Here's What I Want For My Jan 8 Birthday

I'm sure you've all marked down on your calendars that my birthday is January 8th (Thursday) but have you gotten me a gift yet? I have an idea for a gift. I'd like to have my biggest traffic week this week so I'm asking everyone to send a mass email out to your friends and tell them something like this*:

Hey friend, I'm not sure you read blogs at all, but the best one in the world is THAT BLUE YAK. Check it out. Simply Google this: That Blue Yak.

And here are links to some of his funniest posts:

Real Sex Talk From My Dad

Top 10 Things I Need To Know About Carny Housing

The Chris Burke Birthday Post

I'm Totally Picking A Dance Fight This Weekend

West Chester Blogger Considers Testing Out A Skull Topped Walking Stick

West Chester Blogger Invents Drinking Parlour Game

Hopefully Philly Heat Won't Kill Any Old People **

Pear Body Shape - Let's Get Learnin'

Gypsy Foot Care Factory Opens Up Shop In Chester County

Valentine's Day Tips From Humble Fork Lift Operator

Other ideas for January 8: Send me nude or revealing pictures. I'm discreet. Write a post about me. Leave a message on my Snapvine recorder (long distance charges apply as Fancy Schmancy has informed me so make sure you have long distance or use your cell phone).

*If you send out a mass email, let me know in the comments.
** I forgot how much this post made me laugh.

Look Out! Theater People Are Attacking

I have no idea if this book is good or not but every time I see this Attack of the Theater People book at the Exton Barnes and Noble I just start cracking up.

I'm waiting to see someone I know in the store so I can sneak up on them, reach this book around the corner into their face and say, "Hiiiiiiiiii there big boy."

How Many Eggs Does One Have To Eat To Be Labeled A Glutton?

So we're watching the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Vikings on Sunday at John Smith's house and we were getting on their son's case about a meal he had a few weeks ago. OK. First - what would you consider to be an amount of fried eggs and slices of bread that would cause you to say, "What the hell!! Are you kidding me?"

OK. Hold onto you plates. Here it comes....

My man had 10 fried eggs and a half a loaf of bread for breakfast! What??????

He's not obese. Yet. If I were one of those carnival workers that guesses weight and height, I'd say he's about 175 pounds and 5' 6". And his build is stocky/muscular. And he's about 22 years old.

Is it just me or is this ridiculous? And the let me know if you have any nickname ideas. So far, the tops ones are Eggy, Eggs and my favorite Huevos Diez.

Vibrating Touch By Trojan - Are These Being Used At Work?

Has anyone seen the Vibrating Touch commercial? It's a fingertip massager (say: vibrator). I think it's genius that Trojan came out with this product. They've also packaged it in a thin box that looks similar to a condom box. Brilliant. I bet they're going to sell millions of units.

And I love the commercial where the old lady is listening to the two chicks talking about it then she chimes in and tells them where they can buy it. I've been interrupted by strangers at least a dozen times while discussing Ben Wa balls with friends so I guess the commercial is pretty realistic.

I do have two questions though. Are that many women bringing these things to work that they need to be pocket sized for concealment? Has anyone ever caught anyone or suspected someone giving themselves a "massage" at work?

Is Anyone A Fan of Jeopardy?

I've been watching Jeopardy for years. For how smart those egg heads are, they sure are stupid when Alex introduces each of them and describes something "interesting" about them or a "funny" story. And the ridiculous banter begins.

Alex: So Ben Greenwood is from Chicago and apparently, Chicago really is the Windy City according to Ben. Tell us about that Ben.

Ben: It's true Alex. I was in downtown Chicago one time and I was late for a meeting and in my frantic scurry, I dropped my briefcase and it was so windy that a lot of the papers started blowing away. It took me almost five minutes to retrieve them all.

Alex: Oh my. I hope you weren't late for the meeting.

Ben: Well, I was but it made for a really funny story that everyone still talks about.

