Fat PLUS Danger PLUS Tears EQUALS Hilarity

That Blue Yak finance manager Janice Moody hasn't cracked a smile in seven years. In fact her boring demeaner has earned her the nickname "the statue". Well, that nickname may need to be changed after we caught her on camera with her "fat-so" nephew Neil at New Jersey's crappy amusement park Funland USA.

Hillary Clinton - You Make Phil Spector Look Like Normal

That Blue YAK plant waterer Nellie Simpson has this to say:

No comment necessary other than: Look at yourself. Three images of crazy man Phil Spector - then you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now shut up and go into hiding.

Commercial Review: Witch Doctor's Head Shrinker Set

Enjoy the commercial of one of the best toys of 60's and 70's. Followed by a review by members of the THAT BLUE YAK cafeteria crew:




I likes the natives. Wait a minute - that politically not right.
- Mike "Shapadoo" Washington (dishwasher)

The narrator's whisper makes me know that something exciting is happening here.
- Mary "Ferder" Shaw (cashier)

The way the mom pretended she was surprised touched my heart. Her kids deserved it though, makin' those shrunken heads and what not. Not like my no good brats!
- Milly "the net" Holensford (scooper)

I'm glad the narrator let me know that shrunken heads are good for "all occasions" because with the price of eggs and Easter upon us..well.......
- Big Ted (assistant to Milly "the net" Holensford)

Grandad Drops Off Very Tiny Chicken To Kids

That Blue Yak Customer Service Manager Chad Dooley would like to send the following message to his dad:

Dad, I appreciate that you dropped off a chicken to our house the other night because Mary had to go to the hospital. The only problem is that that "chicken" was supposed to feed a family of four.

As you can see from the photo, it was more of a very LARGE Cornish game hen. I will drop off a ruler that you may want to keep in your back pocket because...well...look at that thing.

Leonard Nimoy Helps Scientists With Goose Bump Research

Media, PA

Researchers at the Institute for Cutis Anserina - or goose bumps as they are more commonly known - would like to give a big fat "thank you" to Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy. Scientists have struggled in the past to produce goosebumps on demand in patients until the discovery of the Leonard Nimoy music video Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.

Nerd scientist Dr. Michael Despario, speaking from the Rose Tree Corporate Park, discovered the potential of the video in February,

"As a trekkie, I've been aware of the video for years, but it wasn't until a woman I WAS dating turned on the video that I realized it's potential. From the look on her face from the other room I thought she was witnessing another 911 or something. When I ran into the room and saw that it was Spock doing his thing, I was very relieved. Within a few seconds of watching the video, her piloerection reflex was in overdrive."

Scientists are thrilled that the only potential side effect is vomiting.

Leprechaun Sighting Probably A Fake

Mobile, Alabama

It seems like the folk in Alabama have spotted a leprechaun. This may be a fake. Also, the guy at the end makes a claim that his magic Leprechaun flute was passed down "from 1000's of years ago from his great, great grandfather who was Irish." We're not the best at math over here at THAT BLUE YAK, but wouldn't that make his grandfather one of the oldest people ever to live? Anyway, Happy Saint Patty's Day and enjoy a Guinness.

Blogger Drops Dime On That Blue Yak Copywriter And Initiates Firing

West Chester, PA

That Blue Yak would like to give a shout out to the blog Meandering Through Unforseen Pathways. "Meandering" correctly pointed out in her March 13th entry a spelling error on our award winning blog. Instead of using the letters "SIB" to refer to the movie theater trend, we used the letters "SID". Her eagle eye observations can be seen by clicking HERE .


That Blue Yak VP of Human Resources Ben Taylor is especially thankful,

"I am truelly pleased as punch. Our March 7th blog entry on the movie 300 was a very important entry. It was also the first time we gave junior copywriter Steve Janson a chance to edit the piece. He was asked to step up to the plate, and frankly, he failed miserably. He, as well as his family should hang their heads in shame."

Quickly becoming the most visited site on the web, THAT BLUE YAK felt a responsibility to take quick action.

"When my secretary Alice told me of the spelling error, I hit the roof. I knew it was Janson. I thought it was best to make an example of his incompetence at our company meeting. I called his name and asked him to come up and accept an award. When he got on the stage, I handed him a cardboard box and in Donald Trump style told him, 'You're Fired!' Then I had security escort him to his desk to collect his belonging."

