Chester County Blogger Helps Lovers With Valentine's Day Prep.
If a blog post is written and nobody reads it, does anyone laugh? OK. That makes no sense but here's a blog post I wrote last Valentine's Day when I only had four readers. Tell me what you think. It still cracks me up. Maybe it'll help some of you clumsy lovers to prepare for Valentine's Day 2009.
Valentine's tips are easy to find online. We thought we'd ask THAT BLUE YAK'S fork lift operator Ernie Melson to share some of his wisdom with us this February 14th. Here are the tips he scribbled on a bag while "pinchin' one off". (By the way we call him Vic because he looks like Vic Taybak)
OK, here we go wid a couple doos and don'ts:
1) Treat your dame like a lady on this day.
2) Don't try to be funny on this day. Don't give your lady a card wid two black people running down the beach - no offense Earl. Unless if use is like Earl - black and all. White people - play it safe wid whites on the card. Mulatto? Use is on your own.
3) Don't get her a drill. Even if it makes complete sense that use was gonna make her the planters she's been bitchin' about using the drill.
4) Don't toss the gift to her. Hand it to her all gentleman style and such.
5) Play it safe and go with flowers. I got mine at Produce Junction in Exton as seen in the poloroid above. $10. Can't beat that except when I had to buy them last because I asked her if her jeans shrunk, theys was only $6.
6) If she's goin to Exton anyways, don't make the mistake of saying, "hey, pick yourself up some roses at Produce Junction" no matter how much it makes sense to you.
7) Don't make the mistake and walk over to the Dollar Store and put $20 worth of things in a bag for her as another gift. And it don't matter your effort either if you try to make it all romantic by pulling the dollar stuff out and gettin all clever like, "Our love is like a sponge and all" as you show her the sponge.
8) Call her classy at least 5 times during the day. Check off the times you do it by marking off the number of times on a piece of paper or matches or something. Remember not to let her see you marking off the number of times because then she's gonna say it doesn't count or something.
9) Say, "You smell good -what are you made of roses and flowers and junk." Look up from the T.V. when you say it.
10) Say to her, "Hold on, I'm callin' heaven because I think an angel escaped and shit." Don't try to then catch her wid a fishin' net to make it more believable especially if you're about to leave for the Red Lobster and she's already dolled up and stuff.
Follow these tips and you'll probably be able to be gettin' it on later wid out liftin' a meat hook on her.
27 comments:
And I still think #9 would work as a pickup line if you used it in a bar that was near the docks.
The mulatto section in the Hallmark store is woefully understocked.
"you'll probably be able to be gettin' it on later wid out liftin' a meat hook on her."
Ernie is a poet. He should be writing greeting cards and shit.
Ernie, you Cassanova, you. How come you never came back from picking up my flowers at Exton?
Crap. I hope I still have the receipt for that drill.
Regarding the photo, you are looking rather jaunty with your cap on the far right there.
Is Ernie single? Because it sounds to me like he's a catch: has a job and knows shit about de ladiez.
Wow....Red Lobster and shit! That'll woo her! (snicker)
I personally would love a drill!!
Happy Tuesday!
- Jennifer
Gwen - Ernie was married but is now single.
Jennifer - Yeah Red Lobster. Only the best for Ernie's gals.
Us classy ladies don't do the dollar store. You go, Ernie!!
Oh, I'm so sad right now.
J sent me to the store once, and told me to "get myself some nice flowers while i was there." Told me I deserved something special.
I guess that made up for the time I took him to Hallmark and "showed" him the birthday card I would have bought...if I'd remembered.
Wow, just imagine what gems he woulda come up with if he was really paying attention and wasn't busy 'pinching one off' at the time!
I'm glad I'm already single, because if I'd followed Ernie's advice, I'd be single anyway AND out at least three dollars.
Also, I'm still waiting for Hallmark to make a Valentine's Day card appropriate for my RealDoll.
Oh yeah, I'd totally be giving it up after #9 and #10!!!
LOLOL
Would busting out my 64 pack of Crayloas and drawing some roses on teh back of an old envelope count as thoughtful?
guru;
You had me at # 1...then I read on.
You just think funny...right?
I looked over at your followers and with 172...I'd say you're a must read.
Peggy - thanks and welcome to my amazing blog.
And yes. I think I'm pretty funny.
Mulatto? Use is on your own.
The story of my life. I wonder what the prez is buying?
Good advice. "Look up from the TV when you say it" Hee hee hee.
Egad! Now I think YOUR blog is flirting with ME, Zibbs. My wv: thordic. (snicker) thordic....
Ernie needed to define 'junk'. You don't want to let the lady think you're talking about fish heads or something.
good advice, actually... I dated a few guys who could have learned something form Ernie...
Us mulattos get no respect. Also, what if you're in an inter-racial relationship like the Obamas? where do you get one of those cards?
I think I love Ernie.
Slopmaster - you're a mulatto?
It is the one day I play it straight up. Screwing around trying to funny doesn't work at all...
my dad usually asks my mom for money to buy flowers....always a charm
Every man should read this! Very helpful and on the mark. Your friend is a wise man.
Now th answer your first question...
"If a blog post is written and nobody reads it, does anyone laugh?" I remember last year breakng out into uncontrollable laughter at the same exact time this was posted. Now I know why.
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