Alex: I'm sure it did.

I swear I've never heard an interesting or amusing story told. Shut up nerds and start playing!

And on the subject of Jeopardy, here's a great Jeopardy website called J! Archive that lets you roll over questions to see the answers. Nice.

West Chester Blogger Predicts Eagles Vikings Game

The Eagles are about to play the Vikings. I will now tell you the final score. My prediction for the game - Eagles 24 - Vikings 17.

I've Got Two Eyes And They're Both The Same Size

Remember Bob and Susan singing this classic, "I've Got Two" from Sesame Street? Here are two things that I will note:

1) Look at Susan's fancy footwork at 2:22. Groove it!

2) Since they're singing about having two feet, two hands, two eyes (that are both the same size), if I worked on the set, I would have hired a pirate to come on screen with a peg leg, a hook arm and an eye patch and say something like, "Yar. Do ya gotta rub it in?"

I'd do it just to keep Bob in his place.

Neil Young And Helpless - Friday Send Off Song

So this song will tell you how I'm feeling today - Helpless by Neil Young. Another great song from my favorite concert movie - The Last Waltz.

I send this one out to sweetheart blogger Tova Darling, Buffalo Dick (who's busy enjoying the new fryer he got for Christmas) and Mike* from Brown Cottons And Red Sox - who's trying to build a larger reader base on his blog. Go visit their blogs and tell them Dr. Zibbs sent you.

Have a great weekend!




*And Mike, thanks again for getting your mom to grab Jon by the ear and tell him to do the right thing and leave a comment on my blog. He did it.

Olives, Almonds and Cheese Is A Tasty Snack

Here's a random tasty snack I found on my computer. Salted almonds, cheese and feta and garlic stuffed olives*. Note the toothpick that's stabbed into the cheese. I like to use it to keep the oil off off my precious hands while eating but some of you fatties may want to use this idea to keep less going into your pie hole. Just a friendly tip. Tubby.

*I get my olives locally at the Downingtown Wegmans fresh bar. Can anyone recommend bottled olives? Are they as fresh? Also, this is boring sharp cheddar. Does anyone have any cheese recommendations?

Very Important New Year Announcement From West Chester Blogger

I need everyone's help! In my last post I told everyone that "I'll see you next year."

I'm a bit concerned that some of my stupid readers will think that I meant in "one year" or "2010" instead of today, which is actually a day later and is 2009. (Get it? see you "NEXT YEAR"?) If someone could start one of those chain emails to let all of my readers know that I am indeed blogging in 2009 I'd appreciate it.

Thanks.

P.S. Before you do it,take your mask off because Halloween has been over for 2 months.

End of Year Wrap Up At Chester County's That Blue Yak - 2008

What a year here at That Blue Yak. Could you imagine how dull and terrible your lives would be if I didn't bring you free, daily sunshine? Probably worse than rural India. Do you know they don't even have toilets there?

Here's a quick throw together year end recap of this blog. I've also added some things that may happen in 2009.

Number of posts written this year. Not including this one - 422.

Greatest Accomplishment - Having over 100 followers that have unknowingly signed up to kill for me or sleep with me.

Top Curiosity I Have About My Readers - How often they discuss this blog with friends and coworkers*. (Please leave details of your amazing stories in the comments section).

Top Goals For TBY Content in 2009 - Make some more original videos. Click here to view one of the few I've made.

Top Thing I'll Order Blog Readers To Do For Me in 2009 (In addition to killing for me and sleeping with me) - Leave more comments on the SnapVine Recorder - located on my sidebar. Don't hesitate. Do it now - there are some open lines. Or tonight when you're good and drunk.

Top Thing I've Neglected To Do - Send the prizes for the people that won my contest. I promise I'm gonna do it.

Top Thing a Reader Can Do To Show Their Appreciation - Get a That Blue Yak tattoo. Or at least buy a TBY T-shirt or mug. Click here to order.

