Downingtown Teacher Strike - Day 8 BREAKING NEWS

Downingtown teachers, administrators and students listened in a stunned silence as Paul Gottlieb and Alice Johnson addressed the crowd concerning the possible end to the eight day teachers strike.

"I'm sorry people, the rumors you have been hearing are false. The strike unfortunately is still a reality. The 'rebuilding of the Downingtown Farmers Market' as a deal closer did NOT happen." An embarassed Gottlieb said.

That Blue Yak sources tell us that a "crazy person" and Downingtown Farmers Market regular attempted to end the strike by convincing both sides that all demands would be dropped if the Lancaster Pike Home Depot "is imploded by Friday" and the Downingtown Farmers Market is "rebuilt in all of it's glory".

Alice Johnson later later told reporters, "I feel very, very stupid right now."

The Downingtown Farmers Market Rebuilders Club - an undergound society made up of Downingtown and Caln market regulars is accepting responsibility.

Thanks Mr Johhny Goodtimes Quizzo Man

Johnny Goodtimes - the Philly Quizzo guy gave a shout out to That Blue Yak in today's post. Looks as though there are other Swap Shops on AM radio - not just the best, which of course is Ron's Swap Shop on WCOJ in West Chester. The show Goodtimes refers to is at WESR in Virginia. From the looks of his post however, there is one common thread - people who call swap shops are back woodsy, non computer using folk with alot of junk to unload. God bless em'.

Speaking of trivia here are a five trivia questions to test your knowledge. (Answers are below the picture of the hobos). Good luck.

1 Black eyes peas are not peas. What are they?
2. What was the first of H.J. Heinz' "57 varieties"?
3. What hot invention was invented in 1889 in Lima, PA?
4. Who was Wildboy’s partner in a cheesy 1970’s Saturday morning TV Show?

5. What was the name of the Robot girl on Small Wonder?

Answers:

1. Beans

2. Horseradish

3. The matchbook

4. Bigfoot (from the Krofft Supershow)

5. Vicki

To view the list of Philly and Philly burbs that feature Quizzo, click here

A few in the Chester County area are at:

Kildare's - West Chester

TJ's Everyday - Paoli (never even heard of this place but looks good from website)

Kildare's - King of Prussia

The Whip Tavern - West Marlborough (which I also have been told has the best hand carved roast beef sandwich in Chester County.

Square Bar Prepares for 30,000 Mardi Gras Partyers

West Chester Square Bar regular Denny Beans is predicting a record number of people for the Mardi Gras celebration today. "It's gonna be packed. I'm totally getting there early. I was there the other night and I saw this sign in the bathroom advertising the Square Bar with DJ Kilt Boy and I was like, there's probably gonna be thousands of people there. And ladies - I will have plenty of beads!"

With past year issues in Philadelphia with Mardi Gras partyers, many area residents are searching for alternative locations. Could West Chester's Square Bar with it's downhome feel, great prices and American dart board lure the "thousands" in today as predicted by Denny Beans?

"It's totally conceiveable - I'd say 20, maybe 30,000 depending on the weather", said Billy Dean Morris - friend of Denny Bean. "I mean, have you seen that sign? It pretty much says it all - location, what's happening, the date and time - it covers everyting. All I know is - if out of towners think they're gonna come in and redefine the dart line - that's bull!"

Here are a few blog posts from others mentioning the famous Square Bar:

Things Your Mother Never Told You Blog

Chesco Drinks

Ron's Swap Shop - Pride of WCOJ

A few more tidbits from Ron's Swap Shop on West Chester's WCOJ: (1420 AM - 10-12 Monday to Friday.) I'm urging all check out this West Chester/Coatesville show. Pure entertainment from this online classified ad listing program!

- When there's a lack of callers, Ron will read trivia. He revealed to us last week that a "spermologist" is one that collects trivia. Then let out an annoyed, "O......KAYYYYYY".

- It was windy last week so Ron gave this warning: "It's pretty windy out so places like forests and winding Chester County roads with trees - well - you just might want to stay away from there. That's what I do when it's windy."

- "Roland" called because he wants to get a Doo Wop singing group together.

- A woman named "Ester" called in.

