West Chester Man Gets Eerie Look On Struble Trail in Downingtown.

Alright I swear I'm not making this up or exaggerating.

I was walking the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few days ago. It's a nice trail that borders the Brandywine River. Delightlful. It's about 80% shaded too. So if you want to keep your smooth, alibaster skin perfect it's the place for you.

So I see a couple approaching me. They're holding hands. I could tell as they got closer that they were in their teens. Once I'm about 20 feet from them I realize that the dude is an Indian and the girl is a.... Wait for ittttt...a mongoloid!

And this is where it turned weird. As she's passing me she gave me this look. A look of convidence. As if saying, "Yeah. I've got a boyfriend." I swear to God it was just weird! Or it was like how a vampire would look at you and he was saying to you, "This is OUR secret. Are we clear with this?" Usually when a retarded person looks at you it's obvious that they're retarded but she looked completely lucid. The whole thing was just odd.

And is it even legal for a normal to date a retarded person??

Or maybe she just LOOKED mongoloid like Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley (see picture below) but I swear she was retarded.

Horrifying Thing I Saw One Time. Finger Nail Related. Lions Share in Exton.

One time I was putting up drywall with some dude. And I had just met him. So we were working very closely.

And I had to hold a piece of the framing material. I forget what it’s called. Like the skeleton of the wall before the drywall goes up. I think you know what I mean. So I’m holding the metal piece and his hand is about 5” from my face because he’s holding a level and I see this:



Well I see “B.” “A” shows a normal pinky and “B” shows the pinky I saw. It was a pinky that had been cut off and it had an itsy bitsy nail grafted (I assume) onto a part of the amputated finger to trick the viewer (I assume) into thinking that it was a normal pinky. So kinda like at first glance someone might be like, “Oh my God is that a chopped of pinky?..oh no..there’s a finger nail. Let me just get back to what I was doing.”

A bit deceiving if you ask me.

But I wasn’t tricked. Oh no. It caught me so off guard I kind of froze. Like in horror. Like when someone jumps out on you and scares you. And that few seconds after you’re trying to recover. So I just looked at it.

A similar thing happened when I was a busboy at the Lion’s Share Restaurant in Exton and I reached down to clear a plate and was caught off guard when I noticed that the dude had one of those fake arms. I’m talking the old school kind with the hook thing at the end and the wires that help it move. You know that kind?

And I had the same shocked, deer in the headlights look.

Did that ever happen to you guys?

Boy Forced To LIsten To Dickie Goodman At Cousin's House in 5th Grade.

When I was a kid we'd visit my cousin's about three times a year. My father and his sister didn't get along. That's why it was so infrequent. And that was fine with me. Because even though they were nice. They were total nerds. And it was always a really uncomfortable visit. Kind of like, "You kids are the same age. You must have things in common. Go hang out together for three hours."

I remember going over once in about 5th or 6th grade and as as soon as I walked in the door the two cousins that were my age were like, "Jimmy! You've got to hear this record!!"

So we went upstairs and they were so excited running up, "This is the funniest thing you ever heard! Wait till you hear this!" I knew there was no way it could be.

And they proceeded to put on "Mr Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. It's supposed to be funny. And they sat there and stared at me in anticipation. So excited. Waiting for me to laugh.

And I sat there stonefaced. Uncomfortable. Knowing this was one of the stupidest things ever. And then they started mimicing it as it was playing. I remember being so uncomfortable so I pretended to laugh at parts. But I've always been bad at that. Especially when something is SO not funny. And I STILL hate when people do that. They'll say, "Bill, tell that hysterical story you were telling me." And depending on who is telling it I can tell right away it's going to be a snoozefest.

And they were all, "WAIT..LISTEN TO THIS PART!! '..with me is the local sheriff. Sheriff? What do you intend to do?'"