So that's probably it folks. Have a great time celebrating tonight! See you next year!

*And I want everyone to come clean on this. With how many loyal readers I have, there has to be at least one nut out there who has stapled a face from a magazine onto a pillow, then attached the pillow to a mannequin body that they got from a yard sale and they pretend that it's me - Dr Zibbs. And then when a friend stops by, they panic and shove the Dr Zibbs figure into a closet because they're embarrassed. C'mon - don't lie. Someone has to have done something like this.

Carson Kressley Better Stay Out of My Way

Is there anyone else that can't stand Carson Kressley? If I ever see him, I'm going to bitch slap his pansy ass then push him down a flight of stairs. And don't even call me a homophobe because all of the other guys on that Queer Eye For The Straight Guy show are just fine.

It's just Carson Kressley. Prancing around and making his dumbass comments. And he's got another show called "How to Look Good Naked" or something like that. I heard him referred to on TV the other day as the self help/self esteem guru. Shut up!

And it's not just because he's a huge fembot. Richard Simmons is right up there with him in the lady department but Richard Simmons makes me laugh my ass off. I guess it bothers me because Kressley turns up the gay to 11 on purpose just to get a rise out of the straight guys and because he thinks he's so damn funny. Which he is not.... Stupid no talent.

And just to show that I'm an equal opportunity hater, I hate Kate Hudson and Tom Bergeron with the same passion.

Brother's Pizza In West Chester - One of The Best for Slices

I would like to thank my good friend/neighbor John Jones for suggesting the Buffalo chicken pizza that we ordered from Brother's Pizza a few weeks ago while shooting darts. I would have never guessed that pieces of spicy chicken on pizza would taste so great! I hereby name Brother's Pizza as being That Blue Yak restaurant approved. Let me just tell you that it's pretty hard to find great pizza in Chester County. This place does pizza right.

For those of you flying in to try it, Brother's Pizza is located in the Bradford Plaza on Downingtown Pike. You know, in the shopping center with Avante' Spa and the Giant. You'll have to get directions from the Philly airport to West Chester on your own. What am I?.. Google maps?

Kimba The White Lion - Classic Cartoon

Next to Speed Racer, this was my favorite cartoon as a 4 year old - Kimba the White Lion. That was his name you know. I can still remember watching it when I was a kid living in Wayne, PA. We lived in a neighborhood behind the Devon Horse Show. We lived there until I was 7 , then we moved to Chester County. That info isn't relevant, but it always helps traffic to add in certain keywords. Oh yeah. Boobies.

Tasty Ring Dings I Believe Are A Bit Different Now

Is it just me or has Drake's changed the recipe of their delicious, creme filled chocolate treats the Ring Ding? I'll admit that I haven't had one in a few years but something's not right.

I'm also not too crazy that they don't come individually wrapped in tin foil anymore. Do you know how much longer it's going to take me now to reach my goal of making the largest tin foil ball on earth? Hey it's not my fault.

So are there any other foods that have been changed that I should know about? Let me know. I can take it.

Please Keep Silence During the 4 Second Delay In Theaters

I see a lot of movies*. I see most of them in the afternoons - on extended lunches - or on the weekend. But always during the day. One of the main reasons I do this is because I can't stand when people have to make comments in between the scenes of the previews. I hate it to the point that it sickens me.

"Oh that looks dumb."
"Was that Dustin Hoffman? He looks older."
"Oh.I.Am.There."

If I'm watching the movie with someone - which is rare - I take the opportunity during these 4 second delays to say in the most retarded, enthusiastic voice I can, "Oh yeah that's gonna be a good one. I'm seein' that!"

And I'll say the exact thing after every preview.

I guess it's just my way of balancing things out.

By the way, the only thing worse than that in a movie theater is watching a movie where the audience is laughing at all of the wrong things or laughing extra hard because they're excited to be in public and watching a movie. This brings out the worst in me!