"I just want to put this nightmare behind us. I play golf with Steve Jobs, Jeff Bezos and Jimmy Wales and it's kind of a running gag to raz each other when something of this magnitude surfaces. One time Bezos pulls put this piece of paper. It's an error from Wikipedia using the word boner instead of boulder. And let me tell you that Jobs STILL won't let Jimmy live it down. He can be a dick like that though. ANYWAYS, we're ready to move on."

Man With Dog On Scooter Still Hasn't Gotten a Date

Nashville, TN

I have to hand it to him. At least he's trying. Bill Simmons' latest attention getter has, as suspected, FAILED. A Labrador Retriever on a scooter will get you attention, but when you've got a kisser like Bill "Sad Sack" Simmons, it just doesn't seem to matter.

"Well, I've talked to a lot of ladies, but they just want to ask about the dog. I put in a good 5 hours a week cruising these streets and nothin'."

The best way to describe Simmons is if Ron Howard's brother got Eleanor Roosevelt pregnant. While pregnant she was kicked by a mule. When the baby was born, he was dropped on his face. Then, when the baby got older it let itself go. Put that all together and you've got Bill Simmons.

The few friend's that Bill has are pity friends. Mostly Christians and good deed doers. Friend Chico Gonzales has known Mr Simmons for eight years,

"I feel bad for my man. He can't even get a lady to look at him. I thought the dog on the scooter would work but it hasn't. I've even seen women take pictures of the dog and ask Bill if he could move a little so he's not in the picture. One time he was like, 'can you just crop me out' and she was like 'MOVE BACK FRANKENSTEIN'!"

Bill's previous attempts for attention include iguana on back, walking around on stilts and drawing and giving away free caricatures. All have failed.

What are you gonna do?

Pope Benedict Hates Bob Dylan But Loves Other Junk

Vatican City

According to The Scotmans, Pope Benedict, who last week revealed to the world that he doesn't care much for Bob Dylan, said today he would like to see the comeback of Gregorian chants. Is the pope that out of touch that he thinks hypnotic 10th century chants (stupidest music next to jazz) are still relevant in the modern world?

That Blue Yak is pleased to have acquired a discarded note from 4th string Vatican Dishwasher Gianetta Hirshberg (name jewished up to preserve dishwasher seniority). The note lists several other comeback wishes of the pope. Will Pope Benedict perform his magic and make these wishes a reality? We shall have to wait. While waiting, please view the world premiere of the notorious scribblings of the pontiff:

Surprisingly, Pope Benedict issued a statement to THAT BLUE YAK:

".....my only regret to listing my wishes of Quisp, leg warmers and double dutch to my comeback list is that I left out my true love and wish: wax lips. Old school style.

Look Everyone - It's Shields And Yarnell

These are the REAL "technical requirements" from the 70's mime sensation Shields and Yarnell" . After reading the comments and looking at the pictures - it made us so sad, we didn't have the heart to make a comment . Please collect some tissues and read on:

TECHNICAL REQUIREMENTS
1 Empty house seat
6 rows towards center
1 Female dresser for Ms. Yarnell
l Wireless microphone
2 or 3 PZM mikes for Ms. Yarnell's tap number
2 People backstage for props
Professional lighting operator
Professional sound operator
2 Follow-spot operators
2 Stage monitors
Mixing board with reel-to-reel tape
Adequate house system with no broken speakers
An assortment of gels: amber, pink, green, purple, blue, red
Small helium tank to blow up balloons
16mm projector (sound not necessary)
Screen large enough for entire audience viewing
Projectionist (the film is 7 minutes long and opens show)
1 small compressor to blow up 3 very large beach balls

PROPS
1 small breakfast table, table cloth, 2 chairs, large box of Cheerios, 1 quart of milk in carton, 2 clear plastic glasses, soup spoons
1 solid chair without arms (if top is metal, please pad)
1 package yellow food coloring

DRESSING ROOMS
SHIELDS & YARNELL will need two dressing rooms, if possible.

Temperature should be in the 70-75 degree range.

Dressing rooms should be clean, have adequate lighting for facial make-up, have clean towels, facial tissues, and a bottle of Evian water (or some other spring water) in each room.