And then they'd look at me. Then when it was over they would crack up and say, "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT!! We gotta hear that again!!!" And they put it on again. And again. And yes....even again. Here is the nightmare:

Inglehoffer Horseradish Endorsed By Important West Chester Man

MMMMMMM-Mmmmmmmm!

I'd like to take a moment to tell you what I've been loving. Inglefoffer thick-n-creamy horseradish.

I've always been more of a "prepared horseradish" fan. You know...how there are specs of horseradish and it's not creamy? But sometimes it's not hot enough. You don't get that back of the throat heat zing that goes up to your nose sometimes. And most of the horseradish sauces aren't hot at all.

I really should do a taste test with various horseradishes but in the mean time I'm going with Inglehoffer thick-n-creamy.*

I just had it on a turkey sandwich. And it was so friggin' good. So go buy some. Tell em' Zibbs sent ya.

Seriously, like if the stock boy is standing there tell him I sent you. And report back to me about what he says.

Actually wire yourself so you get it on audio. Then transcribe it when you get home. So you don't fuck it up. OK. Get to work.

*Note to self: consider introducing myself to people as "Thick-n-creamy"

Movies. Backdraft, Chris Elliot with Little Hand and MORE!

A few random things about movies:

- I saw Final Destination 5. It was OK as expected but the special effects were unreal. Especially at the beginning when the bridge collapses. Great death scenes. I couldn't watch the scene where the chick goes to the eye doctor though because it skeeved me out too much.

- Watched Scary Movie 2 again on TV and it's still got some really funny parts. Every scene with Chris Elliot is hysterical. With his little hand. And he tries to touch everyone's face with his itty bitty hand? See picture above.

- For some reason I watched most of Backdraft on TV the other day. Oh brother what a piece of melodramatic crap. The most laughable being Billy Baldwin's character saying to Kurt Russell's character in the ambulance: "Hold on. Hold on you son of a bitch!" (when he thinks he's about to die)

- Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Holy crap did anyone see this?? The movie overall isn't great but the special effects on the apes is great! Oh my God.

So there you go.

This Time At The Rat In West Chester. Embarrassing Cheerleader Incident.

I don’t remember what made me think of this but here’s a story of something that happened when I was 21. It’s one of those stories where you think everything is going really good….and then things go wrong. Terribly wrong.

I was at this college bar called The Rat in West Chester. And I see this girl that was a year ahead of me in high school. She was pretty good looking but I didn’t know her that well. She had been a cheerleader and although we didn’t talk in high school I met her after high school through some mutual friends.

So I see her across the bar and I had a few drinks in me so I go over to ask her to dance. She’s all excited to see me and says, “Yeah! I’ll dance with you!”

She was what one would call “peppy.” Annoying really. But I didn’t care at the time because she was hot.

So we go out onto the dance floor. The dance floor is packed. And from the beginning she was starting to annoy me because it was like I wasn’t even there. She was kind of just dancing to herself.

Then…it happened.

She started doing cheerleader moves. You know…like kicks. Then moving her arms around like she had pom poms in them. I was thinking, “What the hell is this queer ass dance??” It looked totally retarded. Then people started to back away and give her room. She was making a total spectacle of herself. I forget if people were laughing at her but I think they were.

And she kept getting more and more into it. Doing that jump where both legs bend and go behind you and both arms are into the air. Then single kicks..then…(and I’m not kidding)..she did a cartwheel. On the dance floor.

That’s when I kind of just shamefully backed away into the crowd. Giving a look of, “What the hell is that chick doing?” The song ends and she jumps up and down as if a touchdown was just scored. Gayest fucking thing you ever saw. I think I just said, “OK then. Thanks.” And walked away.

So what do you make of that?

Hysterical Low Budget Non PC Commercial for a Gym. MUST SEE!

HAHAHA!!!!!!! What the hell????

Well they do get the message across. So what do you think? Notice those are beer goggles he's wearing.

I think in the outtake he pulls a gun out and kills her.

Downingtown Old Country Buffet Prepares For Commercial.

