are $3. And they have a great selection.

Oh and the delicious pork sammies are $5.

I had two beers then I ordered a De Molen Cease and Desist Russian Imperial Stout and was all, "WHHHAAATT?" It was so good. I really like beer but I'm not a total beer geek. I'll find beers that I really like but rarely do I find one that is so great that I love every sip like I do with wine.

Well I was enjoying it so much that I didn't even notice it wasn't even a pint. It was a 10 ounce. Well I knew that it wasn't a pint but thought it was included in the $3 beers. It wasn't. It was $9!!! It was my mistake though. And I would never intentionally order a $9 beer but I'm glad I did. It was deeeelisssh!

And the staff there? All really friendly. I give Station Taproom a thumbs up.

Check Her Out Getting Spunky At The Beginning. ABBA.

Check out my girl (the blond one) getting all spunky and kicking her legs out at the beginning of the song Waterloo. This was their classic performance at Momarkedet. You know Momarkedet? Yeah you do. That famous Norwegian show Momarkedet?

Yeah. You do.

And check out those cat shirts. What the?

I will hand it to ABBA though. I saw a show on them and they barely knew what they were singing. OK I gotta go so enjoy. Leave your thoughts and reflections in the comments area.

Worst Casting Of The Year In The Sitter. Kylie Bunbury.

I think I wrote about my relationship number dating theory. It's this: You rarely see more than a 4 point difference in the looks department of people. Meaning if you're a 4, you probably won't be dating a 9.

There are exceptions. If the dude is really rich. Or maybe SUPER charismatic. Or if the dude is kinda of mental. And maybe if he's really religious. But lets face it. Do you ever see more than a 4 point difference?

(SPOILER ALERT)

And I was reminded of this when I saw trailer for The Sitter. I saw the movie a few weeks ago. Pretty funny. But a still heavy Jonah Hill ends up with Kylie Bunbury. He's a 2 and she's a 9.5. Sooooooo unbelievable! And I hope it doesn't come off as shallow but you would never see this in real life. And it makes even less sense given the context of the movie.

And actors do this all the time. Hear this Adam Sandler? You and Kate Beckinsale? I don't think so. Even though that one made more sense than this.

And below is the picture of Kylie Bunbury. You be the judge.


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I Wished I Had A Monkey AND My Pappy Out Of Jail. And Chicken.

As you probably know I love searching the Youtube. Here's a short clip of the guys from Our Gang. And pisses me off that ANYTHING these days is called racist. This 15 second clip is from the 30's and the comments are loaded with "This is racist" because of what Steimy said.

I don't know. What do you think?

And whatever you think you gotsa admit those kids were cute. (All DEAD now. I think)

West Chester Man Decides To Practice Using Chopsticks. Wasabi.

Did you guys ever hear of sushi? (SAY: Soooo-sheee). Go ahead. Say it with me. Sushi.

Uh...OK. Keep practicing.

It's a Japanese food. Its seafood and some veggies wrapped in rice and stuff. You can see it on the photograph above.

That was the meal I had last week at Wasabi it West Chester and it was deeeeeeeliiiissh! I love that place. It's all dark and mysterious. And they have mystical New Age/Japanese music playing. It's totally honorable. And the staff is really nice. Authentic Japanese. Not like some of these fly by night places that probably use Mexican workers and try and pass them off to the untrained eye as pure, 100% Japanese. Oh I can tell.

And the girl that seated me was really cute. And totally respectful of my Western ways. Knowing that although we have different cultures - we are are all the same. In a way. Except for the cultural stuff. And how we look and some other things.

The only thing is that I need to work on my chopstick skills. On a scale of one to ten I'm a six. I'd like to be a solid nine. Maybe - dare I dream - even a 10. So I picked up an extra pair if C's (that's what I'm going to start calling them) and I've been practicing.

Stay tuned.

Naughty Stewardesses. Oh Beeeeehaaaave! Trailer.

Check out this 1975 trailer for a movie called "Naughty Stewardesses. They look nothing like today's "Flight Attendants." I hate that name. It should be stewardesses and stewards.

And look at the hand at 2:04 when the guy reaches in for food but tries to grab her boob. And he gets slapped. YOU GOT SCHOOOOOOLED!

Incident That Happened At The Brickette Lounge. Westtown.

This past weekend I went to The Brickette Lounge to hear some good ole' fashion Country music - YEEEEEEE HAWWWWW! *does that dance where he puts hands on hips and starts kicking his legs from side to side*

The place has been around for ages. Back in the day if you went there and you weren't wearing "country clothes" you stuck out like a sore thumb. Nowadays though, there's a mixed crowd. There were country folk AND city slickers. College kids AND some people in their 70's. I wore a sweater and didn't feel weird or NOTHIN'!

Anyways, the first slow song comes on - "Crazy" - and I see this old timer get up and start walking toward the dance floor. He's about 75 and has a beard. Wearing a cowboy hat, vest, cowboy shirt, boots...the whole deal.

And I'm thinking, "Who is he looking for? He's been sitting by himself the whole time?"

And he's looking around. Oh my God! He's looking for someone to ask to dance! And it wasn't that crowded yet so the only single women left are a group of three college girls. And so he sloooowly walks toward them. Little tiny steps. And I started feeling really sad for him. I bet his wife died and he used to go there all the time and he just wanted to relive a memory of dancing with someone and pretend it's her. I don't want to make you cry but I bet her name was Millie. Sweet old Millie.