Rooms should have comfortable chairs and/or couches.

A quick change area off stage right is also needed. Should have chair, long mirror, small table, and clothes hanger for costumes.

AUDIO
Both the main house and stage monitor systems should have a smooth, flat natural response, free from hums, buzzes or apparent idling noise.

1. One quality mixing console with equalizer
2. One 1/4" stereo reel-to-reel tape playback machine eg. Amper, Otari, Revox, Tascam with 10" Reel
3. Two side fill monitors - e.g. Altec A-7 or Altec 1204 - B
4. Adequate amplifiers for house and stage
When mixing the house system from the audience area, console should be placed in an advantageous listening position, clear of walls and balcony overhangings.

Peanut Butter Recall Allows Akron Man To Safely Have Surprise Party For His Wife.

Akron, OHIO

Earl Benson of Akron Ohio is finally going to give his wife the surprise party of her dreams thanks to the recall of peanut butter due to Salmonella. 22 years ago, the Benson's suffered through a very unfortunate situation when his plan for a surprise birthday party were ruined. The nightmare began when Mr Benson's wife Nancy walked unexpectedly, naked and peanut butter covered into the basement. Nancy, playfully calling their German Shepherd, was horrified to find 80 party guests waiting for her in the dark.

Friends, family and coworkers were not buying her screams and pleads of, "how did that get there?"

Earl has been waiting a long time for this day.

"This salmonella outbreak is perfect. I killed the dog the day after the 1985 incident but I still didn't feel safe knowing peanut butter was available within a day's drive. I don't know how that story reached to the ends of the earth but let me tell you that our lives have been hell."

"My lady has been through a lot. The very year that the peanut butter incident happened, her brother was killed by a dude with a hook and her cousin got a damn kidney removed from him in a hotel tub -that ain't right."

Party invitations will be mailed Thursday.

Monkey Attacks Continue To Go Unreported By US Press

Editorial by Jack Renard

Consider yourself warned. The following video contains very disturbing footage of what appears to be a some type of search party under attack by a herd of monkeys. The people look like they may be from one of the unimportant countries but the point is - why isn't this stuff reported on the evening news or the google? Here it:

300 Movie Predicted To Be Largest "Seat In Between" Movie Ever

Frazer, Pennsylvania

Theater owners nationally have agreed that the movie 300, opening in theaters Friday, will be the largest "seat in between" movie ever. In movie theater lingo, "seat in between", or SID refers to the empty movie seat that movie goers leave between themselves and their friend's.

The phenomenon, although used by parents and children, is usually a tactic employed by males in the 15 - 37 age group.

Mike Simpson (age 19), explains the purpose behind the "seat in between",

"I don't want ANYONE thinking just because I came to the theater with a dude - that I'm a gay. I'm not. I'm TOTALLY STRAIGHT. Don't believe me ladies? Come on down and I'll prove it to you. That's what the 'seat in between' does.'"

Theater owner Bill Nikes of East Whiteland, PA has observed the evolution of the practice,

" Before the seat in between, the usual thing for claiming heterosexuality in theaters was turning around and declaring, 'Yo - we ain't gay - Does anyone got a problem with that'? I started to see the SID around 1979. Then in 1999, they started doing two and sometimes three seats in between."

Each seat that is "left between" is in essence an empty seat. Ticket holder behavior, whether etiquette or driven by fear dictates that you don't sit in a 'seat in between'.
Theater owners have reason to be concerned. 300, based on Frank Miller's graphic novel about the Battle of Thermopylae could prove to be a doozie. The story details the battle of 300 Spartans in a last stand battle against the invading Persian army. The movie, with it's number of shirtless muscle men clad is leather-bikini and-cape ensembles could be the 'perfect storm' for the 'seat in between'. You put together the violence of the movie, the blatant homo eroticism and the 2 and 3 'seat in between' trend, and we could have 300 seat theaters declared "full' with 12 guys in it.

"All I know, those punks better be planning on buying a lot of God damned popcorn!"

That Blue Yak Correspodent Discovers Talking Chimp Video

Editorial By Jack Renard

For all the people that think the media isn't manipulative, prepare yourselves. I'm sure it's never crossed your mind while watching your videotaped reruns of 60 Minutes that Koko the gorilla wasn't the smartest ape. When you see a gorilla doing sign language you think, "this has to be the smartest ape ever -he's doing sign language".