Here’s an idea for a commercial that I’ll be offering Old Country Buffet*:

- Instead of “All you can eat,” The promotion will be called “All Hugh can eat.”

- And Hugh will be this huge fat fuck. Close to four bills. The following is just a random brainstorming list of some ideas for the commercial:

- Opening of commercial shows Hugh pulling up in his handicap van and hobbling up the six steps to the restaurant. (Stopping twice to catch his breath).

- Huge stands at the hostess table and is greeted by a cheerful hostess who says to Hugh “follow me” – giving the appearance that he’s being seated in a real live restaurant and not a homeless shelter grade dining hall. She reminds Hugh of the “no sharing policy.” She looks at him again and says, “Seriously…no sharing. We’ll find out if you do. And you won’t be able to come back. Are we clear with that?”**

- Hugh drops his oxygen tank at his table and makes his way to the vittles. Mother’s pull children from his path as if guarding them from a charging rhino.

- Hugh wraps his sausage fingers around the dirty ladles and drops food onto his plate: Heat lamp crusted mac and cheese, unseasoned baked chicken, mashed potaters topped with fatty gravy and more….much, much more.

- His plate is loaded. A young chubby lad looks up at him, “Hey Mister, you don’t need to load up your plate THAT much because it’s all you can eat.”

- Hugh looks at the boy, leans down as much as he can and with garlic and cigar breath hitting the kid’s face with the intensity of a CVS handheld hairdryer says, “No mother fucker, It’s all HUGH can eat. You got that? All HUGH can eat. So get the FUCK out of my way!”

- Then cheerfully the announcer explains that although it’s all HUGH can eat, it’s also all YOU can eat. Both really. Hugh AND you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like everyone can eat at Old Country Buffet. Hugh AND you….the person watching the commercial. All creeds too. Seriously. Everyone.

*Commercial to be filmed at the Downingtown Old Country Buffet.
**See what I did there? I worked the problem of sharing right there into the commercial. So it’s crystal clear that people know. Maybe slow zoom in shot of a video camera will follow - with a huge eye peering out. Not sure what it will do to the pacing or tone of the commercial. That decision can be made in editing.

The Getup I Wore At Senior Week. Ocean City. Surgical Shirt.

Jesus Christ I can’t believe what I used to wear back in the day. Here was the getup I wore at senior week. I have a picture to prove it but I won’t be posting it.

I’ll start from the bottom and work my way up.

Converse hightops (untied)
Tight ass Levi’s jeans
Belt (thank GOD I didn't have a rock group belt buckle)
Surgical shirt (authentic)*
Blue bandana tied around neck. Ala’ Howdy Doody.
Lightening bolt ear ring.

And I actually hooked up with two chicks wearing that outfit. What were they thinking???*

*look at me saying "authentic" with unbridled pride.
**I ran into the one chick a few years ago. She's looks 10 years older than her age. Found the other on Facebook. She still looks pretty hot.

Stand-up Nightmare and Book That You May Like. Comedians.

Yes. I know how to read. I’ve been reading a lot lately as a matter of fact. And one book I’d like to recommend is “I Killed: Top Stories of the Road from America’s Top Comics.”*

It’s basically stand-ups telling their favorite stories from traveling around the country doing comedy. Some of the stories are hysterical.

- Taking a dump in the comedy condo pool.
- Two comedians picked up a drunk chick and had sex with her. They realized the next day she wasn’t drunk. She was actually retarded. Whoops.
- One comedian picked up a chick and brought her back to her apartment. She wanted to be tied up so he did. Then he had to run to his car and get something but when he came back he forgot which apartment she was in. Haha. Guess who is was? Jay Leno! Do you believe that??

Many of the stories are about the nightmares of doing stand-up. Like bombing.

My worst nightmare when I did stand-up was when a fellow comic friend of mine started booking shows. So he booked a show at a college bar near Drexel University in Philly. The problem was that it was the day before Spring break so everyone was out to just party. They had no idea that a comedy show was supposed to even happen so it was like, “Attention everyone. The show is about to start. Hello? Could everyone please keep it down? The show is about to start.”