So he taps her on the shoulder and asks her..... And she said yes!! So they got up and slow danced! Cheek to cheek! And she was good looking too! Not some slob that was thinking, "OK. Any port in the storm.*"

And she didn't even look over at her friends like it was a goof. My faith in humanity is slightly restored.

*And chicks do that just so you know. A few years ago these herd of young fatties walked into the Square Bar in West Chester. All dolled up and shit. And started flirting with the biggest lowlife dudes that were 20 years older. The herd leader was probably like, "OK let's face it. We haven't been laid in like 10 months. Let's just swallow our pride (and a few quarts of ice cream) and head down to the Square Bar."

Dude From Country Bagel Needs An Attitude Adjustment. Chester County.

Dear Short Dude From Country Bagel (West Chester and Exton Locations),

I'm pretty sure you're one of the co-owners but not positive. Let me just tell you how a business should work. If you price your egg and cheese bagels at 99 cents* then you are asking the public to buy it at that price. Asking me if I want anything else then saying, "Nothing?...Are you sure?" two or three times is tacky.

Then you look mad because I don't buy anything else. The sign doesn't say, "99 cent egg and cheese bagel with purchase of OJ or coffee." You don't then shove the bag at me when it's ready and say nothing with a pissed off look on your face. You've done this to me at least 15 times.

So I need you to take a week off and do some self reflection. Are we clear?

*actually raised to $1.29 a bit ago.

Is That What I Sound Like During Nightmares? Deaf People. Pears.

I was having a nightmare the other night. It was one of those nightmares where you're halfway asleep and halfway awake. In it, there was a possessed person in my room. It was probably from watching this trailer.

So in the nightmare I knew somehow that if he admitted who he was and I ordered the demon to leave he wouldn't kill me. Kind of like the opposite of letting a vampire in your house. So I'm yelling, "Who are you?" But for some reason when I yell in my sleep it comes out sounding like how deaf people talk so I'm yelling, "OOOOO RRRR OOOOO?

"OOOOO RRRRR OOOOOO?"

Then I yelled "Get the hell out of my room" which came out as "Eeee A ELLLLL OW UH I OOOOO!"

Then I woke up.

And had a dream last night of this pear shaped girl I used to work with. She was really nice but not attractive at all. And she called me up and said, "Hey Jim I thought we'd hang out then we can go back to my moms house and you can sleep over. She said it was OK."

And I say "OK" thinking we were just going to be going as friends. But then she says, "I'm so glad that I found out that you're getting divorced so we could go out."

And then I was in a panic mode because there was no way I wanted to go out with her but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. In this case I did NOT wake up screaming, "I OT ATTWACTID OOO PEARS!*"

And this is the second dream I've had like this. I think it's because I've been separated for a few months and I'm getting divorced. Or that maybe I like pears? I'm not sure.

*interpretation: I'm not attracted to pears.

You're Not Going To Believe Bruce Jenner's Outfit. Village People.

What. The. Hell??

Look at Bruce Jenner's outfit in this Village People movie. I swear this dude Hick Nut that lived in my neighborhood wore that same outfit in 8th grade. Jesus Christ. The half shirt. The tight shorts. And he always would say, "Did you see that girl? She was staring at my huge bulge."

OK. Back to this clip. As you know, there were no gay people in the 70's but when the Village People peek into the guy's locker room something seems a bit....how do I say this?..."Off." Do you know what I mean?

I don't know. Maybe it's just my imagination.

And do you think when people asked Bruce Jenner what the Village People were like he said, "Oh great guys! Super! A bit 'touchy' but....."

What's That Horseradish Nasal Thing? Nick's Roast Beef Springfield.

Oh baby I had another Rick's Original Roast Beef Sammie in Springfield the other week. Above is the amazing photo.

My only complaint is that the horseradish is VERY weak. I pile it on because I like to get that thing going where the horseradish goes up your nasal region and kind of chokes you and you're all, "Ahhhh. Ahhhh!"

Is there even a name for that? I think it should be called something like Seabiscuit's Revenge or something. I don't know. What do you think?

The Perfect Gift. And It MIGHT Be Funeral Related.

And for her birthday get her some insurance!

God I would love to see the reaction of the woman getting this as a gift. And probably best to hand the "gift" to her is in a Tiffany bag. So you can savor the full spectrum of facial expressions.

West Chester Man Discusses Mr Microphone.

I may be dating myself but remember when the telegraph first came out?

Wait I'm not THAT old!

I was going to say remember when Mr Microphone came out. I do remember using it for the first time and thinking it was pretty amazing. "You talk into the microphone and your voice comes out of the radio!!*"

Below is the cheesy commercial. Everyone would use the line "Hey good lookin' we'll be back to pick you up later!" But my favorite part is the brother doing his jive ass dance alone down the street.

I would KILL to be driving down the road and see that dude! If I had my Mr Microphone I'd be all, "Hey Jive Turkey what you doin' all dancing down the road like a damn fool??" Then when he got closer I would burn rubber in my 1979 Pinto. Hitting him with gravel. Looking in the rearview mirror as he shook his fist and vowed revenge.

Yeah OK Jive Turkey. You gotta catch my cracker ass first!!



*My amazement is similar to the guy in the beginning in the background at the Christmas party when he turns around and hand gestures like "Hey! Look at these guys! They got a microphone!"