What you are about to see will make you question the "intelligence" of Koko. This video shows chimps not only talking, but performing a play. The play is about a movie called Star Wars . I found the video on the world wide web at the web address http://www.youtube.com/ . Why are talking chimps never mentioned in the main stream media? Is the "You Tube" a place where the media hides their secret gems? I do not know.

I now present to you, the video of talking chimps:

Lunar Eclipse Mishap Turns Into Musical Epiphany For Malvern Man

Malvern, PA

Malvern native Dan Garland was a very frustrated man recently when he missed yet another eclipse. Although he's lost count, Mr Garland estimates that he's missed at least 30 - 40 eclipses because he could never get his "safety contraption" together in time.

"There is no way that I'm going blind! I always remember about the eclipse at the last minute then I'm scrambling to get all of the safety stuff together - you know the box, then you make the pinhole and tape wax paper to it. If you look right into it unprotected, you can loose your site!"

The missed opportunity however turned out to be pay dirt for the Malvern Pennsylvania man when he realized he couldn't make his eclipse viewing contraption in time.

"I was cleaning up my equipment in a huff when it hit me. I blew into the box through the wax paper and it made a sound kind of like a kazoo but different than a kazoo. Like a really BIG kazoo or something - with a splash of French horn. And the really cool thing is that to play the "Garlandzoo", the box covers your face so,..well....you can imagine."

Mr Garland has vowed never to pursue astronomy again but is willing to meet with people who are SERIOUSLY interested in forming a band.

That Blue Yak Wins AussieJourno Blog Award

West Chester, PA

It's official. That Blue Yak has won the coveted AussieJourno Blog Award. The weekly self submitted blog award that is painstakingly narrowed down to 30 winners is always a nail biter. Not only did That Blue Yak win, but it's comments were also noted as "most humorous" by Blog Writer David McMahon. That Blue Yak VP of Public Affairs Ted Nilton has issued the following statement:

"Thank you Mr McMahon for this award. I'd like say, we are all winners but we are clearly not, as noted by the two 'honourable mentions' that did not make the cut. I will not be visiting their blogs for fear that it may encourage them but wish them no harm."

"Now back to us. You made a wise choice in picking the hysterical THAT BLUE YAK blog as a winner. Not only does it benefit us, but it shows that you, as a representative of Australia pocess what we call in the US, 'class'. I must tell you that while visiting Brisbane Australia in 1981 my wallet was stolen. To get even, I tracked down a kangaroo and damn it, I kicked it as hard as I could directly in the pouch. On the flight home I realized that things were not even. I asked myself, 'when will they be even'? The answer is, today"

"I will be personally checking our mail room everyday. And when the physical award arrives I will have it appraised. Once I'm convinced that the value of the AussieJourno award equals the value of the contents that were in my wallet that day in 1981 ($97 - adjusted for inflation), the relations between THAT BLUE YAK and Australia will be deemed normalized."

"Thank you and God Bless."

Polish Piano Player About To Make Elton John Look Like A Big Chump

THAT BLUE YAK reporter Bill Spears

I have to admit that I don't speak Polish. I know nothing about the culture. I do like perogies though if they're deep fried and promptly salted.

I'll tell you what I do know - people. And I have an idea what this little rascal is about to do - PLAY HER HEART OUT.

I can tells by the eyes. I can tell by the poised fingers. I'm asking the reader to stop and look at her expression for a full five seconds....go ahead...I'll wait. Begin.

Welcome back. This is no parlor trick, but you felt it didn't you? Yes, she is about to play, and many a foot will be a tappin'. Many a Pollack folk will soon be up and dancing. A toothy elder with a shawl will probably get up and get her groove out. The elder will be old and feeble, but she will not miss a beat. A handsome man (by Eastern European standards) will play along and dance with the elder. The "handsome one" will be wearing a flannel shirt - circa 1986 - unbuttoned three down. A memory will be made.