Oh. And the microphone wasn’t really working so only people five feet away could hear. Everyone was just standing around in groups talking. Drunk. Except five college frat douche bags that pulled chairs up to the front of the stage and as I walked out just started yelling, “You suck. You’re not funny. Nobody is listening.”

Literally the only people that could hear were these five guys. So I was like F this noise and left the stage. The dude booking it was like, “What are you doing? You can’t just walk off stage.”

I was like, “Fuck you Steve. Keep the $20.”

What a joke.

*If you’re local you can check it out of the Chester County Library.

Thoughts about Jennifer Aniston. Horrible Bosses.

Do you know what’s weird? I’ve never thought Jennifer Aniston was that hot. She’s pretty but something about her personality just turned me off.

Until…..

I saw her in the movie “Horrible Bosses”*

And I think I liked her because she was super slutty. Not just the extra eyeliner but the character she played. She plays a dentist who’s trying to get her dental assistant into the sack. And she’s all horned up all the time. Sexually harassing him at every turn. Probably the best movie role she’s had really. Actually the only good movie role she’s had because all of her movies stink.

And two Jennifer Aniston questions:

1) Why is she still considered America’s sweetheart?

2) Why do so many magazine’s pull for her to find somebody? There are tons of great guys she could date but she obviously only wants to date another celebrity so if you ask me it’s her own damn fault. What do YOU the reader think?

*check your local listings for showtimes

Llama

Check out this asshole:

Krass Brothers. Philly Old School Commercial. Shanks.

Anyone from the Philly area remember the Krass Brothers commercials? Take a look. Which girl is your favorite? I bet you like the one second from the left don't you?

Come on...don't lie.

And look at when the women are talking. He's mouthing their lines.

Nightmare and Dreams From Chester County Blogger.

I was away with my son two weeks ago at a hotel because he had to pick his college classes so we stayed overnight at a hotel. So in the morning he says, “Dad what were you having a nightmare about?”

And then I remembered what I did in the middle of the night. I woke up, sat up and loudly said, “WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA WHA AHHHHHHHH!!!”

The “AHHHHHH” being a scream. Then I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. Kind of like a stroke victim, “A ra ra ra ra ra”…

I forget what the nightmare was about but I have been having more nightmares these days for some reason. And I wake up screaming.

But I still have tons of regular dreams too. Like the other night two people were trying to convince me to go to Halloween party at their CCD. I guess it was CCD for adults because they were two grown women. And I didn’t want to go because they wanted me to wear a grass skirt and be like male hula dancer. And I was too embarrassed to wear it. And because CCD is BS.

Then the one woman jumped on top of me and said I got a joke for you. And then she pretended to kiss me. She said, “Anda one…”. And I’m thinking, “OK this is weird.”

Then she kissed me for real and said, “..Anda two.”

And then she said, “…Anda THREE.” And then she pretended to pull a toy out of her butt and said, “Get it??”

And I just wanted her to get off of me so I said, “Oh yeah. I get it.”

What do you make of that?

Oh. And I had a dream last night that I had a staple caught in my dick and the local news stations were calling because they wanted to interview me.

Amy Winehouse And First Impression. Letterman.

Really sad about Amy Winehouse dying. I remember the first time I saw her on Letterman a few years ago and being blown away. I can't remember the last time I saw a musical act and I was so moved. Really. Maybe the Killers. But still.

And if you just sneak a peek you're like, "What a skank." But you look closer and there's something so sexy and chrasimatic and hypnotizing. Well..maybe to me. Here's the performance.

Let me know what you think.

Adam Sandler Trailer Mashup Is Pretty Funny Over Here.

Haha!! This mashup of the new Adam Sandler trailer is pretty funny. What do you think?

Pretty Funny Quick Video. Talking Dog.