A caller helps to explain the concept of a website menu:

Caller: Ron, I think I can help the callers that can't find the Ron's Swap Shop page when they go to http://www.wcoj.com/ . What they have to do is look on the left side, and in a box it says, 'Ron's Swap shop'. They have to click on that box.

Ron: You know, I'm not trying to act like I'm not the most important person on WCOJ, but it should be crystal clear when you go to the WCOJ website exactly where to find Ron's Swap Shop information.

- More trivia: "A flea can jump a foot. In comparison, it's like a human jumping over the Washington Monument. Wow. Imagine that. One foot!"

- An electical supplier is selling everything for 50 cents "on the dollar".

Caller: "I've got a tractor and hay for sale. "

Ron: "Compacted hay?"

Caller: "No , hay for horses. "

Ron: "I know what hay is used for - how much? "

Caller: "$35 per bail."

Ron: "$35? Geez - I just paid $45 at the feed store. Can you hold on for a second? I've got something to do here."

I have a feeling that Ron needed to find his feed store receipt.

Check out my previous Ton's Swap Shop link here.

John's Pizza in Frazer - Best Cheesesteak Indeed

John's Pizza in Frazer, PA - perhaps the best cheesesteak in Chester County. My order was a large cheesesteak, fried onions and extra cheese. The cheesesteak is enormous as seen by the scale of the chapstick to cheesesteak in this picture.

The meat is great and the rolls are perfect - so light and airy. In fact, the roll is so light that a 15" cheesesteak goes down very easily. John's has also been written about in Conde Naste magazine and won Channel 10's "Golden Spoon" award - whatever the hell that is.

My recomendation is to sit at the counter so you can watch the show. By the show, I mean the arguing between the older John and the younger John. Everytime I've been there, the two are arguing in Italian. It's so good, that when you return from the bathroom you'll ask your friend, "What did I miss?"

John's is located on Route 30 in Frazer right past the home depot. I highly recommend it. The phone number is (610) 647-4297. If you call in for pickup, be sure to ask how long until the order will be ready. The older John will say, "You just come in, it'll be here."

If you're looking for a list of great cheesesteaks in Philly, Delaware County and Chester County, Best Cheesesteaks.com lists most of them.

Here's what another blogger had to say about the Cheesesteaks at John's Pizza:

GetBusyEating.Blogspot

Valley Creek Road in Chester County - The Tunnel Video

Many in the Downingtown, West Chester and Exton area know about the tunnels on Valley Creek Road in East Bradford. The video explains the local legend of the twin Chester County tunnels.
This video is from Zimmer Productions.

Jack Black Mary Poppins Video

Mr Show - one of the best sketch comedy shows ever. Several of the actors have gone onto the Sarah Silverman Program including:

- Jay Johnston

- Paul F Tompkins (local Philly favorite) And appearing in the new Daniel Day-Lewis movie, There Will Be Blood.

- Sarah Silverman

- Brian Posehn - Lakhurst, NY native



Here's a great clip from the Mr Show creators from the movie Run Ronnie Run. The clip stars Tenacious D's Jack Black.




A tasty link:


Bob and David site

Bird Poops in Reporter's Mouth - What a Dummy

Bird pooping in a reporter's mouth is the new viral video and here it is. Advice: Shave your head, grow a beard, get glasses and gain 90 pounds or you will forever be hearing, "HEY, LOOK EVERYONE, IT'S THAT REPORTER THAT GOT POOPED IN THE MOUTH BY A BIRD."

Krofft Brothers Vs McDonalds lawsuit - Twas Sweet

Being in the mood for a Micky Dees burger has got me dreaming about eating a few AND about how that Freak Ronald McDonald got his ass sued by no other than Sid and Marty Krofft. Next to the Scopes Monkey Trial - this was it. For those of you unfamiliar with the parties involved:

Sid and Marty Krofft - Cheesy producers responsible for such shows as H.R. Pufnstuf (note terrible spelling), Lidsville, Land of the Lost and the Jim Nabors bomb - The Lost Saucer (blessing in disguise as Mr Nabors went on to make several great records).
Ronald McDonald - clown entrepreneur - fast food industry.