The piano player, that I will name Olshka, will be responsible. To give proper credit, here is the link to the story that features this upcoming superstar:

http://www.nettavisen.no/kultur/article727693.ece

Shatner Singing Rocketman...Enough Said

Ladies and Gentlman...William Shatner:

Mother coached children to act retarded

Tacoma, Washington

According to CNN , a Tacoma Washington woman admitted to coaching her two children to act retarded so she could receive Social Security benefits on their behalf. On Tuesday, Rosie Costello pleaded guilty to conspiracy to defraud the government and to Social Security fraud.

The following is a transcript of a conversation with Costello's neighbor Ben Messler by That Blue Yak reporter Nick Dempsey:

Dempsey: Mr Messler, what was it like to live next door to a couple retarded people, then you find out they've been faking it all these years?

Neighbor: It sucked. There was always a racket over there.

Dempsey: Did you ever witness her "training" these kids to act retarded?

Neighbor: Hell yeah, they was always yelling things like 'JellyBean, JellyBean' - day in and day out.

Demsey: Like they wanted jellybeans?

Neighbor: No, from the movie Welcome Home Jellybean with that chick that was in the National Lampoon movie.

Demsey: The one where the brother's on stage at school and she starts yelling out 'JellyBean, JellyBean'? And that one kid starts chanting 'JellyBean, JellyBean' and gets the whole school going in a group chant?

Neighbor: You are familiar with it.

Dempsey: Indeed. It was never released on vhs or dvd but I taped the original. I keep it in a vault and watch it every month or so.

Dempsy and Mr Messler continued their conversation for the next three and a half hours - discussing in detail every scene of Welcome Home Jelly Bean. They will be meeting for brunch Sunday to discuss in length - Like Normal People , starring Shaun Cassidy and Linda Pearl.

AARP Narrows Down New Expression To Be Used By Old People

Wichita, Kansas

Old person organization AARP announced today the runner up choices in it's search to find a new cliche' expression that can be used by old people. Oldster Len Morris explains,

"The bit where we say, 'When I was a kid, we walked to school five miles - uphill both ways' is getting very, very old. It's been so over used in fact, that it rarely even warrants the polite, 'OK Pops, here's another gimlet and there's the couch'. We decided that the time has come to introduce a new joke.

The top contenders being considered are:

1. When I was a kid, we didn't have expensive puppets to play with like you kids, we had to make them out of things like ice tongs and oats.

2. When I was a kid, the only things we were allowed to do on the weekend was pet an ox or get polio...that was it.

3. AHHH my heart ! (while holding chest)

Bingo parlors nationwide will be closed Friday afternoon as millions of seniors anxiously await the results.

Thurmond Camp Willing To Forgive Sharpton

South Carolina

In light of Al Sharpton's ancestral link to Strom Thurmond, the Thurmond camp is courageously offering to forgive the Sharpton family - under certain conditions. A Thurmond family journal reveals that when Coleman Sharpton left the Thurmond plantation following the Emancipation Proclamation, he left his quarter a bit in shambles:

"I wish Coleman (Sharpton) all the best, but frankly, I'm a bit taken back as to the condition he left his cabin" (1863) - the Thurmond journal states.

Marty Thurmond, the great-great grandson of Thurmond wants to "settle up and move on":

" I'd like Al Sharpton to come down to South Carolina and do some odd jobs around here. Nothing too intense - wash my car, pick up some sticks and junk in the yard, a few loads of wash maybe. I'd like to even things up and get on with things"

Hollywood Police Take Cojocaru Oscar Threat Seriously

(Hollywood, CA)

Police are taking Steven Cojocaru's Oscar threat seriously. Steven Cojocaru's was overheard telling friends,

" I'm so excited about the Oscars - I'M GONNA EXPLODE"

It didn't take the LA police long from the time Cojo uttered those words from his puffy, girlish lips to the time precautionary steps were put into place. Lieutenant Robert Morris explains his concerns simply,

" Have you seen this guy's face? If that thing blows we could have a very dangerous situation on our hands. When you hear the words 'Cojocaru' and 'explode' ..you just don't sit back and relax - you take precautions."

"I've asked that that an additional 125 officers be placed outside of the Kodak Theatre. I'm also asking onlookers to prepare themselves by purchasing rain gear or bringing plastic bags. If the face explodes it's going to look like the first three rows of a Gallagher show."