Kinda dumb but also "Dots a good von!"

I Was First On The Scene Of A Car Crash Yesterday. Bucks County.

Oh man. Yesterday was a doooozy. I was returning from Wawa near work and I slowed and stopped at a red light. Next thing you know a woman came screeching behind me and slams into the telephone pole right next to me! (That’s the actual telephone pole above. I can’t believe it wasn’t smashed in two) She was probably going about 40MPH. She must have been distracted and swerved so she wouldn’t hit me.

I look and I see the airbags. Her car is totaled.

I jump out and her face is covered with blood from the airbag. And she’s screaming and crying hysterically. Someone else at the Wawa saw it and called 911. It was pretty bad.

So I look in the back and there’s a baby in the back seat. His head was smooshed up and at first I thought maybe his neck was broken but it wasn’t. He was fine as far as I could tell. The woman is still screaming and appeared to be in shock. She’s saying, “My husband stole all my money and kicked me out of the house and I’m on my way to a woman’s shelter.” She repeated this about 10 times.

Then the baby started crying so I held the bottle through the window for the baby because I was afraid that if I picked the baby up I might hurt it.

A nurse must have seen what happened and ran across the street and was helping to calm the woman down.

When the police arrived I left. And then when I drove away I realized how surreal and crazy it was and my hands started shaking.

Yup. It was fuuuucked uuup!

Oh and in other car related news a deer jumped in front of my car this morning and I hit it’s foot. No damage.

I hope car related bad things don’t happen in threes.

Man Palms Head of Woman at the Square Bar in West Chester.

So I was at the Square Bar in West Chester the other night and saw this girl that I know. So I walk over to her (she’s not facing me) and I literally palm her head. Like you would do to a basketball.

Well, she turns around and guess what? Yup. It wasn’t her. Whoooops. I was all, “Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

Phew! At least she was cool about it. And there were a bunch of people all crammed together and I had a few drinks in me so it really wasn’t embarrassing. She just kind of laughed and said, “Oh that’s OK.”

I guess that beats getting slapped.

A similar thing happened when I was in third grade. I was at church and after mass I snuck up to a girl I thought was my older sister, pulled her hair back and just whispered gibberish into her ear. Like, “Blubba goola gobbla ramalam ring ding gooba agoobba…” (something like that)

And she turns around like, “WHAT THE HELL?....”

I froze like a deer in headlights. Then I just turned and walked away. And I had to see her for the next 10 years in church. I never made eye contact with her. Because of the shame.

Black Mama, White Mama. Women in Chains.

How. The. Hell....did I never hear of this movie?? Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the trailer for Black Mama, White Mama.

Some Movies I''ve Seen Lately Mostly in Downingtown. Kristen Wiig is Cute.

A few movies I've seen in order of worst to best.

The Hangover 2 - Terrible. What a rip off of the first. I want my money back. And Mike Tyson singing was the most unwatchable thing I've seen on film all year.

Bad Teacher - Some laughs. One of those movies that you'll stop and watch once it's on TV and you're flipping around. And how did Jason Segel start to get all these roles? He's kind of hard to look at. Am I wrong?

Green Lantern - Do you think I actually would sit through this movie that looks like a video game? From what I saw from the trailer? The special effects look too fake. Noooo friggin' thank you!

Horrible Bosses - Some pretty good laughs. Not great but pretty good. And I never thought Jennifer Aniston was hot but she's SUPER hot in this. I think it was the slutty eye makeup.

Super 8 - I really liked this. It felt like an old time Spielberg movie. And I like that it took place in the 70's.

Bridesmaids - Really funny. And I predict that Kristen Wiig (see picture above) is going to be in a lot of movies because of this. She super adorable. Nothing like a really funny cute girl. So rare.

So did you guys see any of these? And has 2011 been bad for movies or what?