Bottom line: Ronald ripped off the brothers.
The judgement: 2500 square yards of the finest Arabian puppet making felt.
Here is video:


Click below to learn more about the related subjects:

Copyright (or wrong) information regarding the case

Reefer references in H.R. Pufnstuf from Cannabisculture.com

Wegmans, Robbery, Busted! According to the January 28th issue of the Daily Local News, a Coatesville man "entered the Downingtown Wegmans Market, filled the liner of his jacket with frozen shrimp and exited the store without paying." The Daily Local News says that the Wegman's store employees then followed the 28 year old into a parking lot and found two bags of shrimp with a combined value of $84 hidden in his jacket.

OK dummy, a few points:

- Don't go into MY Wegmans and be "crime-in" up the area. If the Wegmans "eye" gets a bit nervous - some - not me mind you, but some won't be able to throw an extra wing or two into their box at the chicken wing bar. Let's keep that cool.

- If you're going to steal, don't be a dope! "Frozen shrimp?" Puuleeeaaase! Do you know that Wegmans has 15 types of sausage including 4 andouille variations? Did you consider a few wheels of Asiago Cheese wheels? Do you know what you can get for them on the streets of Coatesville? Did you ever hear of the "Coatesville Cheese King of Star Alley." Read your Coatesville history my friend.

- And lastly, do you know that Wegmans Downingtown stands no further than two football fields away from the ashes of the sacred Downingtown Farmers Market? You will be haunted my friend - you will be haunted.

To learn more about Wegmans click here

And to learn about the different types of cheese, click here.

A Few Great Top 10 Lists

Here are a few great top ten lists from the top ten lists at the blog List Verse

Top 10 Human Sideshow Freaks - Honestly, I've never seen Mary Ann Bevan (ugliest woman). She does bare an uncanny resemblence to Fred Gwynne.

Top 10 Urban Legends Debunked

Top 10 Bizarre Illnesses

Top 10 Prison Survival Tips

Top 10 Weird Religious Practices

Top 10 Amazing Facts About Dreams

Top 10 Unfortunate Product Names

Top 10 Bizarre Mustaches

Top 10 Bizarre Collectibles - Very odd. The Franklin Mint wasn't mentioned once.

Zoup Spillage in Fraser PA Almost Brings Hungry Man To Tears

If you were near the Lincoln Court in Frazer, PA Friday and you heard the scream of "Jesus Christ" or saw birds flying off their perches in panic - I'm responsible. After purchasing a tasty bowl of chicken and sausage gumbo from Zoup, the soup & bisque franchise, I hurried to my car in anticipation. The picture above shows the horror when I spilled it.


Here is my review based on the remains:

"The one spoonful of the chicken and sausage gumbo from Zoup was indeed tasty. Rich, thick broth and amble servings of sausage were seasoned to perfection."

I considered going inside to tell them I spilled it - hoping that the policy would be a free bowl ("You spill - we refill") Then I just got too embarrassed. Instead, I sat there like a dope and ate the bread:



The lesson I'll share is this: If you're gonna eat in your car, calm down people. Settle in, get your magazine or whatever make-shift table top you use and prepare your eating area first. Don't get too excited and rush things NO MATTER HOW GOOD THE FOOD LOOKS OR SMELLS. If you don't heed my warnings, the picture below is what you'll be cleaning up. This is the frozen soup left overnight. NOTE: It makes it no easier to clean if it's frozen first.

And this picture below is the soup that is still in the track of the seat. I feel confident I'll have the entire mess cleaned up by next week.

The following is some helpful info:

Zoup Fraser info: 235 Lancaster Ave.Suite E-3 Frazer, PA 19355

Hours: M - Sat 11:00-8:00 and Sunday 12-5

Phone: 610-408-0303

Car Detailing in Chester County:

Fine Line Detailing (West Chester)

In Great Detail (Westtown)

Hey Fatties - Be a Mindsticker With TAB

"I'm so Jonesin' for the T.A.B." If you don't know what that means, you need to check out the the Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central. It's one of the funniest shows currently on TV. Here is a behind the scenes clip with actor Steve Agee - who plays a real live homesexual queer on the show:

Click here

...And here is a commercial featuring the crappy Coca Cola soft drink TAB. TAB was featured in one of the season 1 episodes. I like this commercial from the 70's as it really teaches the lady's that they need to be "mind stickers". And the singing also sounds like it influenced Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello when they did some backround singing on Strangers with Candy.

