Thursday, September 25, 2008

Top 10 Things I Need To Know About Carny Housing

You should feel very privileged my dear reader because you are looking at an amazing photo. The picture above is an actual "Carny Hotel" on wheels. You might remember my gripping coverage of Downingtown's Good Neighbor Day this Summer. This photo is from the same day. I just didn't think that most of you were mature enough to handle it - but you've come a long way.

Anyways, I have so many questions about this mini Carny hotel that I thought I'd draft a letter to the carnival company to get some answers. My question are:

Why do the outer doors not have locks? Are locks earned or are those rooms reserved for the strong - "can take care of themselves" - type of Carny?

Did anyone ever try to drill a glory hole in one of the "hotel" walls? If they did, did any of the wise cracker Carny's pull any practical jokes with the glory hole?

How do the really fat chicks that the Carny's pick up fit through those thin doors? Do the other Carny's have to run up and push her in - using their bodies like a battering ram?.. "on three fellows, one..two..three"...You know what I mean.

Did a midget Carny ever request to have a slide installed instead of those steps? And you obliged because you thought it would be funny to watch him slide down it?

When you're driving down the highway, do any of the freaky looking Carny's....let me rephrase any of the Carny's ever pull the door curtain open with a knife, then creepily look at some kid in a car, then they pretend to slit their throat as if telling the kid they're going to slit the kids' throat? ...WAIT...I'M NOT DONE....then, the kid starts yelling to his dad that a Carny threatened to kill him and the dad says, "Nonsense Timmy, there aren't any Carny's in the trailer - probably just horses - or chairs."

Do the Gypsy Carnys give you more trouble than the normal Carny's?

Did one of the trailers ever REALLY stink? Then when you finally checked it out, one of the fat Carny chicks had been hiding all of these funnel cake plates and cheese dogs sticks under her cot that she'd been stealing for years?

Did a Carny, trying to make the best of their situation ever try to make their Carny room nice buy fixing it up and putting up curtains and pictures? And when they proudly showed it to the other Carny's, one jerk Carny said, "No amount of fancy curtains and decorations gonna change the fact that use is livin' in a travelin' jail cell.

When you hear someone in a non carnival situation referring to the smell of urine, do you always butt in and say, "Lady, you want to know about urine soaked - just try cleaning one of my hotel Carny rooms on a hot day in July. Now dat's urine smell!"

Did you ever think about letting normal people step into one of the Carny rooms? And charge money for it? You know - like a spook house. If so, are you looking for investors? I might be able to help you out.

Do you have questions? Please add them in the comments section.


Dr Zibbs said...

Damn you HTML. Pretend that all the spaces above were put there by a dirty, stinkin' Carny.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA #5 killed me, Zibbsy!

(I didn't wait like you said, either.)

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr. Zibbs,
I may be able to answer a few of your questions.

1- The doors do not have locks because many carnies (all) are lock picken theves so what's the point. Also, do you think anyone who doesn't have to be in there will want to go in? Unless you love the smell of urine and pork rines most people avoid it like the plauge.

3- As for the fat chicks, notice the large door at the of the rolling trailer of hell. Steal a forklift from a local warehouse and it's lovin time.

6- The Gypsies? Of course.

8- Being a Carney IS the "Best of the situation." for most of them. It was this life or a life of angry villagers and pitchforks.

Hope this helps.


The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I have some additional questions:

Did anyone ever mistake the Carny Hotel for a PortaPotty and take a dump inside? If so, how long was it before this was noticed?

Is there a record for the highest number of Carnies ever put into a single Carny Hotel?

McGone said...

Wait a minute... you're not a Carnie? Huh. That screws up a couple theories I was working on.

Anonymous said...

How about laying a killer fart in one of the rooms. How long does the smell linger?


Gwen said...

I think you should submit your questions to this guy.

What do you think is in that little styrofoam cooler? I think it's harvested kidneys.

Sornie said...

I'll go ahead and answer how they get the fat chicks in to roger them. They don't. Carnies are prone to bang chicks anywhere.

Cup said...

#5 is pretty brilliant.

Wonder if I can rent some carny housing for next year's birthday party ...

Some Guy said...

I think there should be a senate hearing. Put a carny in front of Congress so we can get to the bottom of this shit.

Falwless said...

I am eternally fascinated by the life of carnies. I'm not even kidding. Hey Chris - anyone ever do a documentary about these people?

Chris said...

I give this post an 11.5 on the awesomeness scale.

Carny's are hot, especially that Carnie Wilson!

BeckEye said...

Wait a minute. Why the fuck are you picking on Art Carney? He's a national treasure!

Elizabeth said...

I'm wondering how two people could fit in one of those closets they call rooms.

Vodka Mom said...

I'm so creeped out by the carny thing, i can't even comment. Yikes, I can smell them from here.

Unknown said...

I refuse to go to carnivals because of the carnies. ... they're all so back woods that part of the job description?

Mnmom said...

Carnies scare me, like clowns they are.

Do they sleep standing up?

Do they take off their pants outside then back in?

Can they rollover in bed or do they sleep Dracula style?

If you set one of those trailers on fire, imagine what would come scurrying out.

Mr. Condescending said...

Hahah wow that was fascinating and thought provoking! I never had a clue where they slept or even if they did sleep. I think this was one of my favorite posts to read. There is something about carnies that just mystify and creepify us all. Happy wolf shirt hunting!

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks Mr C. This is one of my favorite posts.

Unknown said...

Holy Hand Grenades, Batman. This is both creepy and fascinating at the same time. Sort of like ghosts. lol

Why are all of the windows different? Is that for the varying heights of the carnies? I had no idea there was such a travelling trailer for them? The rooms are so small...where do they keep their stuff? I wonder if the doors are just a joke and it's really just one big open trailer, not separate rooms. I HAVE to see the inside of one of these. LOL

Carnies completely freak me out. In fact, they are in the top of my "things I'm afraid of" list. It's Heights, Carnies, Butch Lesbians, Bugs. In that order. I'm dead serious.

Dr Zibbs said...

Alice - I like the idea that the windows are just for show. I bet they lure potential carnies in with the glamour of having their own room then they tell them after they've signed the 20 year contract.

Unknown said...

HAHA I'm hatching a plan to get into one of these trailers. Sort of like undercover reporting. Or that movie "Never Been Kissed" the end I will fall in love with a Carnie who will forgive me for lying about being a carnie and he will meet me on the Baseball field in front on all of my fans and kiss me. I hope he's tall and fat. I like the fatties. LOL

*ahem* Huh? What?

Dr Zibbs said...

Never Been Kissed! Ha.

And when you say you like the fatties do you mean fat weiners? Weed? or...actual fat dudes?

Please do tell.

Unknown said...

I mean actual fat dudes. haha Not hugely obsese...just chubby. You know...I don't wanna feel like I could eat them. LOL That doesn't sound right either. :P

Fat weiners work too. Not into weed. It just makes me laugh and then I can't stop. I'd rather just get drunk and NOT wanna giggle endlessly and eat everything. lol

Anonymous said...

Hi, im a South African that got recruited to work and travel in America for a carnival over 8 months. We are the biggest carnival company called North American Midway Entertainment. Yes those are what out bunks look like. Most of us come from farms or cities just like u do. Ordinary people exploring a new country. We are hundreds of employees from different countries. Ever wonder how those rides get set up and torn down every week? We are not filthy animals living in a shoe box. We take pride in ourselves and what we do. Of course u get the dodgy few but u do in almost every work place. And about the gypseys, there are none. When last have u been to a carnival? Do u eat at a carnival? Why buy food from stinky dirty carnies? Your all so ignorant its pathetic