KFC's "First Draft" of Letter to Pope Discovered

(Louisville, KY)

It's getting even weirder. KFC, in it's introduction of the new Fish Snacker Sandwhich, sent a letter to Pope Benedict XVI. The letter, according to USA TODAY , reveals that President Gregg Dedrick sent a letter asking the Pope to lend his personal seal of appoval for the new item, "as a way for members of your flock to keep a holy Lenten Season".


In a show of one-upmanship and good old fashioned journalism, That Blue Yak intern Wally Jenson dug a bit deaper (in the KFC dumpster) to find an even stranger item - the first draft of the letter. The letter is virtually identical to the first with the addition of a few greasy fingerprints in the upper left corner and the following post script:


P.S. Your majesty, during your next Sunday mass, we would really appreciate it if you could announce to your congregation:


"The King is the DEVIL. Do NOT eat at Burger King or ye will go to hell. Just look at that sinner."

Thank you and please enjoy the Fish Snacker at any of our 5,500 locations.

KFC could not be reached for comments.

Climbers Confused About Questions That Dog Rescued Them.....

PORTLAND, ORE

...But describe in detail the help they received from "that giant pork chop".

Obviously still delirious, climbers on Mount Hood were confused about questions that a dog was responsible for their rescue. Climber Kate Hanlon describes the final hours,

"It wasn't really the freezing temperature that was awful - we were SO HUNGRY. We kept ourselves going by talking about the food we would eat when we were rescued".

"Just as Matty (Brynat) was describing her first meal, this giant pork chop walks up to us. I tried to stab it with this stick, but it was to quick for me. MAN I WANTED TO EAT THAT GIANT PORK! "

Climber Description of Pork Chop Rescuer (bottom right)

Paris Hilton "One Ups" Britney by Sawing Off Her Own Arm

In an attempt to steal the spotlight from fellow party girl Britney Spears, Paris Hilton has sawed off her own arm. Beverly Hills Home Depot manager Robert L Smith was there,

"I basically stood there and watched her pick up the saw and just start sawin'. I'm still trying to figure out if this really happened."

Picture of what arm probably looked like
Onlookers watched in horror as the celebrity princess severed the arm, then strutted out of the hardware super center. Asked by an unidentified friend about how the missing arm would effect her clothes, a teary Hilton responded,

"If it looks stupid I'll just have to wait until it grows back"

Gypsy Foot Care Factory

That Blue Yak proudly supports the Gypsy Foot Care Factory

Angry Mob Storms Home and Kills White Trash Owners of Inflatable Lawn Decoration

Downingtown, PA

An angry mob stormed the home of Patty and Charles Neely and pummeled the couple to death in front of their large inflatable Christmas carousel Saturday night.

"I have absolutely no remorse in what I did" said mob leader Mike McGinley. "We've tolerated everything from hummingbird whirligigs to Grumpy and Dopey windsocks. Their philosophy has been 'the more crap we can put on our lawn the better' - When I saw that bastard blowing up this white trash beacon, I hit the roof."


Inflatable Christmas Carousel (actual photo of bloodied inflatable replaced by charming catalog picture)

According to consumer behaviorist Pam Danziger, the most enthusiastic seasonal decorators will spend $519 this year, up 9.5 percent from 2005. THAT BLUE YAK researchers were unable to obtain the white trash breakdown of those numbers. Add in the hundreds of holiday accoutrements that can be purchased at dollars stores - and you must ask, is a dollar figure really relevant?

"This event has brought the neighborhood together" said fellow mob member Tim Hardey. "What's next after you put a blow up carousel on your lawn. Jesus Christ! And what the hell motivates someone to do that? Have they ever looked at ANYTHING and said, 'No..this might be a bit too much' - I don't think it's ever crossed their minds. When Mike called me up and asked if I would be interested in joining the mob, I headed straight to my basement, grabbed my pitchfork and was ready to roll"

Further investigation reveal that the entire neighborhood has been stewing since the Neely's moved in 12 years ago. Wendy Hardey chimed in with her comments, "When they stepped out of the moving van you just knew. I week after they moved in, there was all this crap on their front yard - I counted 112 items - and these were non holiday items. After seeing their Halloween display, I knew Christmas was going to be taken to a new level. The Peanuts Nativity - with Snoopy baby Jesus. The plastic elf hats they actually put ON the heads of their lawn Buddhas - huh?. The 10' candy cane lights - four of them broken I may add. I mean - just look at it."