Things to do in Vegas on the South Strip

And here are a few additional pictures of Las Vegas and some handy tips for the traveler.

This is the Excalibur Hotel. It's got a cheesy castle theme. Great location (between Luxor and New York, New York) but the crappiest of the three. Pretty reasonable but they should tell you right off the bat that THERE ARE NO TUBS! - Only shower stalls. Leave your Mr. Bubble at home.

Here is a picture of New York, New York at night. There were even some dopes riding the outside roller coaster in 40 degree weather. Stupid.

Below is the Bar at Times Square inside of the New York, New York hotel. Great bar with the dueling pianos. Good times but if you stop in a few times during the week you'll hear some of the same 'jokes". How about some more original material guys. It was this woman's birthday so she was on the piano. People were singing "You've lost that loving feeling" to her. And I just lost my appetite.

Looks like we've got some gals who were really going out of their way to pick up guys. The one wore a bridal getup and they CLAIMED that they were having a bachelorette party and as part of their "scavenger hunt", they asked me if I had a condom. Nice pickup line, nice effort, and very original. Now go get me a Dewar's and water - easy on the water. Then we'll talk.

Here's another bar that is a good time at the New York, New York. It's called Nine Fine Irishman. Pretty good Irish music on most nights. And this lady must live there because I saw here last year while in Vegas at the same bar. She pushed her way to one of the prime standing locations at the Bar at Times Square. Very rude. I think she is saying here, "Look everyone, a guitar."

Walking upstairs, you'll find the Coyote Ugly Bar. The concept is hot bartenders getting up on the bar and dancing all sexy-like. They also throw water into the crowd that is supposed to be beer. Show your defiance by throwing a real beer toward people that are annoying you. Believe me, they'll never know where it came from and it'll make you feel better. Later in the night they let REAL women get up and dance on the bar. Tip for women: Don't ask your girlfriends if you look lood enough to dance - go out of the bar and ask a few random strangers. Take their advice. They won't lie. Also, if you are going to dance on the bar, take off your coat and don't be holding a hand bag. It makes you look frumpy.

This is a view standing outside of the Monte Carlo and looking north on the Vegas strip. Diablo's Cantina is a new bar at the front of the Monte Carlo. Steer clear. It looks like it's a great place but drinks are totally over inflated and it's packed full of dudes. It's a sausage factory. They do however spin a huge wheel every half hour and you can see the current drink special so it's worth stopping in if you're walking by.

Here is the Las Vegas City Center - still under construction. It's located between the Monte Carlo and the Bellagio.

Here's the City Center at night. For those on a tight budget, it's easy to sneak into the area at night by jumping onto the back of a truck - like the one pictured below. Make sure to cover yourself with a concrete bag because if Raul the night foreman catches you, you're gonna get arrested. Bring a flashlight because once inside, there's a treasure trove of lunches left over from the construction workers. I found a barely touched 14" tuna fish hoagie! And you thought the casino floor was the only place to hit the jackpot. (Don't be greedy though - grab what you can carry in a pillow case and get out).

Here's a picture of the Las Vegas news reporting on a City Center break-in the night before. Like I said, grab what you can steal in a pillow case and get out!

Here's a picture of the Bellagio fountain show at night. Very classy.

And that's about it for the pictures. Enjoy.

Here are two Las Vegas blog links for you:

Classic Las Vegas - preserving classic Las Vegas.

Rate Vegas Blog - Vegas and casino design blog

New Year's Resolution? Take better pictures. Reason? Because these spicy shrimp quesadillas at Yolo's, which were unbelievable look like throw up in the photo. While in Vegas, I treated myself to these quesadillas at the Yolo bar inside of the Planet Hollywood casino. The dish was perfect. Crisp outer pastry shell with tasty tangy shrimp and cheese on the inside. Nice accoutrements like guacamole, tomato, onion and aioli on the side. To drink, I ordered a beautiful Margarita in a huge, hand painted glass. Excellent. For now.

When I was finished, I was searching for the bathroom and asked the first person with a lanyard, "Excuse me, do you work here? Where are the bathrooms?"