*The movie I saw today at the East Whiteland Regal Theater was the Brad Pitt movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button . The movie where he's born as an old man then gets younger? I was a bit embarrassed saying the title out loud but it was a pretty good movie. Great story. Special effects and makeup were unbelievable. Brad Pitt was good but Kate Blanchett was great. Check it out.

Look at B.E.Earl Gettin' All Sexual And What Not

I've mentioned B.E.Earl before. I really like his blog. Here's a link to some sexual positions he was talking about. It's worth going there just to check out the animation on this post. The cartoon dude's butt creeps me out, but then again, the only dude's butt that doesn't creep me out is mine- when I catch a gimpse of it in the mirror.

Whatever. Check the post though. It's about sexual positions.

The link is here.

I'm A Very Gifted Ventriloquist - A Natural If You Will

So yesterday at my sister's house for Christmas I was inspecting the gifts that my nephews received and to my delight, and to the delight of everyone there, do you know what I found? Did you guess a Danny O'Day Ventriloquist dummy? If you did, you're right. The same one I told you about a few post ago. Remember I told you I got one in 5th grade?

Now I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of a natural. I'm not too good at keeping my lips from moving but I'm pretty skilled at insulting people and coming up with rude things to say on the fly. So much so that people were getting mad at me and running away.

I'm much better than this guy Jeff Dunham:

Wow! I Can't Believe This Christmas Morning!

A plane? Seriously everyone. You went way overboard. I don't know who organized it but when I went out in my front yard this morning and there was a That Blue Yak plane? I couldn't believe it. Thanks!

Now I'm not trying to be an ingrate but fuel is very expensive. Are there gift cards hidden somewhere for jet fuel that I should know about?

Last Minute Christmas Ideas For Cheap People

So I'm sure everyone's about to start their Christmas Shopping. Here are a few gift ideas that will save you a bit of time and money:

1) Make a phony, "I named a star after you " certificate. Go to the window, look up and say, "..there she is..nope..sorry..there she is. Right there. Next to that one. Yeah. She is a beauty." Are they really going to check?

2) What can you wrap around your house? This is a tough one as it's best to actually stage a burglary and steal some select items. Then, rewrap the gifts you stole and write on the card that you searched everywhere to find the exact items and that maybe this is the greatest Christmas ever because "someone can steal 'things' but they can't steal my heart". (This makes no sense but they'll be so excited they won't even think about your babble).

3) Simply write, "The magic of Christmas - believe" on construction paper. Write it in a fancy font and when they open it, put your hand on the back of their head and say, "I believe. Do you?" Then look into the distance. This will only work on artsy type of people. Most people will say, "Oh I believe. I believe you better go get my damn present." So think this one out.

4) Write, "The gift of........" on a piece of paper. As they read it, motion the homeless people that you've threatened with jail time to come in and start dancing. When they're finished with their train wreck of a dance, turn to the person you gave the gift to and say, "I think it is the thought that counts. Don't you?"

Merry Christmas everyone from me to you!

Don't Have A Terrible, Sad and Heartbreaking Christmas

So I hope you don't have a Christmas like the one I had in 5th grade. (warning: sad story ahead. Get tissues ready and prepare to feel sorry for me).

You see, I had gotten in the habit of sneaking into my parent's attic before Christmas to see what I was getting. So I go up there and there's this huge box. This box was the shape of a refrigerator box but a bit smaller. Probably the size of a casket you'd bury a dwarf in. A little bigger than that. A dwarf wearing platform shoes and an Abe Lincoln hat. Yeah, that big of a box. What? I'm trying to set the scene.

Anyways, on the gigantic box are these kids sitting at a command center. It looked like friggin' NASA, but with 70's kids.

"Ready for blast off Timmy?"

"Over and out Jeffrey."

It was some type of telescope command center. It was at the back of the attic so I was too nervous to climb to the back and see exactly what it was.