In a restraint not unlike Jesus, the neighbors decided against torching the house. Some say the they feared the stink of plastic would be nearly impossible to remove from their clothes. A tired Timmy Hardey however summed up the decision to leave the house unburned in his own way,

"Maybe the next people who move in won't be such losers"....Maybe Timmy. Maybe.
God Bless.

Ron Howard's Brother Clint Voted Freakiest Dude by Memphis Based Self Esteem Club

Memphis, Tenn. Members of the Memphis based "Self Esteem Club" - gathered Tuesday to debate the features of Clint Howard - Ron Howard's brother and former Gentle Ben star. Dome shaped head or rodent-like teeth were the characteristics being discussed.

In a statement by founder John Gordan,

"Our Self Esteem Club has been helping Memphis area children feel good about themselves by discussing people that are different and disturbing. Our focus for the next few months will be on Clint Howard - DAMN IT is he a great choice... I mean, just look at that guy !"

The "At least you're not Clint Howard" opening day festivities included:

1. "Let's Reeaaally Take a look at These Features" (lecture)
2. "How anyone can 'be themselves' .....except Clint Howard" (lecture)
3. "If I were Clint Howard I would Probably Walk Around Like This...." (improv session)
4. "Just Look at Him" (meditation and personal reflection session)
5. "Let's tell him How we Really Feel" (arts and crafts/postcard session)

"The community has really embraced this program - and the kids? ..Forget about it. Basic human nature will tell you that if you see someone else worse off than yourself and you can laugh at that person - you're going to feel better", said Gordan.

"When you see one of these kids, especially the screwed up ones throwing a beanbag at a huge picture of Clint Howard and hitting him square on his big assed dome head...and then the kid jumps for joy - you've made a change. It's a magical feeling."

Michael "Kramer" Richards spews racial slurs on stage - Jesse Jackson calls for comedy club reform

Michael Richards (ie. Seinfeld's Kramer) is in deep trouble with Jesse Jackson. The former Seinfeld star, after receiving heckles from a group of African American audience members while performing at a comedy club, fought back by hurling racial slurs at the group.

The incident, which took place on stage at a Hollywood comedy club, has infuriated the usually calm and keep-to-himself Jackson. My man has called for reform at all comedy clubs.












Among various rants, Jackson stated,

"This nonsensical explication was utterly injudicious. I'm stupefied by the admonition of this contemptible joke smith and seek downright atonement wid said cracker".

That Blue Yak interpreter/intern, Mike Delby analyzed Jackson's comments and believes he has made a bit of sense out of the ramblings,
"OK, I know he isn't happy about the comments...he thinks they are deplorable and stupid..he wants Kramer to apologize.....and something about a saltine..but I'm still working on that part."

Clooney's "Sexiest Man Alive" Title Sparks Fury with Ohio Operations Manager

George Clooney's "Sexiest Man Alive" title may be in jeopardy once Ted Fulton's well written complaint letter arrives at the offices of PEOPLE MAGAZINE. Mr Fulton may be a Hollywood unknown, but in the world of operational managers in the packaging field in Ohio and parts of eastern Indiana, Mr Fulton is pretty popular.














George Clooney
Dreamboat















Ted Fulton
3rd row, 9th from left


According to Fulton, "This People Sexiest Man Alive thing is rigged. It's more than a little odd that every year a celebrity wins. I've been submitting my photograph and qualifications for 16 years now - it's pretty obvious what's happening here. "

George and wife Maryanne are pretty confident that once their letter is received by PEOPLE, the Clooney decision will not only be overturned, but there will also be some major staff changes at the publication.

"I hate to be overly confident, but George has a real knack for getting results with his well crafted letters. I have to hand it to him, in 1972 he drafted a letter to Post Cereal about the need for a cereal that is corn AND oat based. About a year later, they come out with the Honeycombs cereal. Do you know the type of persuasiveness that's required to get a consumer giant like POST to launch a new product?"

While they wait for a response from PEOPLE, Fulton will continue to "do pec work" and practice his come hither stare in preparation for his upcoming photo shoot.