"Oh, I don't work, I'm Hillary Clinton's press secretary and we just one Nevada!"

(Ohh Jeez - I just finished eating) - "Really, where is she?"

"She just left for the airport a minute ago but the caucus is still upstairs."

I went upstairs and snapped this shot of the most giddy group of fembots. Hillary had left the building and they were still scrambling around like 12 year olds in 1972 that just caught a glimpse of Bobby Sherman . A sickening sight.

I left the building in disgust - knowing that I missed the opportunity to heckle Clinton after mooching some free food.

Sirrico's Pizza In Vegas Receives Ten Stars

Review of Sirrico's Pizza at New York, New York Hotel and Casino by THAT BLUE YAK'S fat marketing assistant Mike Touchton:

"OK, so I'm the fat guy, but here it is: Sirrico's is the best pizza in Las Vegas. It's hard to tell by this slice, but trust me, it was perfect. Thinnish crispy crust, great sauce and great cheese. This particular slice had pepperoni and jalapeno, but this was one 8 slices I had during the week. I like to mix it up. Only 2 slices dipped below the 7 out of 10 rating due to the temperature of the slices. I don't know how they do it with the crappy Vegas water but this is really world class pizza. The bottom of the crust has the ALMOST burnt crisp, but the top is ohhh so tender."

"Here are my tips, for Sirricos however, spend a few bucks and get another cashier. You have enough people standing around but things are a' slowin at the line. I do like the cat eyed mascara on the cute cashier. At first, I thought it was a gimmick, but once I heard the accent - I knew this was a real Italian gal - not savvy to the fact that only American gals that are trashy wear makeup that way. I started to tell her that as a pickup line, but as I started to talk to her I panicked and ended up asking her about the Patriots. She looked at me funny. Maybe I need to loose some weight. I'm sad."

Vegas Club "The Bank" Brings Vin Diesel To Tears

Vegas Hot spot THE BANK, welcomed That Blue Yak Staff last week to their swanky, nightclub while muscle man Vin Diesel was forced to take a backseat.

On looker and admiring THAT BLUE YAK fan Shelly Morton gives her account:

"It's true. I noticed that the YAK was in the Bellagio around 9:00 when I saw a commotion inside of Caramel's. I looked in and saw Michael L. Hardly Jr., you know, the dreamy VP of Purchasing - demanding that the DJ play some Funkadelic. Well, you know Hardly, the DJ refused and Hardly gave the guy the claw and coolly walked out of the joint and said, 'it's Bank Time.'

"The Chester County, PA executives then strutted their junk across the Bellagio floor toward the Bank. Knowing that the Bank "caters to a discerning audience with higher sensibilities", they knew they were rrrrright at home. They walked right past the doormen, giving them the infamous International YAK sign and went straight up the escalator. It was very, very cool."

"The thing is, cocky film star Vin Diesel finished his photo in front of the Bank sign and attempted to enter the club. The doormen grabbed his arms and were like, 'behind the ropes with the peasants slop' we've got fire capacity limits'".

"Vin Diesel just hung his head and said, 'I didn't feel like going in right now anyways'. A single tear dripped down his face."

Don't forget to check out these related links:

Van Diesel Fan Club

How to Look Cool in a Casino

How to get into a Vegas Club if you're not cool

Fun In Vegas with Elvis

Vegas. Great city, great fun, chock full of Elvis. I met a homeless King and an Australian one. Here's the homeless one:

I met this rascal while walking from the Luxor and into the Excalibur. (Note the Mary Tyler Moore wig that he so cleverly brushed back). Some guy walking in front of me said, "Hi Elvis, can I take your picture?" I grabbed my blackberry as well and prepared to snap a shot.

The D list Elvis asked the first guy, "Hey yeah, wouldn't mind something for that". The guy just walked away. Then as I finished he asked me, "You gonna help me out a bit"? Of course not. Just as if you had just fallen down a flight of steps, if you are dressed as Elvis you give permission to all point, laugh and snap pictures.

Here's the second Elvis I met: The picture is blurry but his act was as clear as the Bally's stage he was singing on. He wasn't paid to sing but the lounge act, Matt Newbold, let him sing a few songs. The King then later approached and sat down next to some hot chicks. That's Elvis for you.