So Christmas morning comes and I open my regular presents. The Panapet, Panasonic Ball radio (see picture above). Danny O'Day dummy. Mad Magazine books. But where the hell was my space command center?

So after looking all over I then asked my parents,

Me: Is that it?

Mom: Is that it? Look at all the stuff you got.

Me: What about that huge space center?

Mom: What?

Me: That huge box in the attic with the kids working on those huge machines.

Mom: Oh that. That was your cousin Mark's from years ago. I needed a really big box last time I was at your Aunt Margarete's so she gave me the box. Did you want one of those*?

Me: (close up of confused face - camera zooms in closer to show empty feeling - super close up of eyes turning slightly teary) Oh. (sadness and disappointment suppress deep, deep inside the little boy's soul)

.....And Merry Christmas!

*In way, I guess we all lost on that day. Could you imagine if I had gotten that thing? And I got totally into science? Imagine how space travel, robots and all things sciencey might be different today. We'll never know.

Here's a Christmas Message From Me To You - Kind of

So Chris from the blog Some Guy's blog has done a Christmas video message to all of his blog readers. Since we have many of the same readers, please view his Christmas message here and pretend it's from me. If your name is not mentioned by him, simply say it out loud at the end.

If you're Jewish, Happy Hanuka. I'm not sure if Chris is anti-Semitic, is afraid of Jewish people or he just forgot. He probably just forgot. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, you receive no holiday wishes as that holiday is just stupid.

The King of Jerks - When It Comes To Dog Breeds

If someone forced me to pick one breed of dog that should be extinct, I'd have to go with the Schnauzer. Is there another breed that won't shut up and is just downright mean? I can't think of one. And I'm a dog lover too. Oh yeah, unless of course it's YOUR Schnauzer...yeah....yours is different and I'd probably like yours. Mmm-hmmm.

The other breeds that make the short list are the Yorkie (yapper) and the dummy of all breeds, the Dalmatian. I might spare these based on the individual personality though.

Here's A Real Creepy Nightmare I Had Last Night

This is a real nightmare I had last night. This is not a joke. Some creepy dude had me locked in a wooden coffin. I heard him telling someone on the outside that he would release me under the following conditions:

1) He wanted samples of my hair. All hair, including eyelashes and nether region hair.
2) He wanted a skin scraping sample.
3) He wanted a silhouette outline of my body straight on as well as sideways. And he clarified that the side view should include an outline when I was erect. WHAT THE HELL!!??

Now it gets even creepier. I got a call out of the blue IN REAL LIFE on Friday from someone I haven't spoken to since high school. He left a voicemail. He wanted to know how things have been. I have no plans to call him back because I'm sure he's going to want to get together. The creepy thing is - he was the dude in the nightmare! But aged and scrawny and serial killerish. AHHHHHHH!

What do you think this means?

Various Thoughts On Cooking Shows

I love to cook and I love to watch cooking shows. Here are a few random thoughts on cooking shows.

Bobby Flay - makes awesome food and is a great instructor. I love the Throwdown. I really miss Grillin' and Chillin' which was one of the first Food TV shows.

The Neely's - annoy the hell out of me. "Oh yeah baby, put some more sugar on that. Just like you - sweatie". Shut up!

Emeril makes some great food but his Schtick makes me sick. The only thing worse than, "BAM" is the reaction that the seals in the audience give him when he mentions he's going to add more garlic. Puuulease. And he better watch it because he's getting tubby.

Rachel Ray? I can't take her anymore.

Alton Brown - I'm almost done with him but his basics of cooking and the science behind cooking keeps me watching. But major nerd.

Guy Fieri - I can't get enough of the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives Show. He's got a few new good shows now.

Giada De Laurentis -Pretty likeable. Shows are OK. Is it just me or does she have one of the largest head you've ever seen. Pretty sexy though.

Tyler Florence - Excellent. He makes some great stuff.

Aida Mollenkamp - Have no idea when her show is on but she's a feast for the eyes.