Buddy's Burgers In West Chester And Exton Gets A Review

It’s official. I will now declare my favorite cheeseburger anywhere. It goes to Buddy’s Burgers, Breasts and Fries. Located in West Chester, PA and Exton, PA. Note picture above that really doesn’t highlight it’s deliciousness too well. Oh well. You’re gonna have to live with it.

And did you ever notice that some people never declare their favorite foods? I do.

And trust me. I’ve had burgers all over the place. I guess what makes this cheeseburger the best is that not only is the meat fresh (not frozen. I may be making this up) but the veggies are always super fresh. Especially the lettuce. Nice and crisp.

Also, the bun is covered with sesame seeds*. Which I love.

It’s even better than Five Guys Burgers.

Here are the toppings I get on mine: bacon, American chee, lettuce, onion, tomater, pickles (the pickles are quarter inch thick deli pickles), ketchup and mustard.

Oh. And I just read some reviews and avocado is included as a free topping. Which I never knew. So next time I’ll be getting that on top too.

So there you go.

*I had a discussion with the owner once and he said they tried a variety of different buns until the found the right one. (Look at me going all investigative journalist on his ass)

Casey Anthony To Pose For Playboy. Nude.

Casey Anthony will pose in Playboy.....is my prediction*. Don't you think? She does need the money.

My other prediction on Twitter was that she'll be on a reality show. But I don't think that will be for a few years.

Oh. And on a related note my @FatherKelly tweet right after that verdict came out got 190 Retweets. I didn't even think the tweet was that funny to tell you the truth. The tweet was: "I wonder if Nancy Grace turned into the hulk? #notguilty "

*I'll report back in a week or so how many hits I got from using that title for a blog post.

I Just Got Yelled At By A Carny!

Once and a while I'll get a comment on a blog post that I wrote a long time ago. For example I wrote a post about these dancers that were on Soul Train and how one of the dancers look all nervous and shit?...Well the actual dancer left a message saying he was NOT nervous.

So this weekend I got a comment on one of my favorite blog posts. It's called Top 10 Things I Need to Know About Carny Housing. To read the post click here.

Did you see the comment at the very end? Yup. That's one pissed off Carny. Here's the comment in case you want to read it again:

Hi, im a South African that got recruited to work and travel in America for a carnival over 8 months. We are the biggest carnival company called North American Midway Entertainment. Yes those are what out bunks look like. Most of us come from farms or cities just like u do. Ordinary people exploring a new country. We are hundreds of employees from different countries. Ever wonder how those rides get set up and torn down every week? We are not filthy animals living in a shoe box. We take pride in ourselves and what we do. Of course u get the dodgy few but u do in almost every work place. And about the gypseys, there are none. When last have u been to a carnival? Do u eat at a carnival? Why buy food from stinky dirty carnies? Your all so ignorant its pathetic

Not too shabby huh? And only a few errors. But it did make me feel a bit bad. And I have a feeling he actually hates gypsies.

Chester County Man Shares Important Recipe. Peppers.

Behold it's glory.

OK this shouldn't even be considered a recipe because it's just so easy. But also it's sooo delicious. I give you: The Dr Van Huesen* Sphincter Burners.

OK. Get your aprons on and lets get cooking:

- Buy a bag of long hots. I get mine from Produce Junction in Exton because you get a huge bag for $2.
- Slice open the peppers and remove seeds and the walls. You know...the white part. I forget what they're called. The veins? No. I think it's the walls.
- Add a strip of prosciutto to the peppers then stuff it with cheese. I usually stuff some with mozzeralla and others with cheddar.
- Sprinkle some salt and pepper on top and drizzle some olive oil on top as well.
- Place in pan and cook for about 20 minutes at 350 or until cheese is melted.

Then? ...Enjoy.

*Van Huesen is one of my aliases.

A Post About All The Girls From My Past. Chicks.

The other day I was thinking of something odd. What if you could gather every person you’ve ever hooked up with in one place? From people you’ve made out with to people you’ve…well…you know*.