We struck up a conversation with the King and he hung out for a while and had some drinks. His name is Ziggy and he's from Australia. He used to be a pilot for Qantas Airlines and is now retired. He said he's always wanted to be an Elvis impersonator so he comes to Vegas a few times a year to get some stage time and exposure.

Overall, excellent Elvis filled night.

Looking to hire an Elvis Impersonator? Well look at the selection available here.

Sam The Butcher Enters That Big Meat Freezer In The Sky

Sam the Butcher has left the Butcher Shop. That's correct Allan Melvin is no longer with us. Did he cure polio or invent the bedazzler? I'm not sure, but here are a few things he did do:

- Attend Columbia University.

- Worked with Arthur Godfrey AND on Phil Silvers show.

- Appeared on Dick Van Dyke Show and Gomer Pyle.

- Was the voice of Magilla Gorilla

- Voiced Drooper of the Banana Splits.

- Voiced some characters on the cheezeball show H.R. Pufnstuf (not WithchiePoo)

Most importantly, provided meat to Alice the housekeeper for many seasons in exchange for "special favors".

RIP Sammy

Take the Brady Bunch trivia test here to help with your sadness.

Exton Area Fatties Rejoice As Taco Bell And KFC FINALLY Open

Exton area fatsos rejoiced this week as the Taco Bell and KFC on route 30 in Exton opened. The following sign is what greeted hungry Chester County slobs for a few weeks when they pulled up to the drive-thru:





It's pretty pathetic if you look at some of those slobs lining up to treat themselves to a 3 pack of crunchy taco supreme. Myself? I have no guilt as I have the metabolism of a hummingbird.

WCOJ Ron's Swap Shop Kickin' it Old School

Do you ever want to travel back into time? Well you can if you live in Chester County, PA. Just tune into WCOJ (AM) and listen to Ron's Swap Shop. .It's on AM 1420 Monday - Friday 10:00 - 12:00.

Here's the premise:

- Listeners call Ron McNiel to tell them the items they want to sell or items they are looking for.

- The "Sultan of Swap", as he's called, then types the information into his computer.

- The items are then listed online for 10 days at this link.

The beauty of the show is Ron. Ron's not the fastest on the keyboard so he's always asking people to slow down. As people describe items, he'll be like,

"OK hold on hold on..you've got a new Anderson window with no screen?....hold on now..WITH...NO....SCREEN..there we go."

Ron's use of the language is also old school. Instead of "underwear", he prefers, "Undergarments". Priceless.

Here are a few other things. I swear I'm not making these up:

- a guy name "Vic" called in last week.

- Someone "wants beehive and bee keeping equipment"

- a guy called in last week and wanted to have his Audi posted. Ron's question, "now how is that spelled? is it A U D I?"

- Eric called in last week saying that he has about 50 fluorescent bulbs for sale. He's like to sell them all but will sell them individually for 25 cents each.

- Ted called last week told Ron that he does lawn work. After Ron found out that this is Ted's business, not a hobby, Ron said,

"Listen Ted, I didn't know you're a business. I can't put your information up because if I did, all of the businesses in Chester County would call up and this show would be filled with ads. Can you understand that?"

Ted did understand, and asked who he could talk to about placing a business ad on WCOJ. Ron said,

" Oh you can call me when the shows over, here's my number, are you ready....?"

What DOESN'T Ron do.

- Someone wants a playpen and needs it ASAP!

- Someone is looking for deer meat.

- Some lady is selling 20 cross stitch kits. She has to buy kits with larger patterns because, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Trust me, this show is pure delight. The only question is when are they going to stream it so I can listen on my computer? Maybe the "guy in Scranton who's working on redoing the website" will move this to the top of his list.

Check out the wikipedia page for WCOJ for more info on this 5000 watt station. And one last tidbit: it's FREE to list items on the Swap Shop.

January 8 Birthdays and Deathdays

In addition to several members of That Blue Yak's team , January 8 is also the birthday of these famous people:

Calhoun (1970) - Hostess loving West Chester resident. Skills: Talking about refinishing chairs.

Elvis (1935)- the King

Jesse Garon (1935)- Elvis's showboating twin brother. Killed in the womb by a powerful karate chop from his brother.