Man Vs Food -This is of my new favorite shows. He goes to various places and tries to breat the record for food intake. Kevin Arnold lookalike?

The Barefoot Contessa - I can't watch without thinking about her feet. Therefor, I don't watch.

Gordon Ramsay - He can be a real A-hole but if you can't stand the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen.

There you go.

Is It Just Me Or Does This Commercial Have Sex Written All Over It?

Can you believe this commercial for the oven cleaner Mr Muscle? It's got sex written all over it. Subliminal style. I thought that was illegal. Here's my evidence.

1) It's got Charlotte Rae in it.
2) She's on all fours with her ass in your face.
3) Listen closely at 15 seconds in when she moans the word, "ohhhhhhhh". Pretty obvious what that's supposed to sound like.
4) At 21 seconds in do you hear that word they use? Yup. "Penetrate". Do you know what that means? Look it up. You won't believe it.

I rest my case.

I'm Totally Not Getting You This For Christmas

To this day, sometimes instead of simply saying, "Thanks" like a normal person, I'll say "Thanks for the gumball Mickey". Then I feel like an idiot when I have to explain what the hell I'm talking about.

Those days are over because from now on instead of telling them, I'll just show them. Show them this Youtube video for gumball banks that is.

Here it is.

Celebration, Books, Bees and Me

So my Friday send off song this week is Celebration by Kool and the Gang? What am I celebrating? Well, my wife's book club is having their year end party so we're going to someone's house for cocktails and then off to the West Chester Country Club for dinner so I guess we're celebrating..... the Secret Life of Bees? ....or one of those other books that I've seen around my house....who knows.

Actually it's a great group and it's going to be a lot of fun. But if the subject of books does come up, I'm totally prepared to steer the conversation back to my blog. Which is kind of like a book but way more sexy and interesting then a book about beekeeping that doesn't contain a single picture of someone getting stung by bees or a person wearing a beard of bees. I don't get it.

I dedicate the song this week to Franki (just started really reading her blog and I love it!) and Southern Belle and Cora. So make sure to check out their blogs. Remember, it's commentors like these that keep my ego huge, powerful and healthy.

To hear the song, put on your dancing shoes and click here.

Old Lady Trying To Convert Her Analog TV - The Video

Do you want to see something so funny that you'll have tears streaming down your face????????

If yes, check out what I just saw on the Butterfly Farmer's blog. To see the fall on the floor hilarity, click here. I give this a 9 on a 1-10 scale of funny. What's your rating?

Questions About Displaying Hat Collections On Your Car Window Sill

Why on earth do douchebgs display their hat collections on the back window sill of their cars? You know - how they line up the baseball caps with pride as if anyone gives a shit.

At what point does someone see a hat collection and say, "That looks great. I'm going to start one. First thing to do is drive to the mall to get about three more hats so it doesn't look ridiculously bare with the four hats I currently have. Then I'll draw up some plans as to what order I'll place them".

Do hat displayers ever see another hat displayer in a parking lot and stop to compliment them?

"Hey man, what's up? Nice hats. I'm hat displayer too. It's pretty cool how you put two different era Phillies caps on either side of the current Eagles cap. It really balances the Phillies caps out and draws the eye toward the fancy stitchwork on the rim of the Eagles cap. Well done".

"Thanks man. Believe it or not, that was a mistake. I was going to do an all Phillies - by color display - and I was taking my Eagles cap scene down...well, my girlfriend calls me for something and when I came back, I was like, I think I'm on to somethin' here."

"It totally works."

Do hat displayers ever feel so proud after a new hat acquisition and layout that they drive their car around town to show them off?

(at stop light talking to girls) "Are you ladies into hats? Don't be afraid. Step a little closer. Do you see what I did back there? No big deal really....I mean, I've never seen all those caps together in one place AND displayed the way I did right back there either but...Well, that's what I do........ So, do you have any question I can answer?"