I’m picturing for me I’ll need a large place**. You can use a VFW but for me I’m thinking a really nice place. Cause I’m classy like that. Hey, if you want to skimp and have a roast beef station and two drink tickets for each guest that’s fine. Go for it. For me though? Ima keep it classy. I’ll be wearing a tux too. Actually maybe just a really nice suit. Yeah, a suit should do it.

And here’s the thing: All the women would be the exact same age as when I hooked up with them. And wearing the clothes that they wore the first time I was with them. “Hey, there’s one with a Duran Duran shirt!”…”Ooohh. Loving the shoulder pads!”

And they would all have name tags that list their names as well as the place we met because to tell you the truth I don’t want to embarrass myself by saying, “Uh so how do I know you?” So for instance a name tag might say, “Maryanne – Phillies ball girl” or “Jane – Pub at Georgetown University” or “Amy – Ocean City Boardwalk.” You get the idea.

And it might be kind of weird because some of the “women” would be underage. But still. I would mingle around. Chit chatting. Aweing them with stories of the modern age, “Yes in 2011 we have computers. In our homes. And this thing? It’s a phone AND a computer!”

Then here’s the weird thing. Once the cocktail hour was over, (and I made a “thanks for coming” speech – peppered with amusing tales) a new group of women would come in the room. And these women would be the same women that I hooked up with but how they look NOW. And they would come in and stand next to their younger self. Oh yeah this is gonna be great.

I wonder which ones still look good and which ones would have let themselves go?*** Hmmmm…I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

OK. Now somebody make this happen.

I will now open this up to a question and answer session in the comments area.

*Vodeo-do-do
**To make sure that everyone is there I would give the party planner the piece of paper I have hidden in my attic that lists all the women I ever hooked up with. I wrote it out years ago. I wrote it when I was drinking one night in case I ever get senile and I forget. Come to think of it, I forget where I stashed it up there.
*** I know one that let herself go. This chick we’ll call “CZ” that I was with for a few weeks in college. I swear if you saw her then you would shit. Sexy blond with a super hot, curvy 18 year old bod. Literally a 36-24-36. I know this because I asked her. Well about two years ago I searched her name and I found her. Sadly, she is now a whale. Easily over 220 pounds. Easy on the buffet CZ. Easy on the buffet.

Messing With The Lunch Of A Jerk. Revenge.

I’m not saying this story is true.

But I’m also not saying it’s false.

But suppose I used to work with someone. And this person was a a-hole. Like in meetings she would just snap at not just me – but at everyone. You know the type. Just a big jerk and a bully. Accusing everyone of false things, not being a team player, narcing people out.

So suppose then I realized that she always brought her lunch in a red cooler. So one day I crushed the chips.

And she went all bat shit telling everyone that her chips were crushed. Everyone acted shocked but was secretly happy.

Then a week later I dropped staples and crinkled post-its in the cooler. And a few weeks later I took a single bite out of the sandwich.

Do my alleged deeds even things up? Probably.

The Time I Put My Foot In My Mouth. Boy Scouts.

Oh my God. How did I forget to post this story about when I totally put my foot in my mouth?... Then shamelessly tried to back pedal my way out of it. Like lamest backpedal ever.

This was a few years ago and I was coming back from a night out with my friend “The Child” and The Child’s college buddy. I met the college buddy maybe 3 times over the years but didn’t really know him well at all. (And to set the picture the buddy was kind of a serious guy.)

We’re driving in the car and a radio commercial for the Boy Scouts comes on. Then this happens:

Me: (in loud, blow hard, sarcastic voice) The Boy Scouts? Phhhhttttt! What about those dudes that are Boy Scouts into high school? Like an Eagle Scout? "Look, I earned my 'Doesn’t want to get laid badge.' Look at meeeee..” You’ve got to be kidding me.

College Friend: (from the back seat) Actually both of my son’s are in high school and really involved in Scouting. I’ve even been a troop leader. We’ve gone on some great camping trips and it’s been a really great experience.