Stephen Hawking (1942) - Robot talking physicist.

Soupy Sales (1926) - Comedian. Claims to have thrown 19,000 pies over the years.

Shirley Bassey (1937) - Singer of the James Bond song "Goldfinger".

David Bowie (1947) - Cross dressing singer. Teeth have magically repaired themselves over time.

Graham Chapman (1941) - Monty Python member. Was in the Parrot Sketch. Read the Memorial Speech read by John Cleese at his funeral here.

William Diemer (1905) - Invented bubble gum. Died toothless.

Bob Eubanks (1937) - The Newlywed Game Host and snappy dresser. Best line on the show:

Eubanks (to contestant): Where is the most unusual place you've ever made whoopie?

Contestant: (ponders) ...That would be up the butt Bob?

Bill Graham (1931) - Music promoter.

R. Kelly (1967) - Sung "I believe I Can Fly". Likes to pee on people.

Roy Kinnear (1934) - Played Henry Salt in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Best line: "OK Wonka, how much for one of those Oompa Loompa's?" (Even though we all know that the sale of dwarfs was legal in all but three countries in the seventies).

Robby Krieger - Guitarist for the doors. Did you know his hair is actually made from real steel wool?

Charles Osgood (1933) - Bow Tie wearing CBS news guy.

Bart Starr (1934) - Green Bay Packers Quarterback. Good thrower.

Larry Storch (1923) - Corporal Agarn on F Troop.

Xzibit - Rapper. First hit was the beautiful love song, "Bitch Please" with Snoop Dogg.

And the following are people who selfishly died on January 8th:

Galileo (died 1942) - Astronomer.

Fancois Mitterand (died 1996) - French President. Rest in peace jerk.

Matthew "Stymie" Beard (died 1981) - Stymie on Our Gang. Not only could that kid wear a derby, he was smart enough to keep it secured with the strap.

Marco Polo (died 1324) -Explorer. Not only famous for the famous pool game named in his honor, he also was the first to perform the cannonball.

Dave Thomas (died 2002) - Founder of Wendy's. Maker of delicious, diarrhea inducing food.

And on that note, I'm thinks it's about time to treat myself to a double, large fries and a frosty.

Exton Teen Reports on Monster Quest

As punishment for writing "Holinsford's Mom Smell Like Ass" on the side of the under construction "Main Street Exton Barn", Ferder Shaw (Exton 12 year old) reports on the History Channel and Monster Quest .

IT'S TRUE:

- Chimps attack face and genitals. The reason? - to damage. HELL YAA!

- It's not uncommon for chimps to become attracted to humans. Nice. Except I ain't no chimp fag so hands off!

- The Russian military in WWII was working on impregnating humans with chimps. Their goal? to breed a chimp soldier to fight in the Russian army. If I was there, I'd be like, "Yo monkey, you want a banana? Them I'd lead him over to a banana and be like, 'you dumb ass!" and throw it into a lake or something.

- The big dummy Stalin didn't know that most apes have equal strength. Instead of getting chimpanzee semen (sperm), the Ruskies chose orangutan semen (sperm), unaware that the chimp is superior in intelligence (that's book smart to you and me).

- They showed some Bigfoot creature that was some Russian Bigfoot. - then they showed some hairy kid with a dog face. Looked just like the famous Mexican dog faced kid that I saw in some movie,

- Some Russian woman volunteered to be knocked up by an orangutan. They didn't show her face but I'm sure she was a dog or fat. She said she wanted to help science. She at least had to be fat.

- Some nerd science jerk said if they crossed human and ape, it might be a retard. That part kind of scared me because I never met a chimp in real life but my cousin lives next to a retard and they're strong as hell. It attacked my cousin one time and the only way my Uncle could get him off was with a hose (squirting him full force - with hot water) and then with a hammer (hammering). Plus, if the retarded chimp man came at me with chimp sounds and stuff? I'd probably be freaked out. Pretty creepy stuff.

- Some dude named Dr White put one monkey head on another monkey head. Guess what? It frickin' worked. Look it up. If I was him, I'd put a hot chick head on a monkey body or a monkey head on a hot woman body (and have a bag handy for the head).

OK. That's it Mr. Sherman.