**** SOUND OF SCREECHING BRAKES IN MY HEAD…TOTALLY EMBARRASSED, THE WORST BACKPEDALING BEGINS*****

Me: Really? (acting is if his three sentence statement somehow changed my entire perspective on what I think about being a Boy Scout in high school. Like it was the closing statement in the Scopes Monkey Trial and I finally saw the light) …I didn’t know THAT. Hmmm..I guess scouting can be kind of cool.

Silence from the backseat. Then The Child changes the subject. I look in mirror and see this:

Shut Up About Your Cruise! I Don't Care! Boring People.

There’s nothing I can’t stand more than a bore ass. People just yappin’ about stuff that isn’t remotely interesting or funny. And giving every mundane detail. Going on and on.

Like this chick I used to work with would go on a cruise every year and when she came back she would tell me every boring detail. She’d start off like, “OK, so we get there Monday. And usually we like to check in and get right to the bar, but it was really crowded so we decided, ‘What he hell’, lets sneak in a drink across the street…”

But saying it in a way like “Aren’t we crazy?” And trust me. Nothing interesting happened across the street but the margarita’s were sooooooo good.

Then she would proceed to go day by day and tell me every boring detail. I’d sit there nodding (because I’m a nice guy – plus I was trapped in her office). Sometimes when you thought your sentence was almost over she’d remember something “important” in the story and have to go back, “So we wake up on Thursday and then and I wanted to get to that buffet so….Oh wait! I forgot to tell you about the illusionist we saw Wednesday night*!!!”

I was always happy when she was done and even happier when I’d see her corning someone else in the hall or in the coffee room. And you’d see the same glazed over look in their eyes as she excitedly told them the exact story. Word for word, “We met this couple named Peggy and Mike. They were sooooo funny. We’re going to keep in touch. Mike was a RIOT!” I'd give the person a look behind her back like, "Hmmm you don't say.."

So basically what I’m trying to say is: if you’re boring, please shut the fuck up.

(And look at that fat fuck in the blue at the buffet table. Jesus Christ Tubby. Leave some food for the rest of us!)

*can he make me disappear

The Time Something Terrible (Funny) Happened To My Sister

I find nothing funnier than when things are going great for people then all of a sudden disaster strikes.

Well not like tornadoes or death or anything but things like the story I'll now tell you that my sister told me.

A little background. My sister at the time had three kids. Ages 5, 4 and zero. And she was kind of paranoid about going out at the time with all three because it was such a big ordeal. So the idea of bringing the three of them to the park AND the 4 year old's friend was a major thing for her. This is how she told the story to me:

So I can't believe how great things were going. The boys were being so good, and the baby wasn't crying and I'm thinking this is such a great day. I was really proud of myself. Then all of a sudden Billy Bob's* friend says "Mrs Renard** I have to go potty."

And Jimmy, I'm like, "Oh no. Not now!" And I look in the distance and at the far end of the park there's a porta potty. So I gather up all our stuff and we make our way over there. Billy Bob's friend is saying, "I really have to go Mrs Renard."

And I'm trying to stay calm. Well we get over there and believe it or not it's a brand new porta potty. It had never been used. Totally clean. So the kid goes in, he says, "I can do it myself."

And I just give a sigh of relief.

Well about 30 seconds later I hear a panic in the kid's voice saying, "Mrs Renard,I need help!"

Well Jimmy, I opened the door....and there's shit EVERYWHERE! All over the wall, on the toilet, on the floor, all over him and his clothes. It was like someone had filled up a bag of shit and hit it like a PINATA!!!

So I'm trying to stay calm but his clothes are covered with shit so I had to undress him and wrap him in the baby's blanket and we made our way back to the car.

HAHAHA! A Pinata! God. I love that story. So glad it didn't happend to me.

And if you're a fan of explosive diarreah stories you'd LOVE this one: Clicky here

*fake name
**Also a fake name